Have you ever revealed your deepest grief pain to someone only to have her give you an immediate comeback of super-positive or upbeat thinking they believe you should focus on? Something to get you over your slump?
What they may be guilty of is toxic positivity.
While there is no question that being positive and grateful is good for the brain and good for you physically and emotionally, it sometimes does more harm than good when you’re mired deeply in grief, and you’re nursing a raw heart.
Thinking back—
Do you remember a time when someone responded in a nauseatingly positive way when all you wanted to do was share your heart’s pain and have a listening heart hear it?
How did it make you feel?
I remember a lot of overly upbeat sentiments after my daughter’s death. And I remember the effect they had.
- Shame.
- Embarrassment.
- A sense of lacking, or being inadequate.
- Betrayed.
- Devastated.
- Misunderstood.
- Anger.
The emotions list could go on and on.
Instead of encouraging me, most of the responses made me retreat into myself and believe that people couldn’t relate to my pain, didn’t want to relate to it, and were eager to have me get back to life and living.
My pain made them uncomfortable.
So I really shouldn’t share it.
Biggest culprits—
Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, Christians are often the biggest culprits of toxic positivity. They’re too quick to recite Bible passages meant to encourage the griever. To put their grief in God’s perspective. (As if the griever were ignorant about all those passages.)
While their hearts might be in the right place, often their mouths aren’t. They aren’t listening with their hearts.
And now the hard question: Are you guilty of doing that to someone?
Yes, there are many, many Bible passages exhorting us to lift one another up, but there is also that big one that tells us that we need to “weep with those who are weeping.”
In order to weep with someone, we need to listen deeply, and weep. And hold. And then, when the griever’s heart is receptive, encourage with more upbeat passages and thinking.
We need to be available to walk alongside them in their grief and trauma, not rush ahead, drag them forward, or get behind them and push.
But I don’t want us to get way ahead of ourselves here. I want to take time to explore this, so we can really learn and heighten our sensitivities and hone our responses to broken, hurting hearts.
What’s ahead—
I’m going to take the entire month of February to cover this new, hot topic, which you may have heard about. This month we’ll:
- Define toxic positivity.
- Give you examples of it.
- Give you ways to deal with and respond to it (if the damaged griever).
- Help you develop good handholding and empathy skills.
- Discuss the benefits of helpful positivity and how to incorporate that into your life—at the right time.
Toxic positivity definition—
But for today, let’s just start with the current definition of toxic positivity.
While there is no psychological category for it, nor is there a formal diagnosis, the group at What’s Your Grief? provide this definition:
“Toxic positivity is promoting the ideal or goal that, no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy or optimistic mindset.”
In other words, “Happy, happy, happy!’ at all times, and in all things.
Is there anything wrong with this?
Well, no, and yes.
And that’s what we’re going to be exploring this month. In small, helpful, bite-size increments. Helpful for the griever, and the one the griever seeks support and empathy from.
Hope you can join me!
Invitation—
For this week, meditate on the toxic positivity definition. See where your thoughts take you on this. Maybe jot down some times you’ve experienced toxic positivity from a well—meaning friend, or when you think you’ve been guilty of it.
On a side note: After a bout with COVID right at the beginning of the New Year, it’s good to be teaching and mentoring again!
And for those of you who are caregivers, check out Guideposts’ bi-monthly devotional Strength and Grace for daily, uplifting devotions to help caregivers as they minister to and care for aging parents, patients, and family members struggling with mental illness, like dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s a joy to be a member of the writing team contributing to this magazine. For more information, go to Guideposts.org.
Blessings,
Andrea
“I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.