Grief Recovery Institute – Page 2

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part 4

APOLOGY. Defined by Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.”

Something some people wait a lifetime for and never receive.

But it’s a critical component of a grief recovery relationship review. Without it, your recovery won’t ever be truly complete.

And it comes first on the relationship review to-do list.

Apologies—

Heartfelt apologies need to be extended whether you’re apologizing for a sin of commission or omission, or just a plain discourtesy. I’m sure you can think of things you’ve said or done, or not said or done, that you know have been hurtful to others.

You need to apologize for what you wish you’d done or said differently.

The basics of apologies in grief or loss—

If the person you’ve wronged is still living, the apology may be done face-to-face. Sometimes that’s best. But sometimes it’s not possible, and a letter or phone call will suffice. Or an email, or text. But a call or letter is still a preferred method.

Some apologies can’t, or shouldn’t, be given directly, though. Here’s an example of an apology that shouldn’t be given directly.

Suppose you were gathering with friends and, in a fit of meanness, said some nasty things about a family member of yours. While your conscience about that infraction may suffer, it’s not recommended that you get your acquaintance on the phone and tell her what you’ve done, unless she finds out about your transgression through the gossip chain, of course. Then you’d want to seek her out and apologize.

However, it is important that you take that transgression to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your mean spirit. And you can always confide in someone close that you’ve said those things. Whichever way you choose to do it, it needs to be said to someone, out loud. Write it down and read it, or just speak it out during your prayer or meditation time.

You can think of an apology’s place in grief completion by remembering that:

“Completion is the result of the action of issuing an apology as a verbal statement, heard by at least one other person.” (Grief Recovery Institute)

Apologizing to someone who has died—

We tend to think and believe that death completes what’s left emotionally unfinished about the relationship. The person is gone, so the emotions about past events should end. Let bygones be bygones, right?

Not so. If anything, some of these left-undone emotions become stronger and more life disabling, especially if they’re not addressed and dealt with. Completed.

“We are unfinished in exactly those things that we realize never got said or heard.”

In the course of your grieving, you would likely uncover things that still need to be said, even if that person is gone or out of your life.

Death does not obliterate the need to put an end to what was left unfinished.

So if you’re grieving a death, all unfinished or unsaid emotional statements—think apologies, here—need to be spoken indirectly.

And in order for this relationship review completion to be effective, the apology needs to be spoken to another, trusted confidant.

**What an apology is not—**

I once had a loved one call me with an emotional plea of forgiveness, begging for reconciliation, after weeks (actually months) of leaving nasty phone messages on my phone about how horrible I was, didn’t do what I should be doing as far as she was concerned, and fell woefully short of her expectations.

You would have thought I was thrilled that she apologized without prompting.

Well, yes, and no.

While I was happy she was trying to reconcile, her “apology” wasn’t really an apology. Why?

She didn’t elaborate about what, exactly, she was apologizing for. She simply said, “I’m sorry.” And then added: “You’re all I have. I love you and want you back in my life.”

I should have known better, but without a lot of deep thought or enough prayer, I called her and told her I accepted her apology.

Bad move. And it has continued to cost me in the relationship.

What she was giving me was a desperate “I’m sorry” in order to try to patch up a relationship she felt she needed to patch up—so she wouldn’t be alone.

And I foolishly accepted it, without asking her what, specifically, she was apologizing for. And waiting for her to acknowledge and state it.

And that’s what a bona fide apology is: a statement stating specifically what you are sorry for—an honest and forthright elaboration of what you did wrong, didn’t do that you should have done, or wished you had done. It’s taking responsibility for your actions or inaction and speaking it out loud.

She manipulated me, and by my not pressing her for the details, I didn’t protect myself from future negative interactions. I should have told her how her behavior hurt me or set appropriate boundaries. But that’s another discussion.

An apology is not given to manipulate someone. It’s not a way to extract something you want from someone else.

If you’ve harmed someone, be honest about it. Acknowledging and stating what you’ve done or not done will help you be a more complete, at peace person. It’s a sign of character and maturity.

And remember, no one is obliged to accept an apology. The receiving person’s actions are up to them. It’s out of your control.

The objection is to complete the grief or loss, not manipulate.

