Spiritual Balance – Page 8 – Andrea Arthur Owan

The Benefits of Swimming—the Game-changer Activity

I grew up surrounded by water. Literally. On a Pacific Ocean island on the most remote land mass on Earth.

Hawaii.

I could see the ocean from our home, and see the condominium pool from our kitchen window and front door.

To say I’m still suffering bodies-of-water withdrawal since our move to the desert Southwest 22 years ago would be an understatement.

BUT, praises of thankfulness, I have a pool in my backyard that I can see from the family room, laundry room and back bedroom, which we’ve set up as an office. Sometimes the pool water reflects off the family room ceiling, making soothing undulating patterns above my head. I’m grateful for these simple pleasures.

I spend a lot of my summer in that pool, but not nearly enough. Although I no longer have the luxury of spending hours playing and lapping in the pool as I did during my summer breaks while a kid, I can—and should—dive in and paddle around in order to improve my fitness level.

And it’s my humble opinion that swimming should be a go-to exercise for nearly everyone.

Swimming studies results—

A 2017 study reported by the Health Commission British Journal of Sports Medicine about the United Kingdom’s SWIM ENGLAND program showed significant results.

Some of the results:

Swimming is uniquely placed to support people throughout their entire life.
Swimming lowers the risk of early death by 28 per cent.
Swimming and aquatic activity is a safe, cost effective and viable option for healthcare professionals to signpost (UK term for pointing the way, guiding or providing direction) patients.
47% had a lower risk of death due to heart disease or stroke.

Jane Nickerson, Swim England CEO, said,

“It’s evident from the report that swimming has enormous potential to support the health and wellbeing of the nation.”

With that kind of assessment, how long do you think it will be before the UK installs swimming as a mandatory activity for its school children? (While the United States is still cutting physical education and art due to budget concerns. Shortsighted, concerning the long-term health and financial benefits of lifelong exercise.)

Mike Farrar, Swim England Group Board Chairman and former CEO of the NHS Confederation, said,

“This report shows that activities like swimming really do have the potential to be a game-changer in supporting the health of this nation, especially at a time when cuts to services means less money for long-term care.”

According to the on-line blog article “The Health and Wellbeing Benefits of Swimming report was commissioned by the Swimming and Health Commission on behalf of Swim England to explore the impact of swimming on physical, mental and social wellbeing. It has been written by a range of eminent academics and is supported by the Chief Medical Officer, Professor Dame Sally Davies.”

They investigated several parameters and age groups and found that swimming:

Helps those 3 months and over develop more quickly,
Helps adults 18 and over reduce stress and overall health; and
Helps those 65 and over live longer and stay mentally alert and physically agile.

More positive swimming research—

In a comparative study of middle distance runners’ lung function with that of swimmers, the researchers found that swimmers have better lung volume than the runners. The researchers hypothesized that the muscles active during breathing—like the diaphragm—are forced to work harder in swimming. The activity gave these trained swimmers more elasticity (stretchiness and ability to return to normal shape after being stretched) during breathing than did running.

My experience with swimming—

When I was eight years old, I had a brief stint with swim training at the YMCA. I loved being in the water and playing for hours in a pool, but when it came to practicing and swimming competitively, I couldn’t have been more bored, or probably out of my element.

While I quickly advanced from guppies to minnows, I hit a stalemate when they tried to advance me to shark (or barracuda, whatever it was). I couldn’t stand it. The swim instructor suggested to my mom that I might be happier in the gymnastics class.

Happy didn’t even begin to describe it!

My fast-twitch muscle fibers were born to perform explosive activities, and I quickly improved. While I could dash across a pool for short lengths and laps, long-distance, repetitive practices left me cold. No pun intended.

When I was in college, though, my best friend and I tore up the pool at the campus intercollegiate competition. Short distances, of course.

We were both former gymnasts. And I could do a mean flip turn and push off at the wall that got me out way ahead of the other competitors. (Sorry, I had to relive that victorious moment just once more!)

