Category: Philosophy

How to Grieve Well: Successful Steps to Completing Your Grief Healing—Part 6

IN OUR RECENT GRIEF RECOVERY discussions, we’ve looked at the significance of apologies and forgiveness. Today we’ll look at how significant emotional statements fit into the successful relationship review and grief pain completion.

Significant emotional statements: otherwise known as really important stuff you need to say.

 

What is a significant emotional statement?

A significant emotional statement (SES) is defined as anything of emotional value that doesn’t count as an apology or forgiveness. It’s any comment communicating something important; anything important that was said or left unsaid before someone died, or before a significant relationship (marriage, friendship) ended.

 

Examples of significant emotional statements—

A SES could be statements like:

  • You were such a good husband, who made me laugh and enjoy life.
  • I wish that we would have been given more time together.
  • I wish you would have gone to the doctor sooner. Maybe treatment given sooner would have helped.
  • I love you, and I know how much you loved me.
  • I’m grateful for the full life we lived together.
  • I loved your belly laughs and loving eyes and touch.
  • I’ll miss having breakfast with you every morning, praying with you and discussing our plans for the day.
  • I’ll miss lying in bed with you, holding one another, thanking God for the blessings in our life.
  • I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work.
  • I thought our marriage was for better or for worse; that we’d be together until death do us part.
  • I don’t know what happened for you to end our friendship. I wish you’d tell me so I could make it right.

 

Significant emotional statements are statements conveying your emotional attachments or a feeling, regret, love, desire, hope and expectation.

It’s anything you feel should have been said or should be communicated now.

 

Every relationship is unique, to you—

Understanding and appreciating that every relationship is unique to a person is important, and it affects your significant emotional statements and the statements of others grieving the loss of the same person.

How often have you told a story and your significant other or sibling loudly proclaims: “No, that’s not how it happened!” And they proceed to tell their version of the story and correct yours.

But that’s the point. It’s usually their version of the story they’re telling. Their personal memories, from their point of view. And their emphasis on events and feelings is likely to be much different than yours; their experience will be different.

 

A grieving son will have different emotional experiences about his father than his grieving mother has about her husband. The grieving sister will have different feelings than her grieving brother.

We need to be extra careful not to plant our feelings into the hearts and minds of others grieving the same loss. Or plant feelings of a loss we’ve experienced into the hearts and minds of a friend’s loss.

The death of one mother’s child will not be experienced the same way the death of another mother’s child will be felt.

 

When significant emotional statements need to be followed by forgiving ones—

You’ll find that some significant emotional statements should naturally be followed up with apologies or forgiving statements. Let’s look at some of the above examples.

I love you, and I know how much you loved me, might be followed by “I should have told you more how much you meant to me. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

I wish we had done a better job of making this marriage work. This might have the statement: “I’m sorry for being unforgiving and not working harder on our marriage.” Or: “I forgive you for giving up so easily on us.”

 

The point is that if a negative statement is made, it should be followed up with a statement of forgiveness. Only then will grief completion be possible.

 

What about fond memories—

By all means, put fond memories on the list and make statements about them.

They could be thank you statements, specific memories of good times, significant life events. Things you especially appreciated about the person’s character or personality.

 

Is a significant emotional statement the end of it?

So you’ve written down a list of statements. Is that it? Are you done?

Not quite. We have to put all of these statements together, and remember that just because we do it successfully doesn’t mean we’ll never think about, talk about, or long for the person again.

BUT BEWARE!

Do not skip the forgiveness statements. An unforgiving spirit and withholding forgiveness “is the largest stumbling block to successful completion of the pain caused by loss.” (Grief Recovery Institute)

As I’ve said before, please don’t fall into the trap of believing that forgiveness condones hurtful behavior. Those thoughts and actions curtail and hinder a potentially lifesaving action.

“A lack of forgiveness always imprisons the wrong person.”

I would add that it always damages your heart.

It leaves you in the state of perpetual victimhood, constantly reminding yourself of the painful things, the unfairness of things that happened a very long time ago.

 

Putting it all together—

Putting all these components together gives you the freedom to move on to and achieve grief completion. It’s the catalyst for healing, like when a surgeon re-sets a bone to straighten it out so it can heal. And a physical therapist gives you exercises to complete the healing to return you to a full life.

 

Invitation—
  1. Examine your heart deeply. Are there people in your life you haven’t truly forgiven for their actions? How can you take concrete and effectual steps today to do that?
  2. Is there someone you’ve recently lost who you wanted to say something more to, either before their passing or now? Write these down.
  3. Is there someone you’ve lost to death or lost as a friend that you can and would like to make a significant emotional statement to? Write those statements down.
  4. This can be a time of wonderful memories flooding your heart and mind. Even if they cause you to grieve again, consider the fond memories blessings of a life well lived.
NEXT WEEK: Moving from discovery to completion!

Until then, write down those significant, fond memories and add them to your apologies and forgiving statements.