Benefits of an apology to a living person—

A heartfelt apology can enhance and deepen a relationship, or expand one. And it clears the giver’s heart and brain of cobwebs.

Sometimes the relationship isn’t repaired or reconciled, but at least you know you’ve done your part and owned up to your shortcomings.

Benefits of an apology to a deceased person—

Plain and simply, the benefit is a clear heart.

Interestingly, one of the first things that floods your heart and mind following a loved one’s death is all the things you didn’t do that you know you should have or wished you had done, and all the things you know you did wrong in the relationship that you wished you’d apologized for.

It seems to hold true for any death, including pets.

For your parent, maybe you didn’t tell them you loved them enough. Didn’t visit enough; call enough. Didn’t tell them how much you appreciated their sacrifices for you.

For a pet, you’re sorry about not spending enough play time with them, not feeding them on time, not cleaning their cat box as often as you should have.

On August 22, when we had to help our younger son’s dog pass over the Rainbow Bridge, I warned my son about the myriad emotions he was likely to be slammed with as soon as the vet pronounced his dog, Hami, gone. “Don’t be surprised if you feel guilty for not having been here enough after leaving for college, for not walking him enough, for ignoring him.”

My 25-year old son nodded, as though he understood.

He didn’t.

One of his first comments to his dad right after Hami passed was: “I didn’t know I’d get swamped with so many emotions and feel so bad.”

He spent a good 15 minutes alone with his beloved dog, weeping, talking to him through his tears, apologizing, stroking and loving him some more. And then he wept again graveside as we prayed and talked about Hami’s wonderful qualities.

And he stood by Hami’s grave several more times, weeping and talking to Hami before leaving the next day to return to college.

And the four of us (his girlfriend included) sat around doing a relationship review of Hami and his life and the impact he had on all of us. Even our older son shared his thoughts and love via a text and phone call, to his brother and to me.

It helped us heal. We’re still healing, but the apologies have been said. And that’s helped our grief completion move forward, to completion.

Actions create completion—

Don’t be fooled. Time doesn’t create completion.

Actions do.

And you can tell whether or not a person has really completed a grief by the stories they tell.

If you hear them tell the same negative stories over and over and over about a deceased person or a severed friendship, or if they are constantly reviewing the relationship, you know their grief has not been completed.

They’re stuck.

Lack of completion compels them to repeat the story over and over.

Does life go on after death or loss?

Yes, life goes on.

There is some truth to believing that we shouldn’t dwell on a negative past.

The problem lies in that we are not usually taught how to move on in life, the constructive steps we need to take to move forward, to regain our footing and live full, productive and completely happy lives.

Apologizing is a critical action step. One we would all do well to learn and practice.

Invitation—

Is there someone you know you need to reach out to with an apology, in order to mend a relationship or clear your damaged heart?
Is there a deceased loved one you harmed that you owe an apology to? I invite you to note that harm or misdeed to use later in a full relationship review letter.
If you’re like me and were raised in a home where apologies were rarely uttered, then you might have difficulty apologizing or recognizing your need to do so. Ask a trusted friend if they notice that tendency in you. And then learn why it’s so important to offer an apology—what it does for you and the receiving person. I encourage you to start practicing it. In time, with practice, it gets easier. J

NEXT WEEK: Forgiveness as part of the complete relationship review.

See you next week!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part 2

HOW ARE YOU at completing what you started, taking it all the way to the end? Would you say you’re a great starter, AND a great finisher? Or are you better at getting all excited about starting something, delving into it, only to find yourself fizzling out and leaving it undone?

I confess I’m a better starter than finisher. I usually burn up all my enthusiasm and energy for a project before putting the finishing touches of completion on it. All I have to do is glance around my house to prove it. Or open a craft box. (To my joy, many of those years-left-partially-finished-and-undone projects were recently completed. Hallelujah! But I had to really give myself a lot of pep talks and fanny kicking to do them.)

Complicate the matter with my ADD tendencies, and the fact that I often have too many projects going at one time, and you have a recipe for lots of starts but few completions.

But after a project is really finished, it feels soooo good. Not only does the project look and feel completed, and gives me pleasure, but I kind of feel completed too. Really satisfied. And better. Looking at undone projects depresses me, and makes me feel a little tarnished, like the threads of my life are hanging frayed and knotted.

