Category: Religion

Helping Others Deal With Grief Over the Holidays: Part II

DO YOU KNOW anyone suffering from grief this holiday season? Are you looking for ways to lessen their heart’s pain?

Today we’ll continue with our series on grief and helping others deal better with grief deepened by holiday loneliness and melancholy. For the first list of suggestions, see last week’s post: “Helping Others Deal With Holiday Grief Part I”.

 

Don’t be afraid to name names—

Although it’s tempting to tiptoe around using a deceased person’s name, it’s best that you not fear using the deceased person’s name, even if it triggers tears in the grieving person. If you knew the deceased, let the grieving person know how much you’ll miss their loved one or friend. Just offering a comment, like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” can sound impersonal. If you’re sorry, say it, but also identify the person by name. Validate that the person hasn’t disappeared from the grieving person’s conscientious, even though they are out of their daily life.

For years—more than sixty, to be more specific—my mother referred to my older sister, her first baby, who died in utero due to umbilical cord strangulation, as “that baby.” I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—identify her by name. As though it hurt less to name her or think of her as a real human being.

I always refer to my older sister—who I have never met—as “Cheryl,” which is what they named her. Cheryl Ray Arthur.

I always say my deceased baby’s name when referring to her—Victoria. Of course, I held her in my arms and loved her for a brief day. Something my mother wasn’t given the option to do. My dad made the decision to not allow my mom to see her. I know he was probably trying to protect my mom, but I’m sure it didn’t help in the grieving process—to not be able to hold the baby you’d carried and felt for nearly nine months. Doctors and nurses are now wiser about such things.

 

Go beyond the general question—

Think of asking something deeper than “How are you?”

I know. It’s the easiest, most common question to ask a grieving person. But the answer is usually pretty obvious. They’re not doing well. From a really close friend, it might sound sincere. But more often it sounds more like an everyday, pat question.

Instead, try digging deeper into their feelings, with a question like: “How are you feeling today?” Or “Is today a good day or a rough day?” And then let them open up. Or not.

 

Be sure to offer the grieving person hope—

This is great advice, as long as you don’t venture into making pat comments like “It was God’s will,” or “It must have been for the best.” If the grieving person offers these comments first—as many will do after watching a loved one deteriorate and suffer with cancer—then you may feel freer to agree with them. You might even feel free to rejoice with them that their loved one is no longer suffering.

But the best advice is to let them take the lead. And assure them that as bad as it feels right now, as black as the valley feels, they will get through it. At the same time, assure them that it’s okay to grieve, and that everyone grieves at their own pace. Encourage them to not allow others to push them along, or pay heed to those that tell them to be tough, to pull them up by their bootstraps and get on with life.

Assure them that others will be by their side as much or as little as they want as they walk the path of grief. Encouraging them to join a grief group, or take them to one, can also be helpful and feel supportive. Being with others who are suffering through the loss of a loved one can be encouraging. It goes a long way to not feel so alone.

When you first experience the pain of loss, you’re tempted to feel as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the pain you’re going through. Hearing others talk about their pain can help soothe your throbbing heart.

 

We’ll leave it there for today, but next week we’ll have more tips on helping others manage their grief as they slog through the holidays.

Until then, hold your loved ones closely and rejoice over the time you have with them, not matter how limited that time may be.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Cope With Grief During the Holidays—Part 1

The holiday season is fast approaching. I can’t believe we’re already into November, and the close of the year is just a squeak over seven weeks away. I’m not ready for it mentally. But at least I’m looking forward to the potential joy and peace of it. Feelings many, if not most people, don’t enjoy during the holiday season.

 

While many of us look forward to the holidays with joy, too many look forward to them with dread and heavy hearts. Many of us anticipate fun days full of children and grandchildren laughter and squeals of delight, silent nights and flickering candles shared with church family and friends. Roasted turkey in the middle of a table surrounded by grateful loved ones.

 

But what about the couple whose cancer-stricken child won’t be seated at the table with them this year, or ever again?

What about the despondent mother whose husband has just walked out the door, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to provide any kind of holiday for her two shell-shocked children?

What about the older widow who will have to spend the day alone because her children live a couple thousand miles away, and no one in her tiny sphere has thought of inviting her to join their family for festivities?

Or the aged man confined to a memory care facility, without family members or friends.

 

Coping with grief (and thriving) at this time of year—

It seems like a morbid subject to discuss during this otherwise festive (market and product-driven) time of year, but that’s the subject I’ll be covering for this month and most of December—

How to make it through the grief that can overwhelm us at this time of year, and help others around us slog through it too.

Aside from recent pain, holidays can open up old wounds. Melancholy and depression can be overwhelming. Just how can we help ourselves, and those around us, get through this time of year with a modicum—or more—of joy and look forward to a new year full of hope and promise?

 

Our goal won’t be too forget our pain—the circumstances or the people it swirls around—but to work through it. To use it to our advantage, to gain strength and hope from it.

To resist the forces that would bury our hearts alive.

