Month: June 2020

Incomplete Grief: An Introduction

A LOT of people ask how long grief will last, when will it finally be over.

When will the pain end?

How we answer those questions depends upon how we approach grief and the recovery process caused by the grieving experience. The recovery process should lead to completion of grief.

How we handle the fallout of loss and the accompanying pain is what’s important.

Because if we don’t handle the loss well, it can lead to incomplete grief.

And that’s the important subject we’ll be exploring for the next few weeks.

 

What’s really behind all that grief pain?

When you’re deep into grief, unspeakable pain is your constant companion. No matter what you do, it seldom lets up. You just know the pain is never going to go away; you’re going to have to live with this the rest of your life.

If someone tries to tell you things will eventually get better, you don’t see how that’s possible. You don’t believe them. And you may be angered that they even made the comment.

It’s true, though. Things do and will get better—if you can identify the sources of emotional energy contributing to all that pain.

 

While there are some deaths—like grandparents, friends, and even siblings—that we can rebound better and more quickly from, other deaths leave us paralyzed and stuck.

The key is asking the right questions to identify what’s causing the emotions and then providing answers to those questions.

 

Key grief recovery questions—

 We all look back over relationships and ask ourselves internal questions about them. The answers can help us complete the grief healing process.

One key question to ask yourself is:

What makes this death or loss different from others?

Was there something about the relationship that made it special? Was there “unfinished business” that will never be completed?

And we can go further with other important questions, like:

  • Are there things you wished would have been different about the relationship?
  • What could have been better?
  • Was there something more you would have liked to see fulfilled?

 

In my case, in the death of my daughter during an emergency delivery in the fifth month of pregnancy, I had a lot of emotions.

I’d spent five months with my daughter as she grew in my body, feeling her move. And I was seriously ill with morning sickness soon after the beginning of the pregnancy—so ill I couldn’t keep food down and had to undergo home IV therapy and intra-muscular anti-nausea treatment shots.

But I recovered from that and was just starting to enjoy the second trimester when tragedy struck, and our precious Victoria had to be taken too soon to survive outside my womb.

For a little over five months, I’d focused on my growing baby, wondering about what the baby would be like. Wondering if the little one was a boy or girl. Dreaming. Making plans. Mentally designing the nursery.

Then one night it all abruptly ended. My dreams and hopes were snatched away.

One of the things I wrote on the death announcements I sent out was: “Our dreams are certainly going to miss her—“

And that’s where I could have started the grief recovery process, writing down what I wished had been different, better or more.

 

Of course, I wish it didn’t turn out the way it did. That Victoria wouldn’t have died, or I would have been able to carry her further into the pregnancy and given her a better chance at life.

I wish I had better medical care. That the doctors would have responded to my concerns and to the concern of the ultrasound technician who picked up the problem during an examination. I wish they had been more concerned about the baby and me than the money they were trying to make and save.

I wish I could have had more time with her after her birth.

Victoria’s death had abruptly ended my hopes, dreams and expectations for our life together, as mother and daughter, and for our family’s life as a foursome. It killed my dreams of having a little girl to dress in frilly dresses and hair pinned into pigtails.

 

It’s important to remember that all these questions are critical to explore because hopes, dreams, and expectations happen in all relationships—even relationships that struggled or fell short; the ones that weren’t so great.

When we speak of grief, and grief recovery, we need to use these grief recovery terms:

“different, better, more;” and

“broken hopes, dreams, and expectations.”

 

They need to become part of our grief recovery language.

 

Communicating your grief—

When you’re first thrown into the grieving process, the emotions and myriad of them seem overwhelming and suffocating. You don’t know what to do with all the painful, sometimes incoherent thoughts.

In order to heal and recover, we need to be able to identify and communicate what’s going on within us. What the source is behind those complex feelings and thoughts.

When we do that, we gain control and reclaim a sense of purpose in life.

We can say to ourselves: I know how I feel. Now what do I need to do about it?

 

And that’s what we’ll be exploring in the next several weeks of posts.

What we can do about those feelings.

 

Invitation—
  1. Is there any grief you feel you haven’t worked through or fully recovered from? Would it help to ask these questions we’ve covered today:

What feelings am I experiencing about this grief and why?

What makes this loss different from others I’ve experienced?

What do I wish would have been different?

What could have been better?

What did I want more of?

 

I encourage you to start exploring those questions and jotting down answers to them. You might be surprised at what you learn, and what relief you gain from the process and learning.

I encourage you to explore and ask yourself these questions. To become actively engaged in moving forward into grief recovery.

NEXT WEEK we’ll look at incomplete grief, what it is and how to avoid living with it.

Until then, remember that the grief process is normal, and that there can be a full life on the other side of it.

Blessings,

Andrea

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I’M WILLING TO BET you’ve heard this saying before: Time heals all wounds.

But does it, really?

And does time heal grief, or the pain that accompanies it?

Or your question might be: how long does grief last?

 

While time does, eventually, alter the wound, we must be careful not to confuse time healing a wound with a wound healing within time.

Time alone and on its own does not heal a wound, or grief.

So what does time do?

 

While time does reduce the immediate pain associated with a loss, we can’t expect all pain to subside when a certain amount of time—a certain, pre-set number of days—passes.

But before we go deeper, let’s back up and get a quick overview of grief.

Anatomy of a grief—

A loss, especially a divorce or death of a loved one—can produce an overwhelming amount of pain—both emotional and physical—that causes an extreme amount of emotional energy.

This kind of loss causes a traumatic effect on the body—physically, emotionally and spiritually. And when it occurs, all components of our bodies are affected, and they need healing. Healing that can occur at different rates.