Grief and grieving can follow the same course.

But just how do we ensure that we complete the grieving well and don’t leave any suppressed grief festering in our souls?

The “How” of Grief Recovery and Completion—

If statistics are correct, we are people who love to learn how to do things. We constantly search “How to” do this or that on the Internet. We want to learn, so we can accomplish things, grow, share our new knowledge and achieve. Change.

But as much as we want to be able to get through the grief we didn’t start on purpose, we don’t always ask “How?” or know what steps we should take to finish the grief, or complete it. Deep in our hearts, we still feel as though something’s not quite finished with the grieving process.

Last week we started our discussion on the grief completion process, and I introduced the term and idea of using a relationship review to help with that completion. Before we move on, though, let’s review the Grief Recovery Institute’s definition of completion.

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”

Sounds simple, straightforward and easy enough, doesn’t it?

But maybe it’s not.

Like any project we endeavor to start and complete, there are steps we need to take to get it done. We usually can’t do the steps out of order, and we sometimes need to wait patiently for one step to be completed (maybe dry or cure) before moving onto the next one. And if we bungle one, sometimes we need to tamp down our frustration, back up, and redo it. Otherwise the finished product looks kind of crummy and unfinished.

**What’s involved in grief completion?**

Again, before we move on, let’s review the truths of this completion definition.

Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotionsthat have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.

Grief completion is the process you go through. It’s where you dig deeply into your heart and memory banks to find and expose those emotions that naturally accompany any relationship. The emotions you buried or were lying dormant.

The emotions that brought you joy.

The emotions that brought you pain.

The emotions you felt guilty for having.

The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.

Through that act of discovery—identifying those honest emotions and expressing them—you move forward to completing your grief. Putting yourself back together, to be whole and thrive.

And the means by which we can do this is the relationship review.

What is a relationship review?

A relationship review happens when we dig down deep and draw out and express those emotions we had, and may still have, surrounding a relationship and its loss.

Happy emotions. Sad emotions. Regretful or guilty emotions. Unfinished emotions.

Emotions directly related to your relationship with the person, job, or pet you lost.

The family member that died. The house and community you had to leave. The beloved pet you had to put down. The job you walked away from, or lost. The friend that decided they no longer valued you or your friendship and said goodbye.

Those are the emotions swirling around what you wished could or would have been different, better, or more about the relationship. Unrealized hopes and dreams about the future. The ones you had to say goodbye to or walk away from.

The discovery of those emotions can be used to complete what is emotionally unfinished.

Who’s responsible for making the correct action choices?

In spite of exhaustion or a desire to ignore and hope it goes away, it is the griever who needs to take these decisive actions. A concerned friend or family member can’t do it for them. While you may suggest and encourage, go first, or walk alongside, or be a listening ear, you cannot force or do.

You cannot complete this difficult project for them.

Recovery from grief or loss is achieved by a series of steps—small and correct actions—made by the griever.

Each griever had his or her own unique relationship with the person, family, pet, or circumstance. The actions they take are entirely about their relationship—not anyone else’s—with those people or things.

Other people’s relationship emotions must not be planted into the griever’s mind.

And therein lies the danger of sharing your emotions with family members.

While some siblings or other family survivors are good, sympathetic listeners, others may try to guide, put down or dismiss another survivor’s emotions. This only causes a griever to clam up, shut down, and then never revisit the grief. Or, they might claim others’ expressed emotions as their own.

All these things must be guarded against, which is why joining a grief group, or connecting with someone trained in the process can be so helpful and effective. You feel freer to really bare and share your heart and all those emotions. You won’t need to worry about being judged, criticized or belittled for your feelings or voiced expressions.

When to begin the relationship review in the grieving process?

It is never too late to do a relationship review. If you feel stuck in grief or that you have unfinished relationship or circumstance emotions you never addressed, the review is helpful.

And there is no perfect time to begin the relationship review, although the sooner you start after the acute pain wears off is a good time. Sometimes it’s when you just feel and know it’s right to venture into the waters.

But watch out for negative grief influences!

What might hamper a relationship review?

