DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?
Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first list of suggestions, see last week’s post: “Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief Part I”.
Don’t be afraid to name names—
Although it’s tempting to tiptoe around using a deceased person’s name, it’s best that you not fear using the deceased person’s name, even if it triggers tears in the grieving person. If you knew the deceased, let the grieving person know how much you’ll miss their loved one or friend. Just offering a comment, like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” can sound impersonal. If you’re sorry, say it, but also identify the person by name. Validate that the person hasn’t disappeared from the grieving person’s conscientious, even though they are out of their daily life.
For years—more than sixty, to be more specific—my mother referred to my older sister, her first baby, who died in utero due to umbilical cord strangulation, as “that baby.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—identify her by name. As though it hurt less to name her or think of her as a real human being.
I always refer to my older sister—who I have never met—as “Cheryl,” which is what they named her. Cheryl Ray Arthur.
I always say my deceased baby’s name when referring to her—Victoria. Of course, I held her in my arms and loved her for a brief day. Something my mother wasn’t given the option to do. My dad made the decision to not allow my mom to see her. I know he was probably trying to protect my mom, but I’m sure it didn’t help in the grieving process—to not be able to hold the baby you’d carried and felt for nearly nine months. Doctors and nurses are now wiser about such things.
Go beyond the general question—
Think of asking something deeper than “How are you?”
I know. It’s the easiest, most common question to ask a grieving person. But the answer is usually pretty obvious. They’re not doing well. From a really close friend, it might sound sincere. But more often it sounds more like an everyday, pat question.
Instead, try digging deeper into their feelings, with a question like: “How are you feeling today?” Or “Is today a good day or a rough day?” And then let them open up. Or not.
Be sure to offer the grieving person hope—
This is great advice, as long as you don’t venture into making pat comments like “It was God’s will,” or “It must have been for the best.” If the grieving person offers these comments first—as many will do after watching a loved one deteriorate and suffer with cancer—then you may feel freer to agree with them. You might even feel free to rejoice with them that their loved one is no longer suffering.
But the best advice is to let them take the lead. And assure them that as bad as it feels right now, as black as the valley feels, they will get through it. At the same time, assure them that it’s okay to grieve, and that everyone grieves at their own pace. Encourage them to not allow others to push them along, or pay heed to those that tell them to be tough, to pull them up by their bootstraps and get on with life.
Assure them that others will be by their side as much or as little as they want as they walk the path of grief. Encouraging them to join a grief group, or take them to one, can also be helpful and feel supportive. Being with others who are suffering through the loss of a loved one can be encouraging. It goes a long way to not feel so alone.
When you first experience the pain of loss, you’re tempted to feel as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the pain you’re going through. Hearing others talk about their pain can help soothe your throbbing heart.
We’ll leave it there for today, but next week we’ll have more tips on helping others manage their grief as they slog through the holidays.
Until then, hold your loved ones closely and rejoice over the time you have with them, not matter how limited that time may be.
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.