Spiritual Balance – Page 7 – Andrea Arthur Owan

How I Achieved True Emotional Freedom

Something happened to me the other day that allowed the chains of bondage to guilt, fear, anger, frustration, regret and worry to be demolished. And there are no words to describe the sense of freedom and joy I have experienced from the shedding of that weighty burden.

In the past, I have shared a little with you about the poor relationship I’ve had for years with my mother. It seems that I could do nearly nothing right in her eyes, and she harbors resentment and anger that frequently show up in her biting words and volatile reactions. She seems to look for ways I’ve failed or disappointed her.

She’s been like this most of the time I’ve known her, and I’ve heard stories about her behavior before I arrived on the scene.

She’s inferred to my husband that her problems stem from me—things I’ve said, things I’ve done wrong, things I haven’t done, ways I haven’t behaved quite like she wanted me to behave.

The history—

But I know the anger didn’t start with me. It was forged 97 years ago when she was born into a family riddled with anger and backbiting, volatile tendencies. A family destined to yell, fight, retaliate, hold grudges and physically punish offenses.

My mother was definitely not born into a family of peace. And she acknowledged that one day when I pointed it out. “No, I sure wasn’t,” she responded.

Learning that helped a little in not accepting the burdens she tried to lay on me, but it was still difficult to keep them from hurting my heart.

What changed on October 2 rocked my world, for the better.

My day of chain-breaking freedom—

My husband and I had just taken my mother to her audiologist to have her hearing aids checked, cleaned and re-set for additional hearing loss. Her moderate dementia has only complicated matters, but I’m dealing with that and cutting her slack on almost everything she says or asks me to do for her.

But that morning, on the way back to her memory care home, she wanted to know if we could stop at a drugstore to buy her some candy.

Now, normally that wouldn’t be a problem, except for two issues:

1) We had honored her request a couple of months earlier and purchased two bags of peppermints and a bag of chocolates for her. She ended up consuming the entire bag of chocolates in one afternoon without anyone at the home knowing it (she was hiding it) and got VERY sick. Sick enough that the nurse practitioner needed to be called, and I had to run to the nearest Walgreens to get the medicine and deliver it to her nurses.

2) My husband had left his car at her care home and needed to get back to it so he could go to work.

When I told her we couldn’t stop, she pinched her lips together, and the fuming started. Then the biting comments followed. My husband was nearly seething when we pulled up to her home and helped her out of the car and into the house. I didn’t hear the conversation, but he asked her what she was so mad about.

Surprise!

She was mad at me, for having and exercising so much control over her.

After he left for work, my mom got settled into her chair, and we chatted for several minutes. Then I leaned over to hug and kiss her goodbye.

She kept her arms glued to her sides as she often does when she’s upset with me. She wants me to pay for my actions. Let me know she’s unhappy with me.

I stood up again and said, “So you don’t want to give me a hug?”

Her response? “I don’t feel like it right now.”

And that’s when the light bulb went off and the burden fell from my heart.

That’s how my mom has always tried to make me pay for my misbehavior.

With tantrums.

And shaming.

Years and years of giving love and withdrawing it. Trying to keep me on my toes and performing to her standards.

Withdrawing her love when I didn’t measure up. Giving it when I was making her happy.

Something I can’t imagine doing to my children, and may God discipline me if I ever do it.

And I realized in that instant that she probably never really learned how to love unconditionally, the way a parent should love a child.

The way God loves us.

My mother never received that kind of love, never felt that kind of love, and, consequently, never could show and give it to me.

And in one split second moment, it all made sense.

My revelation released her of an expectation I always had for her; and it released me of any guilt, fear, or worry about having done wrong or about doing wrong in the future.

Obviously it doesn’t let me off the hook for being kind, attentive, friendly and loving toward her, just as God is toward me and wants me to be to others.

But it lowered my expectations from receiving anything from her to zero.

And that freed my heart to love unconditionally; the way God intends his children to display love.

Just like Him.

My mom can’t give something she’s never possessed, so I’m a fool when I do expect. It only ends up hurting me.

The Result—

I look forward to our visits with joy and without stress or agitation, since I’m no longer wrapped up in or swayed by her ever-shifting moods.

