Tag: Toxic Positivity

Grief, Positivity and Hope: Saying the Right Words at the Right Time

(This post is the last in a series on toxic positivity.)

Is your life missing peace? Does your soul feel empty and hungry? Does it feel as though the light in your life has been snuffed out?

At one time or another, most—if not all of us—have felt completely hopeless and experienced all the side effects of it. Chaos, sadness, depression, a lack of purpose or promise.

And we often need to express those scary feelings to another person. The kind of response we receive may end up making us feel worse and wondering if there is anyone, anywhere who understands our pain and is willing to walk alongside us while we’re groping and fumbling to get back into life.

In these times of heartache and trouble, what we need is not a pious platitude or super upbeat “think good thoughts and be happy” response. We need reality, and a reminder that goodness is out there, and we can find and have it.

 

The right response to deep grief and anguish—

For the last month we’ve been exploring a too-positive response to someone’s expression of grief and heartache and the problems this kind of response can cause.

And I also noted that too often Christians are the first to chime in with cheery, smiley, bordering-on-superficial responses. While the Bible passages they might share are true, they are shared improperly or at untimely moments.

Today we’ll take a look at how a writer of the Bible chose to response to the most horrendous of circumstances, with the reality of the situation, and the truth about God’s character.

 

The Lamentations of Jeremiah—

While we can find outpouring of heart and grief in the Psalms, one only need turn to Lamentations to locate funeral or dirge poetry and outpouring of grief so deep, the reader wonders how the writer can even go on living.

The dirges are for a people snatched from their homes and beloved city and dragged off to another country. He bewails the crumbling and destruction of their magnificent house of worship. The words recount a once-beautiful city and the ruinous state it now lies in. The tone and setting are dark and dismal.

Yet even after his outpouring of grief in his honest words of how he feels beaten up and bruised by God, Jeremiah calls to mind a sense of hope and where it comes from.

He reminds himself and the people that God is unchanging and faithful.

 

For twenty verses the prophet pours out his spiritual, emotional and physical agony, and then writes the well-known verses:

 

“Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’S great love we are

not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.”

 

And he continues:

 

“I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.’

The LORD is good to those whose hope is

in him,

to the one who seeks him;

It is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the LORD.”

 

For the rest of the chapter, which is a total of sixty-six verses, Jeremiah runs between profound lament, calling on God and voicing faith in Him, extolling God’s faithful character, and admitting to the people’s sins that brought on some of this calamity in the first place. He is raw and honest.

And keep in mind that the people were suffering unimaginable torment; in a time so bad they had reduced themselves to cannibalism. It is ugly, it is desperate, and it is grievous.

It certainly would not be a time for anyone to throw out “Look on the bright side. It’s not as bad as you think. God is good. All the time, God is good.”

And yet that is exactly what Jeremiah boils it down to: that God is indeed good and faithful and just, and this devastation they’re living through will not last forever, because God will make sure it eventually ends.

 

But before Jeremiah gets around to stating those facts, he grieves openly, completely and without apology. And because of this honesty, we can appreciate that cheery, pat answers and out-of-context Bible verses or ones delivered too quickly aren’t realistic, they don’t reflect life, and they don’t really reflect the Bible.

 

What a Hurting Person Needs—

As pastor Alistair Begg says,

“Hurting people want to know if there’s anybody around that understands how they feel, what they’re going through.”

 

A hurting person needs to know that the theology of God is not always one of sugary words and upbeat jargon but is also one of suffering, of pain, of lament. Of honest grief.

They don’t need cheerleaders. They need big hearts, open arms and listening ears.

Sometimes it’s okay in life to imitate the grieving, lamenting prophet. Sometimes it’s best to get it all out so you can think more clearly, to purge and cleanse your heart and soul.

While we can remind ourselves that God is, indeed, always faithful, always good, and always available to us, we also need to acknowledge that life is hard. Sometimes real hard.

Sometimes so hard it feels as though it’s going to break you.

And when we’ve poured out our hearts and come to the very end of ourselves, or listened to someone else do it, then is the time—in order to keep on going and persevering—we can and should remember, and remind a grieving person:

Because of the LORD’S great love we are

not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

 

As Pastor Begg encourages:

“Bring all that you know of God to bear on all that you know of your circumstances.”

 

  • Acknowledge your or someone else’s circumstances.
  • Be realistic about them.
  • Weep over them if you must.
  • And then remember God and bring Him into the healing equation.

 

Call to mind that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, and His mercies never end.