Blessings,

Andrea

“Beloved, I pray that you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John).

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She mentors people in how to thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.

Finding Peace In Chaos: 10 Tips

I know you already know this, but 2020 has been an unbelievable, and rough year. Pent-up emotions unleashed, brutality on display over and over and over again in living color, anger and resentment driving people to vengeful behavior.

Within and amidst all this chaos, how can and does one find peace?

Not temporary peace that ebbs and flows with beautiful or ugly reality, but the kind of peace that comes and stays and quiets your heart in the midst of pain, injustice, and grief.

 

Perfect peace.

 

Dr. Don Colbert recently had a great blog post about finding peace and purpose in these unsettling times, and I’d like to use some of his post highlight concrete ways to find peace right now. Some of them we’ve recently discussed that I’d like to re-emphasize.

Read on to discover 10 tips to finding peace in the chaos.

 

  1. Name the source of your anger, fear, anxiety, pain—

It’s okay to be angry about something, or with someone. But often we feel angry about “something” without really knowing what that “something” is.

A big part of being able to find peace is naming the source of your anger, fear, anxiety or pain. Naming it gives you opportunity to confront it and understand it.

This is where journaling comes in, which we’ve talked a lot of about in the last several posts. Not only is it okay to journal, it’s healing to do so.

Thankfully, our Heavenly Father isn’t put off by our anger. He even demonstrated His own righteous anger when He cleared the temple of what He called “a den of thieves.” Thieves that made it impossible for people to reach and worship Him.

And the Bible is full of verbalized complaints, anger, frustration, pain and questions. Just read the Psalms, and Job.

Name the source to gain control over it. Just ranting and crying out to God about it helps unload it and qualify it. While He may not agree with your limited assessment about the cause, He will listen and guide you in your thinking and healing.

 

  1. Remember who is ultimately in control—

Although we certainly are surprised, God isn’t surprised by any of this. And that’s good for us, because He alone knows why it’s happening, (He sees what’s really going on behind the scenes and reads hearts), and He alone is the One who can give direction for leading us into greener pastures everyone can enjoy, rest in and feast upon.

It does a turmoil-filled heart good to remind itself of that.

If you want answers, go to the source of the right questions. The One who can give you the results you seek. And talk and listen to Him in prayer and meditation.

As a friend of ours likes to say, “Pray and pray often.”

He loves you and wants to hear from you. Often.

 

  1. Focus on God’s power and promises—

The Bible is loaded with reminders and proofs of God’s power, promises and provisions, and it’s important to pick out a few verses to remind yourself of that.

Some of the passages Dr. Colbert presented are good ones to keep in mind.

 

“…be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

 

“Jesus said unto him, ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets’” (Matt 22:34-40).

 

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:8-12).

 

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him” (John 3:16-17).

 

Another passage I’ve used as a foundation for my life is Joshua 1:9:

 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

 

But the passage before it sets up this command, and it’s worth noting:

 

“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.”

 

Do you see it?

 

There is an if-so-then-that set up. If you read God’s word, meditate in it and try to commit your life to it, then you’ll be more able to prosper and find success in life.

Does hard work always guarantee success? No, because evil works all around us, seeking our failure. And our fallen human condition makes us broken and weak.

We are big sinners in need of a big savior. And we have one in Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah.

One last passage I’ll note that is particularly pertinent right now:

 

“He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the LORD require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8)?

 

How much different would our world and lives look if we:

  • Loved the Lord our God with all our hearts, minds, and souls?
  • Loved our neighbors as we love ourselves?
  • Didn’t melt down in anxiety about anything, but, instead, took all of our anxieties to the Lord and prayed continually—with thanksgiving—about it?
  • Remember that God loves the WHOLE WORLD (that He created), and everyone in it and made the ultimate sacrifice to have a relationship with us?
  • Remember the Lord is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love toward us?
  • Act toward others the same way He acts toward us?

 

  1. Use these truths to pray through and out of your anxiety—

As the famous Nazi concentration campus survivor, Corrie Ten Boom, said,

 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.”

Prayer fills out hearts and minds with strength. It can restore our joy.

 

  1. Take your thoughts captive—

You can talk yourself into almost anything, including fear and anxiety. So it’s important to be able to talk yourself out of them, into gratitude, contentment and joy.

Again, prayer can do that, as you take every time and energy-wasting thought to God and ask Him to do something about it. Ask Him to remove it. Give it away to Him to deal with.

He’ll know what to do with it. You can trust Him on this.

 

  1. Take action in your own life and on behalf of others—

Nothing stops you from spending too much time thinking about yourself and wallowing in your own problems or negativity than to re-focus on others and their needs.

Put your energies into positive actions.

There are a lot of injustices in this world. Look around and identify one you want to pour your energies into and rectify.

What can you write about? What can you volunteer to do to help alleviate suffering and pain?