As the shock and its numbness start to wear off, they’re replaced by a reality of the loss. While that might seem, on the grief continuum, a lesser stress to the body, it can be just as traumatic.

Fear often sets in. The fear of never having the same family structure, of never being able to see the deceased person again, of all your dreams being shattered, of this new reality being permanent.

And fear puts a lot of stress on the body.

 

After the reality of my dad’s death set in, I started experiencing fear that evolved into panic attacks. When my mind realized the finality of his passing—that he was really gone and never coming back—it rebelled and panicked. It took a lot of meditation, breathing exercises and down time to heal from that stage.

But my sadness did not necessarily lessen because of the passage of time. And trying to keep busy enough so that more time would pass and I would heal more would not have been a good prescription.

Ten years later I still think of things I’d love to share with him, decisions and questions I’d like to have his input in. I’d love to hear his laugh, his corny jokes (he thought he was pretty funny), and watch him do crafts with my husband and boys.

The fact that those things won’t ever happen saddens me. But the acute pain is no longer there. Just the melancholy of the reality. And there is some lightheartedness at the joyful memories of those corny jokes and crafty gatherings.

 

A stark view of our society and grief—

It’s very telling, and depressing, that companies are likely to give you more time off for a broken bone or surgery recovery than they would for bereavement. Six weeks versus three days, usually.

What does that say about our priorities?

Six weeks to heal a broken bone.

Three days to heal a broken heart.

Just how, following the death of a loved one, do you regain your equilibrium in three days?

Why do we expect grieving people to instantly recover from such devastating blows, such injury to their hearts and every aspect of their lives?

 

What does it mean to “get over” a death?

You may have seen the list put out my psychological or sociology associations putting time limit expectations on certain stressors and losses.

Often they’ll say that the death of a relative or friend takes two years to get over, and the death of a parent or spouse takes a year. And for the parents who’ve lost children?

They might tell you that you never really do recover from the death of a child.

 

But what do “recover” and “get over” mean?

Getting over seems to imply “forgetting.” Which we all know we could never do about anyone close to us dying. Especially a child.

And just because someone may still feel sadness, (I know I still do twenty-seven years later about the death of my daughter, Victoria), does not mean that person “hasn’t gotten over” the loss.

Like feeling happy, sadness is a normal part of life. Being sad years later shouldn’t be used as an indictment against someone who expresses it.

And when you feel as though society has put an arbitrary number—time limit—on grieving, you start feeling abnormal if you haven’t met that standard.

 

Time is not an active force with the power to heal. Time itself doesn’t have the power to do anything.

We’ve got to bury the notion that if you just wait long enough that you’ll be fixed.

 

The danger behind thinking you’ll never get over it—

There is a danger in thinking or believing you’ll never get over someone or something. Why?

Because when you believe you’ll never get over the death of a loved one, you convince yourself to stop trying to recover. You may even stop living. After all, why bother going on if you’re never going to feel better than you do today, drowning in this horrible gutting pain?

 

Using different words and descriptions to bring healing—

Instead of telling ourselves, and others, that we or they won’t ever get over something, we need to change our language.

We won’t ever forget our loved one, but if we take an active role in our grief recovery, we will be able to hang on to our fond memories without having to worry about those memories turning painful over and over again.

After our recovery and healing completion, we’ll be able to return to a fruitful life of meaning. And although our life will be much different, it can—and will—be good and enjoyable.

It won’t look like it immediately after the loss, but when you take active steps to recover—just as you would after letting a broken bone set and heal—you will be able to move forward.

Yet even with a broken bone you don’t return to “normal” as soon as the splint or cast is removed. You’re likely fatigued throughout the healing process. The body requires extra nutrients and sleep to heal properly. Disuse causes the muscle under the cast to atrophy. When the cast or splint is removed, you need to recondition the limb or joint, regain the muscle strength and coordination that was lost.

That process can take a long time and progress in fits and starts—two feet forward and then one foot backward. It’s a day-by-day re-assessment. And other factors can hamper your healing.

 

The same is true for the emotional and spiritual damage and recovery we face after a loss. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to jump right back into life. If we do, we’re likely to re-injure ourselves, or set our recovery back. In my exuberance to return to physical activity, I’ve been guilty of pushing the physical limits too soon and setting myself back.

And I was guilty of doing the same thing when trying to “recover” from Victoria’s death. It didn’t work out too well.

I thought if I stayed busy enough, and enough time passed, I’d “get over it,” and life would resume without me having to work on healing.

If I’d only been more patient with myself, more understanding. More in tune with my emotions. I would have healed better and more fully.

 

Don’t rank your relationships when grieving—

Since every relationship is unique, it’s impossible—and unwise—to try to rank their importance and attach a grief-meter to them.

I’ve heard stories of young people who had nannies while they were growing up and became more emotionally attached to their nannies than their busy parents. When the nanny dies, they’re devastated—more devastated than when their parents die.

The nannies weren’t blood relation, but they might as well have been.

Blood is not always thicker than water, nor does it always mean a closer, more significant and meaningful relationship.

When we grieve, we grieve our special and unique relationship with the person who died.

You set a trap for yourself when you try to compare or rank your loss.

Every loss is different. Every loss is individual. Every loss needs its own healing prescription.

Wrap up—

Try to resist the urge to think you have to recover from grief in a certain amount of time; that time will heal all your wounds.

Doing so leaves you vulnerable to not completing your grief process, of expecting more. Of getting burned out and depressed over your perceived timeframe failure.

 

Everyone’s different. Every grief is different. Every loss requires unique healing and an individual road to recovery.

Don’t try to follow or adhere to someone else’s road.

