Category: Grief

13 Drug-free Ways to Conquer Depression Using The Mind-Body Experience: Part I

If you suffer from or know anyone who suffers from depression, you know how debilitating it can be. Suicidal tendencies, sleep disturbances, nutrition problems, weight changes, and substance abuse are only some of its side effects. The financial toll it takes on society is huge. The toll it takes on people physically and and spiritually is immeasurable.

And an astounding statistics about depression? A Medscape report noted that between 15 and 20 percent of people are affected by this mental illness.

 

But depression is complicated. It’s often difficult to get a handle on its root causes. You might have genetic vulnerability, a significant life stressor, be taking a depression-triggering medication, experienced a serious and debilitating illness, or an injury. Depression can be a surgery side effect. And it can occur as a side effect of painkiller or drug dependence, or be caused by the use of these substances.

Do you know that it can cause long-term damage to both the brain and body?

 

What is the brain connection to depression?

Numerous conditions can affect your brain and its mood-regulating process. Grief after the loss of a loved one or a major life-changing event—moving, changing jobs, having a child—can start the depression ball rolling. If not addressed quickly, it can roll out of control.

 An August 2019 Bridges to Recovery article covered how major depression affects the brain and body. The article covers the memory decline and sleep-disturbance link between the hormone cortisol (which is released when you’re under stress); the disturbing findings that long-term depression sufferers have 30 percent more brain inflammation than their mentally healthy peers; and the link between hypoxia, or reduced oxygen, and depression.

Those are staggering statistics that have tremendous health consequences.

How can we better deal with, overcome and prevent this threatening illness?

Treating depression—

The toll depression can take on your body is significant. But there are alternatives to taking anti-depressants, which can also have their own negative consequences.

Powerful, effective drug-free alternatives exist that you might want to explore, or use with your prescribed medication to enhance results.

These alternatives are listed under a treatment category referred to as mind-body medicine.

 

Depression and Mind-Body Medicine—

Mind-Body Medicine is becoming more popular and mainstream, and you may have heard the term and been wondering exactly what it is and what it could do for you or a loved one.

In a nutshell, Mind-Body Medicine is integrative medicine—medicine that takes the whole person and her lifestyle into account—it helps you control your physical and emotional responses to the world around you.

The Center for Mind Body Medicine defines it as medicine that “focuses on the interactions between mind and body and the powerful ways in which emotional. mental, social and spiritual factors can directly affect health.”

It cannot be emphasized enough that the brain is connected to the body, and vice versa. So if we want to have overall, optimal health we must strive to be whole body connected.

A question you might want to take time to ponder is:

“You might be taking care of your body but what about your mind?”

 

Maybe you’ve recently noticed that you aren’t taking care of your mind, or paying much attention to it outside of knowing what you’re thinking or worrying about at any given moment. Many of us know it’s up there, somewhere above our shoulders, but some of us don’t know what to do with it. Instead of trying to exert control over it, we’re more likely to let it control us. The results can be rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, anger, frustration, fear, and depression.

Mayo Clinic’s Dr. Amit Sood has pointed out that

 

“Impressive advances in neuroscience research have brought to our attention a startling and exciting discovery—the mind can change the brain.”

 

Thankfully, after decades of research, scientists have discovered that our amazing brains do have what they call plasticity— the ability to change throughout our lives. Our brain can be soothed and coerced into being more completely engaged. We can become more resilient, happier, more thoughtful, purposeful or intentional.

Many of the techniques I’m going to give you I learned as an undergraduate and grad student. I’ve tried them, applied them, and researched them. They can work, when you practice them properly and faithfully.

I’m going to address 13 activities. With so many, I’ll be breaking them into three posts, so let’s get started today on the first five:

Biofeedback, Guided Imagery, Meditation, Muscle Relaxation, and Music Therapy.

 At the end of each section, I’ve provided YouTube video of the activity for you to learn more, participate in or practice.

