Tag: Toxic Positivity and Grief

The Dangers of Positivity and How to Respond to It

When a friend or loved one comes to us, expressing her deepest emotional grief, pain or fear, often, our first reaction is to try to console or fix them, to ease their emotion or correct it so they can experience less pain and more joy. Or ease our own uncomfortable emotions at her honesty.

But are we doing her a disservice?

Probably. What we say and how we respond can help or wind up in the category of toxic positivity.

 

In my last three posts, I’ve talked a lot about what toxic positivity is, and how harmful it can be. Today we’ll look at what it looks and sounds like, how to turn it around to a constructive and helpful response, and how you can respond if you’re the recipient of it.

 

WHAT TOXIC POSITIVITY LOOKS LIKE—

When someone has expressed the deepest pain, grief, frustration or agony of her heart, have you ever heard someone respond in any of these ways?

  • “Cheer up, it could be worse.”
  • “Look on the bright side,” and then proceed to tell you what that is.
  • “He’s in a better place.” (If a loved one has died.)
  • “Focus on the good things.”
  • “Tomorrow will b your best life.”
  • “Just go with the flow.”

 

If you’re trying too hard to be and display positivity, you might also end up with a problem.

 

WAYS TO SPOT A FAKE POSITIVE ATTITUDE—

There’s at least one big clue to knowing whether or not someone is faking a positive outlook.

Look at their eyes and cheeks.

When someone displays an authentically happy smile, her cheeks scrunch up to her eyes, causing little creases to occur under the eyes. And the eyes narrow as they’re pushed toward the eye socket. The corners of her lips elevate. In short, the facial muscles get involved.

No Duchenne marker? Then the smile is likely a put-on, to make you think they’re happy, or they responded gratefully to your upbeat, think positive comment.

 

WATCH BODY LANGUAGE TOO—

Did she relax when you blurted out your happy comment? Did she nod gratefully, or thank you?

Or did she tense up, jerk, look down? Did her eyes fly open in shock or disappointment? Did she seem to go quiet or withdraw?

Watch how people respond to your statements, your words. Your body language. Pay attention to how you respond to those words.

 

THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BEING TOO POSITIVE—

Inauthentic happiness can stress you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the more you avoid negative thoughts, the bigger and more overwhelming they get. It becomes a self-defeating effort.

And if you internalize it, you can damage yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. For years.

If you’re a never-ending source of upbeat thinking statements, you might come off as being insincere, shallow, self-involved or uncaring. You could be in jeopardy to losing meaningful relationships. At the very least, others may stop sharing their hearts with you.

They might stop telling you the truth about how they feel and instead just stick to the surface issues in conversation. They’ll stop trusting you with their hearts.

For someone that hangs out with a super positive person, she might be in danger of denying herself and her true feelings, work too hard to conform to the positive person’s views, put on a fake demeanor, feel as though she’s walking on eggshells around Ms. Positive and exhaust herself trying to say the right things.

These kinds of responses are crippling to someone’s spirit. And I don’t think many of us want to do that to a friend, or to ourselves.

 

HOW TO RESPOND IF SOMEONE HITS YOU WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY—

How do you or should you respond when a super cheerleader type dismisses your expressions of tough or painful emotions?

On the extreme, you may have to set some pretty firm boundaries with him, either outwardly or discreetly, while you heal. Especially if the offender just won’t acknowledge his error or the damage his comments did to your spirit.

Quite often, though, the best response is to breathe deeply, remind yourself that your emotions are your emotions you need to acknowledge and maybe express, and then gently tell him how his response affected you.

And cut them some slack by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

You might say, “I know you meant well with your positive response, but that comment made me feel as though my emotions aren’t important or valid, and that you really weren’t listening.”

How he responds to that will tell you volumes about his heart and character.

You could let him off the hook by saying you know he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with sharing your emotion, and if it really upsets him, you won’t share your feelings with him.

Or tell him that all you need right now is a listening ear and a listening heart. Someone to talk to.

Can you successfully balance pain-driven emotions with a positive outlook?

 No question about it. Life is hard. Most people don’t get through life without having to confront pain, loss, a devastating event or major, stressful life change. And most people do survive them. But often they only survive. You wouldn’t say they managed to survive them well, and with honesty.

But there is a way to do that. To be hopeful (not necessarily sickeningly cheerful or sappy sweet) and be able to look forward with hope in the midst of the deepest heartache.

Join me next week when we’ll learn how we can do that, and not necessarily live an easy life, but live a hopeful one.

Until then, be a good listener, really hear what people are expressing, confirm their emotions and be careful with sharing your positivity.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Toxic Positivity 101

The term seemed to have erupted last year, when COVID was overwhelming everyone’s life and exhausting us mentally, physically and spiritually. A Google search will produce pages of articles on it. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Toxic positivity.

It’s not an official psychological diagnosis or academic term, but it’s gaining ground and being used to push back against the positive thinking teaching running rampant, until COVID roared onto the global scene.

 

 

 

 

What is toxic positivity?

A simple definition of toxic positivity, provided by What’s Your Grief?” is:

“Promoting the ideal or goal that no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy, or optimistic mindset.”

 

In other words, always, and at all times be “Happy, happy, happy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Examples of toxic positivity—

Have you ever expressed your grief, frustration or heart-felt pain to someone and had them respond with:

“Well, you need to stay positive!”

“Keep focusing on gratitude and being grateful.”

“Look on the bright side.”

“It was God’s will.”

These responses are pretty difficult to hear and take when you’re experiencing painful, complex emotions in grief, trauma or due to another deep hurt. And the comments are usually not helpful. In fact, they may cause you to retreat inward, feel guilty or disillusioned, and to avoid sharing your emotions with anyone. And that can stunt or hamper your healing.