If you’re unsure, pray about that too. God will open your eyes to needs in your community. He’ll use your gifts to work to right wrongs, to stand up against prejudice and greed and all manner of evil.

And while you’re going about it, make sure you pray for the people you’re standing against. It will calm and open your heart toward them. Help diffuse tensions and open up lines of communication.

It’s very difficult to be angry with someone you’re praying for.

 

  1. Keep a gratitude journal—

Every day write down 3 things you’re grateful for; or at least thank God for them in prayer. Doing that opens your heart to receive joy and peace for the good things in your life.

And not stress so much on the things you don’t have and wish you did.

 

  1. Make sure you do your deep breathing exercises—

As part of your daily meditation, make sure you do your breathing exercises that I highlight in this post

Coping with COVID: Emotions and Grief Relief

 

People who do these breathing exercises and meditate experience more peace and gratitude, have less anxiety, and live longer.

 

  1. Make sure you nourish your body—

Keep your body nourished with good, natural food, the right amount of sleep, fresh air, and exercise.

All these ingredients are critical to good brain function and emotional, physical and spiritual health.

 

  1. Spend quality (and quantity) time with loved ones—

Even though it’s more difficult right now, make sure you carve out time for loved ones. Doing so releases the hormone oxytocin, a natural stress-relieving chemical.

Petting your cat or dog does the same thing, as does looking into someone’s eyes, (even your dog or cat’s eyes), receiving or giving a hug, laughing with someone. Sitting close to them. Touching one another.

Even though it’s difficult to do right now, make good, strong eye contact with people. Even with a mask on, you can usually tell when their eyes sparkle from a smile, a kind word, a joyful encounter.

And I’ve gotten braver, as I’ve hugged several friends I hadn’t seen in months or over a year. Mask on, I’ve put my whole strength into my brief hug, and I’ve enjoyed a enveloping hug in return. Just giving and receiving one makes you laugh with joy and relief.

 

Am I foolish and reckless for doing it? Perhaps. But I’ve decided that life really isn’t worth living without a hug or two; and—especially because one of my love languages is touch, and I grew up in the land of hugs (Hawaii)—my mental and emotional health require it.

So I hug, while praying that God will protect me from deadly viruses and germs.

 

 

As you go forward this week, I want to leave you with two things that have lifted my spirit and given me more joy and peace.

 

Lockdown

Yes there is fear.

Yes there is isolation.

Yes there is panic buying.

Yes there is sickness.

Yes there is even death.

But,

They say that in Wuhan, after so many years of noise,

You can hear the birds again.

They say that after just a few weeks of quiet,

The sky is no longer thick with fumes

But blue and grey and clear.

They say that in the streets of Assisi

People are singing to each other

across the empty squares,

keeping their windows open

so that those who are alone

may hear the sounds of family around them.

They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland

is offering free meals and delivery to the

housebound.

Today a young woman I know

is busy spreading fliers with her number

through the neighbourhood

So that the elders may have someone to call

on.

Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and

Temples

are preparing to welcome

and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.

All over the world people are looking at their

neighbours in a new way.

All over the world people are waking up to a

new reality.

To how big we really are.

To how little control we really have.

To what really matters.

Love.

So we pray and we remember that

Yes there is fear.

But there does not have to be hate.

Yes there is isolation.

But there does not have to be loneliness.

Yes there is panic buying.

But there does not have to be meanness.

Yes there is sickness.

But there does not have to be disease of the

soul.

Yes there is even death.

But there can always be a rebirth of love.

Wake to the choices you make as to how to

live now.

Today, breathe.

Listen, behind the factory noises of your

panic

The birds are singing again.

The sky is clearing,

Spring is coming,

And we are always encompassed by Love.

Open the windows of your soul

And though you may not be able

to touch across the empty square,

Sing.

 

Fr. Richard Hendrick, OFM

March 13, 2020

 

 

Until next week, when we’ll continue our grief myth discussion,

may you be filled to overflowing with joy, peace, and abundant blessings!

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, senior-ordained chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from trauma, grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

After Coronavirus: Fear, Lockdowns, Hope and Rebuilding Lives

Has life changed for you during this coronavirus pandemic and the lockdowns?

Will your life ever return to normal?

Should it?

 

All our lives have changed since this coronavirus pandemic started sweeping across the globe. Some of our lives have changed a little; some have changed dramatically. And some have been upended.

And the question on everyone’s mind is: where do we go from here?

 

Unanswered questions—

Although we’ve been bombarded with opinions, I’m not sure there’s a person alive—including scientists, business owners, or politicians—that know the answer to the question: where do we go from here?

The scientists have their hammer that bangs us on the head with curve flattening mandates, finding therapies, developing vaccines, and not returning to normal until all of that has been accomplished.

The economists’ hammer bangs on the stock market and fears of investors, businesses and nations and signs that economies are collapsing and might never be able to recover.

Fear. Fear. Fear.

When you instill fear, you control the masses.

