Prayer – Page 4 – Andrea Arthur Owan

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part II

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first list of suggestions, see last week’s post: “Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief Part I”.

Don’t be afraid to name names—

Although it’s tempting to tiptoe around using a deceased person’s name, it’s best that you not fear using the deceased person’s name, even if it triggers tears in the grieving person. If you knew the deceased, let the grieving person know how much you’ll miss their loved one or friend. Just offering a comment, like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” can sound impersonal. If you’re sorry, say it, but also identify the person by name. Validate that the person hasn’t disappeared from the grieving person’s conscientious, even though they are out of their daily life.

For years—more than sixty, to be more specific—my mother referred to my older sister, her first baby, who died in utero due to umbilical cord strangulation, as “that baby.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—identify her by name. As though it hurt less to name her or think of her as a real human being.

I always refer to my older sister—who I have never met—as “Cheryl,” which is what they named her. Cheryl Ray Arthur.

I always say my deceased baby’s name when referring to her—Victoria. Of course, I held her in my arms and loved her for a brief day. Something my mother wasn’t given the option to do. My dad made the decision to not allow my mom to see her. I know he was probably trying to protect my mom, but I’m sure it didn’t help in the grieving process—to not be able to hold the baby you’d carried and felt for nearly nine months. Doctors and nurses are now wiser about such things.

Go beyond the general question—

Think of asking something deeper than “How are you?”

I know. It’s the easiest, most common question to ask a grieving person. But the answer is usually pretty obvious. They’re not doing well. From a really close friend, it might sound sincere. But more often it sounds more like an everyday, pat question.

Instead, try digging deeper into their feelings, with a question like: “How are you feeling today?” Or “Is today a good day or a rough day?” And then let them open up. Or not.

Be sure to offer the grieving person hope—

This is great advice, as long as you don’t venture into making pat comments like “It was God’s will,” or “It must have been for the best.” If the grieving person offers these comments first—as many will do after watching a loved one deteriorate and suffer with cancer—then you may feel freer to agree with them. You might even feel free to rejoice with them that their loved one is no longer suffering.

But the best advice is to let them take the lead. And assure them that as bad as it feels right now, as black as the valley feels, they will get through it. At the same time, assure them that it’s okay to grieve, and that everyone grieves at their own pace. Encourage them to not allow others to push them along, or pay heed to those that tell them to be tough, to pull them up by their bootstraps and get on with life.

Assure them that others will be by their side as much or as little as they want as they walk the path of grief. Encouraging them to join a grief group, or take them to one, can also be helpful and feel supportive. Being with others who are suffering through the loss of a loved one can be encouraging. It goes a long way to not feel so alone.

When you first experience the pain of loss, you’re tempted to feel as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the pain you’re going through. Hearing others talk about their pain can help soothe your throbbing heart.

We’ll leave it there for today, but next week we’ll have more tips on helping others manage their grief as they slog through the holidays.

Until then, hold your loved ones closely and rejoice over the time you have with them, not matter how limited that time may be.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays—Part 1

The holiday season is fast approaching. I can’t believe we’re already into November, and the close of the year is just a squeak over seven weeks away. I’m not ready for it mentally. But at least I’m looking forward to the potential joy and peace of it. Feelings many, if not most people, don’t enjoy during the holiday season.

While many of us look forward to the holidays with joy, too many look forward to them with dread and heavy hearts. Many of us anticipate fun days full of children and grandchildren laughter and squeals of delight, silent nights and flickering candles shared with church family and friends. Roasted turkey in the middle of a table surrounded by grateful loved ones.

But what about the couple whose cancer-stricken child won’t be seated at the table with them this year, or ever again?

What about the despondent mother whose husband has just walked out the door, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to provide any kind of holiday for her two shell-shocked children?

What about the older widow who will have to spend the day alone because her children live a couple thousand miles away, and no one in her tiny sphere has thought of inviting her to join their family for festivities?

Or the aged man confined to a memory care facility, without family members or friends.

