IN OUR RECENT GRIEF RECOVERY discussions, we’ve looked at the significance of apologies and forgiveness. Today we’ll look at how significant emotional statements fit into the successful relationship review and grief pain completion.
Significant emotional statements: otherwise known as really important stuff you need to say.
What is a significant emotional statement?
A significant emotional statement (SES) is defined as anything of emotional value that doesn’t count as an apology or forgiveness. It’s any comment communicating something important; anything important that was said or left unsaid before someone died, or before a significant relationship (marriage, friendship) ended.
Examples of significant emotional statements—
A SES could be statements like:
You were such a good husband, who made me laugh and enjoy life.
I wish that we would have been given more time together.
I wish you would have gone to the doctor sooner. Maybe treatment given sooner would have helped.
I love you, and I know how much you loved me.
I’m grateful for the full life we lived together.
I loved your belly laughs and loving eyes and touch.
I’ll miss having breakfast with you every morning, praying with you and discussing our plans for the day.
I’ll miss lying in bed with you, holding one another, thanking God for the blessings in our life.
I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work.
I thought our marriage was for better or for worse; that we’d be together until death do us part.
I don’t know what happened for you to end our friendship. I wish you’d tell me so I could make it right.
Significant emotional statements are statements conveying your emotional attachments or a feeling, regret, love, desire, hope and expectation.
It’s anything you feel should have been said or should be communicated now.
Every relationship is unique, to you—
Understanding and appreciating that every relationship is unique to a person is important, and it affects your significant emotional statements and the statements of others grieving the loss of the same person.
How often have you told a story and your significant other or sibling loudly proclaims: “No, that’s not how it happened!” And they proceed to tell their version of the story and correct yours.
But that’s the point. It’s usually their version of the story they’re telling. Their personal memories, from their point of view. And their emphasis on events and feelings is likely to be much different than yours; their experience will be different.
A grieving son will have different emotional experiences about his father than his grieving mother has about her husband. The grieving sister will have different feelings than her grieving brother.
We need to be extra careful not to plant our feelings into the hearts and minds of others grieving the same loss. Or plant feelings of a loss we’ve experienced into the hearts and minds of a friend’s loss.
The death of one mother’s child will not be experienced the same way the death of another mother’s child will be felt.
When significant emotional statements need to be followed by forgiving ones—
You’ll find that some significant emotional statements should naturally be followed up with apologies or forgiving statements. Let’s look at some of the above examples.
I love you, and I know how much you loved me, might be followed by “I should have told you more how much you meant to me. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work. This might have the statement: “I’m sorry for being unforgiving and not working harder on our marriage.” Or: “I forgive you for giving up so easily on us.”
The point is that if a negative statement is made, it should be followed up with a statement of forgiveness. Only then will grief completion be possible.
What about fond memories—
By all means, put fond memories on the list and make statements about them.
They could be thank you statements, specific memories of good times, significant life events. Things you especially appreciated about the person’s character or personality.
Is a significant emotional statement the end of it?
So you’ve written down a list of statements. Is that it? Are you done?
Not quite. We have to put all of these statements together, and remember that just because we do it successfully doesn’t mean we’ll never think about, talk about, or long for the person again.
BUT BEWARE!
Do not skip the forgiveness statements. An unforgiving spirit and withholding forgiveness “is the largest stumbling block to successful completion of the pain caused by loss.” (Grief Recovery Institute)
As I’ve said before, please don’t fall into the trap of believing that forgiveness condones hurtful behavior. Those thoughts and actions curtail and hinder a potentially lifesaving action.
“A lack of forgiveness always imprisons the wrong person.”
I would add that it always damages your heart.
It leaves you in the state of perpetual victimhood, constantly reminding yourself of the painful things, the unfairness of things that happened a very long time ago.
Putting it all together—
Putting all these components together gives you the freedom to move on to and achieve grief completion. It’s the catalyst for healing, like when a surgeon re-sets a bone to straighten it out so it can heal. And a physical therapist gives you exercises to complete the healing to return you to a full life.
Invitation—
Examine your heart deeply. Are there people in your life you haven’t truly forgiven for their actions? How can you take concrete and effectual steps today to do that?
Is there someone you’ve recently lost who you wanted to say something more to, either before their passing or now? Write these down.
Is there someone you’ve lost to death or lost as a friend that you can and would like to make a significant emotional statement to? Write those statements down.
This can be a time of wonderful memories flooding your heart and mind. Even if they cause you to grieve again, consider the fond memories blessings of a life well lived.
NEXT WEEK: Moving from discovery to completion!
Until then, write down those significant, fond memories and add them to your apologies and forgiving statements.
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
LAST WEEK IN OUR SERIES on doing a relationship review to complete your grief healing, we talked about the importance of apologies in successfully completing your grief process. This week we’ll explore forgiveness.
