On Holiday

I hope you enjoyed a beautiful Easter and are celebrating anew the joy of His resurrection and your eternal life!

I’ll be taking a week hiatus, but only from blog posting. I’m working on a couple of manuscripts that need submission (after being submitted to the scrutiny of the intrepid Memoir Mavens writing group this week) by month’s end; and I am finalizing the pdf copy of my freebie to all of you who sign up to receive my blog posts!

My freebie is the manuscript I submitted that earned me a spot on Guideposts magazines’ 2016 Tell Us Your Story Workshop and writers team. You’ll get to see the original version.

For those of you worried about where your marriages are  headed and don’t see a positive outcome in sight, this story is for you! It’s the story about how my marriage seemed to be rapidly swirling into a black vortex, until God intervened and redeemed us. In short order.

It’s a story of faith and hope and stepping way out of your comfort zone to determine who you are and reclaiming your lost self.

May you have a wonderful, God-blessed week!

Andrea

Good Friday Meditation: Why Would God Abandon His Son?

Abandon is a hard word and an even rougher experience. Feeling abandoned tears open your heart, stuns your soul and leaves you feeling eviscerated. So when Jesus cries out from the cross:

 

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

 

it’s difficult to get your mind wrapped around.

How could the God incarnate—fully God and fully man—feel abandoned from the God eternal? How could God do that to His son? It seems too hard too believe, that God would be that…well, I hesitate to type it…cruel.

 

There are numerous resources that talk a lot about why that had to happen, why God had to remove His spirit from Jesus in order to fully experience all the ugliness and sin of the world. How Jesus was the Lamb of God, the one, and only one, who could satisfy that atoning sacrifice—to pay the ultimate debt—so those who believed in Him could enjoy eternity with Him in Heaven.

But I’m going to throw out another reason. Mind you, it’s not theological; it’s just a suspicion I have. One that comes from being a parent and imagining one of my sons being tacked up naked on a rough Roman cross for all those bewildered, curious, scornful eyes to ogle.

 

I think God had to remove His spirit far away from Jesus, and turn His broken heart and eyes away.

 

Can you imagine watching your son suffer like that, for no good reason, to pay the price for other peoples’ sins without intervening and trying to get him down off that cross? Without putting your own life on the line; or offering yourself as sacrifice instead?

I’m sure his mother, Mary, would have done it if she had the capability and power. After all, she was one of the few followers that showed up that day and wept at the foot of the cross, along with several other women who wept alongside her and for her. I believe she would have done anything to rescue her beloved son from such torment.

But God the Father could have done something during those six hellacious hours, and didn’t. And I suspect He had to turn his face away from His son’s suffering because He couldn’t stand to watch.

He had to temporarily abandon, or forsake, His son so the sacrifice could happen and the atonement be fulfilled.

 

But then I think He had enough.

 

Historical accounts indicate that most crucified people hung on their crosses several days before dying, withering in the sun, slowly suffocating. In horrific physical pain. But Jesus lasted exactly six hours and then willingly gave up His spirit into His Father’s hands.

Was it the moment God’s spirit returned to Him that He knew the price was paid and the torture was over?

How much relief the Father must have enjoyed the moment He re-joined with His Son. How much relief Jesus must have experienced.

All of it orchestrated, planned and perfectly timed for our benefit.

 

On this Black Friday that we also refer to as “Good,” I’ll be thinking about not only Jesus’ but the Father’s anguish.

Contemplating their mutual, unfathomable sacrifices.

 

Come Sunday morning, I pray your heart is once again drenched in the Father and Son’s joy!

Andrea

Notre Dame: A Sign of Hope in the Midst of Grief

An uplifting Palm Sunday turned to a heartbreaking Monday.

For any Christ-follower—Catholic or Protestant—watching the grand dame of them all perish in flames was surreal and devastating. As one eyewitness said, “I feel as though my guts were ripped out.”

Exactly. Gut wrenching.

Even for Parisians, who are largely a secular citizenry, the site was more than they could fathom. Some referred to its history, its French historical significance, the artwork it contained, the architecture, and its significance in French literature. Notre Dame is part of their national identity.

Then there was the impromptu group that formed and sang Ave Maria as they watched it burned, a reminder that there is always a reason to hope and pray in the midst of pain and sorrow.

