A LOT of people ask how long grief will last, when will it finally be over.
When will the pain end?
How we answer those questions depends upon how we approach grief and the recovery process caused by the grieving experience. The recovery process should lead to completion of grief.
How we handle the fallout of loss and the accompanying pain is what’s important.
Because if we don’t handle the loss well, it can lead to incomplete grief.
And that’s the important subject we’ll be exploring for the next few weeks.
What’s really behind all that grief pain?
When you’re deep into grief, unspeakable pain is your constant companion. No matter what you do, it seldom lets up. You just know the pain is never going to go away; you’re going to have to live with this the rest of your life.
If someone tries to tell you things will eventually get better, you don’t see how that’s possible. You don’t believe them. And you may be angered that they even made the comment.
It’s true, though. Things do and will get better—if you can identify the sources of emotional energy contributing to all that pain.
While there are some deaths—like grandparents, friends, and even siblings—that we can rebound better and more quickly from, other deaths leave us paralyzed and stuck.
The key is asking the right questions to identify what’s causing the emotions and then providing answers to those questions.
Key grief recovery questions—
We all look back over relationships and ask ourselves internal questions about them. The answers can help us complete the grief healing process.
One key question to ask yourself is:
What makes this death or loss different from others?
Was there something about the relationship that made it special? Was there “unfinished business” that will never be completed?
And we can go further with other important questions, like:
Are there things you wished would have been different about the relationship?
What could have been better?
Was there something more you would have liked to see fulfilled?
In my case, in the death of my daughter during an emergency delivery in the fifth month of pregnancy, I had a lot of emotions.
I’d spent five months with my daughter as she grew in my body, feeling her move. And I was seriously ill with morning sickness soon after the beginning of the pregnancy—so ill I couldn’t keep food down and had to undergo home IV therapy and intra-muscular anti-nausea treatment shots.
But I recovered from that and was just starting to enjoy the second trimester when tragedy struck, and our precious Victoria had to be taken too soon to survive outside my womb.
For a little over five months, I’d focused on my growing baby, wondering about what the baby would be like. Wondering if the little one was a boy or girl. Dreaming. Making plans. Mentally designing the nursery.
Then one night it all abruptly ended. My dreams and hopes were snatched away.
One of the things I wrote on the death announcements I sent out was: “Our dreams are certainly going to miss her—“
And that’s where I could have started the grief recovery process, writing down what I wished had been different, better or more.
Of course, I wish it didn’t turn out the way it did. That Victoria wouldn’t have died, or I would have been able to carry her further into the pregnancy and given her a better chance at life.
I wish I had better medical care. That the doctors would have responded to my concerns and to the concern of the ultrasound technician who picked up the problem during an examination. I wish they had been more concerned about the baby and me than the money they were trying to make and save.
I wish I could have had more time with her after her birth.
Victoria’s death had abruptly ended my hopes, dreams and expectations for our life together, as mother and daughter, and for our family’s life as a foursome. It killed my dreams of having a little girl to dress in frilly dresses and hair pinned into pigtails.
It’s important to remember that all these questions are critical to explore because hopes, dreams, and expectations happen in all relationships—even relationships that struggled or fell short; the ones that weren’t so great.
When we speak of grief, and grief recovery, we need to use these grief recovery terms:
“different, better, more;” and
“broken hopes, dreams, and expectations.”
They need to become part of our grief recovery language.
Communicating your grief—
When you’re first thrown into the grieving process, the emotions and myriad of them seem overwhelming and suffocating. You don’t know what to do with all the painful, sometimes incoherent thoughts.
In order to heal and recover, we need to be able to identify and communicate what’s going on within us. What the source is behind those complex feelings and thoughts.
When we do that, we gain control and reclaim a sense of purpose in life.
We can say to ourselves: I know how I feel. Now what do I need to do about it?
And that’s what we’ll be exploring in the next several weeks of posts.
What we can do about those feelings.
Invitation—
Is there any grief you feel you haven’t worked through or fully recovered from? Would it help to ask these questions we’ve covered today:
What feelings am I experiencing about this grief and why?
What makes this loss different from others I’ve experienced?
What do I wish would have been different?
What could have been better?
What did I want more of?
I encourage you to start exploring those questions and jotting down answers to them. You might be surprised at what you learn, and what relief you gain from the process and learning.
I encourage you to explore and ask yourself these questions. To become actively engaged in moving forward into grief recovery.
NEXT WEEK we’ll look at incomplete grief, what it is and how to avoid living with it.
Until then, remember that the grief process is normal, and that there can be a full life on the other side of it.
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I’M WILLING TO BET you’ve heard this saying before: Time heals all wounds.
But does it, really?
And does time heal grief, or the pain that accompanies it?
Or your question might be: how long does grief last?
While time does, eventually, alter the wound, we must be careful not to confuse time healing a wound with a wound healing within time.
Time alone and on its own does not heal a wound, or grief.
So what does time do?
While time does reduce the immediate pain associated with a loss, we can’t expect all pain to subside when a certain amount of time—a certain, pre-set number of days—passes.