 

Additional Resources—

For more information on grief and the healing and timetable process and fallacy, see these helpful sites:

Grief Recovery Institute

Sue Ryder

WebMD

 

Invitation—
  1. Is there a grief you’re struggling with right now that you’ve put a healing timeframe on? What can you do to change your view or the limitations and expectations you’ve put on yourself. Or others?
  2. Is there a grief from your past you haven’t fully healed from, that someone rushed you through?
  3. Are you still experiencing sadness from memories of a loved one who passed on years ago and thought those feelings were “abnormal” or indicative of a grief not completed? Can you now recognize those emotions as normal and good, for the memory of your loved one?

 

NEXT WEEK we’ll start the process of moving from grief into recovery. You won’t want to miss this series. I know you’ll find it helpful for any grief you still need to recover from, grief that didn’t recover well, and for anyone near you struggling with grief.

See you then!

Andrea

*Some material in this post was found in Grief Recovery Institute resources.

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 

Finding Peace In Chaos: 10 Tips

I know you already know this, but 2020 has been an unbelievable, and rough year. Pent-up emotions unleashed, brutality on display over and over and over again in living color, anger and resentment driving people to vengeful behavior.

Within and amidst all this chaos, how can and does one find peace?

Not temporary peace that ebbs and flows with beautiful or ugly reality, but the kind of peace that comes and stays and quiets your heart in the midst of pain, injustice, and grief.

 

Perfect peace.

 

Dr. Don Colbert recently had a great blog post about finding peace and purpose in these unsettling times, and I’d like to use some of his post highlight concrete ways to find peace right now. Some of them we’ve recently discussed that I’d like to re-emphasize.

Read on to discover 10 tips to finding peace in the chaos.

 

  1. Name the source of your anger, fear, anxiety, pain—

It’s okay to be angry about something, or with someone. But often we feel angry about “something” without really knowing what that “something” is.

A big part of being able to find peace is naming the source of your anger, fear, anxiety or pain. Naming it gives you opportunity to confront it and understand it.

This is where journaling comes in, which we’ve talked a lot of about in the last several posts. Not only is it okay to journal, it’s healing to do so.

Thankfully, our Heavenly Father isn’t put off by our anger. He even demonstrated His own righteous anger when He cleared the temple of what He called “a den of thieves.” Thieves that made it impossible for people to reach and worship Him.

And the Bible is full of verbalized complaints, anger, frustration, pain and questions. Just read the Psalms, and Job.

Name the source to gain control over it. Just ranting and crying out to God about it helps unload it and qualify it. While He may not agree with your limited assessment about the cause, He will listen and guide you in your thinking and healing.

 

  1. Remember who is ultimately in control—

Although we certainly are surprised, God isn’t surprised by any of this. And that’s good for us, because He alone knows why it’s happening, (He sees what’s really going on behind the scenes and reads hearts), and He alone is the One who can give direction for leading us into greener pastures everyone can enjoy, rest in and feast upon.

It does a turmoil-filled heart good to remind itself of that.

If you want answers, go to the source of the right questions. The One who can give you the results you seek. And talk and listen to Him in prayer and meditation.

As a friend of ours likes to say, “Pray and pray often.”

He loves you and wants to hear from you. Often.

 

  1. Focus on God’s power and promises—

The Bible is loaded with reminders and proofs of God’s power, promises and provisions, and it’s important to pick out a few verses to remind yourself of that.

Some of the passages Dr. Colbert presented are good ones to keep in mind.

 

“…be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

 

“Jesus said unto him, ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets’” (Matt 22:34-40).

 

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:8-12).

 

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him” (John 3:16-17).

 

Another passage I’ve used as a foundation for my life is Joshua 1:9:

 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

 

But the passage before it sets up this command, and it’s worth noting:

 

“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”

 

Do you see it?

 

There is an if-so-then-that set up. If you read God’s word, meditate in it and try to commit your life to it, then you’ll be more able to prosper and find success in life.

Does hard work always guarantee success? No, because evil works all around us, seeking our failure. And our fallen human condition makes us broken and weak.

We are big sinners in need of a big savior. And we have one in Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah.

One last passage I’ll note that is particularly pertinent right now:

 

“He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the LORD require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8)?

 

How much different would our world and lives look if we:

  • Loved the Lord our God with all our hearts, minds, and souls?
  • Loved our neighbors as we love ourselves?
  • Didn’t melt down in anxiety about anything, but, instead, took all of our anxieties to the Lord and prayed continually—with thanksgiving—about it?
  • Remember that God loves the WHOLE WORLD (that He created), and everyone in it and made the ultimate sacrifice to have a relationship with us?
  • Remember the Lord is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love toward us?
  • Act toward others the same way He acts toward us?

 

  1. Use these truths to pray through and out of your anxiety—

As the famous Nazi concentration campus survivor, Corrie Ten Boom, said,

 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.”

Prayer fills out hearts and minds with strength. It can restore our joy.

 

  1. Take your thoughts captive—

You can talk yourself into almost anything, including fear and anxiety. So it’s important to be able to talk yourself out of them, into gratitude, contentment and joy.

Again, prayer can do that, as you take every time and energy-wasting thought to God and ask Him to do something about it. Ask Him to remove it. Give it away to Him to deal with.

He’ll know what to do with it. You can trust Him on this.

 

  1. Take action in your own life and on behalf of others—

Nothing stops you from spending too much time thinking about yourself and wallowing in your own problems or negativity than to re-focus on others and their needs.

Put your energies into positive actions.

There are a lot of injustices in this world. Look around and identify one you want to pour your energies into and rectify.

What can you write about? What can you volunteer to do to help alleviate suffering and pain?