I couldn’t contain tears when the picture popped up on my computer screen. My husband and I were speechless as we watched the scene on our television. We couldn’t get our minds wrapped around it.

If you’ve never seen the cathedral in person, toured the interior, tried to absorb the artwork, carvings and glory, or witnessed the magical, ethereal, soul-grabbing sound of the organ or cantor as the notes lift and rise to the arches, you might not have been fully capable of grasping the horror and profound sadness some of us experienced.

I felt deeply, deeply grateful for having those experiences just six months ago after finishing our Camino de Santiago walk.

And I felt deeply sorrowful for those who looked forward to seeing it and will likely never have the opportunity. Like my younger son.

And I was also reminded that this building was a mere symbol of something greater. That we are connected to God through His Holy Spirit, not buildings and icons and reliquaries; and we worship in spirit and in truth.

But that’s hard to do. It’s often easier to worship when there’s something tangible, to see, to touch.

And I wondered if what we experienced might be a little like what the Jews experienced as they watched their beloved temple—the site of their communing with God, their identity—being destroyed.

Their shock and anguish must have been unimaginable.

 

Yet, this week is also a reminder that we no longer need the temple because Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice over 2,000 years ago so that separating curtain could be split and God could take up residence in our hearts.

How wonderful it is that Passover begins this week, a time for Jews and Christians to remember what God has done in their lives. How he has preserved and blessed us.

 

I had some profound words to write for this week’s Meditation Monday post, but a weekend full of tax computation robbed me of my time and energy. And then yesterday threatened to rob a piece of my heart.

Last night, though, I went to bed with the image of Notre Dame’s gold altar cross radiating brightly amidst the ruins, right behind the marble pieta of Jesus draped across Mary’s lap.

A gorgeous reminder that, in spite of grief, He still makes hope available.

And that’s what this week is about—a promise fulfilled, eternity bought, and hope offered.

Amen.

Andrea

“Certainly there was an Eden….We all long for it, and we are constantly glimpsing it.” —J.R.R. Tolkien

There will be no Workout Wednesday blog, but rejoin me for Good Friday for a few Holy Week-centered words.

The Many Faces of Time and Post-Surgery Healing

Have you ever grieved the death of a beloved family member or friend? It shatters your heart, implodes your world , sucks the air out of life, and disorders your brain. You get inhaled into that swirling vacuum of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—the classic 5 stages of grief. (Some psychologists even make it 7 stages, with the addition of shock at the onset and then testing after depression.)

Cancer patients and others who receive devastating chronic illness diagnoses become familiar with them.

Even people suffering through a relationship break-up can experience these stages.

And the loss of a beloved pet can break your heart and unbalance your life.

 

Another type of grief—

But there’s another type of loss that’s hitting home for me right now, one that’s triggering all of these stages too.

The loss of probably the most precious commodity any of us have.

Time.

Time lost, although I’m not sure how you can actually lose time since it’s not something you can gather up and store. But I understand why people say they’ve lost time. It just feels as though something you thought you controlled sifted right through your fingers like water.

Then there’s time wasted.

Time stolen.

Time we’ve let others steal from us, because we couldn’t, or wouldn’t, say no to their time-wasting plans or demands.

Time you try to manage. (Now there’s an elusive idea.)

Time you need.

Like time to grow and time to heal.

 

Have you ever wondered why you had to put up with so much during a season of your life and fervently prayed to get out of it, only to discover later that God was working behind the scenes, preparing you for something grander. Something you wouldn’t have been able to do if you hadn’t slogged through that difficult time?

I’ve experienced plenty of those. I’ve watched my beloved go through that type of thing several times in his career. Once the good, productive fruit starts to emerge, it’s easy to look back with hindsight and point to the preparation.

Post-injury and post-surgery healing can feel like that—a big waste of time that only carved an empty, fruitless hole in your life.

 

How much better it would be if we’d just slog along joyfully and expectantly, knowing God has His hand in everything in our lives and always knows best. Why can’t we be more willing participants?

 

Experience—

When I was pregnant with my younger son, I was confined to bed. Completely. Tilted 15 degrees head down. Every. Single. Day was critical to my unborn baby’s development. Every. Single. Day was a practice of supreme patience and personal surrender in the face of abject fear.

“Four months is a small period of life,” my gentle doctor said. To me it seemed like eternity.