Benefits of swimming for all ages—

Now that I’ve hung up my leotards and really need a good, non-weight bearing activity to keep my muscles supple, my weight down, and my overloaded joints in shape, I’ve returned to the pool to add some crossover training variety to my life. There are great reasons for me to return to the pool—or for you to start getting into one if you haven’t already.

Swimming can improve coordination. Coordinating your limbs to kick and stroke properly (without pounding or slapping the water and wasting energy) while breathing and not sucking in water is a feat for the uninitiated. Once learned, you’ll find yourself skimming through the water pretty effortlessly. And that effortless swimming helps:
Lubricate your joints. In an era where too many people (I believe) undergo join replacements, or have to undergo the procedure, you swimming might just help you ward off that nasty surgery. When you’re exercising, the joint capsule fluid produces more joint-healing and cushioning fluid. And that benefits works in synergy with swimming’s ability to:
Keep your joints flexible and reduce the onset of the effects of osteoarthritis. A lot of things can contribute to osteoarthritis, including: carrying around too much weight, eating foods that increase inflammation in the body, lack of exercise, over-exercising, and genes. But swimming is a non-weight bearing activity (unless you’re running in the shallow end of the pool) that reduces the load on your joints and gives them more space. And that gives your joints more:
Flexibility! Always a good thing for older people that fall more frequently due to balance and flexibility issues.

Other swimming benefits include—

Increased lung volume that aids lung capacity—(It’s a great activity for asthmatics.) With bigger lungs you have an increased area to fill up with O2 (oxygen). That means you’ll have more of that life-giving gas available to load up on cells to be conveyed deep into your body’s tissues. Everything works (and breathes) better.
Some cross-training benefits—Intense swimming programs are found to equal intense sprint and explosive weight training programs.
Lowering your stress levels— Tension and stress shorten your muscles, which leads to tightness and loss of joint range of motion. When we float around in a big cement pond full of water, our bodies naturally relax. Our breathing slows. (Of course, all of this is true if you know how to swim and like it.)

No wonder I feel so relaxed, almost sleepy, after I emerge from my swimming or floating sessions.

It’s cathartic, like praying and meditating. A great way to start or end the day!

Some good tools for swimming exercise—

I like to use a kick-board, the kind that swim teams use to have their kids work on their leg kicks. You can hang onto it and paddle along. Try not to keep your head above water for too long, though. You’re likely to get neck cramps and pinched nerves. I regular swim noodle works for this too.

I also like to use the training hand paddles to add resistance to my strokes. Two rubber loops slip over your fingers to keep the paddles in place. Don’t get the rubber too tight or you’ll find your finger circulation getting cut off.

And a good noodle is worth its weight in gold. You can use that for kicking, or for underwater cycling, if you don’t tread water well, or feel secure “running” in the deep end.

But beware: with any activity you can overdue it and end up with injuries. Competitive swimmers are notorious for having shoulder and back injuries, and it can be hard on your knees if you don’t kick properly. And you can get dehydrated in a pool just as you can on dry land, so make sure you drink plenty of water after your exercise, or during, if you swim long distances.

So don’t jump into the pool thinking this is an injury-free exercise. As with any other activity, get some training books, start slowly, train wisely, and work your way up.

And what about swimming and weight loss?

As with anything, you’re more likely to lose weight if your energy output exceeds your energy input. In other words, you eat less than you burn off. Swimming is no different, but fair warning: Swimming consistently in cold water can cause you to store fat, just like a polar bear in the arctic. Your body does whatever it can to survive. And swimming burns a ton of calories and increases your appetite. So, if you swim a lot and always chow down an excess portion of food afterward to curb your hunger, your weight may end up creeping up instead of going down.

My future swimming goals—

While we removed the heater capabilities from our pool and usually don’t get in it during the winter months (yes, it can get cold and snowy here), I’ve decided to brave up, purchase a short-leg wet suit, and hit the pool throughout the winter. I find it gives me so many benefits that I want to keep swimming year round and know I need to. I can also drive around the block to our community pool, which is a Junior Olympic size and has marked lanes.