Forgiveness. Even the word can make people cringe and feel queasy and defensive. It’s not always an easy thing to give to someone, and it’s a healing component a lot of people get stuck at and resist doing.
But I can’t stress enough it’s importance.
How important is forgiveness in grief and loss recovery?
Forgiveness is usually a critical element to completing unfinished and incomplete emotions attached to any relationship you have throughout your life. Someone is bound to hurt you—sometimes horrifically, so; and you are bound to hurt another person. It’s unavoidable. We’re sinful people with myriad wants, needs, greeds and hang-ups.
Relationships are overrun by sensitive natures, life experiences and prejudices about life topics. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations abound.
It doesn’t help that society’s definitions and concepts of forgiveness are often hidden landmines that complicate the process, as are the reasons behind forgiving someone and what to expect after forgiveness is given.
But why is forgiveness such a critical element?
Read on to find out.
Basic definition of forgiveness—
The psychologists at the Greater Good Science Center at University of California—Berkeley define forgiveness as:
“A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”
Look at the key words in their definition:
Conscious
Deliberate (decision)
Release (of feelings)
A conscious, deliberate release. The process is action-oriented, not passive.
And then please take note: forgiving someone has nothing to do with whether or not the recipient of your forgiveness actually deserves it.
And that’s where people get really stuck, to a point where not forgiving or being unable or unwilling to forgive negatively affects their life.
Does “forgive” mean “condone”?
This is where a lot of people get hung up emotionally and spiritually, thinking forgive equates to condoning.
Does it?
Absolutely not!
Forgive does NOT equate to condone.
Ever.
And just because you forgive someone does not mean you reconcile or re-establish a relationship with the person you’re forgiving.
Let’s look at their different definitions, as given in Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary:
Forgive—
1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (compensation or retaliation)
Condone—
: to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable or harmless.
: or dismiss as of little importance
Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines it as: to treat as if trivial, harmful, or of no importance.
So should you treat horrific behavior that demoralized or physically or emotionally harmed you as something you should condone, regardless of the offender’s relationship to you?
No.
But if we focus on the definition of forgive, and the critical reasons for it, we’ll be heading in the right direction.
The dangers of harboring resentment and having an unforgiving heart—
If you decide you can’t or won’t forgive someone, what’s the harm to you, or the other person?
Actually, there’s likely no harm to them. They’re usually not the ones suffering for their behavior.
But before we go one, let’s look at one more definition.
Resentment:
“… a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.”
I especially want you to focus on the persistent ill will part of the definition.
Continuous. Unrelenting. Never-ending. Ongoing.
In other words, something that nags at you. Affects your behavior and thoughts. Drags you down. Drives you nuts. Dogs you. And likely compromises your emotional and physical health.
And therein lies the problem.
The un-forgiver, not the perpetrator, is the one that suffers.
As the Grief Recovery Institute points out, and which is so true and substantiated by life and Scripture, is that:
“Any resentment etched into the memory of events that occurred in the past will limit and restrict [your] ability to participate fully in life. Any reminder of the person or event about which the resentment exists may stimulate a painful reliving of the unfinished emotions attached to it. Successful recovery requires completion of the pain rather than retention of the resentment.” (my italics)
By clutching on to your resentment, you’re forever reliving the perpetrator’s act and re-experiencing the pain.
And if the perpetrator has died, constantly reliving it—and feeling all the pain and anger surrounding it—doesn’t hurt the deceased person. It only hurts you.
You’re hurting you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again.
If that’s what’s happening, it’s impossible for you to live a life of joy and healthy productivity.
You won’t thrive.
There’s no debating that sometimes people’s actions are insensitive, careless, thoughtless, mean, vengeful or downright evil. But if you don’t forgive them, you will never be truly free mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually.
May I be blunt?
Forgiveness should not be looked upon as the “F” word.
Forgiveness is often an action first, feeling second—
Sometimes you may feel compelled to offer someone forgiveness. Your heart just feels as though it’s overflowing with mercy and grace.
Other times, not so much.
In those difficult, not-so-much times, consider forgiveness to be the first-step action. Then, if your forgiveness is sincere and verbally stated, the feelings will follow.
Just hearing yourself say “I forgive you for…” out loud is enough to change your heart and mind as your action and words form an imprint on your brain.
It breaks open that dam holding in the stagnant resentment and lets it escape.
It cleanses your heart. It prompts healing to occur. It reduces physical, emotional and spiritual stress.
You can extend forgiveness for something someone did or for something they did not do.
I can forgive my father for not telling me how radiant I was on my wedding day, insisting that I focus on my mother and tell her how lovely she looked. But it wasn’t her day. It was mine. Neither of them seemed to appreciate that. When I descended the church stairs to take my dad’s arm and begin the processional, that was the comment he hit me with.
It broke my heart.
But his thoughtlessness didn’t need to break my heart for the rest of my life.