But before we go deeper, let’s back up and get a quick overview of grief.
Anatomy of a grief—
A loss, especially a divorce or death of a loved one—can produce an overwhelming amount of pain—both emotional and physical—that causes an extreme amount of emotional energy.
This kind of loss causes a traumatic effect on the body—physically, emotionally and spiritually. And when it occurs, all components of our bodies are affected, and they need healing. Healing that can occur at different rates.
As the shock and its numbness start to wear off, they’re replaced by a reality of the loss. While that might seem, on the grief continuum, a lesser stress to the body, it can be just as traumatic.
Fear often sets in. The fear of never having the same family structure, of never being able to see the deceased person again, of all your dreams being shattered, of this new reality being permanent.
And fear puts a lot of stress on the body.
After the reality of my dad’s death set in, I started experiencing fear that evolved into panic attacks. When my mind realized the finality of his passing—that he was really gone and never coming back—it rebelled and panicked. It took a lot of meditation, breathing exercises and down time to heal from that stage.
But my sadness did not necessarily lessen because of the passage of time. And trying to keep busy enough so that more time would pass and I would heal more would not have been a good prescription.
Ten years later I still think of things I’d love to share with him, decisions and questions I’d like to have his input in. I’d love to hear his laugh, his corny jokes (he thought he was pretty funny), and watch him do crafts with my husband and boys.
The fact that those things won’t ever happen saddens me. But the acute pain is no longer there. Just the melancholy of the reality. And there is some lightheartedness at the joyful memories of those corny jokes and crafty gatherings.
A stark view of our society and grief—
It’s very telling, and depressing, that companies are likely to give you more time off for a broken bone or surgery recovery than they would for bereavement. Six weeks versus three days, usually.
What does that say about our priorities?
Six weeks to heal a broken bone.
Three days to heal a broken heart.
Just how, following the death of a loved one, do you regain your equilibrium in three days?
Why do we expect grieving people to instantly recover from such devastating blows, such injury to their hearts and every aspect of their lives?
What does it mean to “get over” a death?
You may have seen the list put out my psychological or sociology associations putting time limit expectations on certain stressors and losses.
Often they’ll say that the death of a relative or friend takes two years to get over, and the death of a parent or spouse takes a year. And for the parents who’ve lost children?
They might tell you that you never really do recover from the death of a child.
But what do “recover” and “get over” mean?
Getting over seems to imply “forgetting.” Which we all know we could never do about anyone close to us dying. Especially a child.
And just because someone may still feel sadness, (I know I still do twenty-seven years later about the death of my daughter, Victoria), does not mean that person “hasn’t gotten over” the loss.
Like feeling happy, sadness is a normal part of life. Being sad years later shouldn’t be used as an indictment against someone who expresses it.
And when you feel as though society has put an arbitrary number—time limit—on grieving, you start feeling abnormal if you haven’t met that standard.
Time is not an active force with the power to heal. Time itself doesn’t have the power to do anything.
We’ve got to bury the notion that if you just wait long enough that you’ll be fixed.
The danger behind thinking you’ll never get over it—
There is a danger in thinking or believing you’ll never get over someone or something. Why?
Because when you believe you’ll never get over the death of a loved one, you convince yourself to stop trying to recover. You may even stop living. After all, why bother going on if you’re never going to feel better than you do today, drowning in this horrible gutting pain?
Using different words and descriptions to bring healing—
Instead of telling ourselves, and others, that we or they won’t ever get over something, we need to change our language.
We won’t ever forget our loved one, but if we take an active role in our grief recovery, we will be able to hang on to our fond memories without having to worry about those memories turning painful over and over again.
After our recovery and healing completion, we’ll be able to return to a fruitful life of meaning. And although our life will be much different, it can—and will—be good and enjoyable.
It won’t look like it immediately after the loss, but when you take active steps to recover—just as you would after letting a broken bone set and heal—you will be able to move forward.
Yet even with a broken bone you don’t return to “normal” as soon as the splint or cast is removed. You’re likely fatigued throughout the healing process. The body requires extra nutrients and sleep to heal properly. Disuse causes the muscle under the cast to atrophy. When the cast or splint is removed, you need to recondition the limb or joint, regain the muscle strength and coordination that was lost.
That process can take a long time and progress in fits and starts—two feet forward and then one foot backward. It’s a day-by-day re-assessment. And other factors can hamper your healing.
The same is true for the emotional and spiritual damage and recovery we face after a loss. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to jump right back into life. If we do, we’re likely to re-injure ourselves, or set our recovery back. In my exuberance to return to physical activity, I’ve been guilty of pushing the physical limits too soon and setting myself back.
And I was guilty of doing the same thing when trying to “recover” from Victoria’s death. It didn’t work out too well.
I thought if I stayed busy enough, and enough time passed, I’d “get over it,” and life would resume without me having to work on healing.
If I’d only been more patient with myself, more understanding. More in tune with my emotions. I would have healed better and more fully.
Don’t rank your relationships when grieving—
Since every relationship is unique, it’s impossible—and unwise—to try to rank their importance and attach a grief-meter to them.
