Grief Recovery – Andrea Arthur Owan

When Positivity Harms Mental and Physical Health

The world has been focusing on positivity a long time, and there’s abundant research proving its benefits. But is it possible there’s a dark side to all that positivity?

Evidently the answer is “yes,” and it’s been given a name—toxic positivity.

Definition of Toxic Positivity—

While there are different definitions (I provided one from What’s Your Grief? in my last two blog posts), today I’ll give you the definition I found on thepsychologygroup.com website.

“The overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”

As they point out, when anything is carried to the extreme, a problem emerges. In this case, the problem occurs when forcing positive “vibes” and positive thinking and focusing only on positive platitudes can cause you to silence, cover up or deny human emotion and experience. Yours, or someone else’s.

It becomes detrimental and unhealthy—physically, emotionally and spiritually.

What does toxic positivity look like?

How do you know if you’re forcing yourself to be positive or trying to push someone else this direction?

Here are some clues and red flags:

When you try to hide or mask your true feelings.
When you don’t allow someone else to express her true feelings.
When you try to convince yourself that you just need to push ahead and get on with life; when you stuff or dismiss an emotion.
When you tease, ridicule, or dismiss someone else’s emotion.
You force-feed yourself positive statements to cover your emotions, which are likely the opposite of the positive statements.
You force-feed others positive statements, to get them to “cheer up,” when the circumstances don’t warrant cheering.
Trying too hard to change your perspective on an event that has hurt you.
Trying to change someone else’s perspective on an event, especially when they have not asked for your perspective.
Internally shaming yourself for feeling a certain way.
Shaming others for their feelings, either by verbal digs, dismissive words, or negative body language. (Some would now label that behavior as “micro-aggression.”)
Trying to brush off events and feelings that bother you or others with statements like “It is what it is,” or “It could be worse,” or “Look at the bright side.”

Certainly there are times when events cause jarring or overwhelming emotions that, if we latch onto them too hard and for too long, can cause physical, emotional and spiritual problems. But that’s not what I’m addressing here.

I’m focusing on those hasty comments made without really listening to yourself or others and trying to identify the emotion and figure out where it’s coming from. What the source is.

Why Toxic Positivity is Bad for Your Health—

Just was gratefulness and a positive life outlook can be beneficial to your health, swinging the pendulum too far that direction can have negative health consequences.

When you force a positive outlook on pain—the kind of pain that affects you physically, emotionally and spiritually—you’re telling yourself or others to keep silent about your, or their struggles. Sadly, this is often a problem among believers.

When you shut someone down from expressing their heart, you cast a shadow of shame on them. And that forces them to retreat into silence and secrecy, and possibly self-judgment and self-condemnation. They feel condemned by your response. And that often leads to a breakdown in physical, emotional and spiritual health.

They end up internalizing that pain along with the judgment. And that’s a recipe for potential health disaster.

Some dangers of hiding emotions—

Hiding and internalizing emotions or dismissing feelings and lead to a host of problems, like:

Increased body stress and inflammation
Increased difficulty avoiding stressful thoughts
Increased psychological arousal
Increased depression
Increased anxiety and obsessive behaviors
Fear
Physical illness and disease, like cancers, PTSD, etc.
Increased self-isolation and avoidance
Shutting down
Stress of keeping up a fake persona
Loss of connection to others, and to ourselves
Emotional and physical burnout
Damage to the human spirit

What helps relieve emotional stress?

One study conducted by researchers found that when people were allowed and encouraged to express themselves through emotional and whole body responses—like facial expressions, crying, and verbal responses—they were able to relieve the internal stress they were experiencing.

The group not allowed to be free with their expressions had higher levels of internal physiological response. Meaning? What these people weren’t allowed to “get out” made them erupt on the inside.

That may be one of the reasons that people living with volatile individuals who are verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive have a reduced life span. They’re more prone to heart problems and other physically debilitating diseases. Scientists believe it may be the hormone cortisol that’s responsible for the health breakdown. A little of it’s good. Too much of it is damaging.

Much more recent studies indicate that people’s responses to others’ emotions make our own emotional response even more complicated.