If you’re unsure, pray about that too. God will open your eyes to needs in your community. He’ll use your gifts to work to right wrongs, to stand up against prejudice and greed and all manner of evil.

And while you’re going about it, make sure you pray for the people you’re standing against. It will calm and open your heart toward them. Help diffuse tensions and open up lines of communication.

It’s very difficult to be angry with someone you’re praying for.

 

  1. Keep a gratitude journal—

Every day write down 3 things you’re grateful for; or at least thank God for them in prayer. Doing that opens your heart to receive joy and peace for the good things in your life.

And not stress so much on the things you don’t have and wish you did.

 

  1. Make sure you do your deep breathing exercises—

As part of your daily meditation, make sure you do your breathing exercises that I highlight in this post

Coping with COVID: Emotions and Grief Relief

 

People who do these breathing exercises and meditate experience more peace and gratitude, have less anxiety, and live longer.

 

  1. Make sure you nourish your body—

Keep your body nourished with good, natural food, the right amount of sleep, fresh air, and exercise.

All these ingredients are critical to good brain function and emotional, physical and spiritual health.

 

  1. Spend quality (and quantity) time with loved ones—

Even though it’s more difficult right now, make sure you carve out time for loved ones. Doing so releases the hormone oxytocin, a natural stress-relieving chemical.

Petting your cat or dog does the same thing, as does looking into someone’s eyes, (even your dog or cat’s eyes), receiving or giving a hug, laughing with someone. Sitting close to them. Touching one another.

Even though it’s difficult to do right now, make good, strong eye contact with people. Even with a mask on, you can usually tell when their eyes sparkle from a smile, a kind word, a joyful encounter.

And I’ve gotten braver, as I’ve hugged several friends I hadn’t seen in months or over a year. Mask on, I’ve put my whole strength into my brief hug, and I’ve enjoyed a enveloping hug in return. Just giving and receiving one makes you laugh with joy and relief.

 

Am I foolish and reckless for doing it? Perhaps. But I’ve decided that life really isn’t worth living without a hug or two; and—especially because one of my love languages is touch, and I grew up in the land of hugs (Hawaii)—my mental and emotional health require it.

So I hug, while praying that God will protect me from deadly viruses and germs.

 

 

As you go forward this week, I want to leave you with two things that have lifted my spirit and given me more joy and peace.

 

Lockdown

Yes there is fear.

Yes there is isolation.

Yes there is panic buying.

Yes there is sickness.

Yes there is even death.

But,

They say that in Wuhan, after so many years of noise,

You can hear the birds again.

They say that after just a few weeks of quiet,

The sky is no longer thick with fumes

But blue and grey and clear.

They say that in the streets of Assisi

People are singing to each other

across the empty squares,

keeping their windows open

so that those who are alone

may hear the sounds of family around them.

They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland

is offering free meals and delivery to the

housebound.

Today a young woman I know

is busy spreading fliers with her number

through the neighbourhood

So that the elders may have someone to call

on.

Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and

Temples

are preparing to welcome

and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.

All over the world people are looking at their

neighbours in a new way.

All over the world people are waking up to a

new reality.

To how big we really are.

To how little control we really have.

To what really matters.

Love.

So we pray and we remember that

Yes there is fear.

But there does not have to be hate.

Yes there is isolation.

But there does not have to be loneliness.

Yes there is panic buying.

But there does not have to be meanness.

Yes there is sickness.

But there does not have to be disease of the

soul.

Yes there is even death.

But there can always be a rebirth of love.

Wake to the choices you make as to how to

live now.

Today, breathe.

Listen, behind the factory noises of your

panic

The birds are singing again.

The sky is clearing,

Spring is coming,

And we are always encompassed by Love.

Open the windows of your soul

And though you may not be able

to touch across the empty square,

Sing.

 

Fr. Richard Hendrick, OFM

March 13, 2020

 

 

Until next week, when we’ll continue our grief myth discussion,

may you be filled to overflowing with joy, peace, and abundant blessings!

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, senior-ordained chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

COVID Grieving: Emotions, Anticipatory Grief, Myths and Healing

What’s tailgating on your COVID-19 fear? Fear of infection? Fear of the future and unknown? Fear of loss and business failure? Maybe it’s vaccine fear and the government making it mandatory.

Whatever fear you’re feeling, it may not actually be fear.

It may be grief.

Grief may be the real villain lurking behind your emotions and uncertainty. And it may be accompanied by classic grief symptoms of numbness, sadness, anger, and loneliness. Not just the natural loneliness that accompanies extended lockdowns and stay-at-home orders, but the loneliness that tells you no one in the world has ever experienced what you’re going through and doesn’t have a clue what you’re suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tune in to your emotions—

Why is it so important to recognize your feelings and mine deeply into your heart and soul to discover what’s causing them?

Because if you don’t, you risk doing yourself physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual harm.

Without recognition and proper healing completion, you can be left with lifelong emotional and physical side effects.

The side effects of trauma.

 

Have you ever considered that what you’ve been experiencing for the last several months is trauma?

It is.

And most of us have experienced it to a certain degree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Digging deeper into grief—

There’s no way around it. Grief is uncomfortable, even physically painful.

And it encompasses three elements in your life: emotions, spirituality, and intellect, in that order.

First, you’re drenched with emotions, some of which may come and go.

Then your spirit is affected. The part of you that holds your emotions and character. The deepest part of you feels the grief. The pain you feel in the pit of your gut and heart.

And finally your intellect comes around to recognition and dealing with all of it. Confronting the reality of it and figuring out how to adjust.