I’ve heard stories of young people who had nannies while they were growing up and became more emotionally attached to their nannies than their busy parents. When the nanny dies, they’re devastated—more devastated than when their parents die.
The nannies weren’t blood relation, but they might as well have been.
Blood is not always thicker than water, nor does it always mean a closer, more significant and meaningful relationship.
When we grieve, we grieve our special and unique relationship with the person who died.
You set a trap for yourself when you try to compare or rank your loss.
Every loss is different. Every loss is individual. Every loss needs its own healing prescription.
Wrap up—
Try to resist the urge to think you have to recover from grief in a certain amount of time; that time will heal all your wounds.
Doing so leaves you vulnerable to not completing your grief process, of expecting more. Of getting burned out and depressed over your perceived timeframe failure.
Everyone’s different. Every grief is different. Every loss requires unique healing and an individual road to recovery.
Don’t try to follow or adhere to someone else’s road.
Additional Resources—
For more information on grief and the healing and timetable process and fallacy, see these helpful sites:
Is there a grief you’re struggling with right now that you’ve put a healing timeframe on? What can you do to change your view or the limitations and expectations you’ve put on yourself. Or others?
Is there a grief from your past you haven’t fully healed from, that someone rushed you through?
Are you still experiencing sadness from memories of a loved one who passed on years ago and thought those feelings were “abnormal” or indicative of a grief not completed? Can you now recognize those emotions as normal and good, for the memory of your loved one?
NEXT WEEK we’ll start the process of moving from grief into recovery. You won’t want to miss this series. I know you’ll find it helpful for any grief you still need to recover from, grief that didn’t recover well, and for anyone near you struggling with grief.
See you then!
Andrea
*Some material in this post was found in Grief Recovery Institute resources.
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I know you already know this, but 2020 has been an unbelievable, and rough year. Pent-up emotions unleashed, brutality on display over and over and over again in living color, anger and resentment driving people to vengeful behavior.
Within and amidst all this chaos, how can and does one find peace?
Not temporary peace that ebbs and flows with beautiful or ugly reality, but the kind of peace that comes and stays and quiets your heart in the midst of pain, injustice, and grief.
Perfect peace.
Dr. Don Colbert recently had a great blog post about finding peace and purpose in these unsettling times, and I’d like to use some of his post highlight concrete ways to find peace right now. Some of them we’ve recently discussed that I’d like to re-emphasize.
Read on to discover 10 tips to finding peace in the chaos.
Name the source of your anger, fear, anxiety, pain—
It’s okay to be angry about something, or with someone. But often we feel angry about “something” without really knowing what that “something” is.
A big part of being able to find peace is naming the source of your anger, fear, anxiety or pain. Naming it gives you opportunity to confront it and understand it.
This is where journaling comes in, which we’ve talked a lot of about in the last several posts. Not only is it okay to journal, it’s healing to do so.
Thankfully, our Heavenly Father isn’t put off by our anger. He even demonstrated His own righteous anger when He cleared the temple of what He called “a den of thieves.” Thieves that made it impossible for people to reach and worship Him.
And the Bible is full of verbalized complaints, anger, frustration, pain and questions. Just read the Psalms, and Job.
Name the source to gain control over it. Just ranting and crying out to God about it helps unload it and qualify it. While He may not agree with your limited assessment about the cause, He will listen and guide you in your thinking and healing.
Remember who is ultimately in control—
Although we certainly are surprised, God isn’t surprised by any of this. And that’s good for us, because He alone knows why it’s happening, (He sees what’s really going on behind the scenes and reads hearts), and He alone is the One who can give direction for leading us into greener pastures everyone can enjoy, rest in and feast upon.
It does a turmoil-filled heart good to remind itself of that.
If you want answers, go to the source of the right questions. The One who can give you the results you seek. And talk and listen to Him in prayer and meditation.
As a friend of ours likes to say, “Pray and pray often.”
He loves you and wants to hear from you. Often.
Focus on God’s power and promises—
The Bible is loaded with reminders and proofs of God’s power, promises and provisions, and it’s important to pick out a few verses to remind yourself of that.
Some of the passages Dr. Colbert presented are good ones to keep in mind.
“…be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
“Jesus said unto him, ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets’” (Matt 22:34-40).
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:8-12).
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him” (John 3:16-17).
Another passage I’ve used as a foundation for my life is Joshua 1:9:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
But the passage before it sets up this command, and it’s worth noting:
“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”
Do you see it?
There is an if-so-then-that set up. If you read God’s word, meditate in it and try to commit your life to it, then you’ll be more able to prosper and find success in life.
Does hard work always guarantee success? No, because evil works all around us, seeking our failure. And our fallen human condition makes us broken and weak.
We are big sinners in need of a big savior. And we have one in Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah.
One last passage I’ll note that is particularly pertinent right now:
“He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8)?
How much different would our world and lives look if we:
Loved the Lord our God with all our hearts, minds, and souls?
Loved our neighbors as we love ourselves?