Biofeedback for Depression—

Physical therapists, athletic trainers, coaches and psychiatrists have used this technique for years. But what exactly is this technique that’s been effective in 150 medical conditions?

Biofeedback is used to help your mind control your body.

But just what in your body are you trying to control?

You’re trying to control involuntary (reflexive) responses. Bodily functions you don’t typically have control over, like blood pressure, muscle tension and heart rate. And a lot of tension can translate into a lot of muscle and joint pain.

 

How does biofeedback work?

Electrical sensors are placed on different body parts/areas. These sensors then give you audio or visual feedback on your heart rate or how much muscular tension you have in that particular body part.

Then you’re taught how to focus on and “feel” the tension, cause the tension to occur (through voluntary contractions), and then release the tension by deliberately allowing, or causing, the muscle to relax. Patients can lower their breath rate, heart rate and blood pressure using this technique.

You also learn to recognize exactly where you “hold” tension in your body.

When you become more sensitive to your triggers and body tension areas, you are more able to control and overcome the tension when you encounter stressful or stress-triggering situations.

If you’re interested in giving this a try, find a trained biofeedback therapist in your area. You shouldn’t go at this alone, unless you want to snag a book at your local library and try it without the feedback machine bells and whistles. You won’t do any harm trying it this way.

 

Guided Imagery for Depression—

What makes you relax and smile? Where’s your happy place? A walk in the park? A stroll along the beach? A forest hike?

Guided imagery involves thinking of a personally pleasing scene, vision, or pleasant memory. Then imagine yourself plunked down in the middle of it, with all 5 senses engaged to “experience” this intentional daydream. This relaxation technique is called guided imagery, or visualization.

Try laughing or smiling during your visualization exercise and notice the relaxed, happy (or happier), and contented feeling you’re experiencing. That’s those happy hormones (endorphins) being released into your body, just like they’re released during exercise or crying. Mayo Clinic calls it “an important tool in treating a variety of health problems.” (If you want to give the smiling or laughing affect a try, go ahead and smile or laugh right now, as you’re reading this, and see what kind of feelings that result.)

This is what else Mayo Clinic has to say about it:

 

“Researchers using positron emission tomography (PET) scanning have found that the same parts of the brain are activated when people are imaging something as when they’re actually experiencing it…Vivid imagery sends messages from the cerebral cortex to the lower brain, including the emotional control center of the brain. From there the message is relayed to the endocrine and the autonomic nervous systems, which affect a wide range of bodily functions, including heart, expiration rates, and blood pressure.”

 

The endocrine system is a collection of hormone-producing glands. Some of the body systems these hormones control are metabolism, growth and development, tissue function, sleep, mood, sexual function, and reproduction.

The autonomic system is the part of our nervous system that regulates the control of our internal organs and some muscle function.

 

 How’s Is Guided Imagery Done?

First: Relax.

It’s important that you have no distractions, so leave your cell phone in another room and put an “I’m Visualizing Right Now” sign on your closed door!

Put on loose, comfortable clothing and sit or lie in a comfortable, quiet spot. Start with deep, slow breaths in and out through your nose.

 Second: Breathe.

Now really concentrate on your breathing. Slowly fill up your lungs and pay attention to the stress leaving your body when you exhale. Think of exhaling your stress away. Don’t allow random, distracting or negative thoughts to permeate your mind or interfere. (This will undoubtedly occur, but it will get better or easier to control with each session.) When you’re done dispelling thoughts, return to focusing on your breathing.

 Next: Visualize.

Now comes the fun part! Intentionally choose a desired image and focus on it. It could be an event, location or person. If your mind wanders, bring your focus back with a slow, deep breath. (If you have difficulty conjuring up a scene, choose a pleasing photograph or picture to look at.)

 Finally: Affirm.