In the beginning, because it craves a nice familiar balance, the brain will naturally rebel. It feels the discord and fights against it. The more you rehearse something new and make it “normal” the more normal and familiar it becomes to the brain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What grief can look like in a life-changing pandemic—

According to David Kessler, co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the book: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss, and author of the new book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, it’s important to acknowledge your grief so you can manage it.

He also believes you can find meaning in it.

Let’s look at what’s been happening in most states around the country during this coronavirus crisis and how it’s affected you.

 

You’re likely feeling a number of different griefs.

The world around you has changed, maybe dramatically. There are things you feel you’ve lost.

Even though you know this restricted living is temporarily, it probably doesn’t feel like it. You wonder how long it’s going to go on. Worse yet, what if it never stops?

You know things will change—maybe like having to mask up on every airplane flight from now on and having to submit to temperature checks before being allowed to enter a terminal—but at this point you really don’t know all the changes, or how they’ll affect you.

Then there’s that loss of “normal,” and the economic toll—to you, your city, state and country—and the loss of close contact, the connection you enjoyed with others at your weekly girlfriends’ night out or worship service, where you hugged and chatted and sang—loudly.

You might be feeling a loss of safety—what if the guy that accidentally bumped into you at the grocery store breathed COVID-19 viruses on you, after he coughed? You run home and anxiously hunker down through 14 days of self-quarantine. Every day you wake up making an internal assessment of how you feel—feverish, chills, sore throat, body aches, cough, breathing.

And that loss of safety seems to be universal, or collective—people staying six feet away from others and looking suspiciously at anyone who missteps that distance. Or maybe spitting on someone who does, as one shopper did to another in a store recently. Nice. That makes everyone feel safer, doesn’t it?

As Mr. Kessler pointed out for a recent Harvard Business Review article , the stages of grief he and Ms. Kubler-Ross arrived at aren’t linear and may not happen in order. And you may go through your grief process without experiencing all of them.

He also gives a great parallel construction of the grief stages to this pandemic:

 

  • “There’s denial, which we say a lot of early on: This virus won’t affect us.
  • There’s anger: You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities.
  • There’s bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks, everything will be better, right?
  • There’s sadness: I don’t know when this will end.
  • And finally there’s acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed.”

 

When you arrive at the acceptance stage, you can take steps to manage your response and feel as though you have more control than you thought you did over the situation. Well, at least over your life.

This, Kessler says, is where your power lies. This is where you can gain some control.

But there is another grief you need to be on the lookout for. A grief that can blow this situation out of proportion for your brain and emotions.

 

It’s called anticipatory grief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is anticipatory grief?

Several of my friends have experienced what we call anticipatory grief. It’s really anxiety, an unhealthy state of grief where you imagine the most horrible things that could happen. It’s where we see the worst-case scenarios and allow those scenarios to overwhelm our minds and bodies.

Kessler believes anticipatory grief is when our minds are being protective, and he gives some advice on how to manage that kind of grief.

 

“Our goal is not to ignore those images or try to make them go away — your mind won’t let you do that and it can be painful to try [to] force it. The goal is to find balance in the things you’re thinking. If you feel the worst image taking shape, make yourself think of the best image. We all get a little sick and the world continues. Not everyone I love dies. Maybe no one does because we’re all taking the right steps. Neither scenario should be ignored but neither should dominate, either.”

 

So it’s not a matter of trying to ignore these worst-case scenario thoughts, but to ask your brain some questions about what the reality is and the odds that those horrible things will really come to pass.

Bring yourself from the future back into the reality of the present.

Because that’s what you have control over.

 

As we’ve talked about in the last several posts, note your emotions, don’t get carried away in them. Note why you think you’re feeling them. Breathe and meditate. Use your senses to re-stabilize yourself—your surroundings, your present reality. Lean into what you do know.

Take control over what you can control. What others do or don’t do is out of your control. Don’t expend precious energy on thinking about it.

And practice compassion, on yourself and others. Frustrations are long, and tempers are short. People can overreact. Life is hard. We’re depleted of energy. Now is a time for all of us to extend great compassion and mercy toward one another.

And while we’re recognizing and honoring our emotions and tuning into our grief, we need to remember there are myths about grief we want to be aware of, and avoid getting caught up in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief Myths—

As we talked about last week, from an early age we learn myths about grief. We learn those myths by watching others mishandle their grief, or we are taught those myths by parents, family members, friends and spiritual counselors who also learned them while growing up and believe they’re the right way to respond.

 

But these myths can stunt grief healing and grief completion.

 

Last week we looked at the three myths: Don’t Feel Bad, Replace the Loss, and Grieve Alone.

Today we’ll look at Be Strong and Keep Busy. In two weeks, we’ll cover the most well known myth:

Time Heals All Wounds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Strong Myth (#4)—

Ever heard anyone say, “You have to be strong for her”? It’s especially true if there’s a death in the family, or a grave illness.

Or maybe you’ve heard someone say it to a child when a parent dies: “You have to be strong for your mom.”

When we say things like that, or try to act strong when we’re not feeling it, we teach others that it’s best to tough something out rather than be realistic and honoring of our emotions and reality.

 

And we teach children habits that will hinder them in life.

 

When we encourage children to become the family caretaker, they feel as though they need to be the responsible “strong” one, and save everyone else in the family.

Overnight, they try to transform themselves from children into adults.

 

The experts at the Grief Recovery Institute claim this is probably the most damaging myth, and behavior, of all.

 

“In all our years of working with grieving people, one of the most common and difficult-to-overcome problems is the child who was cast in or adopted the role of taking care of everyone else. It is one of the most heart-wrenching examples of loss-of-childhood experiences. While we are able to help people get their hearts back, we cannot give them their childhoods back.”