Didn’t melt down in anxiety about anything, but, instead, took all of our anxieties to the Lord and prayed continually—with thanksgiving—about it?
Remember that God loves the WHOLE WORLD (that He created), and everyone in it and made the ultimate sacrifice to have a relationship with us?
Remember the Lord is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love toward us?
Act toward others the same way He acts toward us?
Use these truths to pray through and out of your anxiety—
As the famous Nazi concentration campus survivor, Corrie Ten Boom, said,
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.”
Prayer fills out hearts and minds with strength. It can restore our joy.
Take your thoughts captive—
You can talk yourself into almost anything, including fear and anxiety. So it’s important to be able to talk yourself out of them, into gratitude, contentment and joy.
Again, prayer can do that, as you take every time and energy-wasting thought to God and ask Him to do something about it. Ask Him to remove it. Give it away to Him to deal with.
He’ll know what to do with it. You can trust Him on this.
Take action in your own life and on behalf of others—
Nothing stops you from spending too much time thinking about yourself and wallowing in your own problems or negativity than to re-focus on others and their needs.
Put your energies into positive actions.
There are a lot of injustices in this world. Look around and identify one you want to pour your energies into and rectify.
What can you write about? What can you volunteer to do to help alleviate suffering and pain?
If you’re unsure, pray about that too. God will open your eyes to needs in your community. He’ll use your gifts to work to right wrongs, to stand up against prejudice and greed and all manner of evil.
And while you’re going about it, make sure you pray for the people you’re standing against. It will calm and open your heart toward them. Help diffuse tensions and open up lines of communication.
It’s very difficult to be angry with someone you’re praying for.
Keep a gratitude journal—
Every day write down 3 things you’re grateful for; or at least thank God for them in prayer. Doing that opens your heart to receive joy and peace for the good things in your life.
And not stress so much on the things you don’t have and wish you did.
Make sure you do your deep breathing exercises—
As part of your daily meditation, make sure you do your breathing exercises that I highlight in this post
People who do these breathing exercises and meditate experience more peace and gratitude, have less anxiety, and live longer.
Make sure you nourish your body—
Keep your body nourished with good, natural food, the right amount of sleep, fresh air, and exercise.
All these ingredients are critical to good brain function and emotional, physical and spiritual health.
Spend quality (and quantity) time with loved ones—
Even though it’s more difficult right now, make sure you carve out time for loved ones. Doing so releases the hormone oxytocin, a natural stress-relieving chemical.
Petting your cat or dog does the same thing, as does looking into someone’s eyes, (even your dog or cat’s eyes), receiving or giving a hug, laughing with someone. Sitting close to them. Touching one another.
Even though it’s difficult to do right now, make good, strong eye contact with people. Even with a mask on, you can usually tell when their eyes sparkle from a smile, a kind word, a joyful encounter.
And I’ve gotten braver, as I’ve hugged several friends I hadn’t seen in months or over a year. Mask on, I’ve put my whole strength into my brief hug, and I’ve enjoyed a enveloping hug in return. Just giving and receiving one makes you laugh with joy and relief.
Am I foolish and reckless for doing it? Perhaps. But I’ve decided that life really isn’t worth living without a hug or two; and—especially because one of my love languages is touch, and I grew up in the land of hugs (Hawaii)—my mental and emotional health require it.
So I hug, while praying that God will protect me from deadly viruses and germs.
As you go forward this week, I want to leave you with two things that have lifted my spirit and given me more joy and peace.
Lockdown
Yes there is fear.
Yes there is isolation.
Yes there is panic buying.
Yes there is sickness.
Yes there is even death.
But,
They say that in Wuhan, after so many years of noise,
You can hear the birds again.
They say that after just a few weeks of quiet,
The sky is no longer thick with fumes
But blue and grey and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi
People are singing to each other
across the empty squares,
keeping their windows open
so that those who are alone
may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland
is offering free meals and delivery to the
housebound.
Today a young woman I know
is busy spreading fliers with her number
through the neighbourhood
So that the elders may have someone to call
on.
Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and
Temples
are preparing to welcome
and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.
All over the world people are looking at their
neighbours in a new way.
All over the world people are waking up to a
new reality.
To how big we really are.
To how little control we really have.
To what really matters.
Love.
So we pray and we remember that
Yes there is fear.
But there does not have to be hate.
Yes there is isolation.
But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes there is panic buying.
But there does not have to be meanness.
Yes there is sickness.
But there does not have to be disease of the
soul.
Yes there is even death.
But there can always be a rebirth of love.
Wake to the choices you make as to how to
live now.
Today, breathe.
Listen, behind the factory noises of your
panic
The birds are singing again.
The sky is clearing,
Spring is coming,
And we are always encompassed by Love.
Open the windows of your soul
And though you may not be able
to touch across the empty square,
Sing.
Fr. Richard Hendrick, OFM
March 13, 2020
Until next week, when we’ll continue our grief myth discussion,
may you be filled to overflowing with joy, peace, and abundant blessings!
