Health – Page 6 – Andrea Arthur Owan

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part III

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first and second list of suggestions, see last week’s and the previous weeks’ posts.

**First, listen—**

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I really can’t stress it enough.

Set a guard over your mouth, keep watch over the door of your lips, and

LISTEN.

Most of us are really BAD listeners. Really, REALLY bad. We’re always ten steps ahead of the speaker, figuring out what clever response we’re going to offer, or what great advice we can give that’ll really help them move forward in their grief. Advice no other bright person has been able to come up with.

Maybe we’re trying to impress ourselves, or others—or both—or maybe we’re insecure and believe dead space or no response is a sin. But it’s not.

One of the best responses I ever received after the death of our baby daughter was from the head boss where I was teaching. He blinked at me a couple of times before saying, “Gee, I really don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any idea what you’re going through.”

Even though I didn’t have warm and fuzzy feelings for this guy (he was kind of a brute and bully), I so appreciated his honest response. He’d finally been stuck in a situation where he didn’t have an answer, and he was honest enough to admit it.

I voiced my appreciation. “Thank you. That’s the best thing you could have said to me right now.”

He sighed in relief.

So when you’re really interested in helping a grieving friend, acquaintance or co-worker, invite them out for lunch or coffee and let them talk, or not. Find out more about their loved one. If they’re a person of faith, ask if you can pray for them. Maybe ask them that even if you don’t know their faith background. Invite them to share some of their best memories of their loved one.

And then just clam up, and listen.

If you do think you might have some helpful advice, do not start out by telling them what they should do. You can, however, tell them what helped you in the same situation, or someone you know who survived the grieving process.

Don’t make judgment calls—

When a loved one dies, the surviving person’s life is turned upside down. If they now have to make decisions they’ve never made, or manage things they’ve never managed before, they’re likely to feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. And they’re likely not even thinking straight.

Grief has a way of screwing up your mental processes. You can’t make decisions, you can’t remember things, you feel unbalanced and out-of-touch with the rest of the world—which seems to be oblivious to your loss or pain.

Cut the grieving person a lot of slack, and don’t expect too much from them. While they might have a lot of energy to plan funerals or memorial services, that energy will likely disappear quickly and leave the person disoriented.

I’ve heard it said that while losing a child is the most painful experience any parent can go through, losing a spouse is the most disorienting. I can personally attest to the first. I have close friends and relatives who can attest to the second.

Allow—expect—the grieving person to be and act disoriented, angry, lost, anti-social, etc.

Your understanding and presence are more important than advice.

Don’t expect them to talk—

If a grieving person decides to join you for a holiday event, or go to a movie with you, or out to lunch, don’t expect them to talk. They might be too exhausted—physically or mentally—to do much communicating. And they’ll be grateful that you didn’t expect much out of them.

Or, in an attempt to cover up their pain, they might be extra chatty. Just plan to do a lot of nodding and sympathizing.

And if they turn you down, be okay with that too. Grieving people often need space to just, well—grieve. Without eyeballs hovering around. They want to lose it. Scream to the heavens. Pound their pillows and exhaust themselves.

But if you haven’t seen or heard from a grieving person for a few days, or week or more, give them a call or text to let you know you’re thinking about them and are available anytime they might want to talk or rant. Let them know you love them.

This is their grief, and they need to handle it their way.

NEXT WEEK, we’ll head into some specific things to NOT say to grieving people, especially those who have lost children and will face their first Christmas without that child. If you’re a grandparent, you’ll want to read this advice too.

Until then, be on the lookout for grieving people you can minister to and pray that God will give you the right words to say.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays—Part 1

The holiday season is fast approaching. I can’t believe we’re already into November, and the close of the year is just a squeak over seven weeks away. I’m not ready for it mentally. But at least I’m looking forward to the potential joy and peace of it. Feelings many, if not most people, don’t enjoy during the holiday season.