Our Western world tends to look down on “sad” emotions. We negate emotional pain and suffering and tuck it into the “weak” category.

You may have been influenced by this pervasive thought and feel self-conscious or fearful of baring those different, more, and better thoughts and feelings.

Again, this is where a grief group or knowledgeable and sympathetic guide can be helpful.

Other things that might hamper a relationship review are myths, like saying everybody dies eventually. Or just pull yourself by your bootstraps and move on. Don’t feel bad, as though feeling bad is evil. Or believing if you just stay busy enough it won’t hurt as much, or it will go away.

None of those beliefs or tactics work. In fact, they can be detrimental to healing.

How to embark on a relationship review—

The first thing to remember is that all grief is experienced at 100 percent. Everyone experiences a loss at her own level of intensity. And that level is usually based on the uniqueness of the relationship.

While I am still suffering the loss of a dear friend and confidante, my friend’s husband and children are suffering in infinitely different and deeper ways. I must be very careful not to compare my suffering with theirs, or presume to know how each of them is feeling.

Like the physical effects they might be experiencing.

The physical effects of grief—

Grief fills up your entire being. No part of your body, soul, mind or spirit is left untouched. That’s why you can feel physically ill and in real pain. Just look what WebMD had to say about the physical effects of grief in a July 2019 article.

“A range of studies reveal the powerful effects grief can have on the body. Grief increases inflammation, which can worsen health problems you already have and cause new ones. It batters the immune system, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection. The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes “broken heart syndrome,” a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.”

Several weeks after my father died, my family went on a ski trip. I thought I was “managing” my grief, until the night I suddenly and unexpectedly had a rapid heart rate and started hyperventilating and had to lie down on the floor. For a moment I thought I might be experiencing a heart attack, until my mind landed on what was really going on.

A panic attack.

My body was reacting to my grief, throwing out symptoms of my pain. My heart muscle and lungs were suffering right along with my mind. After several minutes of controlled breathing and relaxation techniques, my heart calmed down and my breathing normalized.

A warning sign that things still were not well. I needed to continue the healing process.

The dangers of trying to intellectualize death and grief—

Ever have the question “Why?” run through your mind after a loved one dies?

What seems like an intellectual reaction is actually more an emotional lamentation.

Before you try to answer that question of why with a scientific explanation, it’s better to examine the real question. And sometimes, even after all the scientific evaluation is done and satisfied, the answer to that question is: “I don’t know why.”

So be careful of trying to shift your or a griever’s responses away from emotions and toward intellectual reasoning.

You want to maintain safety of expression so you, or the griever, can tell the emotional truth. You’re angry. You’re feeling upended and lost. Your heart feels splintered, or aches to the point of bursting. You’re upset about something the person said to you before they died. Or didn’t say. The way the whole thing happened.

When do feelings of loss end?

Don’t expect your grief feelings to end right after the funeral or memorial service. Feelings continue. Sometimes for a long time.

It’s never too late to review and address the emotions that pop into your mind and heart.

As Amy Davis, a recovered griever who was quoted in the WebMD article noted about grief:

“Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down….you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”

Right on, Amy!

Invitation—

Who in your life would make an ideal grief listener? Someone you could share your innermost feelings with and not be made to feel weak or bad after voicing those emotions.

Is there a grief group in your area or online that you could access, to honestly share your pain?

How do you think you could benefit from it?

NEXT WEEK we’ll take a step further in undertaking a relationship review by looking at the initial questions to ask yourself and examining the emotional energy checklist.

Until then, don’t hide from your grief or try to wish it away, or cover it up with busyness. As Amy Davis said, “Lean into it.” If you take the right steps and make productive choices, you can and will thrive again!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Complete Your Grief Healing—Part I

When you’ve been dropkicked into grief, you’re usually stunned by the intense pain—the fear, the deep heartache, the feeling that all your insides have been ripped out and you’re bleeding internally. And one of the first questions going through your mind is:

How am I going to survive this?

Because acute grief leads you to believe that what you’re experiencing isn’t survivable.

I think what we’re really asking ourselves, though, is: How, exactly, does one grieve? What does the grief process look like? How do I know if I’m doing this right? How do I do it right?

Will I ever recover?