Andrea
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, senior-ordained chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The world has fought a lot of wars throughout history, and it feels as though we’re fighting a war now. A battle against a tiny microbe—officially named COronaVIrusDisease-19 (COVID-19)—invisible to the naked eye. That’s one of the problems with this particular battle. We like to see our enemy, be able to predict what he’s going to do next, calculate how to handle him and thwart his plans.
But with this little halo-surrounded enemy, it seems we can only develop hypothetical models that keep changing, shut everyone behind closed doors, and hope for the best.
It’s obviously a little more complicated and sophisticated than that, but to the average person on the street—who has now been told in some places to continue staying off the street (or beach) or get arrested—it all seems about that simple.
A time of stark contrasts—
The times we’re living in, the battle we’re fighting, brings to mind the opening line from one of my favorite books, one of the best books ever written: A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. A lot of you could probably recite it without looking it up—
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
This beginning of the very l-o-n-g first line pretty much says it all for us. We can relate.
Dickens tells the story about life in another war, the French Revolution, and he continues with a string of contrasts.
…it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,
we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,
we were all going to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.”
A far-flung range of emotions—
How many of us have gone through, or are still going through, these wildly contrasting emotions?
For those of us who cherish our families and time spent with them, we feel doubly blessed to be around them so much.
But domestic violence is on the rise, and tensions are developing in families suffering from too little personal space, or outdoor space. And upended orderly, hyper-scheduled lives.
Drunk driving accidents and arrests are way down; but drinking and drug use have increased dramatically.
We’re looking to trained professionals to give us answers, and we get a multitude of opinions.
A possible breakthrough medication is mentioned, and a couple thinks their fish tank cleaner containing some of the same chemical will work for a homeopathic treatment. After all, they don’t want to get the virus, so—without doctor recommendation or consultation—they ingest their fish tank cleaner. (Who does this!?) The husband dies, and his wife blames our country’s president for her stupidity.
It’s a time of people being terrified and too self-protective, and a time of people throwing caution to the wind, inviting trouble, and putting God to the test.
It’s a time marked by notable events, when we desperately want to believe someone, and a time when we’re so shocked by the unfolding circumstances we doubt everything.
For believers in God, it’s a time when they see Him moving, showing His power, fulfilling prophecy; for the unbeliever, it’s a time of sadness, anxiety, and paralyzing fear.
For those able to maintain their jobs and support their families, it’s a blip on the inconvenience scale. (For some, like my husband, it’s a blessing to not have to rush to and from work every day.) For those watching their lives and livelihoods unravel, they feel stunned, betrayed and helpless. Their futures look dark and impossible. Hopeless.
For them, there is nothing before them.
For others, their greatest fear is whether or not they’ll have enough toilet paper to last through the lockdown. For so many around the world, they don’t know if they’ll have food to feed their children their next meal.
For all of us, we only know what we have right now—before us—and see only a question mark for our and our countries’ futures.
What next?
When will this end, or will it? Will we have to permanently adjust to a “new normal?’
Will staying quarantined, hunkered down, and apprehensive change our brain chemistry so much that we wouldn’t be able to return to normal even if we wanted to?
Rarely in history have we felt the collective “we” we’re now experiencing. The global “we” that for a brief blink in time puts us squarely in the human fragility boat.
As a young man said during an international prayer call I joined in on a week ago: “Thank you, Lord, for bringing us to our knees and showing us just how small, helpless and vulnerable we are.”
It was an admission of humility, of God’s omnipotence. And it was also a plea for mercy to a God that listens when His people cry out to Him. He’s not the detached, aloof God of the Deist; He’s a God of His creation, His people, His children, who listens when they say, “Abba (Daddy), help!”
It may not seem as though He’s listening or moving, but He is. He always is.
What’s in a name—war or not?
Some people don’t like referring to this pandemic as a war. While it may not be in the strictest sense, for many people it certainly is a battle—emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.
As during Dickens’ story, we are living in a time of stark contrasts:
hope and fear
knowledge and ignorance
trust and suspicion
resignation and obedience and blaming and rebellion
hope and hopeless
Light and Darkness
hope and despair
joyful solitude and despairing isolation
resolution and waffling
meditation and anxiety
acceptance and rejection
prayer and self-focus
gain and loss
Good emotions versus bad emotions—
I could fill pages with these contrasts. And strike up a passionate discussion.
Are these negative emotions bad?
No. They’re honest emotions, reasonable and human reactions to upended lives, unknown futures, unanswered questions, and death.
The negative emotions aren’t bad, unless we allow them to swallow up or control our thoughts, kill the positive emotions, and rule our lives.
But the ultimate question is: which contrast do you want to cling to, to practice, to emulate? To grow in. To emerge from this pandemic a better person than you were when you entered it.
Because it is a time of change and growth. A time when we’re confronted with difficult decisions. And we need to look to Someone who can shine a Light on the best ones and guide us down the best paths.
Ultimately, we do have a choice to make it our worst of times or our best of times. Or the opposite.
I don’t mean to imply that this is easy. It’s not. It may take every last ounce of energy we have to successfully emerge and resume a more “normal” life. One that’s hopeful and purposeful. God’s been known to do that to people throughout history to make alterations permanent.