Select a positive word or phrase to connect to your vision. This will serve to create a positive image that will be stored by your brain, easily recalled later, and provide your brain and emotions with positive thoughts and feelings. Some practitioners think that attaching a word to your feelings helps to engage both sides of your brain.

 

One of my favorite places to visualize is Waikiki Beach, hearing the waves crash onto the beach, envisioning the moonlight on the water, holding my husband’s hand as we stroll along the beach at night.

If you’re suffering from grief due to the loss of a loved one, it may help to envision a happy time you spent with them.

If you have a moment right now, even if you’re sitting in a chair to read this, stop reading and give guided imagery a try. It doesn’t have to take more than five minutes, and you may be surprised to feel your breathing slowing down.

 

Meditation for Depression—

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines “to meditate” as: “to spend time in quiet thought for religious purposes or relaxation.”

Other definitions include: to engage in contemplation or reflection; to engage in mental exercise (as concentration on one’s breathing or repetition of a mantra) for the purpose of reaching a heightened level of spiritual awareness; to focus one’s thoughts on, to reflect or ponder over; to plan or project in the mind.

One of mediation’s many synonyms is “to chew over” which is what its definition is in the Bible. When we’re told to meditate on God’s word, we’re being told to chew on it, like an animal chewing its cud, regurgitating it over and over; or to work on it like a lion shredding its prey so we can possess it, understand it, be changed by it.

Recent research indicates that the most beneficial part of meditating can be the breathing techniques associated with it. It’s also one of th easiest and most portable activities that can be done just about anywhere.

So whether you’re meditating to clear your mind, or meditating to really concentrate on something, you’ll find benefits.

 

How To Start

Like Guided Imagery, meditation begins with a quiet place, controlled breathing, and dispelling distracting thoughts. Then choose a word or verse on which to concentrate.

When I’m sitting on the floor of the small sitting area off my bedroom, in front of a lighted candle that emits a subtle scent of hyacinth, my favorite thing to concentrate on is a person.

When I repeat the name, “Jesus,” and think of all of His beautiful attributes, my heart, body and mind are filled with joy, peace and love. (A mind-and-body-transforming, heavenly love.) I’m brought to a state of physical relaxation, mental calmness, alertness, (yes, you can simultaneously be calm, relaxed and alert!), and psychological balance. These are all benefits of meditation. (Concentrating on and repeating a word or verse from Scripture also gives me the same effect.)

So, when people tell you that in meditation you need to first “empty your mind,” that’s not necessarily true. You need to first lay aside distractions and banish those from sneaking in your mind’s door, then intentionally choose what you will allow to enter in to that delicate, impressionable space.

While your goal is to empty your mind of the stress and concerns, you don’t want to just empty your mind and allow any old thought to come in. You want to think deliberately, try to gain control over your thoughts.

But don’t judge yourself harshly when negative or distracting thoughts rush in, as they so often do. Just acknowledge them and then discard them. Don’t dwell on them. You can transform yourself by renewing your mind.

 

Meditation benefits—

Meditation has received rave reviews by researchers because it’s been shown to reduce anxiety, reduce blood pressure, improve attention, improve sleep, decrease chronic pain, improve blood sugar level control, and decrease job burnout. It can even help you achieve sleep at bedtime. At the very least, it helps you manage a hectic, stressful life!

 

If you desire a meditation training aid, like directions or music-to-meditate-by, go to www.mayoclinic.com and search for “mediation.” Or simply Google, Mayo Clinic Meditation, which will lead you to videos, tablet and smart phone apps.

 

 

Progressive Relaxation Therapy for Depression—

I love this one! It’s easy, quick and helps reduce depression, anxiety, muscle tension, stress, panic disorder, and high blood pressure and improves concentration.

 

 Getting Started

First, remove your glasses or contacts and loosen any tight clothing and choose a chair or floor in a quiet place. Remove your shoes.

Starting with your feet, deliberately tense your feet muscles and hold the tension for 5 seconds. Then slowly relax the muscles and keep them relaxed for 30 seconds. Feel the tension leave the muscles as you relax.