To Cory—my developing son—it meant life or death.

Thankfully, I made it three months, and we were rewarded with life. Only because God gave us a miracle.

Two entirely different views of time, with one result.

 

And now, 24 years later, I’m puttering around thinking about time and realizing I’m a slave to it. A slave to the time it takes to heal from yet another surgery, even though I wasn’t fully healed from the last one in November. Some people keep telling me “healing takes time,” which I know because I have a degree in helping people heal; and weary of others who think I should be healing faster, either because they did following their similar surgery, or because they think I’m protecting myself too much.

Actually, both admonitions are right: healing does take time; and you have to stress yourself to heal. It’s a fine balance of both.

Are you old enough to remember when doctors sent back-injury patients to bed rest for weeks? That advice didn’t work very well. They need to be up and moving, as long as they aren’t doing any further harm to their injury. Even open heart surgery patients are extracted from their beds and made to shuffle around the hospital corridors within 3 days of surgery. Controlled, appropriate stress makes the system rebuild and heal.

A bedridden patient experiences severe and rapid muscle atrophy. Strength and balance are lost and compromised. Often, it’s impossible to correct that kind of damage.

And that’s the key. A delicate balance between stress and rest.

 

The danger of time—

But the biggest problem I’m having is that I have way too much time on my hands and fritter it away by allowing my brain to backtrack down memory lane and assail me for all the time I wasted, the time I didn’t choose to do the best thing, the time I missed out because I was too lazy or fearful or paralyzed into inaction.

I spend too much time dwelling on those memories, romancing what wasn’t and maybe could have been, and turning them into idols. All that memory work is making my heart sick. And that’s affecting my healing.

 

Scripture to the rescue!

The passage from the epistle that St. Paul wrote to the Ephesians is repeating itself in my mind. Two different versions put it this way:

 

“…making the most of your time, because the days are evil” (NASB; italics mine).

“…making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” (NIV; italics mine).

 

And then there’s the passage Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians:

“…we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

 

Letting my mind wander backward down memory lane, and allowing myself to let others’ opinions (or my own warped ones) about how slowly or quickly I should be recovering are unproductive. They only promote dangerous self-guessing, depression, frustration and grief. Depression, frustration and grief that get added to the depression, frustration and grief one normally experiences post-injury or surgery.

Depression, frustration and grief heaped on depression, frustration and grief.

Now there’s a real waste of time and life resources.

 

Change of direction, and thinking—

While I may need to formally grieve those lost opportunities and failed moments at some point in the future, right now I need to resist allowing them to suck the energy out of what I need to be doing at this moment: taking the limited energy I do have and focusing it on healing and whatever else God lays on my heart to do.

On a daily basis, that might not be much and end up appearing pretty measly—between the physical therapy, re-conditioning workouts, and obligatory naps with elevated and iced knee. And that’s okay. I need to be satisfied with it, thank God for it, and be grateful.

Right now it’s all about focus. I’m having to put on blinders and double down on mine.

At some time in the future, I know the good fruit will emerge. And when it does, I’ll be jubilant!

 

How about you?

Are you experiencing a time of recovery, where frustration and depression threaten the outcome of your healing?

While it can be a day-to-day emotional and physical struggle, it can also be one of the sweetest times in your life. Time you saturate yourself in God-time. (Can you tell I’m preaching to myself too?) Pruning time. Nurturing time. A time when God is never so close, because it’s a time we are more acutely aware of His presence.

Don’t overlook it. Don’t grieve it. Don’t waste it. Make no apologies for taking it.

As my friends tell me, healing takes time.

However long that is for you.

But it also takes energy and work.

Thank God for the process!

 

Until next week,

Shalom!

Andrea

“Certainly there was an Eden….We all long for it, and we are constantly glimpsing it.” —J.R.R. Tolkien

Arthroscopy and a Miracle

A funny thing happened on the way to my knee surgery. Something wonderful and rather miraculous.

But I still don’t know when it happened.

Let me explain.

 

A little history—

As a competitive gymnast, I put my knees—and body—through the contortion and compression ringer. Way back in high school I was slapped in a thigh-high to ankle leg immobilizer because of excruciating knee pain and unceremoniously diagnosed with “chondromalacia,” a condition that develops when the smooth, lubricating underneath surfaces of the kneecap get damaged or wear down from…well…wear and tear. At fifteen, I was already experiencing severe wear and tear.