While many of us look forward to the holidays with joy, too many look forward to them with dread and heavy hearts. Many of us anticipate fun days full of children and grandchildren laughter and squeals of delight, silent nights and flickering candles shared with church family and friends. Roasted turkey in the middle of a table surrounded by grateful loved ones.

But what about the couple whose cancer-stricken child won’t be seated at the table with them this year, or ever again?

What about the despondent mother whose husband has just walked out the door, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to provide any kind of holiday for her two shell-shocked children?

What about the older widow who will have to spend the day alone because her children live a couple thousand miles away, and no one in her tiny sphere has thought of inviting her to join their family for festivities?

Or the aged man confined to a memory care facility, without family members or friends.

Coping with grief (and thriving) at this time of year—

It seems like a morbid subject to discuss during this otherwise festive (market and product-driven) time of year, but that’s the subject I’ll be covering for this month and most of December—

How to make it through the grief that can overwhelm us at this time of year, and help others around us slog through it too.

Aside from recent pain, holidays can open up old wounds. Melancholy and depression can be overwhelming. Just how can we help ourselves, and those around us, get through this time of year with a modicum—or more—of joy and look forward to a new year full of hope and promise?

Our goal won’t be too forget our pain—the circumstances or the people it swirls around—but to work through it. To use it to our advantage, to gain strength and hope from it.

To resist the forces that would bury our hearts alive.

Preparing our hearts for the holidays—

We’ll formally begin this process next Monday. But until then, I want to give you something that will encourage your heart.

Remember that God is for you, not against you, no matter what others insinuate or what your broken and disillusioned and shocked heart may tell you. Or what the evil one may whisper in your ear.

God stands ready, willing and able to hold you close, carry, or walk you through it.

And for those of you who look forward to the holidays with rejoicing, be on the lookout for people who need comfort and a tender, encouraging word.

And maybe a place at your celebration table.

Until then,

Prepare to dig and go deep, with yourself and others.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

8 Steps to a Good Night’s Sleep

A couple of weeks ago I promised to let you know how I’ve changed my sleep patterns and how that’s been going for me. Well, today I’m going to give you my new ritual and let you know how it’s measuring up.

The process of deciding on and planning for a good night’s sleep—

The first thing I did wanted to decide, once and for all, what time I wanted—needed—to go to bed every night and how much sleep I would aim for nightly if I were going to be a fully functioning, alert individual.

1) First, I decided on a no later than 10:00 PM in bed and lights out schedule and a 6:30 AM wakeup. I know from past experience that I function best on 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night and usually lean toward the longer number of hours.

2) Second, I set my smartphone to switch to darker yellow light at 8:00 PM. With the bedtime schedule set on it, the phone alerts me at 8:00 that I need to be in bed at 10:00, and that my preparations should start at 9:00. (I get plenty of warnings.)

3) Unless I miscalculate on preparation hours, or an emergency deadline or need arises, I shut of my computer by 8:00 PM, preferably 7:00. If I’m really motivated, I don’t get on it after 5:00.

4) Around 8:00 PM, I start dimming lights around the house or shutting most of them off completely. When I enter my bedroom at 9:00, I turn on my bedside light and leave the main, intensely bright lights, off.

All of this helps trigger my melatonin production to prepare me for sleep.

5) If I need or want to shower to relax, I shower around 9:00 and prepare for bed in a relaxed manner.

6) No later than 9:30, I’m in my little sitting room just off my bedroom, with a good book in hand, reading. I’ve stopped reading in bed, with my head cocked at an obtuse angle, putting strain on my neck muscles, back and hands.

7) A little before 10:00, the engineer and I hold hands and say our bedtime prayers. And we always ask for a good, peaceful and restful night’s sleep.