Is shame ever good?

The question always comes up: Is shame ever a good thing?

Yes!

Shame can be necessary and productive when you’ve harmed someone emotionally, physically or spiritually. When you know you’ve sinned or done wrong and need to repent for your trespass. When your shame drives you to apologize, so a relationship can be restored.

Remember what the Apostle Paul tells us: it’s okay to get angry, but make sure you don’t sin in the expression of that anger.

Caveat—

Again, I want to say I am not talking about verbalizing EVERY feeling you experience, like lashing out in anger, having emotional outbursts, making sure everyone you encounter knows exactly how you feel about something. That’s just as unhealthy, usually more so for the recipient of your wrath.

I’m talking about feelings and emotions stemming from grief, trauma, honest disappointment, breaking of trust. Those types of events and triggers.

Wrap-up—

While I encourage everyone to be grateful, positive and hopeful, (more on hopeful in future blog posts), I encourage you to take a step back from that thinking and examine your feelings, and listen to others express theirs before making a judgment call or voicing a quick, positive opinion or offering positive-thinking advice—telling someone how they should think or respond.

That’s the loving thing to do for others, and for you.

Invitation—

Think back to times when you expressed your feelings to someone and felt those feelings were quickly dismissed or steered another—happier—direction. How did that make you feel?
When your feelings were dismissed, were you able to lovingly tell the offender how their response made them feel, or did you withdraw and then avoid talking about your pain?
Are you still withdrawing, or avoiding that person or avoiding expressing your feelings to them? Did you lose trust in them?
What helps you validate your feelings and express them honestly (not forcefully)?

Next week we’ll be finishing up this series with more examples of toxic statements, taking a mental inventory of whether we’ve been obnoxious offenders in response to someone’s expressions, and look at good, healthful ways to respond to hurtful people. And learn how to validate our own emotions.

Until then, be slow to anger, slow to speak and longsuffering. When you do respond, carefully choose your words.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Toxic Positivity and Grief

Have you ever revealed your deepest grief pain to someone only to have her give you an immediate comeback of super-positive or upbeat thinking they believe you should focus on? Something to get you over your slump?

What they may be guilty of is toxic positivity.

While there is no question that being positive and grateful is good for the brain and good for you physically and emotionally, it sometimes does more harm than good when you’re mired deeply in grief, and you’re nursing a raw heart.

Thinking back—

Do you remember a time when someone responded in a nauseatingly positive way when all you wanted to do was share your heart’s pain and have a listening heart hear it?

How did it make you feel?

I remember a lot of overly upbeat sentiments after my daughter’s death. And I remember the effect they had.

Shame.
Embarrassment.
A sense of lacking, or being inadequate.
Betrayed.
Devastated.
Misunderstood.
Anger.

The emotions list could go on and on.

Instead of encouraging me, most of the responses made me retreat into myself and believe that people couldn’t relate to my pain, didn’t want to relate to it, and were eager to have me get back to life and living.

My pain made them uncomfortable.

So I really shouldn’t share it.

Biggest culprits—

Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, Christians are often the biggest culprits of toxic positivity. They’re too quick to recite Bible passages meant to encourage the griever. To put their grief in God’s perspective. (As if the griever were ignorant about all those passages.)

While their hearts might be in the right place, often their mouths aren’t. They aren’t listening with their hearts.

And now the hard question: Are you guilty of doing that to someone?

Yes, there are many, many Bible passages exhorting us to lift one another up, but there is also that big one that tells us that we need to “weep with those who are weeping.”

In order to weep with someone, we need to listen deeply, and weep. And hold. And then, when the griever’s heart is receptive, encourage with more upbeat passages and thinking.

We need to be available to walk alongside them in their grief and trauma, not rush ahead, drag them forward, or get behind them and push.

But I don’t want us to get way ahead of ourselves here. I want to take time to explore this, so we can really learn and heighten our sensitivities and hone our responses to broken, hurting hearts.