He never realized or acknowledged his omission or commission, so I didn’t confront him or ask for his forgiveness (a subject we’ll get to in just a minute), but I have made a forgiving statement directed toward his memory out loud and to my husband, because it’s important for someone else to hear it (a subject we’ll also cover in more detail in other posts).
It frees my heart to let that go. And it gives me extra real estate in my brain to construct happy memories.
And there are many other, more grievous events and words, I have forgiven both my parents for.
What about “I can forgive, but I can’t forget”?
Because their thoughts on this are so clear, true and concise, I’m going to quote Grief Recovery Institute.
“The implication of “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that “since I cannot forget, I will not forgive. The real questions are: Who stays an emotional prison cell? Who continues to resent and shut down their own mind, body, and heart? Whose life is limited by the absence of forgiveness?”
Clearly, the perpetrator is not the one suffering.
Should you ask a living person for forgiveness?
While asking for forgiveness and giving an apology seem identical, they’re really not. Let’s look closely at the two.
When you focus on giving an apology, you’re recognizing and admitting to your poor or grievous behavior and taking full responsibility for it.
And you’re leaving the forgiveness up to the person you’ve harmed, which is their right to give, or not.
However, when you approach the problem and person with: “Please forgive me for…” you’re already telling them you have an expectation for their reciprocating behavior. It’s really a manipulative technique, and one that puts the potential forgiver in an uncomfortable situation.
And they may say they forgive you without really meaning it.
I once had a friend say to me: “You’ll need to extend me grace on that,” when I said to her “I haven’t seen you in a while,” at a wedding reception. It struck me as an odd, somewhat flippant comment that was intended to shut down any further discussion about it. And she said it with a smile, which told me she really wasn’t apologizing for her silence.
I hadn’t said it with an accusatory tone, or even expected any explanation. I just nodded.
Don’t ask the person to do something that you need to do, with forthrightness and conviction. Take action, and allow the other person time to consider your actions.
After offering an apology for the specific action or inaction, you might follow up by saying, “I hope you can forgive me.” Then leave it up to them.
Should you tell someone you’ve forgiven her when she hasn’t apologized?
Telling someone you forgive them when they haven’t apologized is a danger to be avoided at all cost.
Why?
Because your statement is likely to be considered an attack.
And if they haven’t apologized, the person you’ve forgiven doesn’t need to know you’ve forgiven them.
This is what happens in forgiving someone who is deceased. You won’t be speaking directly to them, so they won’t know. You’ll know.
And that’s enough.
Don’t be trapped in your past by an unforgiving heart—
Again, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re condoning bad or dangerous behavior.
It’s disengaging your heart from the ugly past and allowing yourself to move forward, fully engaged in and with life.
It’s the best way to “let go.” To “cease to feel resentment.”
It gives you your best shot at a thriving, healthy life!
How does God fit in to forgiveness?
I love knowing that when I repent, God forgives me. And I remember that He promises that as far as the east is from the west, He will remember my sin no more. That gives me comfort and the impetus to repent and feel cleansed.
While we’re human, and it seems impossible for us to cast away our memories, remember that nothing is impossible with God. If you’re having difficulty in this area, ask Him for help. He’ll faithfully provide.
And we can remember what our precious Lord Jesus had to say about this when He taught the disciples to pray to the Father:
“…forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
That section of what is commonly referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer” always gives me pause and makes me ask myself:
“Is there anyone I haven’t forgiven?”
If I have not—and I don’t—then I stifle my relationship with God. I don’t and can’t receive all the blessings He has for me. I tie His hands from giving them to me.
Am I willing to put a wedge between God and me, just to hang onto my justified resentment? To forgo His blessings and hamper our relationship?
I think not.
I hope not.
Jesus had something else to say about this forgiveness stuff and how important it is to God and your relationship with Him. In Matthew 5, verses 23 and 24, He instructs His followers:
“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God” (The Message).
If forgiveness is important to God, it should be important to us.
Does that make it easy? No. We’re human. It’s hard.
But remembering what the Lord spoke on the cross, when He asked the Father to forgive the people who put Him to death because they didn’t know what they were doing, should make it easier.
I hope you can and will use Jesus as your example when freely offering forgiveness to others, no matter what their sin.
Countless lives have been destroyed or rendered fruitless and pain-riddled by the inability or stubborn refusal to complete their relationships with past painful events, by refusing to forgive and free themselves from the events.
Please don’t let that be you.
Invitation—
Is there anyone in your life you know you’ve harmed by a careless word or deed that you need to apologize to?
Has anyone harmed you and hasn’t apologized for the harm they did?
Who and what is that harm? What kind of effect did it have on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
If the person is alive, and you haven’t yet forgiven them, I invite you to pray for them. It’s very difficult, if not nearly impossible, to feel anger toward a person you’re praying for. Start there, and you may find it easier to move to the forgiveness stage.
Think and pray about how un-forgiveness has affected your life, is affecting it now. Ask yourself if you really want to continue living with the grudge you’re holding.