The gym where we work out just moved into a grand new facility with a lap pool, but it isn’t open yet, and I’m going to guess it’ll be so packed that the only time I could get in would be between midnight and 5:00 AM. So I’m going to use my own cement pond. Might as well. I pay property taxes on it!

Even though we’ve had a blistering summer with little rain, it’s nearing the time that we’d normally cover the pool and say adios until next summer. But I’m determined.

Maybe I’ll take a picture of myself in my wetsuit and put it in a blog post. Or, maybe not. If I swim enough, I might actually look decent enough in it to share with you.

Now that’s motivation!

Until next week, check out some local pools, if you don’t have one in your backyard or community. Or locate a swim coach or club. Set some target goals, get some training material, and jump in.

Your body and mind will be happy you did.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Have a Living Hope (and Not Waste Your Journey)

The prayer chain email I received last Thursday rattled me. Not for the tremendous burden and need the requester noted—which was, indeed, grievous—but for the depth and spiritual maturity of its perspective.

The Christian sister requesting prayer said she had just been diagnosed with a rare and particularly aggressive ovarian cancer. Just being diagnosed with any kind of ovarian cancer is enough to strike terror in the sufferer because ovarian cancer is usually not diagnosed until Stage 4; and the 5-survival rate is around 17%. My own precious cousin, Jan, died of the dreaded disease (after a valiant, grace-filled battle) ten years ago this month while only in her forties.

She’s recovering from surgery to remove large tumors and begins chemotherapy in two and a half weeks. She sounded confident in the family she is blessed with and her “army of supporters.” (Oh, God, that we would all be so blessed when tragedy strikes us!) Because of this support, she says she can make the most of every day that God will grant her.

Then she listed her prayer requests.

First, she wants to remember that God, not she, is in control.

Second, [recognizing] that “God is most interested in what’s happening in the part of me that can’t be touched, scanned, or medicated.”

Last on the list was that she not waste the time she has [left] despairing or seeking comfort about her disease or the outcome. She was bold in her statement:

“I will only waste my journey with cancer if I seek comfort or despair about my odds, rather than look to know what God can do with me.”

She completed her email request by saying she claimed Jesus’ authority and denied Satan [working] in her life.

After reading her email—which I read three times—I sucked in my breath. Hard.

Certainly all of this is probably easier to say before chemotherapy flattens her and leaves her feeling as though she’s been run over by a semi-truck; when the only time she can drag herself out of bed is when she has to maintain a vigil in the bathroom, lying on the cold tile next to the toilet, in wait of having to relieve her stomach of its contents.

When she undergoes the process of being poisoned to death in order to eradicate mutated cells that are already killing her. Before she’s really knee deep into this battle.

I don’t personally know this sister—whether she is, by nature, as stoic and brave as this email sounds. But clearly she has sought the Lord, the Holy Spirit has spoken to her, and she is ready to confront her disease and this potential earthly death sentence with all the strength, faith, grace, and hope of a believer steeped (and believing) in the promises of Jesus Christ and her true, future hope.

She has put this—and life—in true perspective.

And I was awed.

For me, her prayers and requests are powerful enough to warrant writing down and carrying around with me, to pull out and re-read when metaphorical lightning strikes my life, or I am tempted to whine about inconveniences and aggravating hiccups that cause bumps in my road.

And it was a punctuation mark to my earlier reading about Bethel Music founder and pastor Brian Johnson’s battle with and recovery from depression. He described it as going through six months of “hell” and having to be taken to a hospital when he suffered a nervous breakdown.

When the ambulance arrived at his Redding, California, home, he said to his kids: “This is when God becomes real.”

Isn’t that the truth!

The experience prompted him to write the popular worship song “Living Hope.”

And after watching the YouTube video of Bethel Music singing this heart-churner, I thought about some options for inscriptions on my tombstone:

Jesus Christ, My Living Hope

Hallelujah!

The Grave Has No Claim on Me!

It sounds as though this dear sister is already claiming these truths as she faces the biggest battle of her earthly life.

Her hope is built on Jesus Christ and the power of His death and Resurrection.