And she seems to be happier too. Our visits are good. She looks forward to them, thanks me profusely for them, and tells me how much they mean to her. We rarely argue or disagree. I’m no longer communicating defensively with her, as though waiting for the other shoe to drop—with a shield of protection encased around my heart.

And finally, when God decides it’s her time to go, I won’t be left with remorse, bitterness or regrets.

My husband, younger son and I have our suspicions that that’s the reason He’s kept her on earth all of these tough, extra years—so I can let her go with a free and joyful heart.

And not be burdened with years of unresolved pain and regret.

After years and years and years of heartache, frustration, tears, and beseeching prayers, I think I’ve finally learned what He’s been trying to teach me and was probably too weak and stubborn to figure out.

I am giddy with gratefulness.

My life has totally changed.

How about you?

Are you expecting something from someone that they can’t possibly give you?

How could acknowledging that rock your world?

Until next week, when we’ll be talking painting over deep cracks.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Benefits of Active and Passive Rest

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately, probably because I hadn’t been getting as much sleep as I needed. Knee injury pain made sleep—or any kind of decent rest—impossible for several weeks, and my own careless lifestyle added to the problem.

I was staying up too late, reading too many articles on my phone, getting my eyeballs fried from the glaring light and lack of blinking. (You know we blink less when we stare at tech screens, don’t you? That causes our eyes to take in more light and get dry from the lack of moisturizing when benefit from when we do blink.)

I finally had enough, so I mandated some going-to-bed practices for myself and enlisted my evil cell phone for support! Next week, I’ll tell you all about what I did and how well it’s working for me. But today, I want to cover a couple of other important habits or lifestyle practices that can help you stay healthier and happy.

Like sleep, they fall into the category of rest.

Active Rest—

According to the 12 Minute Athlete, “active rest” is when you’re still moving but not at the intensity level that you normally move on a regular workout day. It’s important for people who workout daily to rest overworked muscles and aid the recovery process.

But what if you’re not an athlete, or everyday, hardcore exerciser?

Active Rest is beneficial for anyone who is busy and pretty active on a daily basis. And you don’t have to be running, lifting weights or participating in heavy cycling.

Think about your daily workload and the stress you incur while working. Do you have to run from office to office, or building to building? Are you going brain dead from all of the nonsense planning meetings you have to attend?

Active rest can be a day where you change up the pace a bit by slowing down and focusing on more relaxing, gentle movements.

According to the article, active rest can be:

Going for an easy to moderate hike with your friends or family
Taking an easy bike ride
Going for an easy swim
Light stretching
Taking a relaxing walk (This is not power walk time!)
Playing with your dog, kids, grandkids
Doing some sort of fun activity that you enjoy. Maybe something new to exercise or stress different body parts. Nothing competitive.

The goal is to get moving, but not too much.

Some of the article feedback noted people doing house cleaning, Pilates and stretching. Other people liked to box. (That seems to be gaining popularity, especially among women.)

My husband used to pull out his roller blades and he, I, the kids and the dogs would head down to a local park for several zooms around the walking path. The boys would wheel right along with their dad. I was the designated dog walker, by choice. A roller blader, I’m not.

Passive Rest—

While athletes will define passive rest as participating in an active that allows your heart rate to drop back to normal as quickly as possible, we’re aiming for something a little more pedestrian or general public level here.

For our purposes, passive rest is when you’re quietly resting but still awake, and not engaged in multitasking.

I think a lot of people might engage in this too much, but there are others—like my husband—who have great difficulty just sitting and resting quietly. It’s taken years of practice, but now he looks forward to it. Advancing age may be contributing, but he’s making the most out of his passive rest periods. It’s a time he can shut his overactive brain down and recover.

What kinds of activities constitute “quietly resting?”

You could be lying on the couch with your eyes closed. My mother used to say she was “checking out the backs of her eyelids” when she did this, when we accused her of sleeping.

Although some say watching a movie or television is quiet resting, I’d be cautious about putting that in the resting category. Unless it’s a comedy or a somewhat interesting movie, television watching has been shown to actually decrease brain wave function to a damaging level. You want to rest, but I don’t think we’re aiming for brain dead.

As a society, we sit way too much and much of that sitting is down in front of a television, anyway. I would recommend that you use this rest technique judiciously and sporadically because it’s also contributed to the horrendous obesity epidemic we have going on in our country.