Has anyone asked for your forgiveness and you really haven’t given it? Why not? What steps could you take today to make that happen, to free your soul?
If the person is deceased, write down specific “I forgive you for…” and “I’m sorry for…” statements to that person. Be specific. Openly state your misdeed. We’ll use these when we write the complete Relationship Review letter in a few weeks.
Before you go, enjoy the songs by Matthew West and Kevin LeVar.
NEXT WEEK: a look at significant emotional statements and how they fit into the relationship review and grief completion.
Until then,
Remember that forgiving is not condoning; and err on the side of forgiveness. For your sake.
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
APOLOGY. Defined by Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.”
Something some people wait a lifetime for and never receive.
But it’s a critical component of a grief recovery relationship review. Without it, your recovery won’t ever be truly complete.
And it comes first on the relationship review to-do list.
Apologies—
Heartfelt apologies need to be extended whether you’re apologizing for a sin of commission or omission, or just a plain discourtesy. I’m sure you can think of things you’ve said or done, or not said or done, that you know have been hurtful to others.
You need to apologize for what you wish you’d done or said differently.
The basics of apologies in grief or loss—
If the person you’ve wronged is still living, the apology may be done face-to-face. Sometimes that’s best. But sometimes it’s not possible, and a letter or phone call will suffice. Or an email, or text. But a call or letter is still a preferred method.
Some apologies can’t, or shouldn’t, be given directly, though. Here’s an example of an apology that shouldn’t be given directly.
Suppose you were gathering with friends and, in a fit of meanness, said some nasty things about a family member of yours. While your conscience about that infraction may suffer, it’s not recommended that you get your acquaintance on the phone and tell her what you’ve done, unless she finds out about your transgression through the gossip chain, of course. Then you’d want to seek her out and apologize.
However, it is important that you take that transgression to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your mean spirit. And you can always confide in someone close that you’ve said those things. Whichever way you choose to do it, it needs to be said to someone, out loud. Write it down and read it, or just speak it out during your prayer or meditation time.
You can think of an apology’s place in grief completion by remembering that:
“Completion is the result of the action of issuing an apology as a verbal statement, heard by at least one other person.” (Grief Recovery Institute)
Apologizing to someone who has died—
We tend to think and believe that death completes what’s left emotionally unfinished about the relationship. The person is gone, so the emotions about past events should end. Let bygones be bygones, right?
Not so. If anything, some of these left-undone emotions become stronger and more life disabling, especially if they’re not addressed and dealt with. Completed.
“We are unfinished in exactly those things that we realize never got said or heard.”
In the course of your grieving, you would likely uncover things that still need to be said, even if that person is gone or out of your life.
Death does not obliterate the need to put an end to what was left unfinished.
So if you’re grieving a death, all unfinished or unsaid emotional statements—think apologies, here—need to be spoken indirectly.
And in order for this relationship review completion to be effective, the apology needs to be spoken to another, trusted confidant.
What an apology is not—
I once had a loved one call me with an emotional plea of forgiveness, begging for reconciliation, after weeks (actually months) of leaving nasty phone messages on my phone about how horrible I was, didn’t do what I should be doing as far as she was concerned, and fell woefully short of her expectations.
You would have thought I was thrilled that she apologized without prompting.
Well, yes, and no.
While I was happy she was trying to reconcile, her “apology” wasn’t really an apology. Why?
She didn’t elaborate about what, exactly, she was apologizing for. She simply said, “I’m sorry.” And then added: “You’re all I have. I love you and want you back in my life.”
I should have known better, but without a lot of deep thought or enough prayer, I called her and told her I accepted her apology.
Bad move. And it has continued to cost me in the relationship.
What she was giving me was a desperate “I’m sorry” in order to try to patch up a relationship she felt she needed to patch up—so she wouldn’t be alone.
And I foolishly accepted it, without asking her what, specifically, she was apologizing for. And waiting for her to acknowledge and state it.
And that’s what a bona fide apology is: a statement stating specifically what you are sorry for—an honest and forthright elaboration of what you did wrong, didn’t do that you should have done, or wished you had done. It’s taking responsibility for your actions or inaction and speaking it out loud.
She manipulated me, and by my not pressing her for the details, I didn’t protect myself from future negative interactions. I should have told her how her behavior hurt me or set appropriate boundaries. But that’s another discussion.
An apology is not given to manipulate someone. It’s not a way to extract something you want from someone else.
If you’ve harmed someone, be honest about it. Acknowledging and stating what you’ve done or not done will help you be a more complete, at peace person. It’s a sign of character and maturity.
And remember, no one is obliged to accept an apology. The receiving person’s actions are up to them. It’s out of your control.
The objection is to complete the grief or loss, not manipulate.
Benefits of an apology to a living person—
A heartfelt apology can enhance and deepen a relationship, or expand one. And it clears the giver’s heart and brain of cobwebs.