May it be so for all of us.

I promise that you won’t be able to stay seated long during this song.

And if watching that isn’t enough to get your motor going, here’s a Bethel song bonus: “Raise a Hallelujah.”

(*The journal picture and entry is a photo found on unsplash.com.)

Until next week, no matter what you’re facing, raise your own hallelujah to the Lord!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How Feeling Active Improves Happiness

I had an interesting email show up in my inbox a couple of weeks ago from the Greater Good Science Center. The subject line of how being alone can increase happiness snagged my attention. But there was a lot more information in the email that lead to additional cogitating.

In the article, which I clicked through to, Greater Good Magazine managing editor, Kira Newman, highlighted three main (revelations-to-her) takeaways from her recent excursion to Melbourne, where researchers from over 60 countries gathered for the International Positive Psychology Association’s 6^th World Congress. She said that the findings the researchers shared “added depth and complexity to our understanding of major keys to a flourishing life.”

The second point Newman highlighted in her article is what I want to share with you today.

It centered on the positive emotion—or perception—of feeling active.

Benefits of positive emotions—

Researchers have discovered that people who experience more positive emotions benefit in numerous areas. They tend to enjoy—

Stronger immune systems
More frequent exercise engagement
Lower risks of heart disease
Longer lives

Researcher Sarah Pressman wanted to answer another question about feelings and emotions:

What role does “feeling active” play in our health and well-being?

Pressman and her colleagues found a sizable link between positive emotions and different health measures. As Newman notes in her post:

“For men, feeling active was the positive emotion that predicted how long they lived.”

That finding gives me a lot of insight as to why my formerly athletic husband consistently complains about “not getting enough exercise” and not feeling accomplished at work, even though he has—by all observations—accomplished much and has a very successful and distinguished career.

But there was another interesting finding in the research:

Feeling active didn’t necessarily correspond to how physically active people actually are.

Translation?

It doesn’t just matter how physically active you are but how active—energetic, vigorous, and vital—you feel. It’s all about your psychology state.

Most of the research in this area has been derived from workplace settings and what psychologists refer to as relational energy—how some people rev us up while others drain and exhaust us.

Personally, my feeling active quotient has been in the tank lately, and it’s negatively affecting every aspect of my life, from my family relationships to friendships and beyond. I don’t feel active. I feel like a slug. A broken-down, washed up and washed out slug. Most of the time, anyway. As my injuries improve, the pain subsides, and my energy level increases, I feel more active. But I know I’m more active than the average person, so my feeling active meter might look a lot different than someone else’s.

**Future feeling active research—**

What do researchers want to learn about this feeling active measurement and perception in the future? These might be some things they look at:

What makes us feel active?
How is that beneficial in other ways? (What other areas of life does this feeling affect?)
Can we get happier just by “boosting the pep in our step”? In other words, I guess, can we fake it ‘til we make it?

Your turn—

If you’re up for it, get a journal and write down all of the activities, hobbies, interactions, etc. that make you feel active? As the old sixties’ saying goes: What turns you on?

Conversely, what turns you off? What drags you down emotionally, physically and spiritually? Since research is more and more proving the inter-relationship of these life components, it’s an important consideration.

NEXT WEEK we’ll look at how future hopes, dreams and planning increase your happiness.

Got any daydreams you’d like to turn into real happenings?

Until then, remember, the joy of the Lord is your strength. All of this other stuff we’re learning to help us enjoy life more is simply icing on the cake!

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Positive (Productive) Solitude—How Being Alone Can Make You Happy

A recent Greater Good Science Center on-line magazine article really caught my attention. Although the post’s title, “Three Emerging Insights About Happiness,” could have been a ho-hum trigger, the email subject line snagged me:

“How Being Alone Can Make You Happy.”

I perked up and quickly clicked through.

Why?

Because I tend to like being alone, even though I extol the virtues of socializing.

I know. That sounds disingenuous and a little dishonest. But it’s true.

Let me explain.