What’s ahead—

I’m going to take the entire month of February to cover this new, hot topic, which you may have heard about. This month we’ll:

Define toxic positivity.
Give you examples of it.
Give you ways to deal with and respond to it (if the damaged griever).
Help you develop good handholding and empathy skills.
Discuss the benefits of helpful positivity and how to incorporate that into your life—at the right time.

Toxic positivity definition—

But for today, let’s just start with the current definition of toxic positivity.

While there is no psychological category for it, nor is there a formal diagnosis, the group at What’s Your Grief? provide this definition:

“Toxic positivity is promoting the ideal or goal that, no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy or optimistic mindset.”

In other words, “Happy, happy, happy!’ at all times, and in all things.

Is there anything wrong with this?

Well, no, and yes.

And that’s what we’re going to be exploring this month. In small, helpful, bite-size increments. Helpful for the griever, and the one the griever seeks support and empathy from.

Hope you can join me!

Invitation—

For this week, meditate on the toxic positivity definition. See where your thoughts take you on this. Maybe jot down some times you’ve experienced toxic positivity from a well—meaning friend, or when you think you’ve been guilty of it.

On a side note: After a bout with COVID right at the beginning of the New Year, it’s good to be teaching and mentoring again!

And for those of you who are caregivers, check out Guideposts’ bi-monthly devotional Strength and Grace for daily, uplifting devotions to help caregivers as they minister to and care for aging parents, patients, and family members struggling with mental illness, like dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s a joy to be a member of the writing team contributing to this magazine. For more information, go to Guideposts.org.

Blessings,

Andrea

“I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part 2

HOW ARE YOU at completing what you started, taking it all the way to the end? Would you say you’re a great starter, AND a great finisher? Or are you better at getting all excited about starting something, delving into it, only to find yourself fizzling out and leaving it undone?

I confess I’m a better starter than finisher. I usually burn up all my enthusiasm and energy for a project before putting the finishing touches of completion on it. All I have to do is glance around my house to prove it. Or open a craft box. (To my joy, many of those years-left-partially-finished-and-undone projects were recently completed. Hallelujah! But I had to really give myself a lot of pep talks and fanny kicking to do them.)

Complicate the matter with my ADD tendencies, and the fact that I often have too many projects going at one time, and you have a recipe for lots of starts but few completions.

But after a project is really finished, it feels soooo good. Not only does the project look and feel completed, and gives me pleasure, but I kind of feel completed too. Really satisfied. And better. Looking at undone projects depresses me, and makes me feel a little tarnished, like the threads of my life are hanging frayed and knotted.

Grief and grieving can follow the same course.

But just how do we ensure that we complete the grieving well and don’t leave any suppressed grief festering in our souls?

The “How” of Grief Recovery and Completion—

If statistics are correct, we are people who love to learn how to do things. We constantly search “How to” do this or that on the Internet. We want to learn, so we can accomplish things, grow, share our new knowledge and achieve. Change.

But as much as we want to be able to get through the grief we didn’t start on purpose, we don’t always ask “How?” or know what steps we should take to finish the grief, or complete it. Deep in our hearts, we still feel as though something’s not quite finished with the grieving process.

Last week we started our discussion on the grief completion process, and I introduced the term and idea of using a relationship review to help with that completion. Before we move on, though, let’s review the Grief Recovery Institute’s definition of completion.

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”

Sounds simple, straightforward and easy enough, doesn’t it?

But maybe it’s not.

Like any project we endeavor to start and complete, there are steps we need to take to get it done. We usually can’t do the steps out of order, and we sometimes need to wait patiently for one step to be completed (maybe dry or cure) before moving onto the next one. And if we bungle one, sometimes we need to tamp down our frustration, back up, and redo it. Otherwise the finished product looks kind of crummy and unfinished.

**What’s involved in grief completion?**

Again, before we move on, let’s review the truths of this completion definition.

Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotionsthat have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.

Grief completion is the process you go through. It’s where you dig deeply into your heart and memory banks to find and expose those emotions that naturally accompany any relationship. The emotions you buried or were lying dormant.

The emotions that brought you joy.

The emotions that brought you pain.

The emotions you felt guilty for having.

The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.

Through that act of discovery—identifying those honest emotions and expressing them—you move forward to completing your grief. Putting yourself back together, to be whole and thrive.

