Category: Meditation

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part III

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first and second list of suggestions, see last week’s and the previous weeks’ posts.

 

First, listen—

I mentioned this in a previous post, but I really can’t stress it enough.

Set a guard over your mouth, keep watch over the door of your lips, and

LISTEN.

Most of us are really BAD listeners. Really, REALLY bad. We’re always ten steps ahead of the speaker, figuring out what clever response we’re going to offer, or what great advice we can give that’ll really help them move forward in their grief. Advice no other bright person has been able to come up with.

Maybe we’re trying to impress ourselves, or others—or both—or maybe we’re insecure and believe dead space or no response is a sin. But it’s not.

 

One of the best responses I ever received after the death of our baby daughter was from the head boss where I was teaching. He blinked at me a couple of times before saying, “Gee, I really don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any idea what you’re going through.”

Even though I didn’t have warm and fuzzy feelings for this guy (he was kind of a brute and bully), I so appreciated his honest response. He’d finally been stuck in a situation where he didn’t have an answer, and he was honest enough to admit it.

I voiced my appreciation. “Thank you. That’s the best thing you could have said to me right now.”

He sighed in relief.

So when you’re really interested in helping a grieving friend, acquaintance or co-worker, invite them out for lunch or coffee and let them talk, or not. Find out more about their loved one. If they’re a person of faith, ask if you can pray for them. Maybe ask them that even if you don’t know their faith background. Invite them to share some of their best memories of their loved one.

And then just clam up, and listen.

If you do think you might have some helpful advice, do not start out by telling them what they should do. You can, however, tell them what helped you in the same situation, or someone you know who survived the grieving process.

 

Don’t make judgment calls—

When a loved one dies, the surviving person’s life is turned upside down. If they now have to make decisions they’ve never made, or manage things they’ve never managed before, they’re likely to feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. And they’re likely not even thinking straight.

Grief has a way of screwing up your mental processes. You can’t make decisions, you can’t remember things, you feel unbalanced and out-of-touch with the rest of the world—which seems to be oblivious to your loss or pain.

Cut the grieving person a lot of slack, and don’t expect too much from them. While they might have a lot of energy to plan funerals or memorial services, that energy will likely disappear quickly and leave the person disoriented.

I’ve heard it said that while losing a child is the most painful experience any parent can go through, losing a spouse is the most disorienting. I can personally attest to the first. I have close friends and relatives who can attest to the second.

Allow—expect—the grieving person to be and act disoriented, angry, lost, anti-social, etc.

Your understanding and presence are more important than advice.

 

Don’t expect them to talk—

If a grieving person decides to join you for a holiday event, or go to a movie with you, or out to lunch, don’t expect them to talk. They might be too exhausted—physically or mentally—to do much communicating. And they’ll be grateful that you didn’t expect much out of them.

Or, in an attempt to cover up their pain, they might be extra chatty. Just plan to do a lot of nodding and sympathizing.

And if they turn you down, be okay with that too. Grieving people often need space to just, well—grieve. Without eyeballs hovering around. They want to lose it. Scream to the heavens. Pound their pillows and exhaust themselves.

But if you haven’t seen or heard from a grieving person for a few days, or week or more, give them a call or text to let you know you’re thinking about them and are available anytime they might want to talk or rant. Let them know you love them.

This is their grief, and they need to handle it their way.

 

NEXT WEEK, we’ll head into some specific things to NOT say to grieving people, especially those who have lost children and will face their first Christmas without that child. If you’re a grandparent, you’ll want to read this advice too.

Until then, be on the lookout for grieving people you can minister to and pray that God will give you the right words to say.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part II

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first list of suggestions, see last week’s post: “Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief Part I”.

 

Don’t be afraid to name names—

Although it’s tempting to tiptoe around using a deceased person’s name, it’s best that you not fear using the deceased person’s name, even if it triggers tears in the grieving person. If you knew the deceased, let the grieving person know how much you’ll miss their loved one or friend. Just offering a comment, like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” can sound impersonal. If you’re sorry, say it, but also identify the person by name. Validate that the person hasn’t disappeared from the grieving person’s conscientious, even though they are out of their daily life.