Coping with grief (and thriving) at this time of year—

It seems like a morbid subject to discuss during this otherwise festive (market and product-driven) time of year, but that’s the subject I’ll be covering for this month and most of December—

How to make it through the grief that can overwhelm us at this time of year, and help others around us slog through it too.

Aside from recent pain, holidays can open up old wounds. Melancholy and depression can be overwhelming. Just how can we help ourselves, and those around us, get through this time of year with a modicum—or more—of joy and look forward to a new year full of hope and promise?

Our goal won’t be too forget our pain—the circumstances or the people it swirls around—but to work through it. To use it to our advantage, to gain strength and hope from it.

To resist the forces that would bury our hearts alive.

Preparing our hearts for the holidays—

We’ll formally begin this process next Monday. But until then, I want to give you something that will encourage your heart.

Remember that God is for you, not against you, no matter what others insinuate or what your broken and disillusioned and shocked heart may tell you. Or what the evil one may whisper in your ear.

God stands ready, willing and able to hold you close, carry, or walk you through it.

And for those of you who look forward to the holidays with rejoicing, be on the lookout for people who need comfort and a tender, encouraging word.

And maybe a place at your celebration table.

Until then,

Prepare to dig and go deep, with yourself and others.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Make the Most of Your Fall Season

Someone recommended the book to me after our daughter, Victoria, died, an award winning kid’s book by psychologist Dr. Leo Buscaglia called The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages.

It’s about a leaf named Freddie who is in the process of watching all of the other leaves lose their brilliant summer green, change to beautiful fall hues of scarlet, orange and yellow, and finally lose their grip on the tree limb. Wiser leaves around Freddie explain the process so he can be prepared and ready when his time comes to be released from the tree and join the earth below. The book is supposed to help young children cope with and understand death.

I read the book to our son, Parker, who had just turned three when his sister died in childbirth. And then we read it every fall after that, on the first day of autumn. It was a ritual that calmed my heart.

When my son Cory was born, he joined the reading time. Now it’s time to pull the book off the library shelf and read it again, by myself this time since the boys are out of the house and on their own making their own lives in this world. They’re no strangers to loss and heartache. I think reading about Freddie has helped prepare them for life’s fragility.

But this year, on the first day of autumn, (which is next week Monday), I’ll be enjoying the fall foliage of the Northwest. I’m attending a wedding up there, and I’m looking forward to being in the thick of the season change. It’s one of my and my husband’s most precious memories of living in the Midwest: waking up to the cold snap in the air, watching the leaves turn brilliant colors and scatter across the roads and landscape. We get a little of that around here, and if we want to drive up the mountain behind us, we are usually treated to a pretty good show. But it never quite feels like enough. I can understand when people say they want to live some place where there are real seasons.

Kind of like life—living it as though it has seasons and leaning in to each of them.

Making the most of the fall season—

Aside from the colder weather tingling your skin, and the general slowdown in activities, fall can really be a state of mind. One you can use to your advantage.

Let go of stuff—

As you start to slow down, say goodbye to summer, and anticipate the darker, colder days of winter, why not rummage through your closet for items you’ve mentally discarded or promised yourself you didn’t wear this past fall and winter and probably won’t wear again in the next.

I was riffling through my closet yesterday, trying to find something to wear to church service that still had the vibrant colors of spring and summer to match my happy mood and our still-warm weather and my eyes settled on some items I’d forgotten I had (and knew I was looking forward to wearing again), and items I didn’t wear last year and knew I probably wouldn’t wear again this winter.

And I realized I didn’t want to wear them just because I felt guilty that they’d been hanging neglected in my closet.

I made a mental note that I’m going to screw up my courage, pluck them from their hanger, and take them to either a second-hand clothing store or donate them.

I’m saying the same for books now too. I’m running out of room to shelve them. And I’ve acquired a new load from my parents’ library in the last several years. Some of them remain in boxes, and I had to honestly ask myself: Will I ever read them? And will my kids even be interested in them?