And the means by which we can do this is the relationship review.

What is a relationship review?

A relationship review happens when we dig down deep and draw out and express those emotions we had, and may still have, surrounding a relationship and its loss.

Happy emotions. Sad emotions. Regretful or guilty emotions. Unfinished emotions.

Emotions directly related to your relationship with the person, job, or pet you lost.

The family member that died. The house and community you had to leave. The beloved pet you had to put down. The job you walked away from, or lost. The friend that decided they no longer valued you or your friendship and said goodbye.

Those are the emotions swirling around what you wished could or would have been different, better, or more about the relationship. Unrealized hopes and dreams about the future. The ones you had to say goodbye to or walk away from.

The discovery of those emotions can be used to complete what is emotionally unfinished.

Who’s responsible for making the correct action choices?

In spite of exhaustion or a desire to ignore and hope it goes away, it is the griever who needs to take these decisive actions. A concerned friend or family member can’t do it for them. While you may suggest and encourage, go first, or walk alongside, or be a listening ear, you cannot force or do.

You cannot complete this difficult project for them.

Recovery from grief or loss is achieved by a series of steps—small and correct actions—made by the griever.

Each griever had his or her own unique relationship with the person, family, pet, or circumstance. The actions they take are entirely about their relationship—not anyone else’s—with those people or things.

Other people’s relationship emotions must not be planted into the griever’s mind.

And therein lies the danger of sharing your emotions with family members.

While some siblings or other family survivors are good, sympathetic listeners, others may try to guide, put down or dismiss another survivor’s emotions. This only causes a griever to clam up, shut down, and then never revisit the grief. Or, they might claim others’ expressed emotions as their own.

All these things must be guarded against, which is why joining a grief group, or connecting with someone trained in the process can be so helpful and effective. You feel freer to really bare and share your heart and all those emotions. You won’t need to worry about being judged, criticized or belittled for your feelings or voiced expressions.

When to begin the relationship review in the grieving process?

It is never too late to do a relationship review. If you feel stuck in grief or that you have unfinished relationship or circumstance emotions you never addressed, the review is helpful.

And there is no perfect time to begin the relationship review, although the sooner you start after the acute pain wears off is a good time. Sometimes it’s when you just feel and know it’s right to venture into the waters.

But watch out for negative grief influences!

What might hamper a relationship review?

Our Western world tends to look down on “sad” emotions. We negate emotional pain and suffering and tuck it into the “weak” category.

You may have been influenced by this pervasive thought and feel self-conscious or fearful of baring those different, more, and better thoughts and feelings.

Again, this is where a grief group or knowledgeable and sympathetic guide can be helpful.

Other things that might hamper a relationship review are myths, like saying everybody dies eventually. Or just pull yourself by your bootstraps and move on. Don’t feel bad, as though feeling bad is evil. Or believing if you just stay busy enough it won’t hurt as much, or it will go away.

None of those beliefs or tactics work. In fact, they can be detrimental to healing.

How to embark on a relationship review—

The first thing to remember is that all grief is experienced at 100 percent. Everyone experiences a loss at her own level of intensity. And that level is usually based on the uniqueness of the relationship.

While I am still suffering the loss of a dear friend and confidante, my friend’s husband and children are suffering in infinitely different and deeper ways. I must be very careful not to compare my suffering with theirs, or presume to know how each of them is feeling.

Like the physical effects they might be experiencing.

The physical effects of grief—

Grief fills up your entire being. No part of your body, soul, mind or spirit is left untouched. That’s why you can feel physically ill and in real pain. Just look what WebMD had to say about the physical effects of grief in a July 2019 article.

“A range of studies reveal the powerful effects grief can have on the body. Grief increases inflammation, which can worsen health problems you already have and cause new ones. It batters the immune system, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection. The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes “broken heart syndrome,” a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.”

Several weeks after my father died, my family went on a ski trip. I thought I was “managing” my grief, until the night I suddenly and unexpectedly had a rapid heart rate and started hyperventilating and had to lie down on the floor. For a moment I thought I might be experiencing a heart attack, until my mind landed on what was really going on.