Although many people would swear on a Bible that I’m a total extrovert, I’m not. In fact, I’ve taken several personality tests—including one when I entered graduate school eons ago, and another one maybe a handful of years ago—that indicated I was borderline sometimes-extrovert, sometimes-introvert. It just depended upon my mood and the social situation. And it still does.

Maybe my initial college introversion came more from being insecure about whether or not I actually deserved to be attending graduate school where I was; and being downright terrified about whether I had the brains to actually be successful in graduate school.

I loved socializing and could chat up a storm (still can) and can easily and comfortably work my way around and through groups of people. But I grew up an only child and learned to spend a lot of time alone. Spending hours in a gym, working out alone (with just my dad or another coach) simply re-enforced my aloneness. I didn’t always like it, (I often loathed the isolation); and it made it difficult to develop friendships, but I learned and adapted.

As a writer, I spend hours alone in a VERY quiet house every day, except when my Shetland sheepdog Dolly ruins my eardrums barking.

So with all of that in mind, I read the article with tremendous interest, trying to glean insights for those of you who would like to spend time alone, learn to spend time alone, need time alone, and would love to know what benefits you can get from that alone time.

Greater Good Magazine managing editor, Kira Newman, highlighted three main (revelations-to-her) takeaways from her recent excursion to Melbourne, where researchers from over 60 countries gathered for the International Positive Psychology Association’s 6^th World Congress. She said that the findings the researchers shared “added depth and complexity to our understanding of major keys to a flourishing life.”

Newman went on to say that attendees heard about when kindness makes you happier, and when it doesn’t. Now the latter part of that statement in itself—especially with the “Be Kind” movement in full swing—is a revelation for many.

She also noted:

“Researchers also addressed modern obstacles to happiness—from the way we’re hooked on technology to a widespread sense of disconnection and loneliness.”

**Defining positive solitude—**

It is well known that social connection is one of the keys to happiness and longevity. For many, feelings of being separated from others—on the outside or forgotten—equals loneliness and disconnection.

But a group of researchers—Martin Lynch, Sergeyt Ishanov, and Dmitry Leontiev—at Russia’s National Research University Higher School of Economics—have investigated “the phenomenon of positive or ‘productive solitude.’”

Newman asks,

“Does solitude have to be a negative experience? Can time alone feed our well-being?”

She explains that positive, or productive solitude is in contrast with the more unpleasant experience of being alone.

“Productive solitude doesn’t occur because we fell disconnected from others; it’s something that we deliberately seek out.”

Productive or positive solitude is when we use the solitary time not for negative ruminating or feeling sorry for ourselves because we’re alone, but using the time for

Contemplation
Reflection, or
Creativity

In other words, it’s time spent being intentionally productive engaging in something that will enrich your life physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.

The benefits of productive (positive) solitude—

Researchers note that people who practice periods or times of positive solitude tend to feel more positive emotions, like:

Relaxation
Calm
Greater pleasure
Greater meaning
Less of a sense of void in their lives.

Who benefits most from productive (positive) solitude?

It’s not surprising to learn that introverts tend to benefit most from practicing productive solitude. After all, introverts easily tire from too much social stimulation, or having to socialize with large groups of people, and get re-energize with alone time.

But another group also benefits:

Those who enjoy emotional and psychological maturity.

Would you count yourself in that category—an emotionally and psychologically mature person?

That’s one of the primary goals of my website, which hosts this blog—for all of us to grow into emotional, psychological (and spiritual) maturity.

Tips for achieving positive solitude effects—

Deliberately schedule alone time to do something you enjoy, without interruption.
Spend solitary time in a peaceful setting, like nature.
Disconnect from social media, turn off your phone and computer, tuck them away and focus on something else—like prayer, drawing, meditating, stretching, thinking, daydreaming, doodling, coloring. Even cleaning out a room or closet can reap positive solitude rewards, especially if that chaotic space makes it difficult for you to feel peace and tranquility or achieve any type of productivity.

What positive/productive solitude isn’t—

Positive solitude isn’t time spent alone doing regular work or trying to catch up on office demands.