Another good passive rest can be a soak in a spa tub or bubble bath, eyes closed or reading a book.

But whatever you select, make sure you pick out an activity that makes you feel relaxed and that slows your breathing. Maybe coloring, brushing your dog or cat, daydreaming. Watching a sunset or sunrise. Listening to your favorite classical or acoustic worship music.

Mix it up—

Make sure you incorporate both active and passive resting periods into your week.

Sunday—the most popular day of rest—is a wonderful day to fit these in. Try using these techniques to unwind and recharge mentally, instead of using Sunday to run errands or hit the mall.

I think you’ll find the health and fitness rewards amazing!

Until next week,

Find your passive resting happy place or space.

Your brain (and body) will be celebrating!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Are Your Dreams Too Big?

I’m flitting around the Northwest, enjoying the great outdoors, but I wanted to give you a shot of encouragement today, especially if you have a tendency to chastise yourself for not measuring up, for over-planning and under-achieving, for comparing yourself too much and too often to others who seem to be poster persons of success and finding yourself wanting, and then doing it all over again, hoping things will be different this time.

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted her, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

Christian music artist Josh Wilson has a great song out called “Dream Small.” When I watched the official YouTube version, it reminded me of the story of the young woman applying to a prestigious college. On her entrance essay, she said she hadn’t achieved anything extraordinary and didn’t want to be a leader; she wanted to be the best follower and team person she could be. The admissions counselors were so impressed that they admitted, without reservation. They noted how refreshing it was to receive an honest essay, one that didn’t embellish facts or awards or brag about what a great leader the student would be.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to stop listening to achievement pundits who extol pushing and achieving and sacrifice at the cost of family, friendships, and sometimes morals.

Enjoy a refreshing look at dreaming and doing in Josh Wilson’s “Dream Small,” and note just how important those small, cumulative dreams and actions are to life and those your dreams influence.

Simple moments really can change lives—yours and others.

Until next week, may God bless your dreams!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

5 Ways to Avoid Stress-Eating

I’m actually on my way to the great Northwest to attend the wedding of my older son’s best friend. He spent a lot of time at our house throughout their college years and is like a nephew to us. After the wedding, we’ll be exploring the area and then driving south to visit relatives. We’re excited.

But we’ll be confronted with a dilemma, one many people confront when they’re traveling or attending celebrations.

We need to keep a close eye on our nutrition plan while we’re away.

We don’t want to do any stress eating, any lazy eating, any “just this once” eating and then watch our waistlines enlarge and our clothes tighten.

To that end, we’ll have to maintain some self control, and frequently remind ourselves just how lousy we feel when we break down and eat something we know gives us problems, that will likely make us sick, and regretting that we ever opened our mouths and poked the food inside.

Just as I’m about to fly away, Harvard Health hits my email inbox with an article on how to avoid Stress Eating. I’m going to share some of the highlights with you. Hopefully it will help all of us as we work, play, and celebrate!

5 ways to manage, and avoid, stress-triggered eating—

Make sleep a priority!

This is SO important for your health. Get 7 – 9 hours of good, restful sleep each night. Try to make your bedtimes and wake times as consistent as possible, even on the weekends. Stop watching television or using screen technology at least an hour before bedtime. Use the bedtime function on your smart phone and stick to it, with the screen switching to a warm color a couple of hours prior to going to bed and staying that way until the wake up music goes off.

For the last couple of weeks, Chris and I have been making a point of shutting down the electronics at least an hour before bed, grabbing a book and reading until 10:00, our designated in-bed time. The positive effects have been amazing! We’re enjoying the quiet and proximity to one another, and the melatonin cranks up in the limited light, preparing our bodies for a restful sleep.

Take some time to meditate on how you view your work/life situation and what about it makes you stressful

Going through this process is about identifying whether or not you can change your response to any stress in your family or work life. Maybe you need to add more meditation to your life, learn how to take deep breaths and not get so wrapped up in life or work drama. Finding a support group—for over-eating—is also helpful.