Probably not. There are those I do hope they’ll find time to read in some distant future, but the chances of your children even being vaguely interested in those things that enticed you—like heirlooms and collections—will not likely appeal to your children. My younger son has already laid claim to my china and family heirlooms, (I have to talk to his brother first before that gets written in ink in my will), so I know what he’s interested in. But as a wise woman once counseled a group I attended:

Unless you have the space to store, the time to keep it clean, or the money to keep it, then it should go. No storage allowed for maybe items.

Relinquish those items from your heart and make room for something, or someone else!

Possessions don’t have to be kept just because they’re useful, though. Items that bring you peace and wonderful memories, or items that bring beauty to your life are important.

Let go of caring what others’ opinions, if they’re not yours—

While enjoying breakfast with one of my dearest friends and sister-in-Christ the other morning, she was verbally chastising herself for caring too much about what others think about her. It’s a lament I’ve heard frequently from her lately. She said she’s getting too old (70) for putting that much energy—and probably losing that much precious time—fretting over others, their opinions, and worrying about how she measures up around others.

I get it. I think the popular term now is being “authentic.” Being your true self in front of others.

I know what she means—not allowing too much mental real estate to be squatted upon and wasted with dressing to impress, acting a certain way to please, thinking a certain way to go along with the mob.

But I think this our society might be in danger of taking this too far. People today are too prone to blurt out whatever is on their mind, no matter how offensive, or even how true it might be. People don’t need (or even want) to hear everything you’re thinking, nor should they.

Feelings are important, and I think Christians are often too silent about how much they’re hurting because they think they need to look as though they always have it all together.

But feelings can be fleeting and deceiving. Didn’t the Apostle Paul say that he had become all things to all people for the sake of the gospel?

I think if we go forward with that thought, always ready to give a reason for our future hope, slow to anger and slow to speak, patient and long-suffering, full of God’s love for others, we will be able to chose wisely.

Let go of unrealistic goals—

What goals are you still striving for, or that keep nagging your brain, that you know are probably not the best, most practical, or timely for you? Maybe they need to be put on a back burner for the future; maybe they just aren’t good for you and never will be. Maybe they were really someone else’s goals.

Now might be a great time to re-evaluate them, especially when you’re dinging out your closet or bookshelves, or rooting around underneath your bed to clear dust bunnies and inspect all of those items you thought you wanted to keep that no longer hold your attention or heart.

Just give yourself permission to adjust and re-plan.

And give others in your life the same permission.

And now for the last one, which may be hard to hear or sound offensive.

Let go of toxic friends or acquaintances—

As part of our church’s “Choosing Wisely” series, our youth pastor gave a great sermon yesterday about those you have sitting at your table. Those people you spend a lot of time with, that influence you.

He wanted us to ask ourselves which people at our tables lift us up, sharpen us, help us grow in our relationship with God, make us better people.

On of the first things they tell an alcoholic to do when he admits he’s got a problem is to discard his old drinking buddies and hangouts and gather a new bunch of friends that will encourage him and be accountability partners.

It’s a good question, but hard to answer. You can’t always avoid toxic family members, but you can still treat them well and honorably even though you limit your contact with them.

You can have a lot of acquaintances, but you really can only have so many good friends. Why? Because nurturing friendships takes time and effort. Even Jesus spent time hand picking his closest friends while He was on earth.

Maybe this fall it’s a good time to pray about those people God wants in your life right now, those friends you want to gather at your table.

Sounds rough, doesn’t it?

But Scripture has a lot to say about friend choosing, especially in the Book of Proverbs.

It says that the righteous choose their friends carefully, so they won’t be led astray.

It tells us to walk with the wise so we can become wiser.

It tells us a friend is loyal.

It speaks of unreliable friends that bring us to ruin, and friends that stick closer than brothers.

It speaks of how sweet to the soul a friend’s encouragement can be and how beneficial their wise counsel.

It even says that open criticism is better than hidden love.

And I think we’ve all heard the passage from First Corinthians that says bad company corrupts good character.

Booker T. Washington even said that it was better to be alone than with people of bad quality.

