Tag: Forgiveness

Are Your Standards Higher than God’s?

Most of the stories the group members relayed were full of anguish and turmoil. Pain heaped upon pain. And as I listened to them tell their stories, a couple of thoughts crossed my mind.

It was clear that some had told their stories before. Many times. And a few of them seemed to enjoy telling their stories. I wasn’t sure if they went on and on because they were nervous, or they wanted or needed to be heard, or they had gotten so accustomed to the attention they received when telling the story that they craved it, had become addicted to it.

Certainly, being Christians, they expressed joy in the Lord, and gratefulness for His salvation. But the peace He promises seemed to be missing.

And then there was the shame. The deep, profound feeling of shame they projected over their weaknesses, failures and hurts they’d caused others. Some had confessed their sins and turned from their evil ways decades ago, and yet they still wept over their behavior.

They seemed to focus more on their shame and sins than they did on the dismantling and destruction of their chains. Their cleansing.

 

They still struggled with feelings of unworthiness.

While they possessed the head knowledge of their new lives in Christ, they clung to the pain and sins of their old lives. They identified them.

They didn’t focus on being a new creature.

They forgot that when God forgives sins, He will remember them no more. As far as the east is from the west is the distance God has removed our transgressions from us.

They didn’t seem to want to let go.

They weren’t going through the process of renewing their minds.

And they were beating themselves up about it.

 

In short, it comes down to what Dr. David Jeremiah told a young lady who just couldn’t get from the God-forgiving-her-stage, to forgiving herself,

 

“So your standards are higher and better than God’s?”

 

Wow! That’s looking at through a different lens, isn’t it? And He’s right. When you stop and think about it, it’s ludicrous what we project onto our loving, tender, long-suffering and forgiving God.

Does all of that sound too familiar?

 

Can you picture this scenario?

Jesus tells you: “Your sin is forgiven, but I’m going to be banging you in the head over it for the rest of your life. Just so you don’t forget how awful you are and awful your sin was, and how much you owe me for My sacrifice and salvation.”

 

Can you imagine Him doing that to you?

Well, he doesn’t and He wouldn’t.

 

So why do we act as thought He does?

It’s becoming more painfully clear to me that so much of our mental, emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical anguish is self-inflicted. And it shouldn’t be that way. In fact, I think it grieves our Saviors heart to watch how we punish ourselves, and others who have also asked for and received forgiveness for their confessed sins.

 

How about you?

  • Are you stuck in the self-infliction pattern?
  • Have you set higher standards than God has for you?
  • Are you continuing to beat yourself up over some failure you confessed and know you’ve received forgiveness for?
  • Is your behavior threatening your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health?
  • If so, what will you do to change your attitude and behavior this year?
  • Do you need to confess to Him that you’ve been punishing yourself and seek forgiveness for self-harm?
  • Do you know anyone who needs encouragement and maybe some enlightenment and correction in this area?

 

My prayer is that we can all take the Savior at His word, rest in His peace and joy, walk through life with a light step, and reject the self-incrimination that can bind our hearts, minds, emotions and actions.

Let’s make sure we allow God to set the standards for our lives!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Certainly there was an Eden….We all long for it, and we are constantly glimpsing it.” —J.R.R. Tolkien

 

BLOG SCHEDULE NOTE: As 2019 has dawned, it became clear that, in order to complete my memoir manuscript this year and prepare it for publication, and complete all of the writing set before me, that I would have to reduce my blog posting schedule.

To accomplish that, Free-for-All Fridays will be reduced to once-a-month posts, which will be published on the first Friday of each month.

So I’ll see you back here the first Friday of February, which happens to be the 1st!

Until then, walk lightly, and be forgiving—of yourself and others.

Finding Hope, Healing, and Purpose in the New Year!

Are you facing 2019 with doubt, uncertainty, frustration, life fatigue, or lingering heart and brain naggings about your past, ones that hold you back from accomplishing your hopes and goals or keep you from having dreams?

If so, I’d like to leave you with a few thoughts today that may give you insight and encouragement, to remind you that you do have a hope and a future.

 

There are so many things I could say to offer you encouragement, but I’m going to give you some uplifting quotes that may give you a new or fresh perspective, or simply cause you to nod in agreement or put a smile on your face. Get you all excited about the New Year! Ones you can write down and keep with you to read when you need a pick-me-up.

So here it goes!

 

I can’t say I’m a huge Willie Nelson fan, but he did say something I agree with and like:

 

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.”

 

Why do you think that’s true?

Maybe it’s because having a positive attitude and demeanor completely changes your perspective on everything you do and encounter in life. People respond differently to you, and you treat them differently. I think you’ll enjoy life more.

 

The aging paradox—

Wisdom is supposed to come with age, but sometimes it feels as though you’re not gaining anything, except a slower mind and droopy skin.

We’re all getting older, but some of us are feeling our aging more than others, and we’re concerned. Keep these things in mind when doubts nettle your heart and brain—

 

“Don’t feel obligated to act your age.”

 

And this one—

 

“Your body may be tired, but you can chase squirrels and leap fences in your dreams.”

