Tag: Forgiveness

Ascension Day: The Antidote to Post-Resurrection Letdown

I’ll begin this post as I did the last one: I’m sure most, if not all of you have experienced what I’m experiencing right now: a feeling of hanging in limbo. As though you’re unsure of your next move and have difficulty planning your days.

Then I listed some reasons why that could be happening and expanded on the stress and sadness our family is experiencing with my mother’s decline in health and her journey toward the end of her earthly days.

And that was before I was blindsided (the day following the post release) that the memory care home where my mother lives will be closing its doors at the end of this month. That means finding a new place for my mom, at a time in her life that another transition will be very difficult.

Thankfully, God in His infinite goodness found another place for my mom, through my mother’s primary caregiver. We’ve moved her this last Friday.

But the stress of calling hospice and her nurse practitioner and new nurse and making sure that’s all coordinated has added to the blah feelings; and, I am sure, at this point, that I’m dealing with some sadness and depression.

Grief.

 

And that just amplifies what I was already experiencing.

Post-Easter letdown.

Which really doesn’t need to happen.

The emotional, spiritual, and often physical investment of the forty days of Lent, Holy Week, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and then the rousing celebrating on Easter Sunday can result in a kind of letdown feeling. As though it all happened, and now it’s over, and a feeling of “what now?” niggles your spirit.

But should I really be experiencing that post-Easter letdown? If I’m experiencing it, I can only imagine what Jesus’ disciples were experiencing on an order of magnitude greater than my doldrums.

But if we look at what happened after the Resurrection, which we started to explore on April 19 post, we see that there was a lot happening between Jesus and His disciples. It didn’t happen the way we often envision it to have transpired.

And that’s where we’re headed in this post. On an eavesdropping and sightseeing walk with Jesus and His followers. Experiencing the far-flung emotions they experienced—the shock, dismay, wonder, giddy joy and thrill of their encounters and the final goodbye that drove them to praise and worship their risen Lord.

As we walk with them, we’ll better understand just how generous and loving and patient and kind our Savior truly is toward us. Then, and now.

 

And once we understand and appreciate that, we’ll also experience that wonder, thrill and praise-filled joy ourselves.

 

What transpired with the disciples between Jesus’ death and resurrection?

 As far as we can discern from the four Gospel accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, we get a picture of a terrified group of disciples in mourning. Hidden away in abject fear of the Roman authorities and Jewish leaders, who the disciples believe will be tracking them down and crucifying them too. The Garden of Gethsemane shows them running, after Peter cuts off a temple guard’s ear when trying to defend Jesus. Once Jesus is arrested and taken away, the disciples make a getaway.

But at some point Peter and John follow the group. (I can see them trying to follow the crowd, undetected, in the night.) Because John knows someone there, they gain entry to the Jewish trial proceedings and eavesdrop on that event. That’s where Peter is when he’s accused by a servant girl of being one of Jesus’ followers and does what he swore he’d never do: deny knowing Jesus. And Jesus hears him do it.

Scripture tells us that Peter ran away and wept. Probably bitterly.

John must have stuck around for the proceedings, though, because we get some great details about what transpired. And he seems to be the only one of the twelve that has the nerve to follow Jesus to Golgotha and stand beside the wailing women to watch the crucifixion and Jesus’ death.

Judas goes out in the field to commit suicide over his betrayal of Jesus.

The women disciples, always faithful and seemingly unafraid, station themselves at the cross to be with their Lord and mourn.

After Jesus’ death, two Jewish leaders—secret followers of Jesus—step forward to bury Him in the tomb.

And then the Scriptures are silent on what’s transpiring for three days, although we do know that on the morning of the Resurrection, ten of the remaining followers are assembled together. I can imagine what’s going through their minds.

Agony.

Heartbreak.

Grief.

Disillusionment.

Terror.

Dread.

 

A what-are-we-going-to-do-now feeling.

Things didn’t go quite according to their plan. Jesus didn’t fulfill all of their hopes and dreams—of conquering the Romans and freeing the Jews from oppression. He didn’t do the conquering king thing, as they expected.

They left their livelihoods and families and dedicated three solid years of their lives to following Jesus, being taught by Jesus, watching Him work, heal, preach, and pray. Now, in one devastating twenty-fours, it’s over.

They’re demoralized, devastated.

And scared to death.

 

Ever feel like that? When all of your hopes and dreams, all you’d worked for abruptly ended, and you couldn’t see past your pain, fear and disillusionment to think straight. To trust that all is going according to plan or will be worked out.

It’s a sick to the pit of your stomach feeling that sucks the life out of you.

But bless Jesus’ always-perceptive, loving heart. He knows this anguish, and He spends forty days after the resurrection appearing to, speaking with, eating with, walking with and still teaching His followers.

And forgiving them.

 

What transpires during that forty days following the Resurrection?
  1. The first thing that happens is Jesus appearing to Mary Magdalene, who has gone with the other women followers to finish the anointing of Jesus’ body that they couldn’t do on Friday due to the approaching Sabbath, when all work was to cease for twenty-four hours.

Can you imagine this woman’s joy when she sees her Lord again? Pause for a moment and consider what might go through your heart and mind if you were in her shoes.

Shock?

Bewilderment?

Inexpressible joy?