For years—more than sixty, to be more specific—my mother referred to my older sister, her first baby, who died in utero due to umbilical cord strangulation, as “that baby.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—identify her by name. As though it hurt less to name her or think of her as a real human being.

I always refer to my older sister—who I have never met—as “Cheryl,” which is what they named her. Cheryl Ray Arthur.

I always say my deceased baby’s name when referring to her—Victoria. Of course, I held her in my arms and loved her for a brief day. Something my mother wasn’t given the option to do. My dad made the decision to not allow my mom to see her. I know he was probably trying to protect my mom, but I’m sure it didn’t help in the grieving process—to not be able to hold the baby you’d carried and felt for nearly nine months. Doctors and nurses are now wiser about such things.

 

Go beyond the general question—

Think of asking something deeper than “How are you?”

I know. It’s the easiest, most common question to ask a grieving person. But the answer is usually pretty obvious. They’re not doing well. From a really close friend, it might sound sincere. But more often it sounds more like an everyday, pat question.

Instead, try digging deeper into their feelings, with a question like: “How are you feeling today?” Or “Is today a good day or a rough day?” And then let them open up. Or not.

 

Be sure to offer the grieving person hope—

This is great advice, as long as you don’t venture into making pat comments like “It was God’s will,” or “It must have been for the best.” If the grieving person offers these comments first—as many will do after watching a loved one deteriorate and suffer with cancer—then you may feel freer to agree with them. You might even feel free to rejoice with them that their loved one is no longer suffering.

But the best advice is to let them take the lead. And assure them that as bad as it feels right now, as black as the valley feels, they will get through it. At the same time, assure them that it’s okay to grieve, and that everyone grieves at their own pace. Encourage them to not allow others to push them along, or pay heed to those that tell them to be tough, to pull them up by their bootstraps and get on with life.

Assure them that others will be by their side as much or as little as they want as they walk the path of grief. Encouraging them to join a grief group, or take them to one, can also be helpful and feel supportive. Being with others who are suffering through the loss of a loved one can be encouraging. It goes a long way to not feel so alone.

When you first experience the pain of loss, you’re tempted to feel as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the pain you’re going through. Hearing others talk about their pain can help soothe your throbbing heart.

 

We’ll leave it there for today, but next week we’ll have more tips on helping others manage their grief as they slog through the holidays.

Until then, hold your loved ones closely and rejoice over the time you have with them, not matter how limited that time may be.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays—Part 1

The holiday season is fast approaching. I can’t believe we’re already into November, and the close of the year is just a squeak over seven weeks away. I’m not ready for it mentally. But at least I’m looking forward to the potential joy and peace of it. Feelings many, if not most people, don’t enjoy during the holiday season.

 

While many of us look forward to the holidays with joy, too many look forward to them with dread and heavy hearts. Many of us anticipate fun days full of children and grandchildren laughter and squeals of delight, silent nights and flickering candles shared with church family and friends. Roasted turkey in the middle of a table surrounded by grateful loved ones.

 

But what about the couple whose cancer-stricken child won’t be seated at the table with them this year, or ever again?

What about the despondent mother whose husband has just walked out the door, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to provide any kind of holiday for her two shell-shocked children?

What about the older widow who will have to spend the day alone because her children live a couple thousand miles away, and no one in her tiny sphere has thought of inviting her to join their family for festivities?

Or the aged man confined to a memory care facility, without family members or friends.

 

Coping with grief (and thriving) at this time of year—

It seems like a morbid subject to discuss during this otherwise festive (market and product-driven) time of year, but that’s the subject I’ll be covering for this month and most of December—

How to make it through the grief that can overwhelm us at this time of year, and help others around us slog through it too.

Aside from recent pain, holidays can open up old wounds. Melancholy and depression can be overwhelming. Just how can we help ourselves, and those around us, get through this time of year with a modicum—or more—of joy and look forward to a new year full of hope and promise?