Sometimes the relationship isn’t repaired or reconciled, but at least you know you’ve done your part and owned up to your shortcomings.
Benefits of an apology to a deceased person—
Plain and simply, the benefit is a clear heart.
Interestingly, one of the first things that floods your heart and mind following a loved one’s death is all the things you didn’t do that you know you should have or wished you had done, and all the things you know you did wrong in the relationship that you wished you’d apologized for.
It seems to hold true for any death, including pets.
For your parent, maybe you didn’t tell them you loved them enough. Didn’t visit enough; call enough. Didn’t tell them how much you appreciated their sacrifices for you.
For a pet, you’re sorry about not spending enough play time with them, not feeding them on time, not cleaning their cat box as often as you should have.
On August 22, when we had to help our younger son’s dog pass over the Rainbow Bridge, I warned my son about the myriad emotions he was likely to be slammed with as soon as the vet pronounced his dog, Hami, gone. “Don’t be surprised if you feel guilty for not having been here enough after leaving for college, for not walking him enough, for ignoring him.”
My 25-year old son nodded, as though he understood.
He didn’t.
One of his first comments to his dad right after Hami passed was: “I didn’t know I’d get swamped with so many emotions and feel so bad.”
He spent a good 15 minutes alone with his beloved dog, weeping, talking to him through his tears, apologizing, stroking and loving him some more. And then he wept again graveside as we prayed and talked about Hami’s wonderful qualities.
And he stood by Hami’s grave several more times, weeping and talking to Hami before leaving the next day to return to college.
And the four of us (his girlfriend included) sat around doing a relationship review of Hami and his life and the impact he had on all of us. Even our older son shared his thoughts and love via a text and phone call, to his brother and to me.
It helped us heal. We’re still healing, but the apologies have been said. And that’s helped our grief completion move forward, to completion.
Actions create completion—
Don’t be fooled. Time doesn’t create completion.
Actions do.
And you can tell whether or not a person has really completed a grief by the stories they tell.
If you hear them tell the same negative stories over and over and over about a deceased person or a severed friendship, or if they are constantly reviewing the relationship, you know their grief has not been completed.
They’re stuck.
Lack of completion compels them to repeat the story over and over.
Does life go on after death or loss?
Yes, life goes on.
There is some truth to believing that we shouldn’t dwell on a negative past.
The problem lies in that we are not usually taught how to move on in life, the constructive steps we need to take to move forward, to regain our footing and live full, productive and completely happy lives.
Apologizing is a critical action step. One we would all do well to learn and practice.
Invitation—
Is there someone you know you need to reach out to with an apology, in order to mend a relationship or clear your damaged heart?
Is there a deceased loved one you harmed that you owe an apology to? I invite you to note that harm or misdeed to use later in a full relationship review letter.
If you’re like me and were raised in a home where apologies were rarely uttered, then you might have difficulty apologizing or recognizing your need to do so. Ask a trusted friend if they notice that tendency in you. And then learn why it’s so important to offer an apology—what it does for you and the receiving person. I encourage you to start practicing it. In time, with practice, it gets easier. J
NEXT WEEK: Forgiveness as part of the complete relationship review.
See you next week!
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
HOW ARE YOU at completing what you started, taking it all the way to the end? Would you say you’re a great starter, AND a great finisher? Or are you better at getting all excited about starting something, delving into it, only to find yourself fizzling out and leaving it undone?
I confess I’m a better starter than finisher. I usually burn up all my enthusiasm and energy for a project before putting the finishing touches of completion on it. All I have to do is glance around my house to prove it. Or open a craft box. (To my joy, many of those years-left-partially-finished-and-undone projects were recently completed. Hallelujah! But I had to really give myself a lot of pep talks and fanny kicking to do them.)
Complicate the matter with my ADD tendencies, and the fact that I often have too many projects going at one time, and you have a recipe for lots of starts but few completions.
But after a project is really finished, it feels soooo good. Not only does the project look and feel completed, and gives me pleasure, but I kind of feel completed too. Really satisfied. And better. Looking at undone projects depresses me, and makes me feel a little tarnished, like the threads of my life are hanging frayed and knotted.
Grief and grieving can follow the same course.
But just how do we ensure that we complete the grieving well and don’t leave any suppressed grief festering in our souls?
The “How” of Grief Recovery and Completion—
If statistics are correct, we are people who love to learn how to do things. We constantly search “How to” do this or that on the Internet. We want to learn, so we can accomplish things, grow, share our new knowledge and achieve. Change.
But as much as we want to be able to get through the grief we didn’t start on purpose, we don’t always ask “How?” or know what steps we should take to finish the grief, or complete it. Deep in our hearts, we still feel as though something’s not quite finished with the grieving process.
Last week we started our discussion on the grief completion process, and I introduced the term and idea of using a relationship review to help with that completion. Before we move on, though, let’s review the Grief Recovery Institute’s definition of completion.