Clearly, she and the other women are so excited that they hurry to find the other disciples, to let them know what they’ve heard and seen. And what do the eleven men think?

Unbelief. Because “[the women’s] words seem to them like nonsense.”

I can imagine the yelling and likely arguing that ensued. The anger at not being believed. The chastising and ridicule for such “nonsense” being spoken.

Ever have a heated discussion with someone that doesn’t believe you, or just dismisses what you have to say? It’s more than irritating. You feel patronized and belittled. It’s a horrible feeling.

But Peter and John must have a suspicion that what the women’s report has some merit, because they run to the tomb and take a look for themselves. Luke’s Gospel doesn’t say that what Peter sees immediately convinces him; it says he “wonders what has happened.”

 

  1. The next thing Luke recounts is that road to Emmaus encounter with two followers. The one we covered in the last post. Jesus teaches and opens their eyes to what the Scriptures prophesied about Him, reveals Himself to them, and then splits. Disappears, actually.

The two men are so overjoyed that they run seven miles back from where they had just come to tell the other disciples, who are likely chattering up a storm about the recent developments.

Can you imagine the two beating on the door to be let in and then busting out with what they experienced? How could you possibly contain yourself? The scene is likely happy chaos and breathless reporting.

 

  1. But before they can get out their fabulous story, the disciples burst out with their own revelation: “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.”

So somewhere in that time frame on that Resurrection Day, between the appearing and disappearing, Jesus has appeared to Simon Peter. Alone. And if you know your Bible stories well, you can guess—or already know—why Jesus must have done that.

With his denial, Simon had sinned grievously against his friend and Lord. Scripture is clear that he mourned his sin. Can you imagine doing this to your best friend and then having to live with the agony of regret for the rest of your life?

In God’s mercy, He doesn’t allow Peter to suffer. I don’t know what the conversation was; it was a very private interaction. Scripture doesn’t elaborate, but I can imagine.

Peter is likely shamefaced when Jesus appears to Him. Maybe he falls at Jesus’ feet, weeping once again. Maybe he collapses into Jesus’ arms. Maybe he begs for Jesus’ forgiveness.

Whatever happens, we know that Jesus forgives him. And their relationship is fully restored. And there’s nothing quite like a restored precious friendship.

And that’s exactly what happens to us when we repent to Jesus. When we acknowledge our sins and ask God to forgive us. He’s faithful and just to forgive them. Now. Just as He’s been doing for thousands of years.

What relief and joy Peter must have experienced at the restitution. Can you relate?

You feel clean, restored, refreshed. Your heart is unburdened. Life again has meaning and purpose.

 

  1. Then, while the Eleven and the other disciples are chattering about all that has happened, Jesus appears. Just shows up. No knocking on the door to be let in. He just materializes and gives them a familiar greeting, “Peace be with you.”

And wouldn’t you know it, even though Mary and Peter and those two Emmaus guys have already seen Him, Luke says, “They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost.”

Maybe Mary and the women, and the Emmaus walkers and Peter weren’t startled, but I suspect they were. At least a little bit.

How could they not be? While Jesus is real flesh and bone, clearly something remarkable has happened to Him to allow Him to come and go in an instant, to appear and disappear.

Have you ever experienced something that seemed just too good to be true? Something you saw or experienced with your own senses, but you kept second-guessing yourself? You just couldn’t get over the fact that it happened.

Imagine seeing a once bloodied, broken and dead body come back to life, and you get the idea. And who can blame them? I’m sure Jesus’ ability to just come and go like that took some getting used to.

But Jesus gently chides them when He says, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”

Jesus provides proof. The nail holes haven’t disappeared. The lance-caused side wound remains. He actually invites them to look and touch and see. To be convinced.

To fully believe.

But, because they’re so overcome with joy (Wow! It’s really Him, isn’t it?); and amazed (How could He really be alive and back in our midst?!), they still aren’t fully convinced. Meaning, they probably wouldn’t stake their lives on it as they eventually end up doing.

Again, in His love and patience, Jesus asks, “Do you have anything to eat?” When they provide him with a piece of boiled fish, He took it and ate it right there in front of them. To further prove his flesh-and-bones existence.

 

  1. Jesus reiterates to them that He told them all about this when He was with them those three years—the prophecies about Him in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms. He opens their minds to understand all that’s been written. He says,

“This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sin will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things.”

 

And then he gives them another promise, and directions:

 

“I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”

 

Power from on high? Who wouldn’t want to stick around for that!

 

Is there more in the forty days after the Resurrection?

In order to learn more about what transpires in those forty days, we need to jump over to the Book of Acts, where Dr. Luke expounds on the story.

In chapter 1 we read:

 

“After his suffering, he showed himself to these men and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: ‘Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.’”

 

Verse six indicates by their question that they’re still hung up on the kingdom restoration to Israel thing, so He tells them, bluntly, that it’s none of their business when that’s going to happen. And then He tells them what they will be doing for Him:

 

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

 

In essence, He tells them that thy have a big job to do for Him. Others need to know about Him, and be offered salvation and restoration to God. And it’s going to be their responsibility to get evangelism kick-started.

 

Evidently that instruction comes on His very last day with them, after He led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, (as Dr. Luke reports in the last verses of his Gospel), when Jesus performs His final act upon the earth.