So even if fall is a time to hunker down and prepare for the dark days of winter, it can be a time of soul refreshment and rejuvenation.

Freddie’s fall from his tree doesn’t have to be a time of sadness when it’s viewed in the context of the entire rhythm of life picture and future (and eternal) hope!

Until next week, prepare your heart and mind to enjoy your Autumnal Equinox next Monday and perhaps view it with a fresh, life changing perspective.

Next Week I’ll have more encouragement for you.

Blessings,

Andrea

*Some of this post was based on Guideposts’ online newsletter article by Holly Lebowitz Rossi. It’s posted in their Positive Living section.


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Have a Living Hope (and Not Waste Your Journey)

The prayer chain email I received last Thursday rattled me. Not for the tremendous burden and need the requester noted—which was, indeed, grievous—but for the depth and spiritual maturity of its perspective.

The Christian sister requesting prayer said she had just been diagnosed with a rare and particularly aggressive ovarian cancer. Just being diagnosed with any kind of ovarian cancer is enough to strike terror in the sufferer because ovarian cancer is usually not diagnosed until Stage 4; and the 5-survival rate is around 17%. My own precious cousin, Jan, died of the dreaded disease (after a valiant, grace-filled battle) ten years ago this month while only in her forties.

She’s recovering from surgery to remove large tumors and begins chemotherapy in two and a half weeks. She sounded confident in the family she is blessed with and her “army of supporters.” (Oh, God, that we would all be so blessed when tragedy strikes us!) Because of this support, she says she can make the most of every day that God will grant her.

Then she listed her prayer requests.

First, she wants to remember that God, not she, is in control.

Second, [recognizing] that “God is most interested in what’s happening in the part of me that can’t be touched, scanned, or medicated.”

Last on the list was that she not waste the time she has [left] despairing or seeking comfort about her disease or the outcome. She was bold in her statement:

“I will only waste my journey with cancer if I seek comfort or despair about my odds, rather than look to know what God can do with me.”

She completed her email request by saying she claimed Jesus’ authority and denied Satan [working] in her life.

After reading her email—which I read three times—I sucked in my breath. Hard.

Certainly all of this is probably easier to say before chemotherapy flattens her and leaves her feeling as though she’s been run over by a semi-truck; when the only time she can drag herself out of bed is when she has to maintain a vigil in the bathroom, lying on the cold tile next to the toilet, in wait of having to relieve her stomach of its contents.

When she undergoes the process of being poisoned to death in order to eradicate mutated cells that are already killing her. Before she’s really knee deep into this battle.

I don’t personally know this sister—whether she is, by nature, as stoic and brave as this email sounds. But clearly she has sought the Lord, the Holy Spirit has spoken to her, and she is ready to confront her disease and this potential earthly death sentence with all the strength, faith, grace, and hope of a believer steeped (and believing) in the promises of Jesus Christ and her true, future hope.

She has put this—and life—in true perspective.

And I was awed.

For me, her prayers and requests are powerful enough to warrant writing down and carrying around with me, to pull out and re-read when metaphorical lightning strikes my life, or I am tempted to whine about inconveniences and aggravating hiccups that cause bumps in my road.

And it was a punctuation mark to my earlier reading about Bethel Music founder and pastor Brian Johnson’s battle with and recovery from depression. He described it as going through six months of “hell” and having to be taken to a hospital when he suffered a nervous breakdown.

When the ambulance arrived at his Redding, California, home, he said to his kids: “This is when God becomes real.”

Isn’t that the truth!

The experience prompted him to write the popular worship song “Living Hope.”

And after watching the YouTube video of Bethel Music singing this heart-churner, I thought about some options for inscriptions on my tombstone:

Jesus Christ, My Living Hope

Hallelujah!

The Grave Has No Claim on Me!

It sounds as though this dear sister is already claiming these truths as she faces the biggest battle of her earthly life.

Her hope is built on Jesus Christ and the power of His death and Resurrection.

May it be so for all of us.

I promise that you won’t be able to stay seated long during this song.