 

Why the sudden positivity backlash?

2020 tossed all of us into the same suffering path, crammed us into similar shock, disillusionment, frustration and fear of the unknown. In one earth-sweeping stroke, the world was brought to its knees, we learned just how puny and helpless we really are, and we got stamped with identical suffering—alarm, and maybe a hefty dose of fear.

To be sure, all of us experienced different depths of emotions as we watched the world succumb, friends and family members—or even strangers—get sick and recover, or get sick and die. Or watched as our part of the world boarded up into a ghost town. Or we were sent home to quarantine and work, were told to stay home permanently, watched helplessly as our world imploded, were robbed of our livelihoods, or we drained our emergency savings accounts and nervously awaited relief checks—so we could keep the house lights on and purchase groceries. Or we took a number on the unemployment line.

Who among us didn’t learn how to ZOOM in short order, just to stay connected?

And this is where the pep talks started to beat some of us down, or rile us up:

When we were told to stay upbeat in the midst of it, sing, smile, and focus on hope.

It could all sound pretty tone deaf and shallow, especially when the media and government haves were telling the have-nots how to think, feel and act. And to stop living.

 

While this advice was well-meaning and had some merit, sometimes it came off as being toxic and unrealistic. And that’s what toxic positivity does. It encourages us to ignore the pain, the hard things, the gut-wrenching emotions that MUST be acknowledged and worked through in order for complete and satisfying grief and trauma healing to occur.

 

Benefits of positivity—

I’ve written extensively on my blogs about the benefits of positive thinking and gratefulness. I extol them and follow the advice of St Paul to bear all things and hope all things—the ways to put love into action. So I’m not advocating automatically rejecting and tossing all of the positive, gratitude-focus advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what’s the problem with being positive?

The problem arises when we’re too quick to offer unsolicited advice or cheerleading. When our mouths run ahead of our brains, and we’re trying WAY too hard to be helpful, even when we haven’t been asked for help.

As loving supporters of a grieving person, we need to be aware of and sensitive to the appropriate time to give positive comments and encouragement, like after the honest recognition of the agony or grief. We must not deny or ignore the suffering. It’s so important that we say, “I hear your pain. I see your agony.” Even if we can’t say, “I understand.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get the healing order right—

When we’re suffering, we’re usually anxious to get to the healing, the light at the end of the tunnel. We don’t want to hurt. And we don’t want others to hurt, either.

But as the good folks at What’s Your Grief? wisely point out: in order for a rainbow to appear, there must first be a storm.

You don’t get to bypass the storm or rain in order to enjoy the rainbow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Toxic positivity to the extreme—

Can you imagine if you heard a friend say,” My husband is dead. Life is great!”

Wouldn’t that sound a bit wacky to you?

What she might want to honestly express is: “My husband is dead, and my heart is broken. I feel disoriented, lost. So alone.” In which case you can listen to her, hear her, weep with her.

As her healing progresses, she might feel more comfortable saying, “My husband is dead, and my heart is broken. But I know with the mercy and goodness of God, and help of loving, patient friends, I will heal and once again—one day—have a joyful, fruitful life.”

She’s not denying the obvious or its accompanying pain. She’s viewing life realistically, with a focus on her mental health, the present reality, and a healthy hope for the future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be an honest griever—

As a griever, be honest with yourself, about what your heart and mind are going through, while recognizing there is a road map to a brighter future.

And remind yourself that a critical part of that roadmap is taking some time to think about, pray about and plan your grief journey, so it’s as effective as it can be.

Where are you now? Where do you want to go? How are you going to get there? (We’ll explore these questions in more depth in another blog.)

You might have some horrible terrain to slog over in the beginning of your journey. And, yes, you might experience a few breakdowns and stalls. But as you press on with constructive meditation, support, and purpose, the road will get easier or smoother, brighter, and look more purposeful.

And as your emotions are identified and worked through, the journey will get lighter. The luggage will be easier to carry.

Never forget there is purpose in your grief work.

But toxic positivity forces or requires you to rush through that journey. And when you rush through any journey, you’re prone to ignoring warning and danger signs, traveling when you’re exhausted, or ignoring the dashboard warning light telling you the car is overheating or the oil is dangerously low. You might grab the duct tape to patch things together, which means the journey will be tougher. And dangerous.

And maybe you won’t even be able to arrive at your desired destination.

You’re taking too many risks and not living honestly with your emotions.

And you’ll definitely miss what lessons God has for you along the journey.

It’s about looking to your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scared of those tough emotions?

 Others are frequently scared or uncomfortable of our grief emotions. They want them to go away, or be fixed. Fast. Hence, the toxic positivity statements.

But sometimes we grievers are prone to giving ourselves pep talks because we’re afraid of facing our difficult emotions. I encourage you not to be repulsed by the inevitable moments of desperation and despair. The deep sadness that accompanies grief.

These emotions are normal. They remind us we’re human. And humans need to embrace both the hard and positive stuff in order to be made whole.

 

In the coming weeks, we’ll dive deeper into the benefits of being positive and the negatives of being toxically positive. We’ll also learn coping techniques for dealing with our own and others’ too positive-too soon words and actions, and how to respond to others when they dish out that toxic positivity.

I hope you can join me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invitation—

If you’re grieving, take time to journal and jot down the emotions pouring through your heart. Make note of how they make you feel physically and spiritually. Practice being aware of them without trying to talk them away.

Until next week, be hopeful in all things, but always give yourself permission to hurt and grieve, when it’s right to do so.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, jut as your soul prospers.”

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a health and fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.