When you’re afraid, you make decisions based on fear. And fear-driven decisions usually carry poor, or even catastrophic consequences.

We need to take a deep breath, stop watching and listening to media that thrive on villains and catastrophes, and do some serious thinking, praying, and planning.

 

What does the future hold?

There was a moment for many when they wondered if they’d experienced their all-is-lost moment. That point they knew without a shadow of a doubt that life was never going to be the same for them, or anyone else. They looked into the black hole of life’s future and saw, well, a black hole.

And today I’m going to ask a hard question. A question I’ve asked myself, and one my husband and I have been pondering.

Should our lives return to normal?

 

Your personal future—

I think we’re all thinking about our futures. What they hold and what they’ll look like. What we’ve lost. What we had and will have to give up.

And some of us are scared by the vision.

 

My husband’s company is already running the algorithms to discern whether the curve-flattening calculations lined up (I’ll let you know that answer later); and figuring out the best way to return the employees to a safe work environment.

They’re incorporating things like rolling starts, with some employees returning soon and others later. Right now my husband might not return to the physical plant for another 18 months.

And they’re looking at mandatory workplace practices like wearing masks, making sure employees can maintain safe (social) distances during work. Some people working on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; others might work longer hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

They’ve been contact tracing—figuring out who a sick person has come in contact with during their work day, and testing his contacts—since the beginning, and that practice will likely continue.

While my husband is thrilled at the prospect of working from home for another 18 months, a lot of his co-workers are not. They’ve had enough of it, with their kids and spouses in the same house all day. They’re bored. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

 

My husband and I can, and can’t, understand that.

It seemed like a great time to connect with family. Of course, as a former home schooling family, we’re well aware of the obstacles, frustrations, and deep learning curve you transcend in the initial home school transition, being both teacher and parent, and keeping kids challenged, focused, entertained, learning, and reasonably happy.

So we empathize with everyone that got dropkicked into the paradigm.

As for me, I’ve been doing what I was doing prior to the stay-at-home orders: writing in isolation in my study, staring through my French doors and picture windows at the backyard wildlife and budding flowers for inspiration, and meeting with writing and Bible study groups on ZOOM.

Of course ZOOMing with your groups isn’t the same as meeting in person and sharing the energy of writing and critiquing, and hugging and listening, but there have been benefits to it.

For introverts, this lockdown thing has been a boon.

For extroverts whose spirits are shriveling from lack of personal and group contact, not so much.

But none of us want to be stuck in a life of failed dreams, regrets and fears.

 

Moving from fear to peace—

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by scary, all-over-the-map emotions, I want to help you move from fear to peace. From insecurity to security. From doubt to trust. From despair to fear.

When looking at your future, what do you see?

If we rephrase that, we can ask: what do I want and hope to see?

 

Because it really is about hope. Hope in our future. And while our futures may not look like we thought they were going to look at the beginning of the year, we can make sure they’re still full of hope and purpose.

When we take the current paradigm that in some ways looks like that big black yawning hole, or misty fog, we can re-work it to paint a picture. A lovely one that allows us to make the best of the days and times we have.

That allows us to look at these times as a gift to be enjoyed and treasured.

A time to ask the Lord what He’s preparing us for, and what we can learn while navigating the valleys.

 

 

An ancient story that gives tips for our present one—

Several thousand years ago, a little nation faced a similar, gargantuan challenge. More than a challenge, really. A devastating destruction of their homeland and their dreams and hopes for their future, businesses, and families.

It was the nation Israel, and God had decided to use an evil neighboring nation to discipline them. (Israel had fallen away from the promises they’d make to God about living the way He wanted them to. They were overrun with immoral behavior and unfair, deceitful business practices and had grown fat, arrogant hearts.)

I can imagine they thought their 70 years of captivity (3 generations) spelled a death knell for their nation, and for each of them personally. They were likely horrified, and terrified. Prospects for any kind of fruitful, enjoyable living looked bleak.

But God wasn’t blind or deaf to their pain, and He instructed His prophet Jeremiah to give some encouragement to these exiled people:

 

“Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons; and give your daughters in marriage; that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jer. 29:5-7).

 

I believe we can use this instruction as encouragement right now. Lift out the important directives and you have a list of positive, action-oriented words.

A to-do list for living, and multiplying, and prospering. Things you can build hope and a future on.

  • Build
  • Live
  • Plant
  • Eat
  • Get married
  • Encourage your kids to marry
  • Have babies
  • Encourage your kids to marry and have babies, to produce another generation
  • Multiply
  • DO NOT decrease.
  • Seek the welfare of the city in which you’re living, (no matter what the circumstances).
  • Pray to God on the city’s behalf, so
  • You can enjoy the welfare the city enjoys.

 

God didn’t want His people to shrink back, stagnate, wallow in despair over what they lost and didn’t have, and disappear.

He wanted them to THRIVE.