A panic attack.

My body was reacting to my grief, throwing out symptoms of my pain. My heart muscle and lungs were suffering right along with my mind. After several minutes of controlled breathing and relaxation techniques, my heart calmed down and my breathing normalized.

A warning sign that things still were not well. I needed to continue the healing process.

The dangers of trying to intellectualize death and grief—

Ever have the question “Why?” run through your mind after a loved one dies?

What seems like an intellectual reaction is actually more an emotional lamentation.

Before you try to answer that question of why with a scientific explanation, it’s better to examine the real question. And sometimes, even after all the scientific evaluation is done and satisfied, the answer to that question is: “I don’t know why.”

So be careful of trying to shift your or a griever’s responses away from emotions and toward intellectual reasoning.

You want to maintain safety of expression so you, or the griever, can tell the emotional truth. You’re angry. You’re feeling upended and lost. Your heart feels splintered, or aches to the point of bursting. You’re upset about something the person said to you before they died. Or didn’t say. The way the whole thing happened.

When do feelings of loss end?

Don’t expect your grief feelings to end right after the funeral or memorial service. Feelings continue. Sometimes for a long time.

It’s never too late to review and address the emotions that pop into your mind and heart.

As Amy Davis, a recovered griever who was quoted in the WebMD article noted about grief:

“Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down….you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”

Right on, Amy!

Invitation—

Who in your life would make an ideal grief listener? Someone you could share your innermost feelings with and not be made to feel weak or bad after voicing those emotions.

Is there a grief group in your area or online that you could access, to honestly share your pain?

How do you think you could benefit from it?

NEXT WEEK we’ll take a step further in undertaking a relationship review by looking at the initial questions to ask yourself and examining the emotional energy checklist.

Until then, don’t hide from your grief or try to wish it away, or cover it up with busyness. As Amy Davis said, “Lean into it.” If you take the right steps and make productive choices, you can and will thrive again!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part I

When you’ve been dropkicked into grief, you’re usually stunned by the intense pain—the fear, the deep heartache, the feeling that all your insides have been ripped out and you’re bleeding internally. And one of the first questions going through your mind is:

How am I going to survive this?

Because acute grief leads you to believe that what you’re experiencing isn’t survivable.

I think what we’re really asking ourselves, though, is: How, exactly, does one grieve? What does the grief process look like? How do I know if I’m doing this right? How do I do it right?

Will I ever recover?

While there’s still a debate on whether or not someone truly recovers from grief (based on the pure definition of “recovery”), there are steps we can take to complete our intense grieving, and heal so we can return to a normal, fulfilling life after a loss.

It is the process or path to grief completion that can help us get there.

What is grief completion?

When we complete something, we bring it to a close or conclusion. A wrap-up. If we understand that grief is an emotion—often intense, overwhelming and paralyzing—we can better understand that grief is a valley we can and should walk through with a goal to arrive on the other side, into a brighter day.

According to the Grief Recovery Institute, their definition of [grief] completion is:

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”

Examine that definition closely and pull it apart to understand each intricate part.

Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotions that have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.

The emotions that brought you joy.

The emotions that brought you pain.

The emotions you felt guilty for having.

The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.

Death, divorce, friendship loss, job loss, pet loss, moving, and other “loss” all bring with them emotional upheavals that often don’t get addressed adequately. Emotions over things that did happen. Emotions over things that didn’t.

Those deeply buried, undelivered emotions are the components of grief that can leave us stuck in our healing process.

Can you “recover” from grief?

When we’re grieving, we wonder if we’ll ever be able to enjoy life again. We wonder if things will ever get any better.

As I asked above: Will we recover?

The answer, I believe, is yes—and no.

If you will allow me to use a physical injury as my first example, I’ll explain.

When an athlete was injured, my first responsibility was to determine the exact injury and its degree, or seriousness. Knowing the degree determined how I approached treatment and prescribed steps to adequate healing. Depending upon the tissue injured—skin, bone, soft tissue, nerve, etc.—a mild injury usually healed well and completely within two to six weeks, maybe sooner. IF the athlete followed treatment and recovery protocol.