While there’s still a debate on whether or not someone truly recovers from grief (based on the pure definition of “recovery”), there are steps we can take to complete our intense grieving, and heal so we can return to a normal, fulfilling life after a loss.

It is the process or path to grief completion that can help us get there.

What is grief completion?

When we complete something, we bring it to a close or conclusion. A wrap-up. If we understand that grief is an emotion—often intense, overwhelming and paralyzing—we can better understand that grief is a valley we can and should walk through with a goal to arrive on the other side, into a brighter day.

According to the Grief Recovery Institute, their definition of [grief] completion is:

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating, directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions that attach to any relationship that changes or ends.”

Examine that definition closely and pull it apart to understand each intricate part.

Completion is an action. It requires the griever to do something for herself; to be an active participant.
Completion is an act of discovery, which implies uncovering hidden truths or tangible items. Bringing into the light what was once hidden from sight or recognition.
Completion is communicating, verbalizing what was once unspoken or unexpressed.
Completion uncovers or sheds light on emotions that have not previously been acknowledged or expressed.

The emotions that brought you joy.

The emotions that brought you pain.

The emotions you felt guilty for having.

The emotions you wanted to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t.

Death, divorce, friendship loss, job loss, pet loss, moving, and other “loss” all bring with them emotional upheavals that often don’t get addressed adequately. Emotions over things that did happen. Emotions over things that didn’t.

Those deeply buried, undelivered emotions are the components of grief that can leave us stuck in our healing process.

Can you “recover” from grief?

When we’re grieving, we wonder if we’ll ever be able to enjoy life again. We wonder if things will ever get any better.

As I asked above: Will we recover?

The answer, I believe, is yes—and no.

If you will allow me to use a physical injury as my first example, I’ll explain.

When an athlete was injured, my first responsibility was to determine the exact injury and its degree, or seriousness. Knowing the degree determined how I approached treatment and prescribed steps to adequate healing. Depending upon the tissue injured—skin, bone, soft tissue, nerve, etc.—a mild injury usually healed well and completely within two to six weeks, maybe sooner. IF the athlete followed treatment and recovery protocol.

For more serious injuries, more time and more complex treatment would be ordered, and the athlete’s condition and adherence to treatment played a big role in how that recovery went. Some athletes required surgery, which made full recovery even more complex. And sometimes impossible.

Yes, impossible.

When I fractured my leg during a championship meet, it was a complex fracture requiring careful treatment. Unfortunately, the doctors caring for me didn’t do the best job devising an adequate treatment plan. Surgery was offered, which I accepted. And then the doctor said he didn’t want to do surgery, and cited numerous reasons why. One doctor said he’d never seen a fracture like that before and didn’t know what to do. So they casted me for six weeks and then set up a treatment regimen.

I followed their treatment protocol, which wasn’t too specific, outside wearing my cast and staying on my crutches. And then some basic rehab, which involved whirlpool range of motion exercises. But that, it turns out, wasn’t adequate treatment for my type of fracture—one that was eventually written up in a journal for its oddity and difficulty treating.

Fast forward 43 years and 7 re-fractures later, and I’m still having difficulty with my right leg. The bone never healed straight enough, and I now have a leg length difference between my right and left leg due to the angle my leg takes when I walk.

If I go strictly by the definition of “recovery”—“to return to a normal state of health, mind or strength,” I would have to say I have not fully recovered from that injury. Not counting the age factor, I can’t do the things I used to do. I couldn’t do them right after the injury. And I could never return to doing them because of it.

Life is different.

The initial pain was so gut wrenching I would have been happy to be put out of my misery. Put down like some damaged racehorse. But eventually things got better, and the pain wasn’t as acute. And I am able to do a lot of physical activity, for which I’m grateful.

But all these years later, my brain is sometimes teased by regrets, and what used to be. And maybe what could have been. Especially when I have to think twice or three times about whether or not I should attempt a certain ski run, or hang up my downhill skis and turn exclusively to cross-country skiing now. And those thoughts sometimes trigger strong emotions, regrets and grief. It’s funny what can trigger grief’s return.

But now it’s not as gut-level painful. Instead, memories trigger a dull regret or sadness.

And it’s much the same when I think about our daughter, Victoria, and her death.