And I think He’s calling us to do the very same right now, in the midst of the dire warnings, the fears, the hammer slinging and smashing.

He doesn’t want us to shrink back, stagnate, or wallow in despair over what we’ve lost and might not regain.

 

So whom will you heed?

The fear-mongers?

Or the God who loves and gives and guides and directs?

 

No matter how long this pandemic goes on, I’m fairly certain God wants you to settle in, raise your family, be fruitful, be a valuable member of your community, and prosper!

 

Confronting realities—

I know many of us will have tremendous difficulties regrouping and planning futures. They may take some time to re-establish.

For others, we feel as though we were living the good life, minding our business and then abruptly flattened on the sidewalk of life. Unable to peel ourselves off the pavement and keep going. We’ve lost our jobs, our paychecks, our resources.

Or we’ve had to say goodbye to family members through remote funerals.

Some of it seems too overwhelming to confront or think about.

In order to emerge from the mess, right our family’s life and us, and build, multiply and prosper, it may take time.

But what better time than now to take stock of our time and our talents, pray for guidance, and formulate new plans? To build and architect hopes for a new future.

As author Dr. Jeff Meyers says in his new book Unanswered Questions, we are “no more than one heartbeat away from eternity.”

And that’s true for all of us.

And because of that, each day—each moment—should be regarded and treated as a gift. As Dr. Meyers emphasizes, it will “change the way we think about God, other people, and, well, everything.”

With Christ in your heart and at the helm of your life and thoughts, meaning will emerge out of fear, hopelessness and emptiness.

 

The future—

A recent ministry newsletter I received pointed out that in the best-case scenario, there will likely be genuine and serious challenges for many of us as a result of what happened.

And even in the worst-case scenario, our God and King is still in control, and our hope has ever been in Him, not in the situations and circumstances of this world.*

And they highlighted one of my favorite Bible verses; one I’ve leaned on innumerable times in scary situations:

“Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

 

Those algorithm results—

So what did data experts in my husband’s company discover from examining the infamous modeling we’ve heard and seen in numerous news reports?

That the curve flattening data and numbers didn’t weren’t lining up. The results weren’t validating the projections.

But does that really matter now that businesses and jobs are lost, that lives are in shambles, and life has been drastically altered?

 

We can’t rewind the clock three months and request a do-over. We need to take what we’ve been given today and make the most of it.

We need to ask: Where do we go from here? What do we need? What do our family, city, state and nation need? And how can we contribute to those needs?

The sooner we ask and answer these questions, the better off we’ll be, and the better headed in the right direction to rebuild our futures. And to prosper in them.

 

 

Invitation—

I invite you to ask yourself some of the same questions my family and I are exploring.

  1. What does my life look like now, and what would I want it to look like next month, by year’s end? Next year?
  2. Given my circumstances right now, how can I achieve that vision? (And how could I change my circumstances to make the achievement more likely?)
  3. What research do I need to do, what counselors do I need to seek out to help me achieve those goals and make that vision vivid and real?
  4. How can we build, plant, eat, multiply, bless, pray and contribute to prosperity so we can all prosper? (Have a brainstorming session and write down ideas. Don’t be afraid to dream, like you did when you were a kid. And don’t knock any ideas you write down. You can evaluate them in a few days or weeks to decide which ones are most important to you and doable.)
  5. If I have the time (and health), whom can I help or volunteer with? If I have the financial resources, whom can I support or lift up with my resources?
  6. Is there anything good I experienced during the lockdown that I would like to continue in the future?

 

NEXT WEEK: We’ve all had some dreams fritter away, abruptly evaporate, or be put on hold due to COVID-19 and the lockdowns. Rather than ignore them, it’s important to identify and validate the emotions this life-altering pandemic has unleashed. And grieve losses of all types.

I’ll be giving you tips for accepting and being comfortable with those emotions and grieving those losses.

You won’t want to miss this valuable post!

Until then,

pray, plan, build, multiply, bless, and prosper.

Andrea

Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

*Jews for Jesus April newsletter

Coronavirus: Fear, Quarantine, Freedom and Peace

Is Coronavirus fear driving you to rebellion and protest or forcing you to hide—fearful and anxiety-ridden—indoors?

Fear drives us to do some pretty irrational things—like reacting rather than thinking and acting prayerfully, intelligently, and purposefully; throwing all caution to the wind and taking unnecessary chances; or—in this case—driving us to turn our homes into quarantine cells.

Where are you right now?

 

Reacting, thinking and planning?

Hiding, or rebelling?

Paralyzed by fear or crying for freedom?

 

And why?

 

Stopping and thinking COVID-19 fear through—

Now, maybe more than ever in some of our lives, it’s critical for us to make the right decisions. The stakes are high.

Unfortunately, with all the conflicting data we’re bombarded with (if you’re paying attention to the bombardment; which, by the way, only heightens the fear), it’s difficult to know who to listen to. What to believe.