For more serious injuries, more time and more complex treatment would be ordered, and the athlete’s condition and adherence to treatment played a big role in how that recovery went. Some athletes required surgery, which made full recovery even more complex. And sometimes impossible.

Yes, impossible.

When I fractured my leg during a championship meet, it was a complex fracture requiring careful treatment. Unfortunately, the doctors caring for me didn’t do the best job devising an adequate treatment plan. Surgery was offered, which I accepted. And then the doctor said he didn’t want to do surgery, and cited numerous reasons why. One doctor said he’d never seen a fracture like that before and didn’t know what to do. So they casted me for six weeks and then set up a treatment regimen.

I followed their treatment protocol, which wasn’t too specific, outside wearing my cast and staying on my crutches. And then some basic rehab, which involved whirlpool range of motion exercises. But that, it turns out, wasn’t adequate treatment for my type of fracture—one that was eventually written up in a journal for its oddity and difficulty treating.

Fast forward 43 years and 7 re-fractures later, and I’m still having difficulty with my right leg. The bone never healed straight enough, and I now have a leg length difference between my right and left leg due to the angle my leg takes when I walk.

If I go strictly by the definition of “recovery”—“to return to a normal state of health, mind or strength,” I would have to say I have not fully recovered from that injury. Not counting the age factor, I can’t do the things I used to do. I couldn’t do them right after the injury. And I could never return to doing them because of it.

Life is different.

The initial pain was so gut wrenching I would have been happy to be put out of my misery. Put down like some damaged racehorse. But eventually things got better, and the pain wasn’t as acute. And I am able to do a lot of physical activity, for which I’m grateful.

But all these years later, my brain is sometimes teased by regrets, and what used to be. And maybe what could have been. Especially when I have to think twice or three times about whether or not I should attempt a certain ski run, or hang up my downhill skis and turn exclusively to cross-country skiing now. And those thoughts sometimes trigger strong emotions, regrets and grief. It’s funny what can trigger grief’s return.

But now it’s not as gut-level painful. Instead, memories trigger a dull regret or sadness.

And it’s much the same when I think about our daughter, Victoria, and her death.

I thought the initial grief pain would kill me. Sometimes I hoped it would. But as I traversed the grieving process, the visceral pain and heartache became less intense. Twenty-seven years later the sadness still lingers, but I’m no longer living in it moment-by-moment.

Did life return to a state of normal for me? No. Life is different. Much different than it would be if our precious girl had survived.

But I’ve completed my grieving. I’m no longer suffering that deep anguish and fear. I’ve returned to a full life of joy and purpose.

And that’s the point and goal of grief completion.

What to do with those unfinished or undelivered emotions?

These unfinished emotions are often what cause us the most anguish. The thoughts of “what if.” The words left unspoken; the planned events cancelled. The holidays where someone is missing. The interactions that will never take place.

As much as we hope or intend to, it’s nearly impossible for our relationships or circumstances to end without those relationships containing some unfinished or undelivered emotions. Because our thoughts, opinions, and feelings about people and things change so often, our relationships are prone to constant minor and major shifts.

And because we can’t erase our emotional memories, we relive emotions—happy, warm or regretful—about an event or person throughout our lives. Indeed, grief can be re-triggered by dates, anniversaries, general event and location memories. Special music.

But there is a way to uncover those emotions, bring them into the light and understand them better. Confront them and take active action steps toward healing.

And one of the first things you can do is a relationship review.

What is a relationship review?

A relationship review often happens automatically after a loss. Have you ever sat around at a memorial luncheon, reminiscing about the person you’re honoring? Telling funny stories. Sharing memories.

That’s a basic relationship review. You’re sharing thoughts about the person’s relationship and interactions with you, and others are sharing their relationship to them. It helps keep the person’s memory alive and helps you advance into the grief completion process.

But you can, and should, go deeper with this process.

And that’s what we’ll delve into next week. How a relationship review can help us uncover the things we wished had been different. The things we wished had been better, the things we wished we could have enjoyed more of.