The pain kept me from sleeping. I couldn’t find a comfortable position for it. Keep it bent too long, and I’d have to straighten it out to get it to calm down, at least a little. I needed to sit on the aisles for theater and movie attending because keeping it bent, with the kneecap surface grinding into my femur, was intolerable. Changes in air pressure exacerbated the pain, as did lying out in the sun too long. Adding any excess poundage to my medium frame also worsened the problem.

The condition was still giving me fits in college, and my team physician prescribed 7 aspirin 3 to 4 times a day. It certainly reduced the inflammation, but I was too exhausted from anemia to stay awake or experience discomfort. That was a rough college semester.

 

Athletic Training to the rescue—

Once I completed my athletic training degrees (B.S. and M.S.), I understood what my “mechanism of injury” (cause) was and how to deal with it and became a specialist in the biomechanics of the lower extremity and learned how to treat my own knees as well as my patients’. I developed a knee treatment and exercise protocol to keep my legs strong and avoid further injury.

But I couldn’t reverse the damage done. And while hiking the sometimes-brutal landscape of the Camino de Santiago last fall, my kneecaps (and femur) once again fell victim to the ravages of bone-to-bone grinding. I ended up hobbling (yes, HOBBLING!), into Logrono, our last town on our first journey.

 

Seeing a doctor—

After our return from the Camino, I made an appointment to see a local orthopedic doctor that specializes in regenerative medicine of the joints. Maybe he could help me?

After examining my x-rays, and pointing out the frayed surfaces of my kneecaps, he said he could probably help me regenerate some of that surface cartilage through stem cell injections. Cells extracted from my own tummy fat. (How wonderful that they’ve found something useful for it!)

Because the cost is exorbitant, and insurance companies won’t pay for it, I’d need to save to have the procedure, which I hoped to do last month, after I’d made enough recovery from my November toe bone spur-removal surgery.

But something happened during the rehabilitation from that bone spur. Either I put too much pressure on the right leg, and damaged my meniscus; or an already-damaged meniscus was further eroded during my rehab. One Friday back in January, I saw my stem cell doctor again, told him my right knee felt as though it was hanging by a thread, and wondered what he suggested. He said he wanted to get a look inside the knee to see what was going on. That meant an MRI, which he ordered. (That’s what I hoped he would do.)

 

But the following Monday afternoon changed all my plans.

On the way out my front door to get into the car and drive to Phoenix for a three-day Crisis Management seminar, I finished off what I’d started.

It didn’t take much. It often doesn’t, especially when you get to a “certain age.” I stepped backward off the landing, planted my right foot, turned the key in the lock and pivoted on my planted foot.

Bad move. And a ripping sound toward the back of my knee confirmed it.

After crawling back into the house, (wailing in pain and frustration to my two attentive and sympathetic dogs), icing, and awaiting my husband’s return so he could take me to the after-hours clinic, I got my MRI moved to “stat,” and slid through the magnetic tube that Friday. The following Tuesday I was back in my doctor’s office.

“Good news,” he started, “is that you don’t have arthritis in the knee joint.” I was thrilled, especially after a grizzled Physician’s Assistant with no bedside manner assured me in the after-hours clinic that I had arthritis and my meniscus had to be “mush” due to my age. It meant no knee replacement necessary, for the time being, at least. Then he continued. “But you do have a meniscus tear. They’d normally just let it go, but you have a flap on yours. They’ll need to cut that out, so the knee won’t lock up on you during activity.”

Since he doesn’t do surgery, he recommended another doctor, a believer in stem cell therapy. My doctor hunted him down and brought him back to the room. (Impressive service!) The surgeon told me it was an odd tear (of course; I don’t do anything “normally”) and there wasn’t much to be done but snip that flap off. “And clean up anything else I find in there.”

I knew what that meant: clean up any of the chondromalacia debris. I wasn’t in hurry. Wanting to build some strength in my legs before undergoing the knife, I scheduled surgery for six weeks later.

 

The surgery—

That morning, Chris said he’d never seen anyone more ready and excited to have knee surgery in their life. True. I was excited to find out what was going on there, myself. I sort of felt as though I had this morbid desire to use myself as a guinea pig. I chatted up a storm with everyone. Even the anesthesiologist and I got into a discussion about walking the Camino de Santiago. Fifteen minutes later the procedure was over. They’d blocked out an hour.