While God tells us it’s important to have a multitude of counselors, varying and conflicting opinions abound. We’re not sure who those wise counselors are that we should heed right now.

Our orderly worlds have been destabilized, and we’re searching for ways to right them again.

But there are stakes involved. For everyone.

 

What are the stakes for you?

Individual and Collective Considerations—

Each of us needs to look at our individual situation. How can we best get through this time emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially?

To figure that out, here are some of the serious questions we might ask ourselves:

Am I out of work and needing to support our family?

Do extended family members need physical or emotional help?

Do I and my family need help?

If my income is stable and I’m able to work from home, is it worth forcing a return to normal—maybe too quickly—and risking exposing high-risk friends, family or feeble elderly to my (possibly) asymptomatic condition? Risk getting the vulnerable sick.

Could my outdoor protests risk taxing an already-overwhelmed hospital and exhausted medical staff? Am I showing by my actions that I don’t really care as much as I say I do about those front line workers? Or my neighbors.

Do I have that “elective” cancer surgery when delaying it puts me at even greater risk of waiting too long and succumbing to the cancer—that didn’t go on hiatus for the virus?

 

Or maybe you’re thinking:

I’ve examined all my options. I didn’t qualify for a small business loan, or got turned down, and I need to work to provide for my family. That relief check is only going to take me so far.

I really want to go to the beach, and the Constitution guarantees my right to peaceably assemble there with my like-minded friends.

I have a right to assemble, so I’m going to show up at the governor’s mansion armed to the teeth with a show of firepower force to prove it. Intimidation. That’s the ticket.

 

In his first letter to Timothy, (1:2-3), the Apostle Paul says that we need to pray for our leaders so we can live peaceful and quiet lives. That’s the main goal here.

Living in peace.

Paul says that goal is good and pleases God our Savior.

I can live in peace as long as someone allows me to earn wages to support myself and my family, pay whatever taxes the government extracts, travel to, from and when and where I desire, and be allowed to worship and practice my religion “in godliness and holiness.”

 

I’m not making a political statement here. And I’m not going to divulge what I think about the lockdown and quarantine “laws.”

What I am encouraging everyone to do is to ask themselves the right questions:

What is my personal situation; and what are the stakes?

Know what they are for you, and for your community.

 

We are individuals with rights. But we are also part of a larger tribe. Americans like to think of themselves as country-driven, until something runs up against their personal rights and independence.

 

What to do about our paralyzing COVID fear?

This isn’t about “us” versus “them.” And it isn’t about shaking our fists at the virus, or the authorities, and demanding our rights.

This is about seeking out the omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God who loves us, knows all about the ins and outs of this virus, cares for our pain and fear, and wants us to enjoy peace in the midst of this storm.

I know that’s sometimes easier said than done. But it’s the truth. If we earnestly seek out God and ask, He’ll gracious give us the kind of peace we need to get through this.

 

Why should you ask for and receive peace?

We should ask God for peace because research indicates that those who enjoy that personal, calming and fulfilling relationship with the Lord—particularly followers of Jesus Christ—are suffering less anxiety, fear and depression during this COVID “crisis,” and the unbelievers are suffering more.

We can win this fear battle. We can tamp down reactive rebellion. If we’re able to stay home, we can view it as a time of rest and joy rather than a time of prison.

How do I know that?

Because I had to experience something similar to this 25 years ago.

Assessing my personal stakes—

A little over 25 years ago, I was confined to bed during my pregnancy with my younger son. Completely confined. No getting up and meandering into the kitchen for a snack. No sitting up to relieve the hip and backache.

No freedom.

And I couldn’t even lie flat. My legs, pelvis and chest had to be propped up higher than my head to relieve the pressure on my cervix, which had been sewn shut after I went into premature labor at 22 weeks.

For three months I was only allowed to get up to walk to the bathroom—four steps away. The only exercise I got was contracting my calves to point my toes to reduce the risk of getting blood clots in my legs. I gingerly maneuvered my increasing bulk from one side to the other to avoid getting pressure sores on my hips.

Because my digestive tract shut down a week into the quarantine, my meals were reduced to canned spinach, orange juice, sauerkraut juice, and Ensure. (Yum!) My husband bought it by the carton loads.

I was scared I was going to lose another baby to a high-risk pregnancy problem.

But I was determined to give it my best shot. I counted the cost—the stakes.

They were very high indeed.

Stay in bed and improve my chances of giving birth at full term to a healthy baby.

Or push the envelope, get up when I felt like it, and risk losing it all.

Four months didn’t seem too long, until I parked myself in that bed.

Every day I put a one-day-more check mark on the little pocket calendar propped on the table next to my bed. I counted the number of days I’d successfully lain there, and the number of days remaining. I noted those on the calendar too. If I made it through a morning and into the afternoon, I was overjoyed. One more minute, one more hour, one more day improved the chances.