Repeat this tense-and-hold one more time with your feet and then move up to the legs (calf area). Repeat the 5 seconds of tensing and follow with the 30 seconds of relaxation two times, as you did with your feet. Then move up to the thighs, pelvis, abdomen, chest, hands, forearms, arms, neck, face and head, following the same 5-second tense and 30-second relaxation structure.

At first, don’t be surprised if you have some difficulty isolating the specific muscle groups. But keep trying! You’ll find success soon enough and reap the benefits.

Aim for a 10-minute session. Muscle Relaxation can be done anywhere. It helps reduce stress and relax the mind in seconds! It’s also often used in conjunction with Biofeedback.

 

 

MUSIC THERAPY for Depression—

 Do you like to listen to music? It turns out that music has one of the most powerful effects on the mind for memory and people and event association.

But how can it be used for therapy?

Music therapy was first recognized as a bonafide treatment back in 1945 when musicians treated injured United States military personnel. It’s now used in a variety of ways to improve mental and physical health. Patients may listen to a particular piece of music and then discuss how it affects them. It can also be used to achieve a state of relaxation.

Studies have shown that music therapy improves students’ sleep quality and reduces pre-exam anxiety.

 Your choice of music can relax your overactive mind and help you concentrate on the subject at hand, or energize you. You can select the genre and tempo based on your mood or activity, or the mood you wish to achieve.

 

Music therapy can revive your spirit, get you up and moving, and, for some people, actually reduce pain and suffering. Ever undergo an MRI? The music you can select to have piped in through head phones they place over your ears to drown out the horrid noise can settle your nerves and queasy stomach and make it seem as though the exam is shorter than it really is.

So don’t forget about music as an important part of your healing process. It can be combined with other treatments, like visualization, to optimize and enhance results.

It can improve mood, reduce heart rate, blood pressure, and anxiety. And some anti-depressant medications actually work better with music therapy!

 

 

Wrap-up—

I think you’ll be pleased with the positive effects you’ll receive from these mind-body exercises, and they’ll become an integral part of your stress and depression-fighting medicine toolbox. If you have any questions about them or difficulty performing them, please don’t hesitate to respond in the reply box or send me an email at: andreaarthurowan@gmail.com.

Or let us know how these techniques have benefitted you!

_____________________________________

 NEXT TIME: Fighting depression with Pilates, Relaxed Breathing, Tai Chi, and Yoga.

____________________________________

 

Until then,

don’t give in or give up, and fight the good fight against this debilitating illness!

Andrea

 
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and an award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

(Some information and quotes for this post were taken from Mayo Clinic Guide to Alternative Medicine, published by Time Home Entertainment.)

Post-Holiday Grief Symptoms and Care

Did you and your grief make it successfully through the holidays?

I hope so. But don’t let your guard down just yet.

Post-holiday stress and grief accumulation can show up—right about now.

 

It was exactly ten years ago this week that my husband, Chris, and two boys were enjoying a week of skiing in the White Mountains of Arizona. The trip had been planned for months. We were excited.

That was until my father rapidly deteriorated the end of November and beginning of December and then died the evening of Friday, December 11.

The grief I experienced from his loss was deep; the pain was accentuated by the falling out (an understatement) my mother had due to the circumstances surrounding his abrupt death.

 

My bright older son had uncharacteristically tanked his sophomore semester in college after a bout with depression. He completed his final, final exam—physics—forty-five minutes before his grandfather’s funeral. His dad picked him up on a campus street corner, and he changed into “funeral” attire in the car on the way to the mortuary.

We desperately needed this ski vacation R and R, and I thought getting away would help us heal. I wasn’t prepared for what happened to me during the trip.

Several days into the trip, I felt tired but relaxed as I prepared for bed. I took my time getting ready and then lay down on the floor next to do some stretching. Chris was watching a movie on the television. Without warning, my heart galloped into race-mode. My chest tightened in fear, and then my airway cramped up. The best I could manage were jerky little breaths that definitely weren’t providing sufficient oxygen.

