Toxic Positivity and Grief

Have you ever revealed your deepest grief pain to someone only to have her give you an immediate comeback of super-positive or upbeat thinking they believe you should focus on? Something to get you over your slump?

What they may be guilty of is toxic positivity.

While there is no question that being positive and grateful is good for the brain and good for you physically and emotionally, it sometimes does more harm than good when you’re mired deeply in grief, and you’re nursing a raw heart.

 

Thinking back—

Do you remember a time when someone responded in a nauseatingly positive way when all you wanted to do was share your heart’s pain and have a listening heart hear it?

How did it make you feel?

I remember a lot of overly upbeat sentiments after my daughter’s death. And I remember the effect they had.

  • Shame.
  • Embarrassment.
  • A sense of lacking, or being inadequate.
  • Betrayed.
  • Devastated.
  • Misunderstood.
  • Anger.

The emotions list could go on and on.

Instead of encouraging me, most of the responses made me retreat into myself and believe that people couldn’t relate to my pain, didn’t want to relate to it, and were eager to have me get back to life and living.

My pain made them uncomfortable.

So I really shouldn’t share it.

 

Biggest culprits—

Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, Christians are often the biggest culprits of toxic positivity. They’re too quick to recite Bible passages meant to encourage the griever. To put their grief in God’s perspective. (As if the griever were ignorant about all those passages.)

While their hearts might be in the right place, often their mouths aren’t. They aren’t listening with their hearts.

And now the hard question: Are you guilty of doing that to someone?

Yes, there are many, many Bible passages exhorting us to lift one another up, but there is also that big one that tells us that we need to “weep with those who are weeping.”

In order to weep with someone, we need to listen deeply, and weep. And hold. And then, when the griever’s heart is receptive, encourage with more upbeat passages and thinking.

We need to be available to walk alongside them in their grief and trauma, not rush ahead, drag them forward, or get behind them and push.

 

But I don’t want us to get way ahead of ourselves here. I want to take time to explore this, so we can really learn and heighten our sensitivities and hone our responses to broken, hurting hearts.

 

What’s ahead—

I’m going to take the entire month of February to cover this new, hot topic, which you may have heard about. This month we’ll:

  • Define toxic positivity.
  • Give you examples of it.
  • Give you ways to deal with and respond to it (if the damaged griever).
  • Help you develop good handholding and empathy skills.
  • Discuss the benefits of helpful positivity and how to incorporate that into your life—at the right time.

Toxic positivity definition—

But for today, let’s just start with the current definition of toxic positivity.

While there is no psychological category for it, nor is there a formal diagnosis, the group at What’s Your Grief? provide this definition:

 

“Toxic positivity is promoting the ideal or goal that, no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy or optimistic mindset.”

 

In other words, “Happy, happy, happy!’ at all times, and in all things.

Is there anything wrong with this?

Well, no, and yes.

And that’s what we’re going to be exploring this month. In small, helpful, bite-size increments. Helpful for the griever, and the one the griever seeks support and empathy from.

Hope you can join me!

 

Invitation—

For this week, meditate on the toxic positivity definition. See where your thoughts take you on this. Maybe jot down some times you’ve experienced toxic positivity from a well—meaning friend, or when you think you’ve been guilty of it.

 

On a side note: After a bout with COVID right at the beginning of the New Year, it’s good to be teaching and mentoring again!

And for those of you who are caregivers, check out Guideposts’ bi-monthly devotional Strength and Grace for daily, uplifting devotions to help caregivers as they minister to and care for aging parents, patients, and family members struggling with mental illness, like dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s a joy to be a member of the writing team contributing to this magazine. For more information, go to Guideposts.org.

Blessings,

Andrea

“I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Advent: Past, Present and Future

ADVENT. Defined as the arrival of a notable person, thing or event. Recognized by Christians as the first season of the Christian year. In other words, when it all began. The exact dates are the four preceding Sundays leading up to Christmas Day.