“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”
Sounds simple, straightforward and easy enough, doesn’t it?
But maybe it’s not.
Like any project we endeavor to start and complete, there are steps we need to take to get it done. We usually can’t do the steps out of order, and we sometimes need to wait patiently for one step to be completed (maybe dry or cure) before moving onto the next one. And if we bungle one, sometimes we need to tamp down our frustration, back up, and redo it. Otherwise the finished product looks kind of crummy and unfinished.
What’s involved in grief completion?
Again, before we move on, let’s review the truths of this completion definition.
Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotionsthat have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.
Grief completion is the process you go through. It’s where you dig deeply into your heart and memory banks to find and expose those emotions that naturally accompany any relationship. The emotions you buried or were lying dormant.
The emotions that brought you joy.
The emotions that brought you pain.
The emotions you felt guilty for having.
The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.
Through that act of discovery—identifying those honest emotions and expressing them—you move forward to completing your grief. Putting yourself back together, to be whole and thrive.
And the means by which we can do this is the relationship review.
What is a relationship review?
A relationship review happens when we dig down deep and draw out and express those emotions we had, and may still have, surrounding a relationship and its loss.
Happy emotions. Sad emotions. Regretful or guilty emotions. Unfinished emotions.
Emotions directly related to your relationship with the person, job, or pet you lost.
The family member that died. The house and community you had to leave. The beloved pet you had to put down. The job you walked away from, or lost. The friend that decided they no longer valued you or your friendship and said goodbye.
Those are the emotions swirling around what you wished could or would have been different, better, or more about the relationship. Unrealized hopes and dreams about the future. The ones you had to say goodbye to or walk away from.
The discovery of those emotions can be used to complete what is emotionally unfinished.
Who’s responsible for making the correct action choices?
In spite of exhaustion or a desire to ignore and hope it goes away, it is the griever who needs to take these decisive actions. A concerned friend or family member can’t do it for them. While you may suggest and encourage, go first, or walk alongside, or be a listening ear, you cannot force or do.
You cannot complete this difficult project for them.
Recovery from grief or loss is achieved by a series of steps—small and correct actions—made by the griever.
Each griever had his or her own unique relationship with the person, family, pet, or circumstance. The actions they take are entirely about their relationship—not anyone else’s—with those people or things.
Other people’s relationship emotions must not be planted into the griever’s mind.
And therein lies the danger of sharing your emotions with family members.
While some siblings or other family survivors are good, sympathetic listeners, others may try to guide, put down or dismiss another survivor’s emotions. This only causes a griever to clam up, shut down, and then never revisit the grief. Or, they might claim others’ expressed emotions as their own.
All these things must be guarded against, which is why joining a grief group, or connecting with someone trained in the process can be so helpful and effective. You feel freer to really bare and share your heart and all those emotions. You won’t need to worry about being judged, criticized or belittled for your feelings or voiced expressions.
When to begin the relationship review in the grieving process?
It is never too late to do a relationship review. If you feel stuck in grief or that you have unfinished relationship or circumstance emotions you never addressed, the review is helpful.
And there is no perfect time to begin the relationship review, although the sooner you start after the acute pain wears off is a good time. Sometimes it’s when you just feel and know it’s right to venture into the waters.
But watch out for negative grief influences!
What might hamper a relationship review?
Our Western world tends to look down on “sad” emotions. We negate emotional pain and suffering and tuck it into the “weak” category.
You may have been influenced by this pervasive thought and feel self-conscious or fearful of baring those different, more, and better thoughts and feelings.
Again, this is where a grief group or knowledgeable and sympathetic guide can be helpful.
Other things that might hamper a relationship review are myths, like saying everybody dies eventually. Or just pull yourself by your bootstraps and move on. Don’t feel bad, as though feeling bad is evil. Or believing if you just stay busy enough it won’t hurt as much, or it will go away.
None of those beliefs or tactics work. In fact, they can be detrimental to healing.
How to embark on a relationship review—
The first thing to remember is that all grief is experienced at 100 percent. Everyone experiences a loss at her own level of intensity. And that level is usually based on the uniqueness of the relationship.
While I am still suffering the loss of a dear friend and confidante, my friend’s husband and children are suffering in infinitely different and deeper ways. I must be very careful not to compare my suffering with theirs, or presume to know how each of them is feeling.
Like the physical effects they might be experiencing.
The physical effects of grief—
Grief fills up your entire being. No part of your body, soul, mind or spirit is left untouched. That’s why you can feel physically ill and in real pain. Just look what WebMD had to say about the physical effects of grief in a July 2019 article.
“A range of studies reveal the powerful effects grief can have on the body. Grief increases inflammation, which can worsen health problems you already have and cause new ones. It batters the immune system, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection. The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes “broken heart syndrome,” a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.”