 

How many of you feel as though you lost your childhood because you felt you had to be strong for the family, because no one else in the clan was behaving like an adult, so you had to?

I know I felt as though much of my childhood was robbed because of these underlying reasons.

I was taught to be tough, to be strong, to never display emotion. And because of my parents’ relationship with one another, I constantly felt like the intermediary, the fixer. For so many years (decades) I was angry, and I didn’t know why. A couple of years ago the light bulb in my brain went on, and I knew why.

 

I’d been forced to grow up before my time.

 

So what does real strength look like?

The Grief Recovery Institute explains:

“Real strength looks like this:

The natural demonstration of emotions.

Saying and doing what is emotionally accurate.”

 

What kinds of results does having and demonstrating real strength give you?

“[It] teaches…how to communicate feelings, not to bury them.

[It] sustains energy for other tasks.”

 

Proper expressions of emotions free up energy to deal with life.

When you cling to and bury feelings and don’t express them properly, they get improperly expressed through explosive behavior or implosive destructive actions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Myth # 5: Keep Busy

Have you ever asked anyone recovering from the death of a loved one how they’re doing and receive the response: “I’m keeping busy”?

You might nod your heading knowingly and say, “I suppose that’s a good thing.”

But is it?

Keeping busy can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

 

After my daughter’s death, I either couldn’t stay busy enough or sleep enough. Either way I didn’t have to face my pain, think about my sorrow, or address the future.

I thought I was doing pretty well with my grief, being and doing constructive things.

I wasn’t.

Instead, I was avoiding the unfinished emotions attached to her physical death and the death of my hopes and dreams.

I distracted myself from pain and buried my emotions deep within my soul.

My husband did the same thing, immediately returning to work and distracting himself in it.

 

But grief emotions are powerful forces that don’t retreat or disappear quietly or without a fight.

When I lay down at night, the memories, emotions and physical pain swamped me like a tidal wave. And when they did, I put myself to sleep with the post-op painkillers my doctor prescribed. Until I ran out and he wouldn’t prescribe anymore of them.

 

Ever hear anyone talk about an emotional event they had that occurred twenty, thirty, forty or more years ago, and it sounds as though it happened yesterday?

Those people are the ones that haven’t really recovered from the event. They’re still reliving it.

 

As I’ve counseled before, please don’t rush yourself back into “normal” life after a traumatic event—like a death. And don’t let others try to rush you back there. There’s no “back there” to return to. You’re facing a new reality. You’re mind and body reel from it and reject it.

That numb feeling is normal. And it’s good for the overall recovery you need to go through. It protects us from dying of broken hearts, which some people do following the death of a spouse. Our brains, hearts, spirits and bodies need to adjust. And they need time to do that.

And each loss is unique to the individual. What’s helpful for one person may not be for another. And as much as time is a consideration, there is no recovery timeline a grieving person needs to be put on.

 

Above all, make sure a grieving person is allowed to share what they’re feeling. They need to be heard, and we need to listen.

If you or others are not heard in grief, then you risk burying emotions and developing behavior problems to combat the energy those emotions need to express and displace.

Then it winds up resembling a behavior problem rather than the grief problem it really is.

At this point a grieving person doesn’t need intellectual answers (those will come later, and they’ll figure them out), they need to heal their broken heart.

And that requires a lot of things.

Time isn’t necessarily one of them.

 

We’ll cover the time myth two weeks from now, on June 15.

Next week I’ll be providing a special COVID-break post.

I think we all need it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invitation:
  1. Continue to keep an emotions journal, noting what emotions you’re feeling and what triggers them. Again, don’t judge them. Just note them.
  2. How are you doing with COVID grief right now? At what grief “stage” would you say you’re functioning at—denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance? Or are you moving between them?
  3. What do you need to do to move through the process and come to terms with your losses and life changes? What are you doing to keep yourself physically healthy in the process?
  4. Have you experienced anticipatory grief, or are you in the middle of it, letting it cause you anxiety and paralyzing fear? How can you balance that kind of grief with reality and recognizing the control you do have over your life?
  5. What grief myths have you learned that have stifled your healing? What myths do you need to let go of in order to complete your grief healing process?

 

Until next week, journal your emotions, identify any anticipatory grief you’re experiencing, control what you can control (and rejoice over it!), and allow yourself to heal—without needing to be strong or keeping busy.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Coronavirus: Grief Myths and Grieving During the Pandemic

Grief. The word alone conjures up a lot of emotion—sadness, fear, pain, numbness, agony, anger. And it may conjure up memories—a loved one’s death, a divorce, or the loss of something significant in life.

Grief. Something all of us at every level of society are experiencing right now, amid strict or loose stay-at-home orders, career losses, thwarted, delayed and unknown futures in this worldwide COVID-19 catastrophe.

 

Usually grief is felt individually, or in small family and friend units. But now we’re experiencing a collective grief, probably more massive than the grief experienced by a country’s inhabitants during large-scale wars.

Before launching into dealing with the emotions and grief that invariably accompany a catastrophe like this coronavirus, let’s review the definition of grief I presented last week.

 

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is what you’re feeling grief?

Based on that definition, would you say you have, have not, or are currently suffering grief during this pandemic?

Has anything in life abruptly changed for you?

Has anything familiar—work pattern, family schedule, travel plans, freedom to come and go as you please—changed for you?

Are you worried about whether, and when, life will ever return to what you used to define as normal?

 

A myriad of emotions—

The new life we’ve had to adjust to and slog through the last several months, and may have to navigate for some time, dredges up a myriad of emotions.