I thought the initial grief pain would kill me. Sometimes I hoped it would. But as I traversed the grieving process, the visceral pain and heartache became less intense. Twenty-seven years later the sadness still lingers, but I’m no longer living in it moment-by-moment.

Did life return to a state of normal for me? No. Life is different. Much different than it would be if our precious girl had survived.

But I’ve completed my grieving. I’m no longer suffering that deep anguish and fear. I’ve returned to a full life of joy and purpose.

And that’s the point and goal of grief completion.

What to do with those unfinished or undelivered emotions?

These unfinished emotions are often what cause us the most anguish. The thoughts of “what if.” The words left unspoken; the planned events cancelled. The holidays where someone is missing. The interactions that will never take place.

As much as we hope or intend to, it’s nearly impossible for our relationships or circumstances to end without those relationships containing some unfinished or undelivered emotions. Because our thoughts, opinions, and feelings about people and things change so often, our relationships are prone to constant minor and major shifts.

And because we can’t erase our emotional memories, we relive emotions—happy, warm or regretful—about an event or person throughout our lives. Indeed, grief can be re-triggered by dates, anniversaries, general event and location memories. Special music.

But there is a way to uncover those emotions, bring them into the light and understand them better. Confront them and take active action steps toward healing.

And one of the first things you can do is a relationship review.

What is a relationship review?

A relationship review often happens automatically after a loss. Have you ever sat around at a memorial luncheon, reminiscing about the person you’re honoring? Telling funny stories. Sharing memories.

That’s a basic relationship review. You’re sharing thoughts about the person’s relationship and interactions with you, and others are sharing their relationship to them. It helps keep the person’s memory alive and helps you advance into the grief completion process.

But you can, and should, go deeper with this process.

And that’s what we’ll delve into next week. How a relationship review can help us uncover the things we wished had been different. The things we wished had been better, the things we wished we could have enjoyed more of.

Discovering those wishes and thoughts can help us complete was is emotionally unfinished.

It’s all about small and correct action choices a grieving person takes to heal. Without them, we risk stunting our grieving and growth.

So let’s not think of grief recovery as getting to a time where we don’t remember our loved ones and never feel remorse over their death or estrangement from us, over no longer sharing life with them.

While the acute mourning eventually subsides, the memories and occasional melancholy linger.

And that’s okay.

Sigmund Freud had something to say about how the death of a loved one affects us.

“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually that is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.” Letter from Sigmund Freud to Ludwig Binswanger, April 11, 1929

Invitation—

If you’re in the midst of grief, or if you feel as though you haven’t fully completed a grieving process, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions about the emotions you’re experiencing from your loss and maybe jot them down. We’ll use them in future sessions.

What emotions that came along with the loss brought/bring you joy?
What emotions brought/bring you pain?
What emotions did/do you feel guilty for having?
What emotions did you want to express, but, for whatever reason, you didn’t or couldn’t?

NEXT WEEK we’ll explore more of what a relationship review entails and the questions to ask yourself in prompting a review to uncover all that emotional energy behind grieving.

Until then, be safe, be kind to yourself and others, and don’t be afraid to lean into your grieving.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people recover from grief, loss and trauma, and to thrive — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Grief Struggles: Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (STERBs)

Many things cause us to struggle or stumble in our grief recovery. Things like well meaning but misguided friends, and our attempts to hurry up our grief recovery. And our grief recovery struggles can be worsened by our own behavior errors, like using short-term energy-relieving behavior, or STERBs.

Knowing, understanding and recognizing STERBs can help us short circuit them, or avoid lapsing into them in the first place.

But just what is a STERB?

STERB: a short-term energy relieving behavior—

When we’re grieving, we often look for outlets for our pain. Many of these outlets we learned when we were children, when our mother gave us a cookie or treat to help us “feel better.”

When we get older, our well-meaning friends might take us out on the town to drink our sorrows away.

We might sit in front of the television, mindlessly binge-watching programs we’ve already seen countless times. Or read fantasy or romance books that whisk our imaginations away to places we wish we were living.

Away from our pain-ridden reality.

We may have been taught to try to substitute something for the loss, like going shopping.

These are all examples of short-term energy relieving behaviors.