Preparing our hearts for the holidays—

We’ll formally begin this process next Monday. But until then, I want to give you something that will encourage your heart.

Remember that God is for you, not against you, no matter what others insinuate or what your broken and disillusioned and shocked heart may tell you. Or what the evil one may whisper in your ear.

God stands ready, willing and able to hold you close, carry, or walk you through it.

 

And for those of you who look forward to the holidays with rejoicing, be on the lookout for people who need comfort and a tender, encouraging word.

 

And maybe a place at your celebration table.

Until then,

Prepare to dig and go deep, with yourself and others.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How I Achieved True Emotional Freedom

Something happened to me the other day that allowed the chains of bondage to guilt, fear, anger, frustration, regret and worry to be demolished. And there are no words to describe the sense of freedom and joy I have experienced from the shedding of that weighty burden.

 

In the past, I have shared a little with you about the poor relationship I’ve had for years with my mother. It seems that I could do nearly nothing right in her eyes, and she harbors resentment and anger that frequently show up in her biting words and volatile reactions. She seems to look for ways I’ve failed or disappointed her.

She’s been like this most of the time I’ve known her, and I’ve heard stories about her behavior before I arrived on the scene.

She’s inferred to my husband that her problems stem from me—things I’ve said, things I’ve done wrong, things I haven’t done, ways I haven’t behaved quite like she wanted me to behave.

 

The history—

But I know the anger didn’t start with me. It was forged 97 years ago when she was born into a family riddled with anger and backbiting, volatile tendencies. A family destined to yell, fight, retaliate, hold grudges and physically punish offenses.

My mother was definitely not born into a family of peace. And she acknowledged that one day when I pointed it out. “No, I sure wasn’t,” she responded.

Learning that helped a little in not accepting the burdens she tried to lay on me, but it was still difficult to keep them from hurting my heart.

 

What changed on October 2 rocked my world, for the better.

 

My day of chain-breaking freedom—

My husband and I had just taken my mother to her audiologist to have her hearing aids checked, cleaned and re-set for additional hearing loss. Her moderate dementia has only complicated matters, but I’m dealing with that and cutting her slack on almost everything she says or asks me to do for her.

But that morning, on the way back to her memory care home, she wanted to know if we could stop at a drugstore to buy her some candy.

 

Now, normally that wouldn’t be a problem, except for two issues:

1) We had honored her request a couple of months earlier and purchased two bags of peppermints and a bag of chocolates for her. She ended up consuming the entire bag of chocolates in one afternoon without anyone at the home knowing it (she was hiding it) and got VERY sick. Sick enough that the nurse practitioner needed to be called, and I had to run to the nearest Walgreens to get the medicine and deliver it to her nurses.

2) My husband had left his car at her care home and needed to get back to it so he could go to work.

 

When I told her we couldn’t stop, she pinched her lips together, and the fuming started. Then the biting comments followed. My husband was nearly seething when we pulled up to her home and helped her out of the car and into the house. I didn’t hear the conversation, but he asked her what she was so mad about.

Surprise!

She was mad at me, for having and exercising so much control over her.

After he left for work, my mom got settled into her chair, and we chatted for several minutes. Then I leaned over to hug and kiss her goodbye.

She kept her arms glued to her sides as she often does when she’s upset with me. She wants me to pay for my actions. Let me know she’s unhappy with me.

I stood up again and said, “So you don’t want to give me a hug?”

Her response? “I don’t feel like it right now.”

 

And that’s when the light bulb went off and the burden fell from my heart.

That’s how my mom has always tried to make me pay for my misbehavior.

With tantrums.

And shaming.

Years and years of giving love and withdrawing it. Trying to keep me on my toes and performing to her standards.

Withdrawing her love when I didn’t measure up. Giving it when I was making her happy.

 

Something I can’t imagine doing to my children, and may God discipline me if I ever do it.

And I realized in that instant that she probably never really learned how to love unconditionally, the way a parent should love a child.

 

The way God loves us.

 

My mother never received that kind of love, never felt that kind of love, and, consequently, never could show and give it to me.

And in one split second moment, it all made sense.

 

My revelation released her of an expectation I always had for her; and it released me of any guilt, fear, or worry about having done wrong or about doing wrong in the future.

 

Obviously it doesn’t let me off the hook for being kind, attentive, friendly and loving toward her, just as God is toward me and wants me to be to others.

But it lowered my expectations from receiving anything from her to zero.

And that freed my heart to love unconditionally; the way God intends his children to display love.

Just like Him.

My mom can’t give something she’s never possessed, so I’m a fool when I do expect. It only ends up hurting me.

 

The Result—

I look forward to our visits with joy and without stress or agitation, since I’m no longer wrapped up in or swayed by her ever-shifting moods.

And she seems to be happier too. Our visits are good. She looks forward to them, thanks me profusely for them, and tells me how much they mean to her. We rarely argue or disagree. I’m no longer communicating defensively with her, as though waiting for the other shoe to drop—with a shield of protection encased around my heart.