Anger. Denial. Fear. Sadness. Fatigue. Numbness. Racing heart and thoughts. Fight or flight survival response. Pain. (Emotional pain can and does bring physical pain along with it.)

Emotions come and go all the time, but they’re likely far more frequent, intense and varied now.

As those emotions come, it will help us recognize them for what they are: grief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recognizing grief?

Why is it so important to recognize grief?

Because when you can recognize and name grief, you have a better chance of managing it and healing.

And when you can successfully manage it, you can find meaning in it. Meaning behind those uncomfortable—and sometimes frightening—emotions.

David Kessler (who worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the 5 stages of grief) says that aside from natural disasters or wars, few of us have ever encountered the weight of collective grief. A national grief that bears down on a nation’s conscience, heart and soul.

A grief that presses down until we feel we’re about to crack. That causes our hearts to race and our minds to conjure up possible, horrible events. A grief that triggers anxiety.

Which may explain why so many people are now rebelling against and defying government “orders” to stay at home. Alone. Sometimes isolated and lonely.

The human brain, and its innate desire and need to socialize in tribes, has reached a breaking point for some. They need to do something to remind themselves they’re still alive. That they have a reason for living; to strike a kindling for hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tips for combatting grief-driven anxiety and fear—

Make a list of your life’s tangibles—things you can hang onto that likely won’t change.

Relationships are the first things that usually come to mind, and people seem to be doing a great job of maintaining and deepening them right now. Hopefully that effort will continue once we’re out of the virus woods. It is a positive side effect of this pandemic.

Be tuned in to the emotions that do pass through your conscience, or assault it. And if they’re “negative” emotions, don’t be too inclined to let them settle down in your brain for the duration of this event. It’s when we allow them to nest in our psyches that they overwhelm and control us.

If the emotion is joy, rejoice and nurture it.

If it’s fear, recognize the fear, talk to it if you must, (as I learned to do with the claustrophobia that threatened to stunt my life and rob it of freedom and joy), or draw pictures of it, as you learned how to do in last week’s post. Journal about it in your emotions journal. And definitely learn how to meditate and breathe through it.

Remember to not judge your emotions, or chastise yourself for having them. Just recognize them and learn what you need to do with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Avoiding anticipatory grief—

Have you ever experienced anticipatory grief? The kind of grief that creeps up on you and lingers when you anticipate the death of a loved one. That kind of grief can help cushion the fall your heart will take when it happens, prepare your mind and body for the inevitable loss. In many ways, it can protect you from a devastating shock.

But anticipatory grief may be the kind of grief you’re experiencing right now, if you’re looking to the future and all you see is murky fog, an unknown.

When all you care or dare to see is a frightening void.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since you don’t usually know exactly what your future is going to hold, it’s critical that you don’t get caught up in catastrophic thoughts or what ifs. They can paralyze you, restrain you from doing anything, even if that anything is positive.

It’s so important to keep dreaming and planning; keep hoping, laughing, and loving.

Keep living!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you want your post-coronavirus story to look like?

What kind of life story do you want to write?

Whatever it is, I encourage you to start plotting and writing it! Don’t let what’s happening keep you from dreaming, planning, doing.

I know it’s difficult, but we need to keep forging ahead. Not oblivious to realities but in spite of them.

Who wants to look back one, two five years from now and lament how we let this event overwhelm us, control our behavior and thoughts, and stifle our lives and dreams?

As we plan, we know that the plan will come to fruition only if God wills it to be. As we plan, it’s God behind the action, the One who orders our steps.

So as we plan, we commit those hopes and dreams to God—to bless, delay or erase (Proverbs 16:9; James 4:3,15).

 

Myths about grief—

To get started on grief healing, it’s important to recognize the myths we’re usually taught from a young age. Myths that stifle our emotional health and growth.

Today I’m going to give you 3 of those myths, recognized and taught by the Grief Recovery Institute.

 

Myth #1: Don’t feel bad.

Have you ever experiencing something traumatic in your life (if it felt traumatic to you, it was), and been told not to feel bad about it?

You felt sad about something and expressed your honest emotion—sadness—to a family member or friend, and their response was that what happened to you wasn’t that important by declaring you shouldn’t feel bad.

What’s wrong with saying that to someone?

For starters, it’s dishonest and dangerous. A feeling is a feeling. And it’s insanely illogical for someone to tell us we shouldn’t feel a certain way.

And the people who do say things like that to us—like moms, dads, friends—often try to anesthetize our feelings with food. And we may try to anesthetize ourselves with alcohol or drugs.

The truth is that you’re going to feel a certain way whether someone else approves or not. And by saying that to someone, you shut down their emotions and cause them to question their feelings and worth.

You’re telling them that their sadness is wrong.

You simply can’t bypass sad, painful or negative emotions, no matter how unnerving or profound.

A good question to ask yourself is: Why is it okay to feel good when something pleasant happens and not okay to feel sad when something painful happens?

As the Grief Recovery Institute experts note:

 

“If you believe in the magnificent design of humans, then you must accept the fact that in order to have the capacity to feel happiness or joy, you must also be able to experience sadness or pain.”

 

In their book When Children Grieve, they point out:

“A recent study determined that by the time a child is fifteen years old, he or she has already received more than twenty-three thousand reinforcements that indicate it’s not acceptable to show or communicate about sad feelings” (2001; page 17).

 

The truth of this statement hits home, in a painful way.

I started my gymnastics career at the tender age of eight and learned immediately that expressions of pain or sadness weren’t allowed. In fact, they were punished.

Stuffing my feelings became the reality and habit of my life for decades. Only recently have I been able to identify my emotions, validate them and understand them as normal.

My emotions make me human and whole. I’m more broken and harmed when I don’t acknowledge them and tell myself I’m weak because I feel them.