And that’s what gives you hope.

It’s about volition. And timing. And being honest about life and the sometimes horrendous reality of it.

And then remembering that a new morning is coming and because Jesus Christ lives, we can, indeed, face all our tomorrows.

 

Invitation—

If you are finding it difficult to call to mind the hope you have in God, please reach out to me with a text to 520-975-6109. Tell me your name and a little about your circumstances, and if you need someone to talk to about them. I’m available to help you with your healing.

And if you don’t know this amazing, forgiving God of hope and would like to know Him and have a relationship with Him, send a text message to the same number. Don’t let another day go by without making this decision!

Until next week,

Be honest with your grief and allow others to be too. Listen well and open your heart—to the pain of others and to the God who hears and heals.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

The Dangers of Positivity and How to Respond to It

When a friend or loved one comes to us, expressing her deepest emotional grief, pain or fear, often, our first reaction is to try to console or fix them, to ease their emotion or correct it so they can experience less pain and more joy. Or ease our own uncomfortable emotions at her honesty.

But are we doing her a disservice?

Probably. What we say and how we respond can help or wind up in the category of toxic positivity.

 

In my last three posts, I’ve talked a lot about what toxic positivity is, and how harmful it can be. Today we’ll look at what it looks and sounds like, how to turn it around to a constructive and helpful response, and how you can respond if you’re the recipient of it.

 

WHAT TOXIC POSITIVITY LOOKS LIKE—

When someone has expressed the deepest pain, grief, frustration or agony of her heart, have you ever heard someone respond in any of these ways?

  • “Cheer up, it could be worse.”
  • “Look on the bright side,” and then proceed to tell you what that is.
  • “He’s in a better place.” (If a loved one has died.)
  • “Focus on the good things.”
  • “Tomorrow will b your best life.”
  • “Just go with the flow.”

 

If you’re trying too hard to be and display positivity, you might also end up with a problem.

 

WAYS TO SPOT A FAKE POSITIVE ATTITUDE—

There’s at least one big clue to knowing whether or not someone is faking a positive outlook.

Look at their eyes and cheeks.

When someone displays an authentically happy smile, her cheeks scrunch up to her eyes, causing little creases to occur under the eyes. And the eyes narrow as they’re pushed toward the eye socket. The corners of her lips elevate. In short, the facial muscles get involved.

No Duchenne marker? Then the smile is likely a put-on, to make you think they’re happy, or they responded gratefully to your upbeat, think positive comment.

 

WATCH BODY LANGUAGE TOO—

Did she relax when you blurted out your happy comment? Did she nod gratefully, or thank you?

Or did she tense up, jerk, look down? Did her eyes fly open in shock or disappointment? Did she seem to go quiet or withdraw?

Watch how people respond to your statements, your words. Your body language. Pay attention to how you respond to those words.

 

THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BEING TOO POSITIVE—

Inauthentic happiness can stress you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the more you avoid negative thoughts, the bigger and more overwhelming they get. It becomes a self-defeating effort.

And if you internalize it, you can damage yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. For years.

If you’re a never-ending source of upbeat thinking statements, you might come off as being insincere, shallow, self-involved or uncaring. You could be in jeopardy to losing meaningful relationships. At the very least, others may stop sharing their hearts with you.

They might stop telling you the truth about how they feel and instead just stick to the surface issues in conversation. They’ll stop trusting you with their hearts.

For someone that hangs out with a super positive person, she might be in danger of denying herself and her true feelings, work too hard to conform to the positive person’s views, put on a fake demeanor, feel as though she’s walking on eggshells around Ms. Positive and exhaust herself trying to say the right things.

These kinds of responses are crippling to someone’s spirit. And I don’t think many of us want to do that to a friend, or to ourselves.

 

HOW TO RESPOND IF SOMEONE HITS YOU WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY—

How do you or should you respond when a super cheerleader type dismisses your expressions of tough or painful emotions?

On the extreme, you may have to set some pretty firm boundaries with him, either outwardly or discreetly, while you heal. Especially if the offender just won’t acknowledge his error or the damage his comments did to your spirit.

Quite often, though, the best response is to breathe deeply, remind yourself that your emotions are your emotions you need to acknowledge and maybe express, and then gently tell him how his response affected you.

And cut them some slack by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

You might say, “I know you meant well with your positive response, but that comment made me feel as though my emotions aren’t important or valid, and that you really weren’t listening.”

How he responds to that will tell you volumes about his heart and character.