Alone every day in a big house on four acres in avocado country. I’d eagerly await my husband and four-year old son’s arrival home, to chat with them for a half hour, until they dispersed to do other things. We had no cable TV and only two major channels that always snapped off to bug races by midnight, sometimes the hardest time to be with myself. I watched the entire O.J. Simpson trial. Got to be familiar with his lawyer Johnny Cochran and the rest of the circus. It wasn’t the most inspiring five hours a day, but it kept me entertained.

I couldn’t even enjoy the outside.

Or see it.

The only window in the room was behind my bed, and I couldn’t sit up and look outside.

The French door to the outside had a window it, but it was covered with blinds that didn’t flip open. They could be rolled up, but because the afternoon sun shone in the room and heated it up too much, the blinds remained closed. The only thing I could see through the slats was a little sun during daylight, and a sliver of moonlight at night.

Day after tedious day, I did the same thing. It became a ritual. A ritual I clung to. It was the only thing giving me any sense of stability and hope.

Within a month I thought I was going to go nuts.

And the longer the time went on, the more fearful I became. In spite of the better odds, my anxiety became more pronounced. Depression settled in at night.

Around the third month, the panic attacks started.

I’d never had a panic attack before. It was frightening.

And it nearly drove me out of bed.

And if I had gotten out of it, I likely would have lost the battle.

 

And that’s what could happen to us during this pandemic.

We could get out and return to normal too soon. Test too much of the waters. Not see the rip current beneath the surface ready to sweep us away from safety.

Or—after informing ourselves to the best of our ability, taking counsel, and praying fervently —we could determine in our heart to do what we have to do. Maybe return to work; open our family business to willing customers.

Whatever that is for us, and for our family. And for our community.

Striving, in as much as possible, to live at peace.

 

How do you confront fear and keep going in spite of it?

Staying in bed like that was tough, and lonely.

My doctor reminded me during my check-in phone calls with him that it was a tiny portion of my life to sacrifice. I knew he was right.

But when it was all over (I made it three out of the ideal four months and gave birth to a six and a half weeks premature baby boy who is now six-feet tall and finishing law school), he shook his head and said, “I don’t know how you did it. It must have been shear determination.”

I smiled and shook my head. “No. Determination had nothing to do with it. If it weren’t for God and the heavenly encouragement He gave me through different sources—friends, motivational tapes, and uplifting messages on Christian radio—I would never have made it. I would have gotten out of that bed a long time ago.”

He simply nodded. As though he was in awe.

 

Coronoavirus-19 is an individual problem, and a community problem—

 During this pandemic of worldwide “we,” we stand both alone—sometimes in isolation—and together.

As Christian artists for King and Country, Tori Kelly, and Kirk Franklin sing in their recently released song “Together,” (filmed during quarantine from each of their homes),

we will fall together,

or rise together.

But it may be the individual decisions that cause either one of those scenarios to happen.

What are the stakes for you?

They do affect all of us.

 

 

Invitation—

Have you spent a lot of time in prayer, reflecting on this pandemic and what it means for you, your family, and your community?

What is God saying to you, and what are you going to do about it?

What is the hardest part of the quarantine for you?

What lifts you up, makes the quarantine easier, and reduces your anxiety and depression?

 

May God give you the knowledge, wisdom and discernment you need to answer all of your coronavirus questions and dispel your deepest fears.

Until next time,

May God protect and guide you, in all ways.

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

COVID-19 Virus Battle Emotions: The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

The world has fought a lot of wars throughout history, and it feels as though we’re fighting a war now. A battle against a tiny microbe—officially named COronaVIrusDisease-19 (COVID-19)—invisible to the naked eye. That’s one of the problems with this particular battle. We like to see our enemy, be able to predict what he’s going to do next, calculate how to handle him and thwart his plans.

But with this little halo-surrounded enemy, it seems we can only develop hypothetical models that keep changing, shut everyone behind closed doors, and hope for the best.

It’s obviously a little more complicated and sophisticated than that, but to the average person on the street—who has now been told in some places to continue staying off the street (or beach) or get arrested—it all seems about that simple.

A time of stark contrasts—

The times we’re living in, the battle we’re fighting, brings to mind the opening line from one of my favorite books, one of the best books ever written: A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. A lot of you could probably recite it without looking it up—

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

This beginning of the very l-o-n-g first line pretty much says it all for us. We can relate.

Dickens tells the story about life in another war, the French Revolution, and he continues with a string of contrasts.

 

…it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,

it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,

it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,

it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,

we were all going to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.”

 

A far-flung range of emotions—

How many of us have gone through, or are still going through, these wildly contrasting emotions?

For those of us who cherish our families and time spent with them, we feel doubly blessed to be around them so much.

But domestic violence is on the rise, and tensions are developing in families suffering from too little personal space, or outdoor space. And upended orderly, hyper-scheduled lives.

Drunk driving accidents and arrests are way down; but drinking and drug use have increased dramatically.

We’re looking to trained professionals to give us answers, and we get a multitude of opinions.

