When a friend or loved one comes to us, expressing her deepest emotional grief, pain or fear, often, our first reaction is to try to console or fix them, to ease their emotion or correct it so they can experience less pain and more joy. Or ease our own uncomfortable emotions at her honesty.
But are we doing her a disservice?
Probably. What we say and how we respond can help or wind up in the category of toxic positivity.
In my last three posts, I’ve talked a lot about what toxic positivity is, and how harmful it can be. Today we’ll look at what it looks and sounds like, how to turn it around to a constructive and helpful response, and how you can respond if you’re the recipient of it.
WHAT TOXIC POSITIVITY LOOKS LIKE—
When someone has expressed the deepest pain, grief, frustration or agony of her heart, have you ever heard someone respond in any of these ways?
- “Cheer up, it could be worse.”
- “Look on the bright side,” and then proceed to tell you what that is.
- “He’s in a better place.” (If a loved one has died.)
- “Focus on the good things.”
- “Tomorrow will b your best life.”
- “Just go with the flow.”
If you’re trying too hard to be and display positivity, you might also end up with a problem.
WAYS TO SPOT A FAKE POSITIVE ATTITUDE—
There’s at least one big clue to knowing whether or not someone is faking a positive outlook.
Look at their eyes and cheeks.
When someone displays an authentically happy smile, her cheeks scrunch up to her eyes, causing little creases to occur under the eyes. And the eyes narrow as they’re pushed toward the eye socket. The corners of her lips elevate. In short, the facial muscles get involved.
No Duchenne marker? Then the smile is likely a put-on, to make you think they’re happy, or they responded gratefully to your upbeat, think positive comment.
WATCH BODY LANGUAGE TOO—
Did she relax when you blurted out your happy comment? Did she nod gratefully, or thank you?
Or did she tense up, jerk, look down? Did her eyes fly open in shock or disappointment? Did she seem to go quiet or withdraw?
Watch how people respond to your statements, your words. Your body language. Pay attention to how you respond to those words.
THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BEING TOO POSITIVE—
Inauthentic happiness can stress you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the more you avoid negative thoughts, the bigger and more overwhelming they get. It becomes a self-defeating effort.
And if you internalize it, you can damage yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. For years.
If you’re a never-ending source of upbeat thinking statements, you might come off as being insincere, shallow, self-involved or uncaring. You could be in jeopardy to losing meaningful relationships. At the very least, others may stop sharing their hearts with you.
They might stop telling you the truth about how they feel and instead just stick to the surface issues in conversation. They’ll stop trusting you with their hearts.
For someone that hangs out with a super positive person, she might be in danger of denying herself and her true feelings, work too hard to conform to the positive person’s views, put on a fake demeanor, feel as though she’s walking on eggshells around Ms. Positive and exhaust herself trying to say the right things.
These kinds of responses are crippling to someone’s spirit. And I don’t think many of us want to do that to a friend, or to ourselves.
HOW TO RESPOND IF SOMEONE HITS YOU WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY—
How do you or should you respond when a super cheerleader type dismisses your expressions of tough or painful emotions?
On the extreme, you may have to set some pretty firm boundaries with him, either outwardly or discreetly, while you heal. Especially if the offender just won’t acknowledge his error or the damage his comments did to your spirit.
Quite often, though, the best response is to breathe deeply, remind yourself that your emotions are your emotions you need to acknowledge and maybe express, and then gently tell him how his response affected you.
And cut them some slack by giving them the benefit of the doubt.
You might say, “I know you meant well with your positive response, but that comment made me feel as though my emotions aren’t important or valid, and that you really weren’t listening.”
How he responds to that will tell you volumes about his heart and character.
You could let him off the hook by saying you know he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with sharing your emotion, and if it really upsets him, you won’t share your feelings with him.
Or tell him that all you need right now is a listening ear and a listening heart. Someone to talk to.
Can you successfully balance pain-driven emotions with a positive outlook?
No question about it. Life is hard. Most people don’t get through life without having to confront pain, loss, a devastating event or major, stressful life change. And most people do survive them. But often they only survive. You wouldn’t say they managed to survive them well, and with honesty.
But there is a way to do that. To be hopeful (not necessarily sickeningly cheerful or sappy sweet) and be able to look forward with hope in the midst of the deepest heartache.
Join me next week when we’ll learn how we can do that, and not necessarily live an easy life, but live a hopeful one.
Until then, be a good listener, really hear what people are expressing, confirm their emotions and be careful with sharing your positivity.
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.