 

Jesus’ final act upon the earth—

Jesus has appeared. Jesus proves many times over—in front of a multitude of witness—that He was dead and is now alive.

He has forgiven. He has taught. He has given additional instructions. And now He performs His final, loving and encouraging act.

He lifts up His hands.

And blesses them.

 

What He said is not recorded, but we can be assured that His words were tender, loving, uplifting. Maybe something along the lines of probably the most famous benediction in Scripture:

 

“The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace” (Numbers 6:24-26)

 

Maybe He personalized it by saying “I bless you and will keep you. I will make my face shine upon you, and be gracious to you…”

 

But perhaps it was more personal. These are, after all, the closest and dearest, most beloved friends He had during His life on earth. The men and women He had spent an intense and busy three years with. The people He’d joked with, laughed with, ate and camped outside with. The ones who knew Him best.

At least as well as one can possibly know the One who is fully God and fully man.

And in the midst of that blessing, while He’s blessing them, Jesus is elevated into heaven. Slipping through what is likely a thin veil between heaven and earth; returning to the Father in glory.

The Magnificent Ascension.

He leaves them again, this time with that blessing on their hearts and minds.

A glorious memory of their Lord to take and carry with them.

 

Luke then tells us in his Gospel that after He disappears, His followers begin worshipping Him. And they obey His directions by returning to Jerusalem with great joy. Not just a little joy, or a general kind of joy, but GREAT joy.

Once there they head to the temple, where they continually praise God.

A jump over to the first chapter of Acts gives us the full picture.

While Jesus is disappearing into the clouds, the disciples stand staring up into the sky. I can just see all of them standing in a clump, mouths open, heads back, eyes fastened on Jesus, and then those clouds. Maybe they could still hear His voice through the opaque mist.

Luke says they “were looking intently.”

Can’t you just see them, heads bent backward; eyes straining to see. Maybe they’re waiting Him to come back down to the earth. After all, He disappeared once, and then reappeared and disappeared and reappeared. Perhaps He would do it again.

It takes two angels dropped down to earth beside them to get them to re-focus.

 

“Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into haven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

 

That’s good enough for them. Nothing like a couple of suddenly-appearing guys dressed in bright white to get your attention. The disciples hit the road and head back to Jerusalem. To wait, as their Lord instructed.

They’ve learned well enough now to believe and to trust, and do as they’re told.

And do it with praise and worship in their hearts and on their lips.

 

What does this story have to say to us?

This is an amazing story. A true and living story.

It’s not a story of an indifferent God who put in His ministry time, suffered, got the reparation job done and then promptly returned home.

It’s the story of a loving God. A compassionate God. A God who seeks, and takes the first steps to forgive and restore.

A God that loves and longs to bless us!

The crushing pain and devastating loss at the crucifixion has been lifted and erased. There is no more sorrow. Only joy and worship and forward-looking living.

Jesus’ physical presence will soon be replaced with His spiritual one. The One that’s busy in the world right now—working, teaching, healing, saving, and leading.

Just exactly like the physical Son did while He was on earth.

 

I would caution you to not let your imagination run amuck, in haste to fill in what isn’t said in Scripture, but can you see yourself in this story? Can you hear Jesus’ words and actions; imagine yourself as a disciple?

Let me provide a few questions to get you started.

 

Invitation—
  1. Close your eyes and imagine all that Jesus said and did during that forty days. Imagine Him blessing His follower friends, and then imagine Him blessing you.
  2. When was the last time you asked Jesus for His blessing upon you and your life? Upon your day; upon a significant moment in time.

Take the time to do it right now. Lift your hands to the heavens to receive the blessing. And praise and worship Jesus for giving it. Rejoice, just as the disciples did that day in Bethany and Jerusalem.

  1. Spend a moment considering the characteristics that mark the disciples at this moment in their lives, at the end of Luke’s gospel and the opening of Acts.

They praise.

They worship.

They obey.

And then ask yourself: How much of my day, week, year, or life is or has been marked by praise?

If you’re lacking that component in your life, begin today.

If you’re not sure how to praise, ask the loving Savior to show and lead you.

If you need forgiveness, repent and ask Him to forgive you.

If you’re on the outside of that disciple circle looking in, and want to know how you become a part of it, take the steps needed to break through the circle.

Acknowledge that Jesus is the Savior, the Son of God. The Messiah, who took upon Himself the sins of all mankind, suffered and paid a penalty that you owed.

Ask Him to forgive you of your sins. If you aren’t sure what they are, ask Him to reveal them to you. He will.

Tell Him you want to be a follower, a child of God.

Ask Him to send the Holy Spirit to inhabit your heart so you are counted as one of God’s children.

Then offer praise and worship to the One who restores you from death to life and prepares a place for you to live in Heaven. The One who has given you hope and a future.

 

And rejoice!

 

Why are we looking at the Ascension right now, this long after Easter.

Because this Thursday, May 13, marks Ascension Day, the commemoration of the end of Jesus’ forty days son earth following His resurrection.

Consider it anew and what it means for you.

NEXT WEEK: We’ll continue the story with a look at Pentecost—the event that initiated the age of the Church. We’ll celebrate the anniversary.

Until then, praise, worship and obey.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.”