 

Our goal won’t be too forget our pain—the circumstances or the people it swirls around—but to work through it. To use it to our advantage, to gain strength and hope from it.

To resist the forces that would bury our hearts alive.

Preparing our hearts for the holidays—

We’ll formally begin this process next Monday. But until then, I want to give you something that will encourage your heart.

Remember that God is for you, not against you, no matter what others insinuate or what your broken and disillusioned and shocked heart may tell you. Or what the evil one may whisper in your ear.

God stands ready, willing and able to hold you close, carry, or walk you through it.

 

And for those of you who look forward to the holidays with rejoicing, be on the lookout for people who need comfort and a tender, encouraging word.

 

And maybe a place at your celebration table.

Until then,

Prepare to dig and go deep, with yourself and others.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What does Painting a Block Wall Have to Do With Life?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difficulties of life and besetting sins lately, particularly while I’m straining to paint my entry wall, the L-O-N-G and H-I-G-H block wall that runs along our LONG driveway. (Are you getting the impression that I think it’s tediously long?)

I love the wall, but not when I have to paint it.

I know. I should crack open my piggy bank and buy a paint sprayer, but I’m too cheap, am watching my home improvement budget like an eagle eyeballs prey, and I keep telling myself that all of this back breaking labor is good for my health.

Ah, exercise. Lots of it.

 

The main problem—

The problem with my block wall is that it’s not smooth. Block is formed concrete, and that concrete has plenty of little pockmarks and pits. Sometimes air pockets formed during curing causes holes. Big ones. And fifty-one years of blistering sun and monsoon rains have caused even more pitting.

And that means that even if I use the fluffiest, puffiest roller cover made especially for the roughest surfaces, I can’t make the paint ooze nicely into those cracks, pits and holes. I need to lean and press while I’m rolling, really put my back into it.

And apply more paint to the roller and go over it again. And dip a thick brush into the paint and use that to coax paint into the cracks, pits and holes.

 

And it’s the same thing with those pesky, besetting sins I seem to continuously struggle with, the ones I either have difficulty giving up, or the ones I—if I’m honest—am not so motivated to relinquish.

Like the cracks in the wall, I need to keep working to erase them and cover them, to allow the Spirit of God to reshape, mold, and fashion me into the vision He has for me. The vision that is the most pleasing; the best vision for me. If I don’t do the best job I can on painting that wall, the weather will quickly undo what I’ve done, and the wall will look ugly.

After the paint dries, I need to walk back outside to the wall and observe it from both a distance and close-up, to better identify areas I’ve missed. Areas where the paint was applied thinner than it should have been to properly cover the wall.

And so I get the roller and brush loaded up with paint again, touch up, and re-observe again. I might have to do that several times.

It’s exhausting and often frustrating that I can’t get it all done—easily—the first time.

Once again, the same is true for my trespasses. I need to work on them, stand back and observe them, see where they need work and correction. Understand how I need to submit to and work with the Master Painter to work out my salvation and be rid of those trespasses once and for all.

 

I know I’ll never reach perfection while still planted on this orb. Like Paul, I know what I should do and still don’t do it; and I do what I know I shouldn’t be doing. Part of being a fallible human being.

But it’s worth the work.

 

My wall looks stunning. And it’s going to raise my property value.

And when I work on my sins, cooperate with God in shedding them, keep taking stock of them and working on cleaning them up and discarding them, I look better—to God, me, and everyone else.

 

I know it’s kind of weird to be thinking about sin while I’m painting a wall, but it’s a long, tedious process; and my mind usually wanders off into esoteric thoughts like that when I’m doing otherwise mindless, repetitive activities.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I’m taking a fabulous Priscilla Shirer Bible study every Tuesday morning at my church.

 

I’ll tell you a little about it next week. It’s already having a profound effect on my life.

Gathering with other like-minded Christian women is also a plus!

Until next week,

 

What activities remind you of the sin in your life, and how do you work on them?

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Benefits of Active and Passive Rest

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately, probably because I hadn’t been getting as much sleep as I needed. Knee injury pain made sleep—or any kind of decent rest—impossible for several weeks, and my own careless lifestyle added to the problem.