Several weeks after my father died, my family went on a ski trip. I thought I was “managing” my grief, until the night I suddenly and unexpectedly had a rapid heart rate and started hyperventilating and had to lie down on the floor. For a moment I thought I might be experiencing a heart attack, until my mind landed on what was really going on.
A panic attack.
My body was reacting to my grief, throwing out symptoms of my pain. My heart muscle and lungs were suffering right along with my mind. After several minutes of controlled breathing and relaxation techniques, my heart calmed down and my breathing normalized.
A warning sign that things still were not well. I needed to continue the healing process.
The dangers of trying to intellectualize death and grief—
Ever have the question “Why?” run through your mind after a loved one dies?
What seems like an intellectual reaction is actually more an emotional lamentation.
Before you try to answer that question of why with a scientific explanation, it’s better to examine the real question. And sometimes, even after all the scientific evaluation is done and satisfied, the answer to that question is: “I don’t know why.”
So be careful of trying to shift your or a griever’s responses away from emotions and toward intellectual reasoning.
You want to maintain safety of expression so you, or the griever, can tell the emotional truth. You’re angry. You’re feeling upended and lost. Your heart feels splintered, or aches to the point of bursting. You’re upset about something the person said to you before they died. Or didn’t say. The way the whole thing happened.
When do feelings of loss end?
Don’t expect your grief feelings to end right after the funeral or memorial service. Feelings continue. Sometimes for a long time.
It’s never too late to review and address the emotions that pop into your mind and heart.
As Amy Davis, a recovered griever who was quoted in the WebMD article noted about grief:
“Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down….you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”
Right on, Amy!
Invitation—
Who in your life would make an ideal grief listener? Someone you could share your innermost feelings with and not be made to feel weak or bad after voicing those emotions.
Is there a grief group in your area or online that you could access, to honestly share your pain?
How do you think you could benefit from it?
NEXT WEEK we’ll take a step further in undertaking a relationship review by looking at the initial questions to ask yourself and examining the emotional energy checklist.
Until then, don’t hide from your grief or try to wish it away, or cover it up with busyness. As Amy Davis said, “Lean into it.” If you take the right steps and make productive choices, you can and will thrive again!
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
When you’ve been dropkicked into grief, you’re usually stunned by the intense pain—the fear, the deep heartache, the feeling that all your insides have been ripped out and you’re bleeding internally. And one of the first questions going through your mind is:
How am I going to survive this?
Because acute grief leads you to believe that what you’re experiencing isn’t survivable.
I think what we’re really asking ourselves, though, is: How, exactly, does one grieve? What does the grief process look like? How do I know if I’m doing this right? How do I do it right?
Will I ever recover?
While there’s still a debate on whether or not someone truly recovers from grief (based on the pure definition of “recovery”), there are steps we can take to complete our intense grieving, and heal so we can return to a normal, fulfilling life after a loss.
It is the process or path to grief completion that can help us get there.
What is grief completion?
When we complete something, we bring it to a close or conclusion. A wrap-up. If we understand that grief is an emotion—often intense, overwhelming and paralyzing—we can better understand that grief is a valley we can and should walk through with a goal to arrive on the other side, into a brighter day.
According to the Grief Recovery Institute, their definition of [grief] completion is:
“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”
Examine that definition closely and pull it apart to understand each intricate part.
Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotions that have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.
Grief completion is the process you go through. It’s where you dig deeply into your heart and memory banks to find and expose those emotions that naturally accompany any relationship. The emotions you buried or were lying dormant.
The emotions that brought you joy.
The emotions that brought you pain.
The emotions you felt guilty for having.
The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.
Death, divorce, friendship loss, job loss, pet loss, moving, and other “loss” all bring with them emotional upheavals that often don’t get addressed adequately. Emotions over things that did happen. Emotions over things that didn’t.
Those deeply buried, undelivered emotions are the components of grief that can leave us stuck in our healing process.
Can you “recover” from grief?
When we’re grieving, we wonder if we’ll ever be able to enjoy life again. We wonder if things will ever get any better.
As I asked above: Will we recover?
The answer, I believe, is yes—and no.
If you will allow me to use a physical injury as my first example, I’ll explain.
When an athlete was injured, my first responsibility was to determine the exact injury and its degree, or seriousness. Knowing the degree determined how I approached treatment and prescribed steps to adequate healing. Depending upon the tissue injured—skin, bone, soft tissue, nerve, etc.—a mild injury usually healed well and completely within two to six weeks, maybe sooner. IF the athlete followed treatment and recovery protocol.
For more serious injuries, more time and more complex treatment would be ordered, and the athlete’s condition and adherence to treatment played a big role in how that recovery went. Some athletes required surgery, which made full recovery even more complex. And sometimes impossible.
Yes, impossible.