And if watching that isn’t enough to get your motor going, here’s a Bethel song bonus: “Raise a Hallelujah.”

(*The journal picture and entry is a photo found on unsplash.com.)

Until next week, no matter what you’re facing, raise your own hallelujah to the Lord!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Brain Benefits of Tai Chi

I think most of us who have traveled around the sun 50 revolutions or more know that our “older” age translates to a duller, slower brain. In fact, cognitive changes start occurring at the age of 50. Some of the things we lose are our ability to rapidly process information and focus on details.

By age 70 one in six people has mild cognitive impairment—almost 17% of us! If you can do something now to prevent ending up being part of that sorry statistic, then I would say have at it!

Old beliefs about brain function and plasticity—

It wasn’t that long ago that scientists believed that the brain, once you reached adulthood, stopped changing. That it lacked plasticity—the ability of the brain to change throughout a person’s life.

That’s what I was taught in college. It was depressing.

Thankfully, scientists discovered that their theories were wrong, and it’s not true. The brain actually changes throughout a person’s life, and what we do—or don’t do—has a dramatic effect on those changes.

Now scientists know that the brain can:

Grow new cells (which means it has some capacity for repair)
Make new connections
Increase in size

And all of these bonuses can improve cognitive function.

What helps the brain get sharper?

We now know that cognitive exercises, learning new things, socializing and exercise can improve brain function and keep it in top condition for longer than expected. In fact, some neuroscientists say that when you’re exercising the body, you’re really exercising the brain.

But what exercises are good at keeping the brain in top form, or actually improving its function?

It turns out that the internal martial art of tai chi is a real winner because it offers exceptional brain benefits.

Harvard Health noted a meta-analysis (statistical procedure for combining data from multiple studies) of 20 studies on tai chi’s effects on cognition. What they found in people with cognitive decline was that tai chi appears to improve their:

Ability to multitask
Manage time, and
Make decisions

In those suffering mild cognitive impairment, tai chi’s slow, precise movements slowed the progression so all-out dementia more than any other types of exercise.

And it improved cognitive function in a similar or comparable way to other types of exercise or cognitive training.

That’s a big deal!

More good news about tai chi—

In one study, 400 Chinese men and women with the same cognitive impairment performed either tai chi or a stretching-toning combination program, 3 times a week for a year.

A year later, tai chi participants showed greater improvements in cognition and only 2% of them showed progression to dementia.

For the group doing only the traditional stretching-toning program, 11% progressed to dementia.

How does tai chi compare to walking?

Tai chi won that competition too.

When researchers compared tai chi to walking, social interaction, and no intervention, the MRIs of the participants’ brains showed that the brain volume of the tai chi exercisers had increased the most. So they won the brain volume contest, too.

And this happy group also performed better on cognitive tests.

I think I’m going to order a tai chi for beginners DVD. I tried it once before, but I got my DVDs from the library and had to return them before I had a good handle on the activity. I also took a tai chi class on the beach years ago during a Mexico getaway. And in college, I watched a friend of mine participate in the activity. He really bought into the spiritual aspect and acted a little weird about it.

The precise tai chi movements were harder than I thought they’d be, with the slow, deliberate motions, but I could tell right away that my balance would improve tremendously with sustained participation. And I would most likely benefit from the meditative aspect of the exercise. Although therein lies a word of caution.

Warning about tai chi—

Tai chi is an Eastern, internal martial art developed by a Taoist monk. It’s based on that religion—Taoism. So I would warn anyone participating in the exercise to drop the Taoist meditations and focus and zero in on Jesus, the Holy Spirit and His presence. Use it as a mind-centering exercise, without emptying your mind and opening the door to any old spirit looking for a place to entrench itself.

Be very careful what you open yourself up to.

You can reap the benefits of tai chi without sacrificing your soul or beliefs.

NEXT WEEK we’ll look closely at what makes tai chi such a successful activity. What are its special components?

Until then, think about adding different exercise routines to your repertoire, expanding yourself to something besides walking. Your brain will likely thank you for it.

Blessings,