 
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Completing Your Grief Healing—Part 8

FOR SEVERAL MONTHS we’ve been exploring and working our way through grief—the importance of grief recovery and completion; leaning into and embracing our volatile (and sometimes scary, overwhelming) emotions; learning the basics and language of loss and grief; what emotional energy is and how it contributes to the grieving process; the importance of apologies and forgiveness; basic relationship reviews; the individual uniqueness of grief; the dangers of harboring resentment in grief; everything you need to know about grieving well.

Step-by-step we’ve explored the process, taken concrete actions to achieve a satisfactory grief completion.

With all of that work in hand, we’ll move onto asking the hard questions to expose all the emotional energy factors needed to write our relationship review letters.

 

Remembering and addressing the details of a relationship review in grief—

As we’ve discussed before, each relationship is individual and unique, so the answers we give to our emotional energy checklist for our relationship review letter will be individual and unique.

You are human and undoubtedly have emotions you want to honestly share or get out in the open. I don’t know too many people that enjoy bottling up emotions, although they may have been taught that’s what they should do following a loss or death. That teaching just isn’t true, or healthy.

Now’s the time to get it all out. Feel. Unload. Vent. Remember.

And complete what the death or loss started, unleashed or exposed.

Although not an exhaustive list, here are some of the things you’ll want to ask yourself or remember and make note of for your letter. They pertain to the relationship you had with the person you’ve lost or the friendship that’s been severed:

  • When did you first meet the person?
  • What events surrounded that first introduction?
  • Did you have a special name for the person?
  • What kind of personality did the person have?
  • What kinds of gifts did you share or receive from them or give to them?
  • What kinds of gatherings did you enjoy, at their house? Yours? Trips together?
  • What kinds of perfumes or aftershave did they wear, if any?
  • Did you ever have any arguments with them, and about what? How often?
  • Were they kind and loving or teases?
  • What kind of unique, personal mannerisms or quirks did they have?
  • Did you see each other frequently? Chat often on the phone? Worship together?
  • What personal events did you share?
  • What personal stories did you share?
  • How much did you trust this person, and why?
  • Did you love seeing and visiting with this person, or not?
  • Was there something about them that made communicating or living with them difficult? (Alcoholism, mental illness, attitudes, etc.)
  • Were you happy about the amount of contact you had with this person, or not?
  • If you lived a long physical distance from them, were you happy or unhappy about not seeing them more often than you did?
  • Were you together for major events?
  • If they died because of an illness, how often did you get to see them?
  • How did you learn about the person’s illness?
  • How did their illness affect them/you?
  • Were you able to talk about your feelings with them, or someone else close to them?
  • Are you willing to talk about the person’s illness now? Were you then?
  • How did the end of their life progress? How did you handle it?
  • What do you remember about the last days or end of your relationship with the person?
  • What kind of emotional response did you and they have to this illness, impending death, and your relationship?
  • Were you included in the end of life process, goodbye, funeral or memorial?
  • Did you get to say goodbye, or was there an abrupt end to the relationship?
  • Did your friend or the family leave you left out of the end-of-life or memorial process? How do you feel about that?
  • Is there anyone you feel safe talking to about your feelings and hurts or fears about this person and the loss?
  • Are you trying to take care of others’ emotional needs and disregarding yours in the process?
  • How did their death impact you emotionally as soon as you learned of it?
  • How did the severing of the relationship impact you? (Anger, shock, fear, frustration?)
  • What kinds of emotions did others express at the death?
  • Did you attend the memorial service? Why or why not?
  • What kinds of memories, regrets, dreams, or emotions have you experienced in the days, weeks, months or years since the death of relationship loss?
  • How have you recognized birthdays, special occasions, or holidays following the loss?
  • Did the person miss any significant events you wish they could have attended or you would have liked them to attend?
  • What kind of relationship do you now have with the survivors, or other, mutual friends?

 

Talking about the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly parts of a relationship—

I know it can seem or feel wrong to talk about the bad parts of a relationship after the person has died, but it’s important to acknowledge and voice the whole truth. It’s a critical step in making us emotionally complete and completing the grieving.

Grief is often confusing, complicated, long and exhausting. And scary. This is what we’re walking through, in the best way we can do it. To continue with life and thrive.

That’s what we’re doing with the questions and the relationship review, which we’ll get closer to completing next week.

Until then, I invite you to work on these questions, answer them honestly and completely. Doing so will likely trigger more feelings, emotions and memories—both good and bad. You may cry again. Laugh again. Regret again. Rejoice over a loved one’s life and her impact on yours, again.

 

It’s worth the effort.

 

Invitation—
  1. I invite you to take some time this week to answer all of the above questions to the best of your ability. Write complete sentences or thoughts and feelings. Don’t worry about chronology right now. We’ll be able to write and tidy up our letters later.

 

If you need to catch up on our discussion, see the following posts for this life-changing information:

 

Grief Struggles and Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors

Understanding and Dealing with Undelivered or Unaddressed Emotions and the Important of Grief Completion

The importance of grief completion.

The basics of a relationship review in grief.

Importance of apologies in grief, for loss or death grief

The importance of forgiveness in loss and grief and dangers of harboring resentment.

Understanding and incorporating significant emotional statements.

Reviewing the good, the bad, and what you wish had been different.

What you need to know about grieving well, what contributes to the nervous energy you experience in grief, and the basics of loss and grief.