Discovering those wishes and thoughts can help us complete was is emotionally unfinished.

It’s all about small and correct action choices a grieving person takes to heal. Without them, we risk stunting our grieving and growth.

So let’s not think of grief recovery as getting to a time where we don’t remember our loved ones and never feel remorse over their death or estrangement from us, over no longer sharing life with them.

While the acute mourning eventually subsides, the memories and occasional melancholy linger.

And that’s okay.

Sigmund Freud had something to say about how the death of a loved one affects us.

“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually that is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.” Letter from Sigmund Freud to Ludwig Binswanger, April 11, 1929

Invitation—

If you’re in the midst of grief, or if you feel as though you haven’t fully completed a grieving process, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions about the emotions you’re experiencing from your loss and maybe jot them down. We’ll use them in future sessions.

What emotions that came along with the loss brought/bring you joy?
What emotions brought/bring you pain?
What emotions did/do you feel guilty for having?
What emotions did you want to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t?

NEXT WEEK we’ll explore more of what a relationship review entails and the questions to ask yourself in prompting a review to uncover all that emotional energy behind grieving.

Until then, be safe, be kind to yourself and others, and don’t be afraid to lean into your grieving.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people recover from grief, loss and trauma, and to thrive — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Shock of Grief: Grieving the Death of a Friend

I’ve encountered a lot of grief in my life, but it’s always just as horrible when it happens again, and especially when it happens unexpectedly. Sudden, unexpected grief leaves you in shock, like your insides have been gutted, your nerves have been supercharged to numbness, and your life energy has been vacuumed away.

Life seems instantly duller, and you aren’t quite sure how you’re going to go on. Everything—even making decisions—requires more energy, and you find you need to sleep more. If you can sleep. Otherwise you shuffle around in a perennial state of exhaustion.

That’s what happened to me on the afternoon of Sunday, July 19, when I called a local hospital to speak with a friend who was there awaiting heart valve replacement surgery the following day. When I asked to speak with my friend Carmen, the nurse asked me to hold a minute. Then another nurse came on the line and asked how she could help me.

In the pit of my stomach, I knew something was amiss.

When I repeated the same request to her, a pause followed. A long-enough pause to make my heart speed up a little. But then her answer made my heart race and my gut ache. Even while knowing, I hoped it wasn’t true.

“Carmen is no longer a patient in our hospital.”

I was politely told I’d have to contact her family for more information.

Terror and pain assailed my senses as I called her husband and received confirmation of my deepest fear.

My beloved friend had gone into sudden cardiac arrest around 3:00 AM and been given a direct flight to heaven.

The world instantly felt duller without her in it.

So now I’m limping along, trying to follow the playbook and do everything I teach you and my clients to do:

Lean into my emotions.
Write those emotions down and try to understand them.
Get exercise, even though that may the last thing on my mind.
Eat right, since eating doesn’t sound appealing right now.
Get plenty of sleep; and take naps when slogging through the afternoon seems an exercise in futility and won’t improve anything anyway.
Remind myself that staying busy isn’t going to make this better.
Talk about my loved one with family and friends. (My children have been great, passionate, and sympathetic listeners!)
Cry on my shoulder or in his arms. He knew her and is missing her too.
Give listening time to her husband and daughter. Just listen—and reminisce with them.
Write down what I would have liked to have been better about our friendship, what I would have liked more of; what I would have liked to do and know. What I liked best about our friendship and her.

Reminding myself that my friend confronted a lot of health hurdles, and this one was the latest and worst, helps me rejoice in her leaving us to enjoy her new home, where she is more alive than she’s ever been. And out of pain and sorrow.

But for now, I’m taking my own advice and working through this. To do that means I’m taking a two to three-week hiatus from my blogging. And in that period, my younger son has asked me to accompany him on a brief road trip to collect his new Shetland sheepdog puppy from a farm. I’m looking forward to the trip—to have coveted mother-son time and breathe a little.

But when I return, I’ll be right back here to help others navigate the grief valley and emerge from it recovered, healed, whole and read to thrive again.

Blessings,

Andrea

Aloha, my dear friend.

Until we meet again.