A possible breakthrough medication is mentioned, and a couple thinks their fish tank cleaner containing some of the same chemical will work for a homeopathic treatment. After all, they don’t want to get the virus, so—without doctor recommendation or consultation—they ingest their fish tank cleaner. (Who does this!?) The husband dies, and his wife blames our country’s president for her stupidity.

It’s a time of people being terrified and too self-protective, and a time of people throwing caution to the wind, inviting trouble, and putting God to the test.

It’s a time marked by notable events, when we desperately want to believe someone, and a time when we’re so shocked by the unfolding circumstances we doubt everything.

For believers in God, it’s a time when they see Him moving, showing His power, fulfilling prophecy; for the unbeliever, it’s a time of sadness, anxiety, and paralyzing fear.

For those able to maintain their jobs and support their families, it’s a blip on the inconvenience scale. (For some, like my husband, it’s a blessing to not have to rush to and from work every day.) For those watching their lives and livelihoods unravel, they feel stunned, betrayed and helpless. Their futures look dark and impossible. Hopeless.

 

For them, there is nothing before them.

For others, their greatest fear is whether or not they’ll have enough toilet paper to last through the lockdown. For so many around the world, they don’t know if they’ll have food to feed their children their next meal.

For all of us, we only know what we have right now—before us—and see only a question mark for our and our countries’ futures.

 

What next?

When will this end, or will it? Will we have to permanently adjust to a “new normal?’

Will staying quarantined, hunkered down, and apprehensive change our brain chemistry so much that we wouldn’t be able to return to normal even if we wanted to?

 

Rarely in history have we felt the collective “we” we’re now experiencing. The global “we” that for a brief blink in time puts us squarely in the human fragility boat.

As a young man said during an international prayer call I joined in on a week ago: “Thank you, Lord, for bringing us to our knees and showing us just how small, helpless and vulnerable we are.”

It was an admission of humility, of God’s omnipotence. And it was also a plea for mercy to a God that listens when His people cry out to Him. He’s not the detached, aloof God of the Deist; He’s a God of His creation, His people, His children, who listens when they say, “Abba (Daddy), help!”

It may not seem as though He’s listening or moving, but He is. He always is.

 

 

What’s in a name—war or not?

 Some people don’t like referring to this pandemic as a war. While it may not be in the strictest sense, for many people it certainly is a battle—emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.

As during Dickens’ story, we are living in a time of stark contrasts:

  • hope and fear
  • knowledge and ignorance
  • trust and suspicion
  • resignation and obedience and blaming and rebellion
  • hope and hopeless
  • Light and Darkness
  • hope and despair
  • joyful solitude and despairing isolation
  • resolution and waffling
  • meditation and anxiety
  • acceptance and rejection
  • prayer and self-focus
  • gain and loss

 

Good emotions versus bad emotions—

 I could fill pages with these contrasts. And strike up a passionate discussion.

Are these negative emotions bad?

No. They’re honest emotions, reasonable and human reactions to upended lives, unknown futures, unanswered questions, and death.

The negative emotions aren’t bad, unless we allow them to swallow up or control our thoughts, kill the positive emotions, and rule our lives.

But the ultimate question is: which contrast do you want to cling to, to practice, to emulate? To grow in. To emerge from this pandemic a better person than you were when you entered it.

Because it is a time of change and growth. A time when we’re confronted with difficult decisions. And we need to look to Someone who can shine a Light on the best ones and guide us down the best paths.

Ultimately, we do have a choice to make it our worst of times or our best of times. Or the opposite.

 

I don’t mean to imply that this is easy. It’s not. It may take every last ounce of energy we have to successfully emerge and resume a more “normal” life. One that’s hopeful and purposeful. God’s been known to do that to people throughout history to make alterations permanent.

 

It helps us remember.

A little encouragement—

Before I sign off with the invitation for today, I want to leave you with a couple of encouraging truths:

 

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”                                                                                                                      —Thomas Merton

 

“It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”                                                                                                                                                         —Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV)

 

Invitation
  1. Write down all of the emotions this pandemic and chaos has caused you to experience. Don’t judge them, or yourself. Just jot them down.

Then write down why you think you’ve felt these emotions—like fearfulness, anxiety, weepiness, peace.

Draw pictures to accompany your feelings.

Continue to do this as your lockdown progresses or restrictions are eased.

Do you see changes in your emotions and their ability to control you?

  1. Write the steps you can take to make sure your emotions and physical and spiritual life end up on the positive side of the contrasts.

Or turn it into a prayer, asking God to help and guide you to accomplishing those attitudes and behaviors.

Better yet, turn it into worship. It’s hard to feel negative emotions when you’re singing praise and worship songs!

Here’s one of my favorites to get you started.

 

 

And I’ll see you back here next week (or sooner)!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, chaplain, and award-winning inspirational writer. She works and writes to help people recover from grief and loss and to live their best lives — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.