I was staying up too late, reading too many articles on my phone, getting my eyeballs fried from the glaring light and lack of blinking. (You know we blink less when we stare at tech screens, don’t you? That causes our eyes to take in more light and get dry from the lack of moisturizing when benefit from when we do blink.)

I finally had enough, so I mandated some going-to-bed practices for myself and enlisted my evil cell phone for support! Next week, I’ll tell you all about what I did and how well it’s working for me. But today, I want to cover a couple of other important habits or lifestyle practices that can help you stay healthier and happy.

Like sleep, they fall into the category of rest.

 

Active Rest—

According to the 12 Minute Athlete, “active rest” is when you’re still moving but not at the intensity level that you normally move on a regular workout day. It’s important for people who workout daily to rest overworked muscles and aid the recovery process.

 

But what if you’re not an athlete, or everyday, hardcore exerciser?

Active Rest is beneficial for anyone who is busy and pretty active on a daily basis. And you don’t have to be running, lifting weights or participating in heavy cycling.

Think about your daily workload and the stress you incur while working. Do you have to run from office to office, or building to building? Are you going brain dead from all of the nonsense planning meetings you have to attend?

Active rest can be a day where you change up the pace a bit by slowing down and focusing on more relaxing, gentle movements.

According to the article, active rest can be:

  • Going for an easy to moderate hike with your friends or family
  • Taking an easy bike ride
  • Going for an easy swim
  • Light stretching
  • Taking a relaxing walk (This is not power walk time!)
  • Playing with your dog, kids, grandkids
  • Doing some sort of fun activity that you enjoy. Maybe something new to exercise or stress different body parts. Nothing competitive.

 

The goal is to get moving, but not too much.

Some of the article feedback noted people doing house cleaning, Pilates and stretching. Other people liked to box. (That seems to be gaining popularity, especially among women.)

My husband used to pull out his roller blades and he, I, the kids and the dogs would head down to a local park for several zooms around the walking path. The boys would wheel right along with their dad. I was the designated dog walker, by choice. A roller blader, I’m not.

 

Passive Rest—

While athletes will define passive rest as participating in an active that allows your heart rate to drop back to normal as quickly as possible, we’re aiming for something a little more pedestrian or general public level here.

For our purposes, passive rest is when you’re quietly resting but still awake, and not engaged in multitasking.

 

I think a lot of people might engage in this too much, but there are others—like my husband—who have great difficulty just sitting and resting quietly. It’s taken years of practice, but now he looks forward to it. Advancing age may be contributing, but he’s making the most out of his passive rest periods. It’s a time he can shut his overactive brain down and recover.

What kinds of activities constitute “quietly resting?”

You could be lying on the couch with your eyes closed. My mother used to say she was “checking out the backs of her eyelids” when she did this, when we accused her of sleeping.

Although some say watching a movie or television is quiet resting, I’d be cautious about putting that in the resting category. Unless it’s a comedy or a somewhat interesting movie, television watching has been shown to actually decrease brain wave function to a damaging level. You want to rest, but I don’t think we’re aiming for brain dead.

 

As a society, we sit way too much and much of that sitting is down in front of a television, anyway. I would recommend that you use this rest technique judiciously and sporadically because it’s also contributed to the horrendous obesity epidemic we have going on in our country.

Another good passive rest can be a soak in a spa tub or bubble bath, eyes closed or reading a book.

 

But whatever you select, make sure you pick out an activity that makes you feel relaxed and that slows your breathing. Maybe coloring, brushing your dog or cat, daydreaming. Watching a sunset or sunrise. Listening to your favorite classical or acoustic worship music.

 

Mix it up—

Make sure you incorporate both active and passive resting periods into your week.

Sunday—the most popular day of rest—is a wonderful day to fit these in. Try using these techniques to unwind and recharge mentally, instead of using Sunday to run errands or hit the mall.

I think you’ll find the health and fitness rewards amazing!

 

Until next week,

Find your passive resting happy place or space.

Your brain (and body) will be celebrating!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.