Why do we use STERBs in grief?

Grief brings with it sad, painful or negative feelings. And those sad emotions produce tangible energy. Energy we want, and need, to relieve.

So we find ourselves searching for ways to distract ourselves.

Enter the handy STERB.

The dangers of STERBs—

If we substitute, try to take the easy way out, and don’t complete our grieving process well, we can carry around negative attachments to life events for years.

Have you ever met someone who relays a sad, personal life event to you in such a way that makes you feel as though the event happened yesterday, when in reality it’s been decades since the event happened? And they vividly relay the story over and over and over.

It takes a lot of energy to hang onto a painful story, to re-tell it as though you’re reliving it.

The energy it takes to hang onto that pain doesn’t just go underground and stay buried. It manifests itself in other ways, like physical ailments, diseases, and emotional and mental health issues.

There are physical consequences to holding onto the sadness or anger surrounding grief. Or trying to substitute a distraction for concrete, effective healing.

Some permanent habits and problems that might have started out as a STERB:

Smoking
Overeating
Drinking/Alcoholism
Over the Counter (OTC) drug overuse and abuse
Illegal drug abuse
Addictive exercise
Eating disorders—bulimia, anorexia nervosa, binge eating
Workaholism
Anger issues/Tantrums/Acting out
Fantasy (video games, computers, books, television, movies)
Isolation and Avoidance
Sex
Shopping (sometimes jokingly called “retail therapy”)

More often than not we use a STERB to self-medicate—numb our way out of the pain and sadness.

The Grief Recovery Institute points out that:

“Depending on age and other circumstances, the vast majority of young people begin their involvement with drugs and alcohol soon after a major loss experience.” (James, Friedman, and Matthews, When Children Grieve, 86)

Aside from this depressing and alarming statistic, there are— according to The Grief Recovery Institute—three major problems with STERBs.

They appear to work.

Notice the word “appear.” What might be mistaken for an effective, positive result is actually a created illusion. And that illusion causes you to bypass or bury the emotion.

But emotions don’t automatically die when you try to bury them alive. They find some other way to fight their way out, and often that means negatively affecting other body systems.

Short-term energy relievers are just that—short term.

STERBs don’t last, and they don’t address the emotional issue. And, like any drug, they often require higher and higher doses over time to be effective. Pretty soon you’ve got a habit or addiction you can’t stop.

In the long run, STERBs do nothing to relieve the pressure building up from the pent-up or ignored grief emotion.

In short, STERBs can cause more problems than they solve.

And they can add to the problem of unresolved grief.

If not STERBs for grief relief, then what?

We don’t want to just mow down the weeds in our lawn, we want to root them out so healthy grass can grow and we can enjoy all the benefits of a beautiful lawn.

We don’t want to just stuff the emotions, we want to address them, deal with them, so our lives can get fully back on track. And we can once again prosper and be happy.

In order to make a full recovery from grief, we need to achieve what is known as grief completion.

And that’s what we’ll explore more of next week.

Invitation:

Can you identify any STERBs in your life you can trace back to a specific loss or grief?
Can you identify any STERBs that seemed to work for you during a time of loss or grief but you now recognize as a problem?
How have STERBs worsened your grief or made it more difficult to recover from it?

NEXT WEEK we’ll delve into what grief completion is and embark on our journey to achieve it.

Until then, explore what STERBs you started in your life that have become pesky, nervous or avoidant habits.

Get ready to be set free!

And I’ll see you back here next week!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people recover from grief, loss and trauma, and to thrive in life — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Difficulties with Grief

THERE IS OFTEN A SPECIFIC DIFFICULTY to combat in grieving, and that difficulty is our attitude.

Changing our attitudes about grief and the grieving process is hard. Even if you want to change your attitude, behavior and grief language (see last week’s post), your family members and friends may resist.

It’s important to examine our beliefs about grief—what good grieving looks like, how you talk about it and address it. I’ve had to examine and reshape my grief attitudes.

Change is often difficult.

But it can be critical to your grief recovery.

Having a safe space to grieve and express yourself—

You need to feel safe and may find grieving and grief recovery/completion is best done in a group of like-minded, understanding people. People who are also walking a similar path you’re on, or those who can walk beside you to help you in the process.