3. Plan ahead for potentially stressful times

Know you intend to overeat at the holidays, or when a big report or presentation is due at work? Take some extra self-defense steps to curtail the eating. Keep healthful snacks around, make sure you focus on the work or event and don’t procrastinate about the time it will take to prepare. Design stress-reducing activities for the holidays, and resist over loading yourself during these high-stress times.

Burn off the tension, or take your frustrations out on the gym equipment or pavement

Make sure you stick to your exercise regimen and don’t let others or their schedules squeeze out your exercise. Like sleep, exercise helps keep your fat-accumulating hormone (cortisol) at bay and your brain alert and healthy. Exercise needs to be a non-negotiable.

Consider a doctor consult or counselor who can talk you through it and give you some great options for behavior modification

If, after all of the first 4 ideas and practices fail (and you’ve given them a honest, focused shot), it might be time to get some professional help.

BONUS TIP: If you struggle in this area, make sure you always take your burden to the Lord in prayer. It is helpful to pray in any situation where you feel stressed or weak, or on the verge of caving in to temptation. God stands ready to come to your aid and provide you a way out!

Good luck, and I’ll meet you back here October 2!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Make the Most of Your Fall Season

Someone recommended the book to me after our daughter, Victoria, died, an award winning kid’s book by psychologist Dr. Leo Buscaglia called The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages.

It’s about a leaf named Freddie who is in the process of watching all of the other leaves lose their brilliant summer green, change to beautiful fall hues of scarlet, orange and yellow, and finally lose their grip on the tree limb. Wiser leaves around Freddie explain the process so he can be prepared and ready when his time comes to be released from the tree and join the earth below. The book is supposed to help young children cope with and understand death.

I read the book to our son, Parker, who had just turned three when his sister died in childbirth. And then we read it every fall after that, on the first day of autumn. It was a ritual that calmed my heart.

When my son Cory was born, he joined the reading time. Now it’s time to pull the book off the library shelf and read it again, by myself this time since the boys are out of the house and on their own making their own lives in this world. They’re no strangers to loss and heartache. I think reading about Freddie has helped prepare them for life’s fragility.

But this year, on the first day of autumn, (which is next week Monday), I’ll be enjoying the fall foliage of the Northwest. I’m attending a wedding up there, and I’m looking forward to being in the thick of the season change. It’s one of my and my husband’s most precious memories of living in the Midwest: waking up to the cold snap in the air, watching the leaves turn brilliant colors and scatter across the roads and landscape. We get a little of that around here, and if we want to drive up the mountain behind us, we are usually treated to a pretty good show. But it never quite feels like enough. I can understand when people say they want to live some place where there are real seasons.

Kind of like life—living it as though it has seasons and leaning in to each of them.

Making the most of the fall season—

Aside from the colder weather tingling your skin, and the general slowdown in activities, fall can really be a state of mind. One you can use to your advantage.

Let go of stuff—

As you start to slow down, say goodbye to summer, and anticipate the darker, colder days of winter, why not rummage through your closet for items you’ve mentally discarded or promised yourself you didn’t wear this past fall and winter and probably won’t wear again in the next.

I was riffling through my closet yesterday, trying to find something to wear to church service that still had the vibrant colors of spring and summer to match my happy mood and our still-warm weather and my eyes settled on some items I’d forgotten I had (and knew I was looking forward to wearing again), and items I didn’t wear last year and knew I probably wouldn’t wear again this winter.

And I realized I didn’t want to wear them just because I felt guilty that they’d been hanging neglected in my closet.

I made a mental note that I’m going to screw up my courage, pluck them from their hanger, and take them to either a second-hand clothing store or donate them.

I’m saying the same for books now too. I’m running out of room to shelve them. And I’ve acquired a new load from my parents’ library in the last several years. Some of them remain in boxes, and I had to honestly ask myself: Will I ever read them? And will my kids even be interested in them?

Probably not. There are those I do hope they’ll find time to read in some distant future, but the chances of your children even being vaguely interested in those things that enticed you—like heirlooms and collections—will not likely appeal to your children. My younger son has already laid claim to my china and family heirlooms, (I have to talk to his brother first before that gets written in ink in my will), so I know what he’s interested in. But as a wise woman once counseled a group I attended:

Unless you have the space to store, the time to keep it clean, or the money to keep it, then it should go. No storage allowed for maybe items.