8) Then it’s off to bed. Nightstand lights out. At 10:00, my phone conveniently darkens its screen and shows little stars and a slivered moon as it blocks any incoming calls, text messages or emails from waking me up. The phone doesn’t even vibrate. It just stores everything until the next morning. It takes its place on my nightstand, ready to awaken me with lovely, soothing music that gradually gets louder until I turn it off. Once I do, the screen greets me with Good Morning!

How has my bedtime ritual benefited me?

Sleep is arguably one of the most important times of our day. Lack of it causes a host of physical problems, including weight gain and inability of the body to shed toxins or rejuvenate itself or heal properly. Lack of sleep can also cause depression, worsen it, and lead to cognitive dysfunction and physical and emotional stress.

The first night we tried our new sleep schedule we were amazed by the results.

Doing the new schedule was difficult for the engineer because he usually returns to the computer right after dinner and sits for hours in front of the blinding screen before running directly from his office to bed. If he wanted to try to unwind—do something mindless before bed—he might watch an old movie on television before hitting the sack.

He wasn’t sleeping well.

Within 15 minutes of starting our reading, though, our eyelids felt so heavy that we had to quit reading earlier than expected. Both of us fell asleep instantly when our heads hit the pillows. When my music started the following morning, I had already started awakening naturally to the sunrise and wasn’t jarred awake by the music.

It was actually a pleasant wakeup, and I felt energized and ready to go.

But first, I took the advice of my Shetland sheepdog (and all of the cats that have condescended to live with me over the years) and did some stretching in bed before swinging my legs over the side of it and letting my feet hit the floor. After toileting, removing my retainer and brushing my teeth, I am ready for some light calisthenics that get my blood pumping and lungs ballooning.

After five weeks of this regimen, I’ve never felt better after a night’s sleep! With the increased melatonin production, my body is always ready to lay it down, even if I add some light exercises to the regimen before showering or grabbing my book to read. And my night’s sleep is deeper and more rejuvenating.

When I skip this regimen during the weekend and go to bed too late, and without my reading ritual, I can feel it. Maybe it’s my age (most probably it is), but I can’t shake that lousy bedtime preparation off like I used to.

Physical benefits of sleep—

One of the big benefits, after trying nearly everything else in the way of diet and exercise, is that I’ve managed to shave eight pounds from the scale! Yippie!

The better and longer sleep, in combination with

making sure I avoid all of the foods that cause problems for me or cause inflammation (inflammation can wreak havoc on your sleep);
regular (3-4 days a week of strenuous cardio and weight lifting exercise) exercise; walking leisurely (about a mile) after dinner to ramp up the digestion;
walking a more fast-paced mile every other morning and on the days I add several strenuous nighttime calisthenics to my daily activities;
not eating unless I’m hungry and then maybe deciding not to eat even then;
making my evening meal the lightest one of the day and always making sure I consume it by 6:00 PM;
not going to bed within 3-4 hours after eating;
not exercising within 3 hours after eating;
avoiding most desserts and reducing my sugar intake;
ditching the coffee;
reducing my dairy product consumption;

has done wonders for my energy level and improving the way I feel physically.

Psychological and emotional benefits of sleep—

I’ve also found that my melancholy and depression has reduced significantly. And when it does sneak up on me, I am more capable of resisting and combatting it. For that I am most grateful.

I’m more alert, less sluggish. I have more energy for exercising.

But now that the days are getting shorter and the nighttime is lengthening, I may lengthen my sleep. The engineer and I call it “keeping farmer’s hours.”

Doing a better job at maintaining the rhythm of life.

But there are certainly bound to be days when I’ll need to arise before the sun does, so I’m purchasing a sunrise “alarm” clock. If you’ve never heard of one, it gradually lights up at the rate the sun would come up and illuminates the room as a sunrise would.

People I know who use one swear by them, and the reviews are good. I’m ordering mine this week, so after I’ve had a chance to try that out for a while, I’ll give you my take on that method.