 

Until next week, may God give you wisdom and grace as you relive your life with the person lost to you.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Completing Your Grief Healing—Part 7

FEW THINGS are more life altering or heart damaging than the death of a spouse, family member, treasured friend or loved one. Even the death of a not-so-loved one can be destabilizing. We need to have the tools to deal with the myriad emotions surrounding these kinds of deaths.

And that’s what we’ll focus on today: the loss and grief that accompanies death, and the emotional energy and relationship reviews involved with it.

 

The basics of loss and grief—

There are important things we need to keep in mind about grief.

  1. Never, ever compare losses. And never, ever compare how you assimilate a loss/death to how someone else assimilates it.
  2. No losses are comparable.
  3. Grief is all about relationships. Because of that fact, never compare relationships.
  4. The keys to loss and grief recovery are acknowledging the uniqueness of each and every relationship.
  5. Beware that your personal relationship with the person who has died can affect your ability to help someone else with their grief over that same person’s death.
  6. Death almost always triggers a painful awareness of the end of any hopes, dreams, and expectations you had about the future with the person who died. Do not be surprised when those emotions arise, which they sometimes do like a tidal wave.
  7. The death of a relative does not dictate the depth or degree of a person’s grief or emotional energy output over the loss.
  8. People are complex, which makes relationships complex. Because of those truths, you will likely experience very mixed emotions—both negative and positive—about a loved one’s or family member’s death. These mixed emotions can be a source of anxiety, frustration, or joy. It requires discipline and bravery to confront, wrestle with and untangle some of them.

 

 Relationship reviews with people who have died—

 Again, I cannot stress it enough that your relationship with the deceased person is your relationship, a unique one that cannot be compared to anyone else’s relationship to that person.

The emotions associated with that unique relationship are the legacy of both the time you’ve spent with that person and the intensity of your relationship with them.

So when you’re making an assessment of the relationship—your relationship review—you’re considering and exploring your emotions wrapped up in that relationship.

Your feelings are driven by special events, memories, words spoken and unspoken, negative and positive interactions that occurred between you and the deceased. In short, your history together.

 

What drives the emotional energy in the grieving survivor—

Many issues, events and experiences drive the emotional energy displayed in your grief.

One significant issue is just how close and invested you were in the relationship with the deceased. The intensity of your relationship will drive the emotional energy you experience at their death.

The closer and deeper your relationship, the more likely you’ll experience some pretty extreme nervous, emotional energy.

Conversely, if the relationship wasn’t close, emotionally or physically, (as in intimacy or proximity), the emotional energy output won’t be as extreme.

This is often the case with siblings who may have far different experiences and emotional relationships with a parent that has died. One sibling may have felt and been extremely close to a parent, while another had a strained or distant relationship with them. Because of these significant differences, each sibling’s emotional energy responses will look entirely different. And the one with the closer relationship will likely grieve more deeply.

However, if the child with the distant, strained relationship feels as though there is a lot of unfinished business between him and his deceased parent, there may be a lot of complex and difficult energy experienced.

Whatever the response is, though, it will be accurate and valid for each sibling.

 

Remember, their incomparable experience is their incomparable experience. Big or little, each experience is unique, and valid.

So do not feel guilty if your emotional energy output is less than someone else’s over a familiar or family member death. Do not be afraid to feel or express your emotional truth, and let someone else express theirs. Encourage everyone to express their unique, distinct relationship reviews and feelings.

 

What if the family member who died was “less than a loved one?”

I think we can all attest to the fact that not all family relationships are warm, loving, and good. Some are really horrible. Others are mixed, at best. And our responses to death will reflect that.

Please be willing to accept that not all parents and children have perfect, storybook ending relationships. Because of this reality, don’t try to make something of the relationship that wasn’t real or true when going through the relationship review process. Don’t kid yourself.

While you can, and should, take actions of forgiveness, and stand back and see and assess events more clearly as an adult, you should not whitewash the relationship or re-write it.

Remember and note the good times, if there were any; and be honest about the bad times. Don’t inflate or deflate them; just be honest about them.

Rejoice. Or forgive.

Write your story with the person you’re saying goodbye to, not someone else’s version. And don’t let them write yours.

 

If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your review and sentiments, regrets and heartfelt statements with a close family member, because you know it will be met with unfair criticism or correction (based on their relationship point of view) don’t. Relay your story to someone else—a trusted friend, therapist, trained chaplain or Stephen Minister, or sympathetic listening ear.

 

Overall goal of a relationship review—

You had a unique relationship with the one who died. Your goal or task is to uncover what has been left unfinished or incomplete in your unique relationship with that person.

So be forthright. Be proactive. Be diligent in digging for those grief recovery treasures.

In the end, it will make all the difference in the world for you—physically, emotionally and spiritually.

 

Invitation—
  1. Can you identify any unfinished emotions or emotions you tried to tamp down or ignore after the death of a loved one or family member? Write them down.
  2. What relationships have you, or did you try to whitewash with excuses or condoning?
  3. Which family members have you still not forgiven and need to forgive, even if they are deceased?
  4. Start thinking about how you would write your story with the deceased person—from beginning to end—with all the plot twists, harrowing experiences, tensions, joys and triumphs worked into it. (Don’t worry. We’re writing a short story.)