You could let him off the hook by saying you know he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with sharing your emotion, and if it really upsets him, you won’t share your feelings with him.

Or tell him that all you need right now is a listening ear and a listening heart. Someone to talk to.

Can you successfully balance pain-driven emotions with a positive outlook?

 No question about it. Life is hard. Most people don’t get through life without having to confront pain, loss, a devastating event or major, stressful life change. And most people do survive them. But often they only survive. You wouldn’t say they managed to survive them well, and with honesty.

But there is a way to do that. To be hopeful (not necessarily sickeningly cheerful or sappy sweet) and be able to look forward with hope in the midst of the deepest heartache.

Join me next week when we’ll learn how we can do that, and not necessarily live an easy life, but live a hopeful one.

Until then, be a good listener, really hear what people are expressing, confirm their emotions and be careful with sharing your positivity.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Toxic Positivity and Grief

Have you ever revealed your deepest grief pain to someone only to have her give you an immediate comeback of super-positive or upbeat thinking they believe you should focus on? Something to get you over your slump?

What they may be guilty of is toxic positivity.

While there is no question that being positive and grateful is good for the brain and good for you physically and emotionally, it sometimes does more harm than good when you’re mired deeply in grief, and you’re nursing a raw heart.

 

Thinking back—

Do you remember a time when someone responded in a nauseatingly positive way when all you wanted to do was share your heart’s pain and have a listening heart hear it?

How did it make you feel?

I remember a lot of overly upbeat sentiments after my daughter’s death. And I remember the effect they had.

  • Shame.
  • Embarrassment.
  • A sense of lacking, or being inadequate.
  • Betrayed.
  • Devastated.
  • Misunderstood.
  • Anger.

The emotions list could go on and on.

Instead of encouraging me, most of the responses made me retreat into myself and believe that people couldn’t relate to my pain, didn’t want to relate to it, and were eager to have me get back to life and living.

My pain made them uncomfortable.

So I really shouldn’t share it.

 

Biggest culprits—

Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, Christians are often the biggest culprits of toxic positivity. They’re too quick to recite Bible passages meant to encourage the griever. To put their grief in God’s perspective. (As if the griever were ignorant about all those passages.)

While their hearts might be in the right place, often their mouths aren’t. They aren’t listening with their hearts.

And now the hard question: Are you guilty of doing that to someone?

Yes, there are many, many Bible passages exhorting us to lift one another up, but there is also that big one that tells us that we need to “weep with those who are weeping.”

In order to weep with someone, we need to listen deeply, and weep. And hold. And then, when the griever’s heart is receptive, encourage with more upbeat passages and thinking.

We need to be available to walk alongside them in their grief and trauma, not rush ahead, drag them forward, or get behind them and push.

 

But I don’t want us to get way ahead of ourselves here. I want to take time to explore this, so we can really learn and heighten our sensitivities and hone our responses to broken, hurting hearts.

 

What’s ahead—

I’m going to take the entire month of February to cover this new, hot topic, which you may have heard about. This month we’ll:

  • Define toxic positivity.
  • Give you examples of it.
  • Give you ways to deal with and respond to it (if the damaged griever).
  • Help you develop good handholding and empathy skills.
  • Discuss the benefits of helpful positivity and how to incorporate that into your life—at the right time.

Toxic positivity definition—

But for today, let’s just start with the current definition of toxic positivity.

While there is no psychological category for it, nor is there a formal diagnosis, the group at What’s Your Grief? provide this definition:

 

“Toxic positivity is promoting the ideal or goal that, no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy or optimistic mindset.”

 

In other words, “Happy, happy, happy!’ at all times, and in all things.

Is there anything wrong with this?

Well, no, and yes.

And that’s what we’re going to be exploring this month. In small, helpful, bite-size increments. Helpful for the griever, and the one the griever seeks support and empathy from.

Hope you can join me!

 

Invitation—

For this week, meditate on the toxic positivity definition. See where your thoughts take you on this. Maybe jot down some times you’ve experienced toxic positivity from a well—meaning friend, or when you think you’ve been guilty of it.

 

On a side note: After a bout with COVID right at the beginning of the New Year, it’s good to be teaching and mentoring again!

And for those of you who are caregivers, check out Guideposts’ bi-monthly devotional Strength and Grace for daily, uplifting devotions to help caregivers as they minister to and care for aging parents, patients, and family members struggling with mental illness, like dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s a joy to be a member of the writing team contributing to this magazine. For more information, go to Guideposts.org.

Blessings,

Andrea

“I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.