I’ve had to go through the difficult grieving process of not being allowed, or able, to feel them.

The book goes on to say that:

 

“The single largest source of emotional confusion in our society stems from the patently false idea that we somehow should not allow ourselves to experience sad, painful, or negative feelings.”

 

Feeling bad is not bad. It’s okay for us to feel bad about bad or sad things: Losses. Pain. Dislocations in our lives or routines.

Telling others that feeling bad, or feeling hurt, also feeds into the pervasive and destructive belief that since we shouldn’t feel bad about anything, it must be someone else causing us to feel that way. And then we point blaming fingers at people for making us feel something we believe we shouldn’t be feeling.

When we believe that, we really convince ourselves that we’re helpless.

And the end result is that we don’t take responsibility for what we’ve said, felt, or done.

We become victims—convinced other people are the designers and cause of our feelings.

And we believe that we’re responsible for others’ feelings too.

 

Myth #2: Replace the Loss

Have you ever felt sad about losing a pet, or a relationship, or an opportunity and had someone say to you: “Oh, that’s okay. We’ll get you a new pet. Or, We’ll go someplace else.

It’s the idea that what you were hoping for or counting on can easily be replaced by option #2, or something else.

That way you’ll instantly stop feeling bad!

Heaven forbid we should feel bad about losing something.

 

Trying to replace a loss with something else, or thinking that you can, dismisses the importance of the event, the relationship, the milestone, the hard work and dedication given to a goal.

How many thousands of young women and men have missed high school and college graduation ceremonies—significant rights of passage—this year. Passages they’ll never be able to retrieve or recreate or enjoy?

How many couples have missed planned wedding dates, or had to substitute brief court ceremonies for family-festive wedding ceremonies and receptions?

In the United States alone, at least 100,000 families have had to forego honoring memorial services or funerals.

A dangerous effect of this replace-the-loss attitude and practice is:

 

“A failure to complete past relationships can make full participation in new relationships difficult or impossible.”

 

Trying to replace a relationship loss can cause a wedge between others.

I think you can see how “Don’t feel bad,” and “You need to replace the loss” often go hand-in-hand.

We can’t fix our sadness and loss through replacement. We need to go through the healing process to complete the grieving.

When your heart has been broken, feel bad about it.

I’m giving you permission.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Myth #3: Grieve alone

Can you finish the following well-known line?

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry…”

Could you finish it?

Insert the word “alone,” and you’re right.

But nothing could—or should be—further from the truth.

But that’s what we’re taught from an early age. That we should let others grieve alone; and that it’s best if we grieve that way too.

Yet Scripture is clear: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).

Just as we are to celebrate with those who have something to celebrate, we are to grieve with those who have suffered a loss, or are mourning for some reason.

While you may feel as though you want to be left alone (initially) to process the shock of the loss or the information you’ve just received, how many of us grieve alone exclusively because we feel uncomfortable grieving in front of others (heavens, we can’t let them see our weak, weepy side); or feel as though we need to “remain strong” for someone else?

It seems to be a stoic Western trait, as many societies actually invite others to join them in their homes to wail and mourn for a designated period of time. Some actually hire wailers and mourners to follow caskets and funeral processions.

There’s something comforting in knowing that someone else is willing to come alongside you to allow you to grieve, and support you in doing that.

Yes, information and shock overload often cause us to retreat, to be alone and away from others that act as though nothing has changed, or because we’re downright overwhelmed and exhausted. But that doesn’t have to be the norm, and likely shouldn’t be.

The reason most people grieve alone is because they feel guilty about feeling bad and fear being judged or criticized by others for having feelings of loss and sorrow.

We don’t want to feel defective or weak. We’re not sure we should feel bad. And many people are probably telling us this, or implying it.

If you don’t feel safe feeling bad, you’re certainly not going to feel safe feeling bad in public.

 

Sadly, I frequently see and hear this in the Christian community. In chirpy, pontificating tones, earnest believers cite passage after Scripture passage about counting suffering as joy, or how blessed the mourners and sufferers are and will be in God’s kingdom.

This type of encouragement usually doesn’t encourage. It often adds a heart burden.

The feeling of not being grateful for what I’ve got, I shouldn’t feel bad, and I need to grieve alone.

I encourage everyone to listen to people’s hearts. Weep with them. Hear them. Listen so they’ll talk.

And find others who will listen to your heart, so you can grieve properly, successfully, and complete the grieving so you can arrive at the place of being healed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invitation—

How did you do on last week’s invitation to keep an emotions journal? Did you find it helpful? Did you learn anything about the emotions, or number of them that you experienced?

Were you able to reduce your fear and anxiety with the breathing, dancing or shaking exercises?

For today’s post, consider answering the following questions:

  1. What have you lost, or lost out on because of COVID-19? A job, or business profit? A graduation ceremony? An opportunity you likely won’t have again?
  2. What kind of emotions are you experiencing because of those losses?
  3. Have you been able to grieve them, or have you been afraid to grieve? Did you realize the emotions you’ve been experiencing are related to grief?
  4. Who do you know that you can share your grief with and will listen to your fears and grief and mourn with you? Have you shared with them?
  5. Think of where you are now and where you’d like to be six, twelve, eighteen months from now? What would you like your life plan to look like? What would you like to achieve?

 

NEXT WEEK we’ll look at more common grief myths that hinder our healing and grief completion.

Until then, mourn your losses and remind yourself that grief is a natural reaction to them. Find someone to mourn with you. And look forward to the future with hope and dreaming. (Once we complete the grief and emotions discussions, we’ll look more closely at life planning!)

See you back here next week!

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.