Relinquish those items from your heart and make room for something, or someone else!

Possessions don’t have to be kept just because they’re useful, though. Items that bring you peace and wonderful memories, or items that bring beauty to your life are important.

Let go of caring what others’ opinions, if they’re not yours—

While enjoying breakfast with one of my dearest friends and sister-in-Christ the other morning, she was verbally chastising herself for caring too much about what others think about her. It’s a lament I’ve heard frequently from her lately. She said she’s getting too old (70) for putting that much energy—and probably losing that much precious time—fretting over others, their opinions, and worrying about how she measures up around others.

I get it. I think the popular term now is being “authentic.” Being your true self in front of others.

I know what she means—not allowing too much mental real estate to be squatted upon and wasted with dressing to impress, acting a certain way to please, thinking a certain way to go along with the mob.

But I think this our society might be in danger of taking this too far. People today are too prone to blurt out whatever is on their mind, no matter how offensive, or even how true it might be. People don’t need (or even want) to hear everything you’re thinking, nor should they.

Feelings are important, and I think Christians are often too silent about how much they’re hurting because they think they need to look as though they always have it all together.

But feelings can be fleeting and deceiving. Didn’t the Apostle Paul say that he had become all things to all people for the sake of the gospel?

I think if we go forward with that thought, always ready to give a reason for our future hope, slow to anger and slow to speak, patient and long-suffering, full of God’s love for others, we will be able to chose wisely.

Let go of unrealistic goals—

What goals are you still striving for, or that keep nagging your brain, that you know are probably not the best, most practical, or timely for you? Maybe they need to be put on a back burner for the future; maybe they just aren’t good for you and never will be. Maybe they were really someone else’s goals.

Now might be a great time to re-evaluate them, especially when you’re dinging out your closet or bookshelves, or rooting around underneath your bed to clear dust bunnies and inspect all of those items you thought you wanted to keep that no longer hold your attention or heart.

Just give yourself permission to adjust and re-plan.

And give others in your life the same permission.

And now for the last one, which may be hard to hear or sound offensive.

Let go of toxic friends or acquaintances—

As part of our church’s “Choosing Wisely” series, our youth pastor gave a great sermon yesterday about those you have sitting at your table. Those people you spend a lot of time with, that influence you.

He wanted us to ask ourselves which people at our tables lift us up, sharpen us, help us grow in our relationship with God, make us better people.

On of the first things they tell an alcoholic to do when he admits he’s got a problem is to discard his old drinking buddies and hangouts and gather a new bunch of friends that will encourage him and be accountability partners.

It’s a good question, but hard to answer. You can’t always avoid toxic family members, but you can still treat them well and honorably even though you limit your contact with them.

You can have a lot of acquaintances, but you really can only have so many good friends. Why? Because nurturing friendships takes time and effort. Even Jesus spent time hand picking his closest friends while He was on earth.

Maybe this fall it’s a good time to pray about those people God wants in your life right now, those friends you want to gather at your table.

Sounds rough, doesn’t it?

But Scripture has a lot to say about friend choosing, especially in the Book of Proverbs.

It says that the righteous choose their friends carefully, so they won’t be led astray.

It tells us to walk with the wise so we can become wiser.

It tells us a friend is loyal.

It speaks of unreliable friends that bring us to ruin, and friends that stick closer than brothers.

It speaks of how sweet to the soul a friend’s encouragement can be and how beneficial their wise counsel.

It even says that open criticism is better than hidden love.

And I think we’ve all heard the passage from First Corinthians that says bad company corrupts good character.

Booker T. Washington even said that it was better to be alone than with people of bad quality.

So even if fall is a time to hunker down and prepare for the dark days of winter, it can be a time of soul refreshment and rejuvenation.

Freddie’s fall from his tree doesn’t have to be a time of sadness when it’s viewed in the context of the entire rhythm of life picture and future (and eternal) hope!

Until next week, prepare your heart and mind to enjoy your Autumnal Equinox next Monday and perhaps view it with a fresh, life changing perspective.

Next Week I’ll have more encouragement for you.

Blessings,

Andrea

*Some of this post was based on Guideposts’ online newsletter article by Holly Lebowitz Rossi. It’s posted in their Positive Living section.


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.