Chris had just settled himself into doing work on his computer in the waiting room when my surgeon bounced down the hall toward him, a jubilant smile spread across his face. “Come in here,” he said, as he waved Chris toward a private consultation room.

The surgeon tossed the glossy pictures of my internal knee anatomy toward Chris. “Look at this!” he gushed. “I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Chris pretended to know what he was looking at as the surgeon pointed out the structures. “See her ACL (anterior cruciate ligament)? That glossy area indicates it was damaged, and then healed. That’s remarkable. And see the color of the ligament itself? It’s shape?” Chris nodded as he stared at the picture. “That’s what a ligament of a twenty-year-old athlete looks like!”

Chris’s gaped at the surgeon, who continued. “And, aside from the tear, her meniscus are also in near-perfect condition—healthy, good density. All I had to do was snip off that flap. And see the fibers branching out from the tear edges? It’s healing itself!”

Chris threw out a couple of “Wow” comments as the doctor continued. “And see the smooth cartilage on the bones? She has NO arthritis. Absolutely amazing!”

Then the doctor flipped to the second sheet of pictures. “Now there’s the war zone!” He pointed to the pitted kneecap surface, with the fragments of sheared and scraped-off cartilage hanging off the kneecap and floating in the joint fluid. “Typical gymnast knee. Lots of brutal shear force. I just cleaned off the mess. The good news is that she actually has about 1/3 of the surface cartilage left for stem cells to bond to. She’s a prime candidate for the treatment!

“I don’t know what you guys are doing, eating or exercising or good living. But whatever it is, keep doing it!”

 

Recovery—

Chris couldn’t wait to share the good news. I was thrilled. At my post-op appointment, the surgeon confirmed what he told Chris and said he didn’t think I’d ever need a need replacement.

I lay on the couch post-surgery and bragged to anyone who called to check on me that I had the knees of a 20-year-old. But it didn’t take me long to think a little deeper about what had transpired.

I’d turned 61 just four days prior to surgery. Twenty years old was four long decades ago. Even if I took into account:

  • my pension to eat well and consume a lot of anti-inflammatory foods;
  • my liberal use of anti-inflammatory meds during my twenties;
  • the likelihood that I’m blessed with good genes, (my mom is 97 ½ and without any skeletal problems);
  • and my athletic escapades and genetic bent toward strong, powerful muscles that hold joints together;

 

I can in no way account for all of those factors subtracting 40 years from the age of my knee.

 

Somewhere along the line, some heaven-sent miracle arrested the aging of my knee; or I received a healing miracle sometime during the last 40 years.

I won’t know this side of heaven what the answer is, but I’m SOOOOO grateful. I probably won’t need my knee sawed out and replaced with a bionic, titanium alloy model. Something that’s so often done these days that it reminds me of assembly-line surgery.

 

Healing process—

So now I’m working on rehabilitating my knee. Recovery is creeping along much more slowly than I predicted, but I’m guessing that’s all in God’s plan too. Another lesson in slowing down, trusting. Practicing peace in the face of incapacity and pain.

Surgery recovery has a way of putting life into perspective. It whittles life down to what’s important and really urgent.

Turns out not much is really urgent, although we elevate a lot of things in our lives to urgent. Sometimes I think we do that to make our lives seem more relevant.

And we get brainwashed into believing that unless our lives seem relevant, then we aren’t relevant.

I’m also amazed once again at how God has created the body to heal itself. Sometimes that’s a slow process that needs cooperation. Otherwise, healing can go haywire. I confess I’m not always a patient person, so the healing process is also a lesson in patience, another product of the Spirit’s fruit.

 

Any way you look at it, it constitutes a miracle.

There’s a lot to be learned from an injury.

Youthful knees or not!

Photo:

By the way, the above picture is not a photo of the moon. It’s the inside of my knee. The damaged part of it. The grayish area is where the surface cartilage has been worn down, “like sandpaper,” the surgeon said. Gymnastics. All of the surface should be pearly white.

Hopefully it will become that way if and when I have those stem cell injections!

I’ll be praying for another miracle!

 

Until next week,

Shalom,

Andrea

“Certainly there was an Eden….We all long for it, and we are constantly glimpsing it.” —J.R.R. Tolkien