Old, stifling ideas about grief may be holding you back. It may take someone with experience and training, looking in from the outside to help you recognize where change should and can occur.

As the experts at the Grief Recovery Institute remind us:

“It is very easy to do things just the way we have always done them. But traditions generally signify familiarity, not always value.

“…even very willing people sometimes cling to old, ineffective ideas. It may be a struggle for you to let different and better information in.”

Evaluating what you’ve been taught about grief—

From a young age we’re usually given wrong, often detrimental signals and instructions about how to deal with grief and sadness. These lessons or signals can affect us the rest of our lives and make future, successful grieving difficult or impossible.

Some of us grew up in environments where our families tolerated few if any human feelings or outward expression of emotions. And now that we’re adults, our siblings and family members may still balk at or reject our need to self-express.

Those experiences can permanently color your world, and often not with a pleasing palette.

You need to paint your own grief picture—with your own emotions.

Tell your own story.

You’re the protagonist in it, and you—not others—need to provide the ending.

Make grief personal—

To complete your grieving, you’ll want to communicate your wants, your needs, your thoughts and your feelings. Not what you think someone else wants you to feel, or what someone else has told you to feel, but honestly communicate what’s going on in your mind and heart.

It’s not about feeling dumb or smart. It’s about tuning into your sadness, your joy, your deepest emotions and being able to express them. Working through the intricacies of the loss. Weaving a unique and complete tapestry.

Learning to identify and communicate your individual, positive or negative feeling and then moving on to uncovering, identifying and dealing with the next one.

You can’t move on to the next feeling if you haven’t dealt sufficiently with the one that came before it.

The danger of ignoring and suppressing emotions—

We often think ignoring an emotion will make it disappear and stop bothering us.

Unfortunately, that’s not what usually happens. The brain remembers, and the body keeps the score.

Suppressing your emotions can lead to a build up that eventually gets unloaded like a pressure cooker erupting and scalding everyone around it.

And when you don’t allow others to express their emotions, you’re likely to be the one getting scalded.

Another danger of suppressing sad emotions is all the energy it takes to do it. It’s hard on the physical body to keep them suppressed. And all that suppression often ends up putting pressure on your physical body. The stress causes chronic inflammation that can lead to devastating illness—both mental and physical.

Don’t be afraid of emoting with tears—

Ever heard a parent say this to a child? “I can’t understand you when you’re crying. Stop crying so I can hear you.” (I’m cringing because I’m sure I’ve said it to my kids at least once.)

While it may be true that the parent is unable to understand a child’s speech through the crying, a child probably interprets a different way—that it’s not okay to cry when expressing emotion.

So, the first thing you remember as a grieving adult is: I shouldn’t cry while sharing my emotions with someone. It’s a sign of weakness, and they probably won’t like it.

But in order to successfully and comfortably express your grief emotions, it’s important that you not feel judged; and that you do not give the impression of judging others when they’re expressing their personal emotions.

One last thought—

Before we leave today’s session, I want to leave you with one last thought from the Grief Recovery Institute, which expresses all we’ve addressed in this and previous posts:

“Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. Unresolved grief does not go away by the counterproductive nonactions of trying not to fee bad or by replacing the loss or by grieving alone or by being strong or by keeping busy or by the passage of time.”

All the things we’ve likely learned along life’s way need to be changed.

The question is: Are you ready to complete your grief healing?

Invitation—

I invite you to answer and work through the following questions:

What kind of family dynamics, training or signals affected your emotions? The way they/you handled loss?
Can you identify any loss you haven’t fully grieved, or any uncompleted/unresolved grief?
In regard to that grief, what emotions did you have that you didn’t express or didn’t feel you were allowed to express?
If you wanted to cry and didn’t, why not? Who or what stopped you? Would you feel comfortable crying now, even if the loss happened years ago?

NEXT WEEK we’ll explore the many short-term behaviors we resort to in grief that temporarily relieve our grieving emotions and energy. You won’t want to miss it!

Until then, open yourself to a new attitude toward loss and grieving. Give yourself and others the space needed to resolve grief.

Blessings,

Andrea

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, award-winning inspirational writer and senior-ordained chaplain. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to thrive — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.