NEXT WEEK: We’ll look at some specifics in an emotional energy checklist in preparation for writing our relationship review story.

Until then, think about how you want your family to write their story of their relationship with you. Anything you’d like to change? Any forgiving or apologies that need to happen to make their story with you happier?

Blessings,

Andrea.

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Completing Your Grief Healing—Part 6

IN OUR RECENT GRIEF RECOVERY discussions, we’ve looked at the significance of apologies and forgiveness. Today we’ll look at how significant emotional statements fit into the successful relationship review and grief pain completion.

Significant emotional statements: otherwise known as really important stuff you need to say.

 

What is a significant emotional statement?

A significant emotional statement (SES) is defined as anything of emotional value that doesn’t count as an apology or forgiveness. It’s any comment communicating something important; anything important that was said or left unsaid before someone died, or before a significant relationship (marriage, friendship) ended.

 

Examples of significant emotional statements—

A SES could be statements like:

  • You were such a good husband, who made me laugh and enjoy life.
  • I wish that we would have been given more time together.
  • I wish you would have gone to the doctor sooner. Maybe treatment given sooner would have helped.
  • I love you, and I know how much you loved me.
  • I’m grateful for the full life we lived together.
  • I loved your belly laughs and loving eyes and touch.
  • I’ll miss having breakfast with you every morning, praying with you and discussing our plans for the day.
  • I’ll miss lying in bed with you, holding one another, thanking God for the blessings in our life.
  • I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work.
  • I thought our marriage was for better or for worse; that we’d be together until death do us part.
  • I don’t know what happened for you to end our friendship. I wish you’d tell me so I could make it right.

 

Significant emotional statements are statements conveying your emotional attachments or a feeling, regret, love, desire, hope and expectation.

It’s anything you feel should have been said or should be communicated now.

 

Every relationship is unique, to you—

Understanding and appreciating that every relationship is unique to a person is important, and it affects your significant emotional statements and the statements of others grieving the loss of the same person.

How often have you told a story and your significant other or sibling loudly proclaims: “No, that’s not how it happened!” And they proceed to tell their version of the story and correct yours.

But that’s the point. It’s usually their version of the story they’re telling. Their personal memories, from their point of view. And their emphasis on events and feelings is likely to be much different than yours; their experience will be different.

 

A grieving son will have different emotional experiences about his father than his grieving mother has about her husband. The grieving sister will have different feelings than her grieving brother.

We need to be extra careful not to plant our feelings into the hearts and minds of others grieving the same loss. Or plant feelings of a loss we’ve experienced into the hearts and minds of a friend’s loss.

The death of one mother’s child will not be experienced the same way the death of another mother’s child will be felt.

 

When significant emotional statements need to be followed by forgiving ones—

You’ll find that some significant emotional statements should naturally be followed up with apologies or forgiving statements. Let’s look at some of the above examples.

I love you, and I know how much you loved me, might be followed by “I should have told you more how much you meant to me. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work. This might have the statement: “I’m sorry for being unforgiving and not working harder on our marriage.” Or: “I forgive you for giving up so easily on us.”

 

The point is that if a negative statement is made, it should be followed up with a statement of forgiveness. Only then will grief completion be possible.

 

What about fond memories—

By all means, put fond memories on the list and make statements about them.

They could be thank you statements, specific memories of good times, significant life events. Things you especially appreciated about the person’s character or personality.

 

Is a significant emotional statement the end of it?

So you’ve written down a list of statements. Is that it? Are you done?

Not quite. We have to put all of these statements together, and remember that just because we do it successfully doesn’t mean we’ll never think about, talk about, or long for the person again.

BUT BEWARE!

Do not skip the forgiveness statements. An unforgiving spirit and withholding forgiveness “is the largest stumbling block to successful completion of the pain caused by loss.” (Grief Recovery Institute)

As I’ve said before, please don’t fall into the trap of believing that forgiveness condones hurtful behavior. Those thoughts and actions curtail and hinder a potentially lifesaving action.

“A lack of forgiveness always imprisons the wrong person.”

I would add that it always damages your heart.

It leaves you in the state of perpetual victimhood, constantly reminding yourself of the painful things, the unfairness of things that happened a very long time ago.

 

Putting it all together—

Putting all these components together gives you the freedom to move on to and achieve grief completion. It’s the catalyst for healing, like when a surgeon re-sets a bone to straighten it out so it can heal. And a physical therapist gives you exercises to complete the healing to return you to a full life.

 

Invitation—
  1. Examine your heart deeply. Are there people in your life you haven’t truly forgiven for their actions? How can you take concrete and effectual steps today to do that?
  2. Is there someone you’ve recently lost who you wanted to say something more to, either before their passing or now? Write these down.
  3. Is there someone you’ve lost to death or lost as a friend that you can and would like to make a significant emotional statement to? Write those statements down.
  4. This can be a time of wonderful memories flooding your heart and mind. Even if they cause you to grieve again, consider the fond memories blessings of a life well lived.
NEXT WEEK: Moving from discovery to completion!

Until then, write down those significant, fond memories and add them to your apologies and forgiving statements.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part 5

LAST WEEK IN OUR SERIES on doing a relationship review to complete your grief healing, we talked about the importance of apologies in successfully completing your grief process. This week we’ll explore forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Even the word can make people cringe and feel queasy and defensive. It’s not always an easy thing to give to someone, and it’s a healing component a lot of people get stuck at and resist doing.