It helps us remember.
A little encouragement—
Before I sign off with the invitation for today, I want to leave you with a couple of encouraging truths:
“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” —Thomas Merton
“It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.” —Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV)
Invitation
Write down all of the emotions this pandemic and chaos has caused you to experience. Don’t judge them, or yourself. Just jot them down.
Then write down why you think you’ve felt these emotions—like fearfulness, anxiety, weepiness, peace.
Draw pictures to accompany your feelings.
Continue to do this as your lockdown progresses or restrictions are eased.
Do you see changes in your emotions and their ability to control you?
Write the steps you can take to make sure your emotions and physical and spiritual life end up on the positive side of the contrasts.
Or turn it into a prayer, asking God to help and guide you to accomplishing those attitudes and behaviors.
Better yet, turn it into worship. It’s hard to feel negative emotions when you’re singing praise and worship songs!
Here’s one of my favorites to get you started.
And I’ll see you back here next week (or sooner)!
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
If you suffer from or know anyone who suffers from depression, you know how debilitating it can be. Suicidal tendencies, sleep disturbances, nutrition problems, weight changes, and substance abuse are only some of its side effects. The financial toll it takes on society is huge. The toll it takes on people physically and and spiritually is immeasurable.
And an astounding statistics about depression? A Medscape report noted that between 15 and 20 percent of people are affected by this mental illness.
But depression is complicated. It’s often difficult to get a handle on its root causes. You might have genetic vulnerability, a significant life stressor, be taking a depression-triggering medication, experienced a serious and debilitating illness, or an injury. Depression can be a surgery side effect. And it can occur as a side effect of painkiller or drug dependence, or be caused by the use of these substances.
Do you know that it can cause long-term damage to both the brain and body?
What is the brain connection to depression?
Numerous conditions can affect your brain and its mood-regulating process. Grief after the loss of a loved one or a major life-changing event—moving, changing jobs, having a child—can start the depression ball rolling. If not addressed quickly, it can roll out of control.
An August 2019 Bridges to Recovery article covered how major depression affects the brain and body. The article covers the memory decline and sleep-disturbance link between the hormone cortisol (which is released when you’re under stress); the disturbing findings that long-term depression sufferers have 30 percent more brain inflammation than their mentally healthy peers; and the link between hypoxia, or reduced oxygen, and depression.
Those are staggering statistics that have tremendous health consequences.
How can we better deal with, overcome and prevent this threatening illness?
Treatingdepression—
The toll depression can take on your body is significant. But there are alternatives to taking anti-depressants, which can also have their own negative consequences.
Powerful, effective drug-free alternatives exist that you might want to explore, or use with your prescribed medication to enhance results.
These alternatives are listed under a treatment category referred to as mind-body medicine.
Depression and Mind-Body Medicine—
Mind-Body Medicine is becoming more popular and mainstream, and you may have heard the term and been wondering exactly what it is and what it could do for you or a loved one.
In a nutshell, Mind-Body Medicine is integrative medicine—medicine that takes the whole person and her lifestyle into account—it helps you control your physical and emotional responses to the world around you.
The Center for Mind Body Medicine defines it as medicine that “focuses on the interactions between mind and body and the powerful ways in which emotional. mental, social and spiritual factors can directly affect health.”
It cannot be emphasized enough that the brain is connected to the body, and vice versa. So if we want to have overall, optimal health we must strive to be whole body connected.
A question you might want to take time to ponder is:
“You might be taking care of your body but what about your mind?”
Maybe you’ve recently noticed that you aren’t taking care of your mind, or paying much attention to it outside of knowing what you’re thinking or worrying about at any given moment. Many of us know it’s up there, somewhere above our shoulders, but some of us don’t know what to do with it. Instead of trying to exert control over it, we’re more likely to let it control us. The results can be rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, anger, frustration, fear, and depression.
Mayo Clinic’s Dr. Amit Sood has pointed out that
“Impressive advances in neuroscience research have brought to our attention a startling and exciting discovery—the mind can change the brain.”
Thankfully, after decades of research, scientists have discovered that our amazing brains do have what they call plasticity— the ability to change throughout our lives. Our brain can be soothed and coerced into being more completely engaged. We can become more resilient, happier, more thoughtful, purposeful or intentional.
Many of the techniques I’m going to give you I learned as an undergraduate and grad student. I’ve tried them, applied them, and researched them. They can work, when you practice them properly and faithfully.
I’m going to address 13 activities. With so many, I’ll be breaking them into three posts, so let’s get started today on the first five:
Biofeedback, Guided Imagery, Meditation, Muscle Relaxation, and Music Therapy.
At the end of each section, I’ve provided YouTube video of the activity for you to learn more, participate in or practice.
Biofeedback for Depression—
Physical therapists, athletic trainers, coaches and psychiatrists have used this technique for years. But what exactly is this technique that’s been effective in 150 medical conditions?
Biofeedback is used to help your mind control your body.
But just what in your body are you trying to control?