 

And finally, when God decides it’s her time to go, I won’t be left with remorse, bitterness or regrets.

 

My husband, younger son and I have our suspicions that that’s the reason He’s kept her on earth all of these tough, extra years—so I can let her go with a free and joyful heart.

And not be burdened with years of unresolved pain and regret.

 

After years and years and years of heartache, frustration, tears, and beseeching prayers, I think I’ve finally learned what He’s been trying to teach me and was probably too weak and stubborn to figure out.

I am giddy with gratefulness.

My life has totally changed.

How about you?

Are you expecting something from someone that they can’t possibly give you?

How could acknowledging that rock your world?

 

Until next week, when we’ll be talking painting over deep cracks.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Are You Working Well for the Lord?

I was stunned and disappointed (and righteously disgusted) when I read the sentence in the blogger’s post that I gasped and then read it again—twice—to let it sink in.

And then I thought: No wonder people act the way they do, and none of us trust one another. This problem is more rampant than I imagined.

The blogger that wrote the alarming sentence is a successful freelance writer from Australia that I admire and follow, for freelance writing and pitching tips.

She was talking about the on-line training course she’d been putting together and is close to launching, and some horrible advice she got about teaching online course.

This is the sentence that stunned me.

 

“I’ve ignored the advice of a prominent online course creator who told me that I should be giving as little of myself as possible (in order to make the most money), but this just doesn’t feel right to me.”

 

Wow! A prominent course creator told her to give as little of herself as possible to the teaching of the students that have paid their hard-earned cash to have her teach them?

Unbelievable. I am SO glad it just didn’t feel right to her. Because it’s not!

Now I respect her even more.

As believers, if we’re at all tempted to do this to be able to make more money, we need to do some serious soul searching.

In all ways and in all things we should be giving ALL of ourselves, wholeheartedly to what we’re doing, not with the accolades of people in mind, but with the joy and glory of—and to—the Lord.

There are several Bible passages that come to mind that teach this virtue:

Ecclesiastes 9:10 admonishes us:

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.” (italics mine)

 

That sounds a little morbid, but let’s look at what the Apostle Paul tells believers in Colossians 3:23:

 

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, [enthusiastically], as though you were working for the Lord and not for people.”

 

I can only imagine what God thinks of us when we take the kind of attitude that we’re only going to give 50% to something that someone else is paying us to do for them.

I remember back 23 years ago back in California, when a roofer and his apprentice were fixing our leaking roof back. I padded outside to see how things were going and heard the business owner (the roofer) say to his apprentice:

 

“Come on. We need to work harder and do the best job we can for these folks. They’re paying us good money and expecting us to do a good job.”

 

His apprentice perked up and sped up and paid attention to his work.

I so appreciated their work ethic. He was right. We were paying them good money to get a job done for us, as quickly and as well as they could. And his work was perfect. He finished the work ahead of schedule. And we never had another leak.

Sadly, this attitude doesn’t surprise me. Just look around you. Notice how the customer service attention and care has plummeted, right along with the attitude of the people you’re paying to help you or who provide a service for you. The general implosion of good behavior, kind manners and social/business etiquette; the self-serving attitude running rampant around the world.

 

I get the fact that for a variety of reasons—illness, fatigue, frustration, resentment, misunderstanding, you name it—most of us will fail to do our best jobs 100% of the time at whatever we’re setting our hands to do.

When that happens, we can be convicted, ask for forgiveness and focus on doing a better job the next time.

What I’m addressing here is the deliberate, self-serving (selfish) plan to give less than 100% right from the start.

All that we do should be done well, as unto God, throwing our whole soul into it and looking to him alone for praise, and gratification of a job well done.

 

One final note: Aristotle had something to say about this too.

 

“Quality is not an act, it is a habit.”

 

Amen to the habit of always aiming for quality!

I’ll hop off my soapbox now and tuck it away for another time. But I pray that each of us carefully considers what we do and how we do it, and the One watching. He’s the One we aim to please, and He’s watching.

Don’t let your witness for Him be damaged by deliberate deception.

 

Until next week, do with all your might whatever you set your hands to do.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Are Your Dreams Too Big?

I’m flitting around the Northwest, enjoying the great outdoors, but I wanted to give you a shot of encouragement today, especially if you have a tendency to chastise yourself for not measuring up, for over-planning and under-achieving, for comparing yourself too much and too often to others who seem to be poster persons of success and finding yourself wanting, and then doing it all over again, hoping things will be different this time.

 

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted her, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

I’m flitting around the Northwest, enjoying the great outdoors, but I wanted to give you a shot of encouragement today, especially if you have a tendency to chastise yourself for not measuring up, for over-planning and under-achieving, for comparing yourself too much and too often to others who seem to be poster persons of success and finding yourself wanting, and then doing it all over again, hoping things will be different this time.

 

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

 

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

 

 

Until next week, may God bless your dreams!

 

Blessings,

 

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.