But it doesn’t end there. For the faithful the term also means the coming or second coming of Christ.

A lot of us have been looking for that lately. That second coming. A lot of Christians thought COVID-19 was the crack in the second coming curtain. The opening prologue. Some still think it is.

Having Jesus return now and being caught up in the clouds with Him and swept off to glory without having to suffer and die certainly seems a more appealing option than contracting and having to suffer through a near-deadly case of the disease, or having a family member or friend die of it. Of having to stay cloistered at home, out of touching range with family and friends, classmates, co-workers, birthday parties, funerals, graduations, church worship and Bible study gatherings.

Actually, it’s a more appealing option than life in a normal year.

 

A yearly reminder, and look to the future—

Regardless of whether or not this is THE year, (Hint: no one knows the time or the hour), Christians are always called to be ready, looking, working, preparing. As one of my favorite mugs says, “Perhaps Today.”

And it’s always a good thing to celebrate that first coming, the one that stood the world on its head over 2000 years ago. The celebration that reminds us of the Who, what and why of Christmas.

And then look to the future and celebrate Christ’s future return. Plan for the party. Keep busy preparing for it, inviting guests, getting them ready for the feast, rejoicing over our future hope.

Because either soon or soonish, or not as soon as we’d like, Jesus is coming back. He promised He would, and He told us to be watching for Him.

 

A personal advent—

This year I can certainly relate to that watching and waiting for a baby to arrive on the world’s stage.

On Mother’s Day, my older son stuck an ultrasound picture up in front of his computer camera during our Mother’s Day ZOOM meeting. My younger son and I immediately knew what it was. (The engineer, working without his close-range glasses, was a little slow to catch on.)

To say it was one of the best Mother’s Day presents EVER is an understatement. The other two were the ones immediately following my older and younger son’s births. Yet, now, there are no adequate words to describe the joy, and the heady anticipation of progeny.

 

We’ve waited and watched and looked for since that glorious May day, talking about due dates, shower gifts, baby paraphernalia needs, having another ZOOM meeting for the “It’s a Girl!” gender reveal, nail chewing during some blood pressure spikes, and the two and a half days it took for her to arrive after inducement.

We were on emotional pins and needles. And to an extent, we still are. We haven’t seen our beautiful granddaughter yet, but we will soon. With weighty expectations of holding her in our arms, singing to her, tracing nose and ears, touching and brushing silky cheeks, and feeling baby fingers looped around thumbs nearly make me swoon in ecstasy.

So, to some extent, we’re still waiting and watching, preparing. Expecting. With eyes and hearts wide open.

I shouldn’t be any different with my Lord’s return. Advent then. Advent future. Looking back and looking forward. Always watching, being prepared. Expectant. Cognizant of the signs of the times.

It’s easy to get jaded and do the same-old, same-old at Christmas. But I doubt anything will look the same to any of us this year.

And that’s probably a good thing.

Maybe a new, reinvigorated appreciation for the meaning of the day will emerge in our hearts and lives. We’ll be more grateful. More repentant and more forgiving. More joyful.

We’ll take a serious look at what we missed this year, and what we didn’t miss. And what we can now live without and can no longer live with.

And Who we need to bring sanity and peace to this insane and crumbling and ugly world.

 

The month of December—

It’s hard to fathom that this is likely my last post of this notorious year. It seems to have dragged on too long and also sped by. So much has happened—in the world, our nation, and in my family. But slinking toward its end, it is.

I’ll be taking December off, to enjoy that new grandbaby, my family, and life. To dig into Advent. To read the story again—the old one and the coming one. To prepare my heart, and offer thanks.

Because within both lies hope. The kind of hope only the King of Glory gives. A hope and a future.

Something everyone is craving right now.

Invitation—

I hope you have an advent study selected and are already into the celebration. But if not, and you’re looking for some weekly reads, you can access my Advent posts on my other blog “Broken Hearts, Redeemed.”