You’re trying to control involuntary (reflexive) responses. Bodily functions you don’t typically have control over, like blood pressure, muscle tension and heart rate. And a lot of tension can translate into a lot of muscle and joint pain.
How does biofeedback work?
Electrical sensors are placed on different body parts/areas. These sensors then give you audio or visual feedback on your heart rate or how much muscular tension you have in that particular body part.
Then you’re taught how to focus on and “feel” the tension, cause the tension to occur (through voluntary contractions), and then release the tension by deliberately allowing, or causing, the muscle to relax. Patients can lower their breath rate, heart rate and blood pressure using this technique.
You also learn to recognize exactly where you “hold” tension in your body.
When you become more sensitive to your triggers and body tension areas, you are more able to control and overcome the tension when you encounter stressful or stress-triggering situations.
If you’re interested in giving this a try, find a trained biofeedback therapist in your area. You shouldn’t go at this alone, unless you want to snag a book at your local library and try it without the feedback machine bells and whistles. You won’t do any harm trying it this way.
Guided Imagery for Depression—
What makes you relax and smile? Where’s your happy place? A walk in the park? A stroll along the beach? A forest hike?
Guided imagery involves thinking of a personally pleasing scene, vision, or pleasant memory. Then imagine yourself plunked down in the middle of it, with all 5 senses engaged to “experience” this intentional daydream. This relaxation technique is called guided imagery, or visualization.
Try laughing or smiling during your visualization exercise and notice the relaxed, happy (or happier), and contented feeling you’re experiencing. That’s those happy hormones (endorphins) being released into your body, just like they’re released during exercise or crying. Mayo Clinic calls it “an important tool in treating a variety of health problems.” (If you want to give the smiling or laughing affect a try, go ahead and smile or laugh right now, as you’re reading this, and see what kind of feelings that result.)
This is what else Mayo Clinic has to say about it:
“Researchers using positron emission tomography (PET) scanning have found that the same parts of the brain are activated when people are imaging something as when they’re actually experiencing it…Vivid imagery sends messages from the cerebral cortex to the lower brain, including the emotional control center of the brain. From there the message is relayed to the endocrine and the autonomic nervous systems, which affect a wide range of bodily functions, including heart, expiration rates, and blood pressure.”
The endocrine system is a collection of hormone-producing glands. Some of the body systems these hormones control are metabolism, growth and development, tissue function, sleep, mood, sexual function, and reproduction.
The autonomic system is the part of our nervous system that regulates the control of our internal organs and some muscle function.
How’s Is Guided Imagery Done?
First: Relax.
It’s important that you have no distractions, so leave your cell phone in another room and put an “I’m Visualizing Right Now” sign on your closed door!
Put on loose, comfortable clothing and sit or lie in a comfortable, quiet spot. Start with deep, slow breaths in and out through your nose.
Second:Breathe.
Now really concentrate on your breathing. Slowly fill up your lungs and pay attention to the stress leaving your body when you exhale. Think of exhaling your stress away. Don’t allow random, distracting or negative thoughts to permeate your mind or interfere. (This will undoubtedly occur, but it will get better or easier to control with each session.) When you’re done dispelling thoughts, return to focusing on your breathing.
Next: Visualize.
Now comes the fun part! Intentionally choose a desired image and focus on it. It could be an event, location or person. If your mind wanders, bring your focus back with a slow, deep breath. (If you have difficulty conjuring up a scene, choose a pleasing photograph or picture to look at.)
Finally: Affirm.
Select a positive word or phrase to connect to your vision. This will serve to create a positive image that will be stored by your brain, easily recalled later, and provide your brain and emotions with positive thoughts and feelings. Some practitioners think that attaching a word to your feelings helps to engage both sides of your brain.
One of my favorite places to visualize is Waikiki Beach, hearing the waves crash onto the beach, envisioning the moonlight on the water, holding my husband’s hand as we stroll along the beach at night.
If you’re suffering from grief due to the loss of a loved one, it may help to envision a happy time you spent with them.
If you have a moment right now, even if you’re sitting in a chair to read this, stop reading and give guided imagery a try. It doesn’t have to take more than five minutes, and you may be surprised to feel your breathing slowing down.
Meditation for Depression—
Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines “to meditate” as: “to spend time in quiet thought for religious purposes or relaxation.”
Other definitions include: to engage in contemplation or reflection; to engage in mental exercise (as concentration on one’s breathing or repetition of a mantra) for the purpose of reaching a heightened level of spiritual awareness; to focus one’s thoughts on, to reflect or ponder over; to plan or project in the mind.
One of mediation’s many synonyms is “to chew over” which is what its definition is in the Bible. When we’re told to meditate on God’s word, we’re being told to chew on it, like an animal chewing its cud, regurgitating it over and over; or to work on it like a lion shredding its prey so we can possess it, understand it, be changed by it.
Recent research indicates that the most beneficial part of meditating can be the breathing techniques associated with it. It’s also one of th easiest and most portable activities that can be done just about anywhere.