The engineer and I are ecstatic with our sleep results. And to add extra melatonin help, we’ve started using a major brand name lotion that contains both lavender (a soothing sleep aid) and melatonin. The engineer swears it helps kick his sleep into high gear.

Next, he wants to try taking melatonin when he has to travel overseas on business, when sleep is usually at a premium and not restful.

If any of you have used melatonin for travel, I’d love to hear your feedback!

Until next week,

Happy sleeping!

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What does Painting a Block Wall Have to Do With Life?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difficulties of life and besetting sins lately, particularly while I’m straining to paint my entry wall, the L-O-N-G and H-I-G-H block wall that runs along our LONG driveway. (Are you getting the impression that I think it’s tediously long?)

I love the wall, but not when I have to paint it.

I know. I should crack open my piggy bank and buy a paint sprayer, but I’m too cheap, am watching my home improvement budget like an eagle eyeballs prey, and I keep telling myself that all of this back breaking labor is good for my health.

Ah, exercise. Lots of it.

The main problem—

The problem with my block wall is that it’s not smooth. Block is formed concrete, and that concrete has plenty of little pockmarks and pits. Sometimes air pockets formed during curing causes holes. Big ones. And fifty-one years of blistering sun and monsoon rains have caused even more pitting.

And that means that even if I use the fluffiest, puffiest roller cover made especially for the roughest surfaces, I can’t make the paint ooze nicely into those cracks, pits and holes. I need to lean and press while I’m rolling, really put my back into it.

And apply more paint to the roller and go over it again. And dip a thick brush into the paint and use that to coax paint into the cracks, pits and holes.

And it’s the same thing with those pesky, besetting sins I seem to continuously struggle with, the ones I either have difficulty giving up, or the ones I—if I’m honest—am not so motivated to relinquish.

Like the cracks in the wall, I need to keep working to erase them and cover them, to allow the Spirit of God to reshape, mold, and fashion me into the vision He has for me. The vision that is the most pleasing; the best vision for me. If I don’t do the best job I can on painting that wall, the weather will quickly undo what I’ve done, and the wall will look ugly.

After the paint dries, I need to walk back outside to the wall and observe it from both a distance and close-up, to better identify areas I’ve missed. Areas where the paint was applied thinner than it should have been to properly cover the wall.

And so I get the roller and brush loaded up with paint again, touch up, and re-observe again. I might have to do that several times.

It’s exhausting and often frustrating that I can’t get it all done—easily—the first time.

Once again, the same is true for my trespasses. I need to work on them, stand back and observe them, see where they need work and correction. Understand how I need to submit to and work with the Master Painter to work out my salvation and be rid of those trespasses once and for all.

I know I’ll never reach perfection while still planted on this orb. Like Paul, I know what I should do and still don’t do it; and I do what I know I shouldn’t be doing. Part of being a fallible human being.

But it’s worth the work.

My wall looks stunning. And it’s going to raise my property value.

And when I work on my sins, cooperate with God in shedding them, keep taking stock of them and working on cleaning them up and discarding them, I look better—to God, me, and everyone else.

I know it’s kind of weird to be thinking about sin while I’m painting a wall, but it’s a long, tedious process; and my mind usually wanders off into esoteric thoughts like that when I’m doing otherwise mindless, repetitive activities.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I’m taking a fabulous Priscilla Shirer Bible study every Tuesday morning at my church.

I’ll tell you a little about it next week. It’s already having a profound effect on my life.

Gathering with other like-minded Christian women is also a plus!

Until next week,

What activities remind you of the sin in your life, and how do you work on them?

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Are Your Dreams Too Big?

I’m flitting around the Northwest, enjoying the great outdoors, but I wanted to give you a shot of encouragement today, especially if you have a tendency to chastise yourself for not measuring up, for over-planning and under-achieving, for comparing yourself too much and too often to others who seem to be poster persons of success and finding yourself wanting, and then doing it all over again, hoping things will be different this time.

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted her, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

Until next week, may God bless your dreams!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.