When I fractured my leg during a championship meet, it was a complex fracture requiring careful treatment. Unfortunately, the doctors caring for me didn’t do the best job devising an adequate treatment plan. Surgery was offered, which I accepted. And then the doctor said he didn’t want to do surgery, and cited numerous reasons why. One doctor said he’d never seen a fracture like that before and didn’t know what to do. So they casted me for six weeks and then set up a treatment regimen.
I followed their treatment protocol, which wasn’t too specific, outside wearing my cast and staying on my crutches. And then some basic rehab, which involved whirlpool range of motion exercises. But that, it turns out, wasn’t adequate treatment for my type of fracture—one that was eventually written up in a journal for its oddity and difficulty treating.
Fast forward 43 years and 7 re-fractures later, and I’m still having difficulty with my right leg. The bone never healed straight enough, and I now have a leg length difference between my right and left leg due to the angle my leg takes when I walk.
If I go strictly by the definition of “recovery”—“to return to a normal state of health, mind or strength,” I would have to say I have not fully recovered from that injury. Not counting the age factor, I can’t do the things I used to do. I couldn’t do them right after the injury. And I could never return to doing them because of it.
Life is different.
The initial pain was so gut wrenching I would have been happy to be put out of my misery. Put down like some damaged racehorse. But eventually things got better, and the pain wasn’t as acute. And I am able to do a lot of physical activity, for which I’m grateful.
But all these years later, my brain is sometimes teased by regrets, and what used to be. And maybe what could have been. Especially when I have to think twice or three times about whether or not I should attempt a certain ski run, or hang up my downhill skis and turn exclusively to cross-country skiing now. And those thoughts sometimes trigger strong emotions, regrets and grief. It’s funny what can trigger grief’s return.
But now it’s not as gut-level painful. Instead, memories trigger a dull regret or sadness.
And it’s much the same when I think about our daughter, Victoria, and her death.
I thought the initial grief pain would kill me. Sometimes I hoped it would. But as I traversed the grieving process, the visceral pain and heartache became less intense. Twenty-seven years later the sadness still lingers, but I’m no longer living in it moment-by-moment.
Did life return to a state of normal for me? No. Life is different. Much different than it would be if our precious girl had survived.
But I’ve completed my grieving. I’m no longer suffering that deep anguish and fear. I’ve returned to a full life of joy and purpose.
And that’s the point and goal of grief completion.
What to do with those unfinished or undelivered emotions?
These unfinished emotions are often what cause us the most anguish. The thoughts of “what if.” The words left unspoken; the planned events cancelled. The holidays where someone is missing. The interactions that will never take place.
As much as we hope or intend to, it’s nearly impossible for our relationships or circumstances to end without those relationships containing some unfinished or undelivered emotions. Because our thoughts, opinions, and feelings about people and things change so often, our relationships are prone to constant minor and major shifts.
And because we can’t erase our emotional memories, we relive emotions—happy, warm or regretful—about an event or person throughout our lives. Indeed, grief can be re-triggered by dates, anniversaries, general event and location memories. Special music.
But there is a way to uncover those emotions, bring them into the light and understand them better. Confront them and take active action steps toward healing.
And one of the first things you can do is a relationship review.
What is a relationship review?
A relationship review often happens automatically after a loss. Have you ever sat around at a memorial luncheon, reminiscing about the person you’re honoring? Telling funny stories. Sharing memories.
That’s a basic relationship review. You’re sharing thoughts about the person’s relationship and interactions with you, and others are sharing their relationship to them. It helps keep the person’s memory alive and helps you advance into the grief completion process.
But you can, and should, go deeper with this process.
And that’s what we’ll delve into next week. How a relationship review can help us uncover the things we wished had been different. The things we wished had been better, the things we wished we could have enjoyed more of.
Discovering those wishes and thoughts can help us complete was is emotionally unfinished.
It’s all about small and correct action choices a grieving person takes to heal. Without them, we risk stunting our grieving and growth.
So let’s not think of grief recovery as getting to a time where we don’t remember our loved ones and never feel remorse over their death or estrangement from us, over no longer sharing life with them.
While the acute mourning eventually subsides, the memories and occasional melancholy linger.
And that’s okay.
Sigmund Freud had something to say about how the death of a loved one affects us.
“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually that is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.” Letter from Sigmund Freud to Ludwig Binswanger, April 11, 1929
Invitation—
If you’re in the midst of grief, or if you feel as though you haven’t fully completed a grieving process, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions about the emotions you’re experiencing from your loss and maybe jot them down. We’ll use them in future sessions.
What emotions that came along with the loss brought/bring you joy?
What emotions brought/bring you pain?
What emotions did/do you feel guilty for having?
What emotions did you want to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t?
NEXT WEEK we’ll explore more of what a relationship review entails and the questions to ask yourself in prompting a review to uncover all that emotional energy behind grieving.
Until then, be safe, be kind to yourself and others, and don’t be afraid to lean into your grieving.
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people recover from grief, loss and trauma, and to thrive — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