“Is There Room in Your Inn?”

“Advent: A Great Message for Today, and for the Future”

“Advent: A Season of Joy, Now and for the Future”

“The Advent and Maintenance of Peace”

“Christ is Born Means God is with Us!”

“Christmas: A Heavenly Timetable” (My nonfiction story that first appeared in a Chicken Soup for the Soul Christmas book.)

“A Season—and Life—of Hope” (Read this one right after Christmas.)

“He Might Come Tonight—Are You Ready?”

“12 Steps to Defeat Depression: Spirituality and Prayer, Part 2 (For a stronger start to the New Year.)


Until 2021, keep praying, keep preparing, and keep watching, waiting and expecting.

Perhaps today will be THE day!

And thank you, dear readers, for your support throughout this year. It hasn’t been easy or smooth sailing for anyone. And I appreciate you more than I can say.

Blessings and a Most Blessed Christmas to all of you!

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Thanksgiving History: Being Grateful for Life’s Thorns

It’s all about thanksgiving.

I’m going to guess all of you reading this post have experienced a major life event you considered to be more of a thorn in your side than a blessing you’d give thanks for. No doubt 2020 has rocked your world with COVID-19 and maybe brought accompanied economic devastation.

It hasn’t been a normal year for anyone, or an easy year for many. We’ve all been turned on our heads to some degree.

It’s been a thorn.

We don’t like thorns. They’re sharp and often draw blood. They might leave bruises or infections that take time to heal. They certainly make life harder to handle.

But there are profound life-growing lessons to be learned from painful, blood-drawing thorns, and joy can result from them. For it’s in life’s thorns that we learn more about ourselves, become humbled, and learn how to persevere.

They can also—if you’re willing—turn us toward God and make us more reliant on Him.

 

But even with these thorns, we have so much to be thankful for. So I’m going to focus this post on our upcoming American holiday, Thanksgiving. It’s a special day to focus solely on giving thanks; a day set aside to express gratefulness with and for family and friends, even if you have to celebrate and thank them via ZOOM.

While we don’t often think about celebrating or giving thanks for the thorns in our lives, they may be the first and most important things we should look to and have at the top of our “I’m thankful for…” list.

Even the Pilgrims, who are officially credited with celebrating the first Thanksgiving nearly 400 years ago, (we were supposed to have a big 400th anniversary celebration for their arrival this year), had encountered thorns prior to that celebration. Deadly ones. And the fact that any of them were still alive to tell about it may be the reason they gave thanks.

 

Pilgrim basics: my heritage—

Thanksgiving is special to me. It should be, since I’m a direct descendant of two Pilgrims who sailed from England to America in 1620. Actually, one was an true Pilgrim (Separatist) and the other was a cooper (barrel maker) who evidently wanted a change of scenery and a new life in a new land.

The group was a little band of mostly like-minded pioneers who wanted to worship God without fear, persecution or worldly influence in a way of their choosing. They bravely sneaked away to England on a tiny ship after signing a contract with an English company to plunk down a colony on our shores and start successful trading and businesses.

(On a side note, don’t confuse Pilgrims—Separatists, who wanted to completely separate from the Church of England—and the Puritans, who wanted to transform and purify the Church from the inside.)

When I think about the accounts of that first Thanksgiving—the three-day feast the Pilgrims celebrated with the Wampanoag Indians—I wonder just how many of them were thinking: “I’m so thankful.”

As the History Channel’s website, history.org, states:

 

“As was the custom in England, the Pilgrims celebrated their harvest with a festival. The 50 remaining colonists and roughly 90 Wampanoag tribesmen attended the “First Thanksgiving.”

 

One of the attending Pilgrims noted a Pilgrim attendance of 53, but let’s not quibble in numbers.

It was customary for these English people to celebrate a bounty with a feast and recreational activities, so that’s what they did. Food and sport. And they invited the Indians. (Yes, they really did.)