First I tried getting control over my breathing, but the heart pounding only intensified. My chest tightened to the point of pain. I thought I was having a heart attack, and I wondered if I should call out to Chris that he needed to call an ambulance.

 

My sports psychology kicked in.

 

I managed to roll over onto my knees and hands, and, like any trained athlete, started talking to myself. I took several deliberate hyperventilating breaths and then forced myself to take several deeper and slower ones. Seconds ticked away as my breathing became less labored, and my heart rate slowly dropped. Another minute longer and my heart beat registered normal.

And it hit me: I was having a panic attack.

But it took several more minutes of self-reflection to figure out why.

 

I had managed to pull myself together to get everything ready for the holidays and successfully get through them, but the stress of grief finally bubbled to the surface and overwhelmed my body. Not just my emotional, psychological body but my physical one. It was a perfect storm and was a perfect example of the mind-body connection.

A couple of days later, grief and melancholy struck again. As I was swooshing down a beautiful run at the top of the mountain, my gaze landed on the sweeping horizon and miles of snow-covered prairie. Instead of paying attention to what I was doing, my mind took a trip down memory lane. Happy times with my father gathered in my brain.

 

Taking your eyes off your run while skiing to gawk at the landscape isn’t recommended. Neither is losing your concentration. The inevitable happened. I splatted. Not a rough fall, but an abrupt one that knocked my conscious back to the present and my activity. I sighed. I was more tired and overwhelmed than I had imagined.

It was then that I realized I needed to be even more careful and protective of my emotions, my body, and my spirit. No matter how tough I was, or how much I thought I could handle, I wasn’t anywhere near being healed. Walking through this new type of grief would take months.

 

It wasn’t the last time I would experience a panic attack. Lying in bed one night, realizing that my father was truly gone from this earth and would not be coming back to it in my lifetime—to talk to, laugh with, get advice from, share a happy even with—sent me into another hyperventilating and heart-pounding session.

And so it is with experience that I gently suggest that you guard your heart, your body, your spirit, and your mind as you continue to walk through any new grief. Just because the holidays are over, and you’ve survived them, doesn’t mean the worst has passed.

Take extra good care of yourself, and don’t apologize to friends or family for what you may need to do—or not do—to protect yourself and heal.

Until next time,

May your 2020 be full of blessings you hadn’t expected as you continue to heal.

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro, and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part IV

I had to make a difficult phone call yesterday.

Last night, after a day of work and an evening church meeting, I called my aunt.

Normally I would look forward to calling her because I love chatting with her. We’re like-minded, she’s sharp, she has some great life stories to tell, and she’s got a great sense of humor. We’ve gotten really close over the past ten years, especially since the untimely death of her only daughter, Jan, who fought valiantly and then succumbed to ovarian cancer ten years ago.

But yesterday’s call was difficult because it was the 40th anniversary of the death of her son Jeff, my beloved cousin and Jan’s older brother, who was killed in a tragic car accident on the icy roads in Northern California—on his way south to their home near Anaheim, California, for Christmas.

It was a devastating day. And I called her to let her know I was thinking about her.

A mother never forgets those days. Decades don’t remove the pain and regret.

 

She knew what I meant when I told her I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. And she thanked me and told me she appreciated it.

Then we had a really nice chat. As we talked, her spirits seemed to perk up. We caught up, laughed and loved through the satellite connection.

It was a sweet time. But the reason behind our special connection on yesterday’s date, December 16, was heartbreaking.

 

Is someone in your circle suffering loss or grief?

Does someone you know need an “I’m thinking about you today,” call? Who do you know that’s been suffering a loss of a loved one, a divorce, an estrangement from a spouse, parent or child? Who around you needs to know that someone is thinking about them during this time of extreme joy and extreme loneliness?