But I can’t stress enough it’s importance.

 

How important is forgiveness in grief and loss recovery?

Forgiveness is usually a critical element to completing unfinished and incomplete emotions attached to any relationship you have throughout your life. Someone is bound to hurt you—sometimes horrifically, so; and you are bound to hurt another person. It’s unavoidable. We’re sinful people with myriad wants, needs, greeds and hang-ups.

Relationships are overrun by sensitive natures, life experiences and prejudices about life topics. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations abound.

It doesn’t help that society’s definitions and concepts of forgiveness are often hidden landmines that complicate the process, as are the reasons behind forgiving someone and what to expect after forgiveness is given.

But why is forgiveness such a critical element?

Read on to find out.

 

Basic definition of forgiveness—

The psychologists at the Greater Good Science Center at University of California—Berkeley define forgiveness as:

 

“A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”

 

Look at the key words in their definition:

  • Conscious
  • Deliberate (decision)
  • Release (of feelings)

A conscious, deliberate release. The process is action-oriented, not passive.

And then please take note: forgiving someone has nothing to do with whether or not the recipient of your forgiveness actually deserves it.

And that’s where people get really stuck, to a point where not forgiving or being unable or unwilling to forgive negatively affects their life.

 

Does “forgive” mean “condone”?

This is where a lot of people get hung up emotionally and spiritually, thinking forgive equates to condoning.

Does it?

Absolutely not!

Forgive does NOT equate to condone.

Ever.

And just because you forgive someone does not mean you reconcile or re-establish a relationship with the person you’re forgiving.

Let’s look at their different definitions, as given in Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary:

Forgive—

1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (compensation or retaliation)

Condone—

: to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable or harmless.

: or dismiss as of little importance

 

Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines it as: to treat as if trivial, harmful, or of no importance.

So should you treat horrific behavior that demoralized or physically or emotionally harmed you as something you should condone, regardless of the offender’s relationship to you?

No.

But if we focus on the definition of forgive, and the critical reasons for it, we’ll be heading in the right direction.

 

The dangers of harboring resentment and having an unforgiving heart—

If you decide you can’t or won’t forgive someone, what’s the harm to you, or the other person?

Actually, there’s likely no harm to them. They’re usually not the ones suffering for their behavior.

But before we go one, let’s look at one more definition.

Resentment:

“… a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.”

I especially want you to focus on the persistent ill will part of the definition.

Continuous. Unrelenting. Never-ending. Ongoing.

In other words, something that nags at you. Affects your behavior and thoughts. Drags you down. Drives you nuts. Dogs you. And likely compromises your emotional and physical health.

And therein lies the problem.

The un-forgiver, not the perpetrator, is the one that suffers.

As the Grief Recovery Institute points out, and which is so true and substantiated by life and Scripture, is that:

 

“Any resentment etched into the memory of events that occurred in the past will limit and restrict [your] ability to participate fully in life. Any reminder of the person or event about which the resentment exists may stimulate a painful reliving of the unfinished emotions attached to it. Successful recovery requires completion of the pain rather than retention of the resentment.” (my italics)

 

By clutching on to your resentment, you’re forever reliving the perpetrator’s act and re-experiencing the pain.

And if the perpetrator has died, constantly reliving it—and feeling all the pain and anger surrounding it—doesn’t hurt the deceased person. It only hurts you.

You’re hurting you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again.

If that’s what’s happening, it’s impossible for you to live a life of joy and healthy productivity.

You won’t thrive.

There’s no debating that sometimes people’s actions are insensitive, careless, thoughtless, mean, vengeful or downright evil. But if you don’t forgive them, you will never be truly free mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually.

May I be blunt?

Forgiveness should not be looked upon as the “F” word.

 

Forgiveness is often an action first, feeling second—

Sometimes you may feel compelled to offer someone forgiveness. Your heart just feels as though it’s overflowing with mercy and grace.

Other times, not so much.

In those difficult, not-so-much times, consider forgiveness to be the first-step action. Then, if your forgiveness is sincere and verbally stated, the feelings will follow.

Just hearing yourself say “I forgive you for…” out loud is enough to change your heart and mind as your action and words form an imprint on your brain.

It breaks open that dam holding in the stagnant resentment and lets it escape.

It cleanses your heart. It prompts healing to occur. It reduces physical, emotional and spiritual stress.

You can extend forgiveness for something someone did or for something they did not do.

 

I can forgive my father for not telling me how radiant I was on my wedding day, insisting that I focus on my mother and tell her how lovely she looked. But it wasn’t her day. It was mine. Neither of them seemed to appreciate that. When I descended the church stairs to take my dad’s arm and begin the processional, that was the comment he hit me with.

It broke my heart.

But his thoughtlessness didn’t need to break my heart for the rest of my life.

He never realized or acknowledged his omission or commission, so I didn’t confront him or ask for his forgiveness (a subject we’ll get to in just a minute), but I have made a forgiving statement directed toward his memory out loud and to my husband, because it’s important for someone else to hear it (a subject we’ll also cover in more detail in other posts).

It frees my heart to let that go. And it gives me extra real estate in my brain to construct happy memories.

And there are many other, more grievous events and words, I have forgiven both my parents for.