They were grateful to the Indians, especially for one of them who intervened early and miraculously in their lives to teach them how to add fish to the soil to improve the growing conditions for a good harvest.

They hadn’t expected the poor soil conditions in Massachusetts. It was not where thy planned to land and live. Farther down the coast in Virginia was the landing plan, but they had arrived too late in the season and had to settle for the more northern location.

They also missed planting adequately for the growing season in cold, bitter Massachusetts with its poor crop-growing soil. Their food rotted and became infested with bugs. Then disease, starvation and freezing temperatures decimated most of their tiny band of 102 immigrants in the first six months.

And this is where it gets personal.

My great, great, great, great… Pilgrim grandmother, Priscilla Mullins, arrived at Plymouth in Massachusetts with her brother and their two parents, ready and likely excited to start a new life. But within months, the teenager’s mother, father, and 14-year old brother had succumbed to disease and starvation, leaving her alone with the other survivors, which included only three other women. Her family, along with the other dead, was buried in unmarked graves.

Priscilla was suddenly an orphan in a strange, scary land.

A year later, what could she have been thankful for?

Was she at all thankful for those torturous thorns in her life?

I can only speculate, but knowing that she was a devout follower of Jesus Christ, I’m going to guess that she had a few items on her thankful list.

 

My thorns—

About twenty years ago I started deliberately thanking God for the thorns He’s allowed me to get skewered by in my life. Why? Because it’s been in and through these thorns that I’ve grown the most emotionally and spiritually.

My thorns remind me that I’m really a helpless, puny human without much control over my life, although I often entertain, placate and blind myself by thinking I have more control over it than I do. The thorns keep my humble, relying on Someone greater than myself. The One who’s always in control. And that keeps me focused on and centered in my faith.

Surely, the memory and aftermath of being punctured by my thorns still hurts. After all, thorns do make you bleed. And they can leave nasty scars. Yet they have a tendency to remind you where you’ve ben, what you’ve survived, Who really got you through them, and where you should be going.

 

A (shocking?) admission—

What I’m going to write may shock or offend some of you, while others will nod their heads in collective sympathy and understanding.

As much as I still grieve and lament over my infant daughter, Victoria’s, death; as much as I still long to have her here with us; as much as I day-dream at every stage of life what she would look like and be doing, and mentally replay the dreams I had for her, I am grateful—thankful—that I walked that dark, horrible, thorn-ridden road. Because doing so brought me into a vivid, eternal life with the Supreme giver of life. A deeper, more fruitful, fulfilling and joyful life in the here and now, and in the eternal.

I’d like to think that it really didn’t need to happen that way. But in my heart, I know it did. I would have kept going just as I was, with one foot in the world and the other on a spiritual banana peel.

I’m thankful for those thorns. They remind me to Whom I belong, to Whom Victoria belongs. And they remind me that I will one day see my daughter face-to-face. And I will rejoice that we’ll spend eternity together. They give me one more reason to look forward to heaven.

Each year I move closer to that precious reunion celebration.

And give thanks.

 

Back to my Pilgrim family—

So what was Priscilla Mullins thankful for that cold fall day?

I can only guess.

Even though she was a firm believer in God, His word, and His promises, I suspect she went through the normal stages of grief all of us encounter: shock, fear, denial, anger, depression, exhaustion. Being a Christian doesn’t make you immune to suffering the effects of losing a loved one, of experiencing profound loss.

Being a Christian does mean, however, that you experience something in addition.

It means you grieve with hope, rather than without it.

Your grief is hopeful, not hopeless.

 

Priscilla may have sat at the table, thanking God for His protection over her and the other survivors, for the memory of her parents and brother, for the hope of the future, and probably for the new man in her life—John Alden, with whom she would have 10 children and produce more descendants in the United States than any other Pilgrims.

I often think of her and wonder if her unwavering faith and prayers for her children and children’s children paved the way for the blessings I’ve received in my life. Many of my blessings may be the result of her generational faithfulness.

