FOR SEVERAL MONTHS we’ve been exploring and working our way through grief—the importance of grief recovery and completion; leaning into and embracing our volatile (and sometimes scary, overwhelming) emotions; learning the basics and language of loss and grief; what emotional energy is and how it contributes to the grieving process; the importance of apologies and forgiveness; basic relationship reviews; the individual uniqueness of grief; the dangers of harboring resentment in grief; everything you need to know about grieving well.
Step-by-step we’ve explored the process, taken concrete actions to achieve a satisfactory grief completion.
With all of that work in hand, we’ll move onto asking the hard questions to expose all the emotional energy factors needed to write our relationship review letters.
Remembering and addressing the details of a relationship review in grief—
As we’ve discussed before, each relationship is individual and unique, so the answers we give to our emotional energy checklist for our relationship review letter will be individual and unique.
You are human and undoubtedly have emotions you want to honestly share or get out in the open. I don’t know too many people that enjoy bottling up emotions, although they may have been taught that’s what they should do following a loss or death. That teaching just isn’t true, or healthy.
Now’s the time to get it all out. Feel. Unload. Vent. Remember.
And complete what the death or loss started, unleashed or exposed.
Although not an exhaustive list, here are some of the things you’ll want to ask yourself or remember and make note of for your letter. They pertain to the relationship you had with the person you’ve lost or the friendship that’s been severed:
- When did you first meet the person?
- What events surrounded that first introduction?
- Did you have a special name for the person?
- What kind of personality did the person have?
- What kinds of gifts did you share or receive from them or give to them?
- What kinds of gatherings did you enjoy, at their house? Yours? Trips together?
- What kinds of perfumes or aftershave did they wear, if any?
- Did you ever have any arguments with them, and about what? How often?
- Were they kind and loving or teases?
- What kind of unique, personal mannerisms or quirks did they have?
- Did you see each other frequently? Chat often on the phone? Worship together?
- What personal events did you share?
- What personal stories did you share?
- How much did you trust this person, and why?
- Did you love seeing and visiting with this person, or not?
- Was there something about them that made communicating or living with them difficult? (Alcoholism, mental illness, attitudes, etc.)
- Were you happy about the amount of contact you had with this person, or not?
- If you lived a long physical distance from them, were you happy or unhappy about not seeing them more often than you did?
- Were you together for major events?
- If they died because of an illness, how often did you get to see them?
- How did you learn about the person’s illness?
- How did their illness affect them/you?
- Were you able to talk about your feelings with them, or someone else close to them?
- Are you willing to talk about the person’s illness now? Were you then?
- How did the end of their life progress? How did you handle it?
- What do you remember about the last days or end of your relationship with the person?
- What kind of emotional response did you and they have to this illness, impending death, and your relationship?
- Were you included in the end of life process, goodbye, funeral or memorial?
- Did you get to say goodbye, or was there an abrupt end to the relationship?
- Did your friend or the family leave you left out of the end-of-life or memorial process? How do you feel about that?
- Is there anyone you feel safe talking to about your feelings and hurts or fears about this person and the loss?
- Are you trying to take care of others’ emotional needs and disregarding yours in the process?
- How did their death impact you emotionally as soon as you learned of it?
- How did the severing of the relationship impact you? (Anger, shock, fear, frustration?)
- What kinds of emotions did others express at the death?
- Did you attend the memorial service? Why or why not?
- What kinds of memories, regrets, dreams, or emotions have you experienced in the days, weeks, months or years since the death of relationship loss?
- How have you recognized birthdays, special occasions, or holidays following the loss?
- Did the person miss any significant events you wish they could have attended or you would have liked them to attend?
- What kind of relationship do you now have with the survivors, or other, mutual friends?
Talking about the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly parts of a relationship—
I know it can seem or feel wrong to talk about the bad parts of a relationship after the person has died, but it’s important to acknowledge and voice the whole truth. It’s a critical step in making us emotionally complete and completing the grieving.
Grief is often confusing, complicated, long and exhausting. And scary. This is what we’re walking through, in the best way we can do it. To continue with life and thrive.
That’s what we’re doing with the questions and the relationship review, which we’ll get closer to completing next week.
Until then, I invite you to work on these questions, answer them honestly and completely. Doing so will likely trigger more feelings, emotions and memories—both good and bad. You may cry again. Laugh again. Regret again. Rejoice over a loved one’s life and her impact on yours, again.
It’s worth the effort.
Invitation—
- I invite you to take some time this week to answer all of the above questions to the best of your ability. Write complete sentences or thoughts and feelings. Don’t worry about chronology right now. We’ll be able to write and tidy up our letters later.
If you need to catch up on our discussion, see the following posts for this life-changing information:
Grief Struggles and Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors
The importance of grief completion.
The basics of a relationship review in grief.
Importance of apologies in grief, for loss or death grief
The importance of forgiveness in loss and grief and dangers of harboring resentment.
Understanding and incorporating significant emotional statements.
Reviewing the good, the bad, and what you wish had been different.
Until next week, may God give you wisdom and grace as you relive your life with the person lost to you.
Blessings,
Andrea
“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.