Deterrents to positive solitude—

If you aren’t used to practicing positive solitude, you may find your normally busy or over-stimulated brain challenged, and rebelling. The brain loathes change and habit-correction.

But persevere! It may take you a few attempts (or many) to discover what you’d like to do during your alone time, or determining what activity gives you the most bang-for-your-time buck.

If you must, set up a positive solitude reward. Your choice.
Deliberately schedule alone time for doing something you enjoy.
Think of it as time spent cultivating new attitudes, and growing happier!

Again, persevere!

Happiness gained from positive solitude awaits you!

NEXT WEEK: What does “feeling active” have to do with your happiness factor?

If you have any tips for other readers on how you spend positive solitude time, please share them, so we can grow and explore together!

Until next week, enjoy your solitude.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

How to Pursue, Build, and Nourish Friendships

Have you ever met anyone who seems to yack and yack and yack and doesn’t let anyone else get a word in edgewise?

Most of the time they’re usually talking about themselves, their activities (or lack thereof), or their problems. They can be exhausting to listen to.

I’ve had some interactions like that, especially with new acquaintances, people I’ve just met or recently met. On a weeklong writing retreat, I spent much of the week listening to one woman’s life story, (which was quite a story), with all of its pitfalls and sadness; although she frequently interjected words of praise to the Lord and joy and how much she liked to write.

On the last day of the retreat, I sat at the dining room table with her, listening to her tell me—and the other seven writers seated at the table—about more gory life history. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye and started to go. She looked at me and said, “Wow. We have to leave already, and I didn’t even get a chance to talk to you and hear your story.”

The first thought that crossed my mind was Of course not. You were too busy telling yours. I’ve been with you for a week, and you never asked.

I’d been in close proximity and boarding in the same house with her for six days, and not once did she ask me about me, or my life.

The heart of the matter—

She may have just been a talker, but—as much as I tired of her droning and was irked by her assessment—and insinuation that I’d withheld information from her—I sensed something else going on.

This woman was either scared or lonely, which meant she talked incessantly to cover her fear; or people never really listened to her. Or she didn’t have enough close friends that really listened and gave her honest feedback.

That’s where so many of us find ourselves these days—scared and unsure of ourselves around others, especially strangers; or just flat out lonely. Plugged into the Internet or television with no real friends to share life with. Covering up our loneliness with busyness and cramming too much activity into a day. Being pressed on all sides by family and work.

And that’s one of the reasons we’ve been covering friendship building on Meditation Monday blogs for the last month.

Our purpose—

God didn’t put us on this orb and allow us to populate it because we’re supposed to live and go it alone. We need to make connections and share life. At the very least, we are to be Jesus-with-skin-on to others.

This post will give you another idea for building friendships.

Connect or reconnect with old friends—

Having a connection to your past through someone else is important. Someone you grew up with, came of age with, slogged through growing angst with.

I think we intuitively know that and that’s one of the reasons so many in their 40s, 50s and 60s (or older) start looking for “old friends or classmates” and try to reconnect or establish a new friendship through a common bond.

Regretfully, high school friendships dropped off the radar for me some time around the birth of my first child. I’d done a pretty good job of maintaining contacts during college and then beyond, but either busy life or inattentiveness caused my connectedness to whither away. Then the same thing happened to college friends, as we moved on, moved away, and started careers and had children.

I’ve begun rectifying that, with a very close high school friend. (I honestly didn’t have too many really close BFFs. I was too busy swinging from uneven bars and being a gym rat to nurture friendships the way I should. And I realize now that I also had too many hang-ups to be a really good friend. It’s one of my biggest regrets.)

I’ve managed to keep in touch with a friend from my freshman year in college, even though she transferred to another college our sophomore year. She lives up the road from me in the north Phoenix area. We mostly communicate via text message, but sometimes it’s a visit, (I flew to Las Vegas to visit her once, drove to Central California from Southern California another time, and enjoyed her guest bedroom after a Phoenix writing retreat on another).