For that, I also give thanks.

 

As my older son once said to me while he was in college, after making some big mistakes and suffering for them, and struggling against events not in his control: “I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. I don’t regret any of the mistakes or the problems. Because they all make me the person I am today.

And that person he is today just became a first-time father last Thursday morning to a beautiful, precious baby girl. Another descendant who made me a grandma.

I have been praying for this baby—Baby Ellie—for months. My heritage, my reward.

I’m counting a plentitude of blessings this year.

And I’m sure you can count both thorns and beauty in your life this Thanksgiving!

 

Invitation—
  1. What the thorns you’ve experienced in life?
  2. Did you consider these thorns blessings in any way?
  3. How is it possible for you to be thankful for them?
  4. How did God see you through them so they might become a blessing?

Next week, we’ll look at Advent and the importance of celebrating the coming of Christ more than two thousand years ago, and His future coming.

Until then, may joy and thanks abound this Thanksgiving Day. I’m going to guess you’ll never forget your 2020 Day of Thanks!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Honest Grief

As we wrap up our series on grief recovery and completion, I want to return once more to an aspect of grieving that’s often overlooked or avoided.

Honest grief.

It’s the belief that it’s counterproductive and usually dangerous to avoid truth in grief, either with yourself, your family members, your friends or involved children.

Let’s look at this one more time.

 

Illusions and euphemisms harm rather than protect—

While avoiding the topic of grief, or any difficult topic, may look like a good idea in the short term, putting off truth-telling usually sets you up for future failure and larger problems down the road.

When you avoid, you often end up believing or spreading inaccuracies. Or allowing them to take root and spread. The way to avoid those inaccuracies is to communicate honestly about your emotional reaction to the pain of loss.

Author Alisa Childers describes grief as “harrowing.” Indeed, it is. It can feel as though you’re standing on a jagged precipice you’re either going to fall off or jump off. In her book Another Gospel? she notes:

 

“Something they don’t tell you in the movies is that upon receiving cataclysmic news, your body betrays you. My knees began to shake wildly, and my throat became dry and my voice creaking.”

 

Yes, as shock hits the body, which it did when Childers received news that her beloved 20-year-old nephew had died from a drug overdose, the bodily systems fail.

And right along with that, the emotion systems break down. It can feel as though your heart implodes. A weight that you can’t push off crushes your chest. Inflammation and the fight to survive tears through the body. And all that fighting and desperate attempt to equilibrate and normalize causes exhaustion.

Tell the truth about your feelings. Don’t hurt yourself, or others, (including children), with avoidance and lies or half-truths and euphemisms. As the Grief Recovery Institutes professionals note: “Silence or avoidance of the realities about loss creates more problems than it solves.”

Unspoken feelings can lead others to wrong conclusions about your feelings. Be honest. Be clear. Be effective at this process we call grief.

Being honest about your feelings gives you freedom to heal, and to thrive again.

 

 

When grieving progress, isn’t—

Before quiet, sterile funeral homes arrived on the scene, families usually gathered together to wash, prepare and dress the body of a deceased relative. It’s safe to assume that the mostly women and girls performing this task talked and reminisced about the deceased. They shared memories and feelings.

Then the body was laid in what used to be called the parlor, (now the living room, thanks to Better Homes Magazine), for several days so other family, friends and neighbors could come, pay their last respects, do more reminiscing and chat with the surviving grievers.

Food was shared. Time was offered and spent. Tears were shed. And stories told.

Now the process makes death more removed, more foreign, less personal.

Much of the important (and meaning-packed) ritual has been removed. Even a traditional funeral service, with the casket carried in, placed near the altar, and then carried back out to a waiting hearse, has largely been replaced with a “memorial service” to sing worship songs, chat (a little) about the deceased, and then maybe enjoy a potluck buffet in the church fellowship hall or a favorite restaurant or club.