Reach out and connect, some way, with them today. Even a simple call can do wonders for a grieving person’s spirit. On Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day. Make sure the grieving in your circle of friends or acquaintances are watched over and loved during the holidays.

 

NEXT WEEK: Helping you deal with your own grief during the holidays.

Until then, reach out and connect.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part II

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first list of suggestions, see last week’s post: “Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief Part I”.

 

Don’t be afraid to name names—

Although it’s tempting to tiptoe around using a deceased person’s name, it’s best that you not fear using the deceased person’s name, even if it triggers tears in the grieving person. If you knew the deceased, let the grieving person know how much you’ll miss their loved one or friend. Just offering a comment, like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” can sound impersonal. If you’re sorry, say it, but also identify the person by name. Validate that the person hasn’t disappeared from the grieving person’s conscientious, even though they are out of their daily life.

For years—more than sixty, to be more specific—my mother referred to my older sister, her first baby, who died in utero due to umbilical cord strangulation, as “that baby.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—identify her by name. As though it hurt less to name her or think of her as a real human being.

I always refer to my older sister—who I have never met—as “Cheryl,” which is what they named her. Cheryl Ray Arthur.

I always say my deceased baby’s name when referring to her—Victoria. Of course, I held her in my arms and loved her for a brief day. Something my mother wasn’t given the option to do. My dad made the decision to not allow my mom to see her. I know he was probably trying to protect my mom, but I’m sure it didn’t help in the grieving process—to not be able to hold the baby you’d carried and felt for nearly nine months. Doctors and nurses are now wiser about such things.

 

Go beyond the general question—

Think of asking something deeper than “How are you?”

I know. It’s the easiest, most common question to ask a grieving person. But the answer is usually pretty obvious. They’re not doing well. From a really close friend, it might sound sincere. But more often it sounds more like an everyday, pat question.

Instead, try digging deeper into their feelings, with a question like: “How are you feeling today?” Or “Is today a good day or a rough day?” And then let them open up. Or not.

 

Be sure to offer the grieving person hope—

This is great advice, as long as you don’t venture into making pat comments like “It was God’s will,” or “It must have been for the best.” If the grieving person offers these comments first—as many will do after watching a loved one deteriorate and suffer with cancer—then you may feel freer to agree with them. You might even feel free to rejoice with them that their loved one is no longer suffering.

But the best advice is to let them take the lead. And assure them that as bad as it feels right now, as black as the valley feels, they will get through it. At the same time, assure them that it’s okay to grieve, and that everyone grieves at their own pace. Encourage them to not allow others to push them along, or pay heed to those that tell them to be tough, to pull them up by their bootstraps and get on with life.

Assure them that others will be by their side as much or as little as they want as they walk the path of grief. Encouraging them to join a grief group, or take them to one, can also be helpful and feel supportive. Being with others who are suffering through the loss of a loved one can be encouraging. It goes a long way to not feel so alone.

When you first experience the pain of loss, you’re tempted to feel as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the pain you’re going through. Hearing others talk about their pain can help soothe your throbbing heart.

 

We’ll leave it there for today, but next week we’ll have more tips on helping others manage their grief as they slog through the holidays.

Until then, hold your loved ones closely and rejoice over the time you have with them, not matter how limited that time may be.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief: Part I

Before I get started today, I want to apologize for missing the last two Meditation Monday installments. The engineer and I enjoyed a lovely respite in the mountains of Southern California, where we hiked some trails—including a tiny part of the Pacific Crest Trail—and generally reveled in the crisp fall weather and falling leaves.

Then, promptly upon my arrival home, I succumbed to either a food-borne illness or stomach virus. Whatever it was, it was nasty! And I am SO glad to be back in the land of the living!

 

But let’s get into our topic of grief, which we’ll be covering through the end of the year.

 

What kind of grief?