Even when months slip by, she knows I’m only a phone call away; and we’ve prayed each other through some pretty rough times. And I recently learned that she and her husband are buying a retirement home just minutes up the road from where we bought our retirement lot.

And I count myself blessed that my beloved and I came of age together in college. As my youngest noted the other day: “You and Dad sure have a lot of good stories together!” We do. I only hope I can remember them in another ten, twenty or thirty years!

Tomorrow—Tuesday, August 13—will mark 36 years of married memories and 40 years of significant other memories.

Maintaining or building a friendship—

Regular conversations, cards, text messages go a long way in maintaining a friendship, or even building a new one.

I’ve recounted the story before about an older woman I’d been doing Bible study with calling me not long after the birth of my youngest, which was a difficult, isolating time due to his prematurity and sensitivity issues. I did not hear the phone ring, so her call went to voice mail. When I listened to it, I broke down in grateful heaving sobs.

“Hi Andrea. It’s Louise. I just wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking about you, and if I didn’t call to let you know, you wouldn’t know that.”

What a simple, beautiful call that was to an exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed parent of a new preemie.

I wasn’t alone. Someone was thinking of me.

And now that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed about my mother’s condition and having 100% responsibility for her, her medical care, and her funds, I’m in need of more phone calls like that—calls of empathy and sympathy, especially from people who have walked through this kind of valley. Ones that know what it’s like to care for an aging, dementia-ridden parent that never treated you all that well to begin with and who still communicates with a barbed-wire tongue and combative, screeching decibels.

As one person told me, after she gave me priceless direction on how to set up in-home medical care for my mother: “I totally get what you’re suffering. Other people who haven’t gone through what you’re going through don’t get it. They never will. And don’t expect them to. Talk to people who understand.”

It was a fluke that I’d even connected with this woman on the phone, the owner of the company I needed to contract with, who only answered the phone because her receptionist was on vacation. She was patient, informative and compassionate. I knew I was talking to a kindred spirit, and that God had placed her in my path to give me some emotional (and eventually physical) relief.

I heaved grateful sobs when I got off the phone with her.

One connection with a kindred spirit.

And I’m considering finding a support group to encourage me on this new season of my life. Hopefully I’ll make another friend. I already have one who’s is undergoing much of the same, and we are supporting one another.

Keep trying—

The goal is to keep trying. Persevere. If one person doesn’t show interest in spite of all of your efforts, then graciously move on and try someone else or another setting. Invite someone out to lunch or over for tea, to try to connect. Usually you’ll know immediately whether or not there’s a potential heart bond.

I’ve come to realize that I can’t just dredge up high school friendships that weren’t there in high school, or pretend some existed or went deeper when they didn’t. I can go to my high school reunion and enjoy conversations without expectations of being asked to join “the group” for outside social events. I can move forward from where I am, at this age, with the needs, weaknesses, goals and gifts I have now.

In this season of my life.

Be realistic—

Don’t spread yourself too thin. Work on maintaining and deepening the precious friendships you do have and focus on the new person or two you’d like to spend more time, or encourage. I’ve noted a couple of people I can tell need someone to come alongside them, as encouragers, so I’m making plans to spend some time with them.

Start with something low key, like grabbing a cup of coffee, going to a movie, inviting someone over for a swim if you have a pool they’d enjoy.

Don’t be too hard on the friends who go for months or maybe longer without getting in touch with you. Extend them grace and the benefit of the doubt. Check in with them via text or a call or email to let them know you’r thinking of them and love them. Yours may be the most uplifting, positive message they’ve heard in a long time. Life and time zip by quickly before people realize it; and life is hard—harder for some than others.

Be creative. As I tell my kids, try to find some common ground and interest you can connect on. You’d be amazed at what blossoms for your efforts!

NEXT WEEK we’ll see what the Blue Zone researchers discovered about the importance of lifelong friendships.

Until then, branch out and try some new things, do your best to connect with an old friend, work on deepening the relationships you already have.

Blessings,

Andrea


Andrea Arthur Owan is an award-winning inspirational writer, fitness pro and chaplain. She writes and works to help people live their best lives—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.