Eighty years of life gets you an hour memorial and some sweet and sour meatballs, or a cheese ball and crackers.

The older I get the better raucous Irish wakes look to me.

This new minimalistic tradition can hamper grieving and healing. I would do all that I could to resist rushing through it, or be rushed through it because a well-meaning friend wanted to protect me.

 

And, yes, have a funeral or memorial (Do something!)—

In this uncertain and disruptive time we live in, I still believe we should do whatever we can to have a funeral or memorial service, even if that means inviting people to join via ZOOM, or some other recording technology to watch a service and burial; or join together in an online meeting to share eulogies, express grief, thankfulness or memories together.

There is a tremendous amount of healing and grief progress that comes with these rituals, these rights of passage for not only the deceased, but most especially for the remaining friends and loved ones.

Don’t deprive yourself or others of this passage. It will be difficult, but it will be worth—for you and others.

 

NEXT WEEK: a word on giving thanks in all circumstances and kicking off the holidays. They’re certainly going to be different this year.

But Thanksgiving will be BIG for our family, at least in spirit and celebration.

The engineer and I are going to welcome our first grandchild into the world this week. To say we are excited is an understatement!

Until then,

may God guide you through any grieving process you may find yourself traversing to the light on the other side of its darkness.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Grief: What keeps you from healing

A LOT OF THINGS CAN HAMPER OR CURTAIL grieving. One is the fear of and attempt to reject your feelings. Another is the use of psychopharmaceutical drugs to dampen the emotions and pain. We’ll briefly cover both on today’s post.

 

The danger of trying to reject your feelings and emotions—

Whether or not the attempted rejection comes from you, a domineering and opinionated family member or well-meaning friend, trying to reject or dampen your feelings can seriously derail your grieving.

The problem often lies with someone else trying to fix your feelings. Make them better. “Help” you get past them too soon. Or manipulate and change what feelings you are having.

Don’t do it to yourself and don’t let someone else try to do it to you. If they do try, lessen or curtail your interactions with them until you are strong enough to lay down boundaries or respect.

 

I can’t stress enough how much you need to respect yourself, your unique relationship with the deceased person, and the emotions and feelings unleashed during the grieving process.

Acknowledge those feelings, address them, understand where they’re coming from and why they’re there. They’ll come out now or later in some fashion. If you try to tamp them down, ignore or reject them, (especially the negative ones), they’re more likely to rear their ugly and disabling heads in other areas of your life—like relationships and physical and emotional health.

You want to be fully healthy—emotionally, physically and spiritually. You want to live again. Thrive!

 

The dangers of psychopharmaceutical drugs—

While using anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs might seem like a good course of action, and may be necessary for one’s sanity and being able to sleep and hold it all together in the early stages of grief, be cautious when considering or accepting a prescription for them.

First, some come with a host of side effects, one of which is suicidal thoughts. And that’s often what we’re trying to avoid with anti-depressant medication.

They can become emotionally habit-forming. While they’re not addictive in ways substances like methamphetamine, heroin or alcohol are addictive, Elizabeth Wurtzel notes in an Addiction Center online article that:

 

“People can still develop a physical dependence on the antidepressants. Individuals with depression are also more likely to abuse other drugs.”

 

Another danger with psychopharmaceutical drug intervention is the drugs can mask a person’s normal, natural responses to grief. Drug-free grieving may give the griever a better opportunity to feel his or her feelings, deal with them and complete the grieving process sooner and more completely and effectively.

So please don’t be in a hurry to ask your doctor for an anti-depressant prescription. Try the natural approach first. If you find the pain grief too debilitating, then seek counseling or pharmaceuticals.


NEXT WEEK, we’ll look at the fallacy of protecting someone from grief, misunderstandings of reactions to death, and the benefits of talking about death.

Until then,

Remember that grief is not easy, but there are concrete steps we can take to make it easier, and survive it and thrive after it!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.