I was reminded of the different faces of grief when talking to a dear friend moving away from Tucson to live near her daughter in another state. She’s been a widow for five years, but she’ll be suffering a different kind of grief this Thanksgiving and Christmas. One having to do with a son that suffers from a mental illness and won’t be celebrating the holidays with his family this year.

Another friend of mine deals with the same issue—a child with a mental illness. While all things are looking good right now, you never know when the other shoe will drop. Hard.

 

Just how do you console a friend who’s dealing with this kind of raw grief? A grief of fear about the future, fear of dying dreams, fear of having lost control, or realizing one never really possesses that?

The stages of grief for someone suffering this way aren’t too different from the stages of grief someone goes through when losing a loved one. But they can be more intense than the emotions a loved one goes through when losing, say, a parent who has been sick for some time, or in very poor health. Like an Alzheimer’s patient who has been suffering for years and their family that has had to take the “long goodbye” journey with them.

 

How you can help a grieving person, especially during the holidays?

While you can’t remove the deep pain of grief people often experience during the holidays, there are steps you can take to help them navigate the holiday landmines.

Be present.

Don’t just let them know you’re available or a phone call away, call them and schedule a lunch date, an outing, a time to get together. Or just a phone call to let them chat and share their p ain. Your presence alone will let them know just how much they’re loved, and remembered.

Allow them to grieve.

Bury your uncomfortable feelings about being around grieving people. Be brave and don’t fear wading into the pain with them. Don’t let their neediness drive you away. Be prepared to go the distance with the, to walk with them through their agony.

Listen!

Let them rant. Let them reminisce. Let them agonize over their loss, fear and loneliness. Mirror back to them what they’re saying without trying to give them advice or fix it. Be patient when what they say doesn’t make sense or they can’t concentrate or make decisions.

Get involved in the memories.

If a friend or loved one is joining you for the holidays, ask the grieving person how you might help them reminisce or mark the loss?

Stay flexible.

Don’t pressure a grieving person to get involved, or tell them what they need. Encourage them to join you for the festivities or meals, but don’t push. Respect their need to grieve privately, and let them know they are always welcome, even if they don’t—or can’t—make a decision until the last minute.

If the person doesn’t join you, make sure you call that day, or the next, to check in with them.

Help.

Most grieving people won’t ask for help. Often, they feel overwhelmed and don’t know what they need.

Offer to help around the house—cleaning, laundry, errand running. Maybe a grieving friend might enjoy company while grocery shopping. Maybe they don’t even have enough energy to go shopping and would love to have some meals—or groceries delivered.

Years ago, an overwhelmed friend of ours had to move herself and her three young daughters into a tiny two-bedroom apartment after having to leave her abusive, alcoholic husband. We knew she was barely making ends meet.

I also knew that if I called her to ask open-ended questions about any help she might need, she would be too uncomfortable asking for anything. So, I got in the habit of calling her prior to one of my grocery shopping runs to ask her for a list of items she needed. I didn’t ask if she needed anything; I asked her what she needed.

She gave me a list, and I shopped for two and dropped off her items on the way home. She was beyond grateful. And I was only too happy to pay back in some way for the loving gestures of people who kept my family well-fed while I was bedridden during my last pregnancy.

Adopt a family for the holidays.

The engineer and I also adopted a family of a single mother and several children who wanted so much to visit her parents in another city for Christmas. We provided a basket full of snack food for their drive, and a bunch of cash stuffed inside the food basket for gas money and some treats. We left them with their basket before they opened it. A tearful phone call from the mom the next day, after they’d opened the gift, told us everything we needed to know about our gift. It was better than anything I received myself that Christmas.

 

 

Next week, I’ll offer more ideas for helping others manage grief during the holidays.

Until then, think of those in your circle that might be suffering grief over the holidays—loss of a loved one, grieving a family member’s addiction or mental illness, recent cancer or serious health diagnosis. Figure out how you can reach out to them, and then take the step.

Blessings,

and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.