 

What about “I can forgive, but I can’t forget”?

Because their thoughts on this are so clear, true and concise, I’m going to quote Grief Recovery Institute.

 

“The implication of “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that “since I cannot forget, I will not forgive. The real questions are: Who stays an emotional prison cell? Who continues to resent and shut down their own mind, body, and heart? Whose life is limited by the absence of forgiveness?”

 

Clearly, the perpetrator is not the one suffering.

 

Should you ask a living person for forgiveness?

While asking for forgiveness and giving an apology seem identical, they’re really not. Let’s look closely at the two.

When you focus on giving an apology, you’re recognizing and admitting to your poor or grievous behavior and taking full responsibility for it.

And you’re leaving the forgiveness up to the person you’ve harmed, which is their right to give, or not.

However, when you approach the problem and person with: “Please forgive me for…” you’re already telling them you have an expectation for their reciprocating behavior. It’s really a manipulative technique, and one that puts the potential forgiver in an uncomfortable situation.

And they may say they forgive you without really meaning it.

 

I once had a friend say to me: “You’ll need to extend me grace on that,” when I said to her “I haven’t seen you in a while,” at a wedding reception. It struck me as an odd, somewhat flippant comment that was intended to shut down any further discussion about it. And she said it with a smile, which told me she really wasn’t apologizing for her silence.

I hadn’t said it with an accusatory tone, or even expected any explanation. I just nodded.

 

Don’t ask the person to do something that you need to do, with forthrightness and conviction. Take action, and allow the other person time to consider your actions.

After offering an apology for the specific action or inaction, you might follow up by saying, “I hope you can forgive me.” Then leave it up to them.

 

Should you tell someone you’ve forgiven her when she hasn’t apologized?

Telling someone you forgive them when they haven’t apologized is a danger to be avoided at all cost.

Why?

Because your statement is likely to be considered an attack.

And if they haven’t apologized, the person you’ve forgiven doesn’t need to know you’ve forgiven them.

This is what happens in forgiving someone who is deceased. You won’t be speaking directly to them, so they won’t know. You’ll know.

And that’s enough.

 

Don’t be trapped in your past by an unforgiving heart—

Again, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re condoning bad or dangerous behavior.

It’s disengaging your heart from the ugly past and allowing yourself to move forward, fully engaged in and with life.

It’s the best way to “let go.” To “cease to feel resentment.”

It gives you your best shot at a thriving, healthy life!

 

How does God fit in to forgiveness?

I love knowing that when I repent, God forgives me. And I remember that He promises that as far as the east is from the west, He will remember my sin no more. That gives me comfort and the impetus to repent and feel cleansed.

While we’re human, and it seems impossible for us to cast away our memories, remember that nothing is impossible with God. If you’re having difficulty in this area, ask Him for help. He’ll faithfully provide.

And we can remember what our precious Lord Jesus had to say about this when He taught the disciples to pray to the Father:

“…forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

That section of what is commonly referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer” always gives me pause and makes me ask myself:

“Is there anyone I haven’t forgiven?”

If I have not—and I don’t—then I stifle my relationship with God. I don’t and can’t receive all the blessings He has for me. I tie His hands from giving them to me.

Am I willing to put a wedge between God and me, just to hang onto my justified resentment? To forgo His blessings and hamper our relationship?

I think not.

I hope not.

Jesus had something else to say about this forgiveness stuff and how important it is to God and your relationship with Him. In Matthew 5, verses 23 and 24, He instructs His followers:

 

“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God” (The Message).

 

If forgiveness is important to God, it should be important to us.

Does that make it easy? No. We’re human. It’s hard.

But remembering what the Lord spoke on the cross, when He asked the Father to forgive the people who put Him to death because they didn’t know what they were doing, should make it easier.

I hope you can and will use Jesus as your example when freely offering forgiveness to others, no matter what their sin.

Countless lives have been destroyed or rendered fruitless and pain-riddled by the inability or stubborn refusal to complete their relationships with past painful events, by refusing to forgive and free themselves from the events.

Please don’t let that be you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invitation—
  1. Is there anyone in your life you know you’ve harmed by a careless word or deed that you need to apologize to?
  2. Has anyone harmed you and hasn’t apologized for the harm they did?
  3. Who and what is that harm? What kind of effect did it have on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
  4. If the person is alive, and you haven’t yet forgiven them, I invite you to pray for them. It’s very difficult, if not nearly impossible, to feel anger toward a person you’re praying for. Start there, and you may find it easier to move to the forgiveness stage.
  5. Think and pray about how un-forgiveness has affected your life, is affecting it now. Ask yourself if you really want to continue living with the grudge you’re holding.
  6. Has anyone asked for your forgiveness and you really haven’t given it? Why not? What steps could you take today to make that happen, to free your soul?
  7. If the person is deceased, write down specific “I forgive you for…” and “I’m sorry for…” statements to that person. Be specific. Openly state your misdeed. We’ll use these when we write the complete Relationship Review letter in a few weeks.

 

Before you go, enjoy the songs by Matthew West and Kevin LeVar.

 

 NEXT WEEK: a look at significant emotional statements and how they fit into the relationship review and grief completion.

Until then,

Remember that forgiving is not condoning; and err on the side of forgiveness. For your sake.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.