So whether you’re meditating to clear your mind, or meditating to really concentrate on something, you’ll find benefits.
How To Start
Like Guided Imagery, meditation begins with a quiet place, controlled breathing, and dispelling distracting thoughts. Then choose a word or verse on which to concentrate.
When I’m sitting on the floor of the small sitting area off my bedroom, in front of a lighted candle that emits a subtle scent of hyacinth, my favorite thing to concentrate on is a person.
When I repeat the name, “Jesus,” and think of all of His beautiful attributes, my heart, body and mind are filled with joy, peace and love. (A mind-and-body-transforming, heavenly love.) I’m brought to a state of physical relaxation, mental calmness, alertness, (yes, you can simultaneously be calm, relaxed and alert!), and psychological balance. These are all benefits of meditation. (Concentrating on and repeating a word or verse from Scripture also gives me the same effect.)
So, when people tell you that in meditation you need to first “empty your mind,” that’s not necessarily true. You need to first lay aside distractions and banish those from sneaking in your mind’s door, then intentionally choose what you will allow to enter in to that delicate, impressionable space.
While your goal is to empty your mind of the stress and concerns, you don’t want to just empty your mind and allow any old thought to come in. You want to think deliberately, try to gain control over your thoughts.
But don’t judge yourself harshly when negative or distracting thoughts rush in, as they so often do. Just acknowledge them and then discard them. Don’t dwell on them. You can transform yourself by renewing your mind.
Meditation benefits—
Meditation has received rave reviews by researchers because it’s been shown to reduce anxiety, reduce blood pressure, improve attention, improve sleep, decrease chronic pain, improve blood sugar level control, and decrease job burnout. It can even help you achieve sleep at bedtime. At the very least, it helps you manage a hectic, stressful life!
If you desire a meditation training aid, like directions or music-to-meditate-by, go to www.mayoclinic.com and search for “mediation.” Or simply Google, Mayo Clinic Meditation, which will lead you to videos, tablet and smart phone apps.
Progressive Relaxation Therapy for Depression—
I love this one! It’s easy, quick and helps reduce depression, anxiety, muscle tension, stress, panic disorder, and high blood pressure and improves concentration.
Getting Started
First, remove your glasses or contacts and loosen any tight clothing and choose a chair or floor in a quiet place. Remove your shoes.
Starting with your feet, deliberately tense your feet muscles and hold the tension for 5 seconds. Then slowly relax the muscles and keep them relaxed for 30 seconds. Feel the tension leave the muscles as you relax.
Repeat this tense-and-hold one more time with your feet and then move up to the legs (calf area). Repeat the 5 seconds of tensing and follow with the 30 seconds of relaxation two times, as you did with your feet. Then move up to the thighs, pelvis, abdomen, chest, hands, forearms, arms, neck, face and head, following the same 5-second tense and 30-second relaxation structure.
At first, don’t be surprised if you have some difficulty isolating the specific muscle groups. But keep trying! You’ll find success soon enough and reap the benefits.
Aim for a 10-minute session. Muscle Relaxation can be done anywhere. It helps reduce stress and relax the mind in seconds! It’s also often used in conjunction with Biofeedback.
MUSIC THERAPY for Depression—
Do you like to listen to music? It turns out that music has one of the most powerful effects on the mind for memory and people and event association.
But how can it be used for therapy?
Music therapy was first recognized as a bonafide treatment back in 1945 when musicians treated injured United States military personnel. It’s now used in a variety of ways to improve mental and physical health. Patients may listen to a particular piece of music and then discuss how it affects them. It can also be used to achieve a state of relaxation.
Studies have shown that music therapy improves students’ sleep quality and reduces pre-exam anxiety.
Your choice of music can relax your overactive mind and help you concentrate on the subject at hand, or energize you. You can select the genre and tempo based on your mood or activity, or the mood you wish to achieve.
Music therapy can revive your spirit, get you up and moving, and, for some people, actually reduce pain and suffering. Ever undergo an MRI? The music you can select to have piped in through head phones they place over your ears to drown out the horrid noise can settle your nerves and queasy stomach and make it seem as though the exam is shorter than it really is.
So don’t forget about music as an important part of your healing process. It can be combined with other treatments, like visualization, to optimize and enhance results.
It can improve mood, reduce heart rate, blood pressure, and anxiety. And some anti-depressant medications actually work better with music therapy!
Wrap-up—
I think you’ll be pleased with the positive effects you’ll receive from these mind-body exercises, and they’ll become an integral part of your stress and depression-fighting medicine toolbox. If you have any questions about them or difficulty performing them, please don’t hesitate to respond in the reply box or send me an email at: andreaarthurowan@gmail.com.
Or let us know how these techniques have benefitted you!
_____________________________________
NEXT TIME: Fighting depression with Pilates, Relaxed Breathing, Tai Chi, and Yoga.
____________________________________
Until then,
don’t give in or give up, and fight the good fight against this debilitating illness!
Andrea
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and an award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
(Some information and quotes for this post were taken from Mayo Clinic Guide to Alternative Medicine, published by Time Home Entertainment.)
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