 

Both are quotes by Cynthia Copeland in her adorable book Really Important Stuff My Dog Has Taught Me.

How true that second quote is. And it actually keeps your brain young!

 

And along with that thought, here’s what C.S. Lewis had to say about aging and dreaming—

 

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

 

In her wonderful book, Really Important Stuff My Dog Has Taught Me, Cynthia Copeland also writes about aging gracefully—

 

“Age neither defines a dog, nor overwhelms his thoughts. Because they live in the present, dogs don’t see time the way we do, regretting years gone by and obsessing over the days that are left. An old dog doesn’t focus on what he can no longer do, but what he still can do. Dogs cope, they adapt, they look for reasons to wag their tails. And no matter what, they never do the math and figure out how old they are in dog years.”

 

Whenever I’ve used the “I can’t do that, I’m (so many years) old,” my younger son Cory says, “Now, don’t look at it that way! You’ve got to keep going, keep dreaming. You can do whatever you set your mind to do!”

He’s right, only sometimes I have to alter what it is I want to set my mind to do. There is reality, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop dreaming. Like any old dog, I may sleep more and longer, take shorter walks, jump lower and catch fewer balls. But I’ll still try.

And if being able to do something means I need to change my eating, sleeping or exercise habits to accomplish or enjoy it, then making those changes seems worth it to me.

So putting all of those ideas into perspective, I can whittle it down to a good bullet list:

 

  • Don’t let my age define me (young or old!) or anyone else.
  • Don’t waste time or mental real estate thinking about my age.
  • Stop regretting the years gone by, the mistakes, the sins, the missed opportunities. (This is probably one of the biggest problems I, and many others, have. We saddle our brains and hearts with what ifs.)
  • Don’t think about the days you have left. No one knows the answer to that anyway. Thank God for every new day you wake up to serve Him and enjoy your family and friends and life.
  • Focus on what you can do not on what you can no longer do.
  • Cope and adapt. Look for reasons to wag your tail and give thanks!
  • And stop counting the years!

 

I made a mental note to stop counting the years this last birthday—my big 6-0. I had a party and told my family and friends it was the last formal celebration I’d have (and maybe even the last birthday I’d really recognize), until I turned 70, if—God willing—I lived that long or Jesus didn’t return first. My older son said, “Yeah, I don’t believe that.” (Snark.)

But I intend to keep my word. This February will be a new birthday, and I will officially “end” my yearlong 6-0 celebrations. Celebrating for a year sounds self-indulgent, I know, but I had some very good reasons to do that. I returned to Hawaii to face some personal mental demons and slay them. I went to Disneyland for my actual birthday to relive some precious childhood memories. While there, I realized that I could, if I wanted, still fulfill a childhood dream to work at the Happiest Place on Earth. There are plenty of “older” people working in the park, doing fun things like entertaining children and dressing in really cool costumes. (That speaks to my residual thespian heart.)

In the last several years I’ve worn braces. I told my family and friends that I didn’t know how many more years I have, but if I happened to live as long as my parents (88 and still going at 97!), I might as well have straight, healthy teeth. Then came the unexpected gum graft this year, brought on not by age but by genetics and overzealous teeth cleaning. Then I recently had that bone spur chopped off my big toe, something I’ve putting off for a couple of years. Next year I plan to have regenerative medicine injections.

A friend recently said, “Wow, you’re having everything worked on!”

I laughed before saying, “Yeah, but there are few parts that need work that I won’t be doing anything about!” Then we both guffawed together. Since she’s in her late 70s, she understood.

 

Some life possibilities in the back of my mind—

And I can find a good ukulele teacher and go back to playing that instrument. And take acting lessons, learn how to speak French much better than I do, and attend our church’s Spanish church to sharpen my Spanish language skills for when we return to Spain for another leg of the Camino, again, God willing.

And then there’s the calligraphy program I have that I haven’t cracked open. It’s been sitting on my shelf for years, along with special ink pens my family has gifted me. I used to be quite adept at it, and even calligraphied the addresses on all of my wedding invitations and thank you cards. It appealed to my artsy side, and I found it relaxing. I also liked to crochet for the same reasons. I’ll be making blankets this year for the family members.

 

I’m sure if you sat down and re-hashed your long-forgotten dreams you’ll arrive at some you’d still like to pursue, even if it means you won’t ever be able to excel in them because of your age and lifetime limits.

And don’t feel obligated to change the world. If we all tried to make our little corner of it better, the ripple effect would be tremendous.

 

Are you hanging on too tightly to your past?

In her wonderful book The Choice: Embrace the Possible Dr. Edith Eva Eger says something that snagged my heart and gave me so much release of guilt and regret of unfulfilled or damaged dreams.

 

“If I’d know my mother would die that day, I would have said a different word. Or nothing at all. I could have followed her to the showers and died with her. I could have done something different. I could have done more. I believe this.

“And yet. (This “and yet” opening like a door.) How easily a life can become a litany of guilt and regret, a song that keeps echoing with the same chorus, with the inability to forgive ourselves. How easily the life we didn’t live becomes the only life we prize. How easily we are seduced by the fantasy that we are in control, that we were ever in control, that the things we could or should have done or said have the power, if only we had done or said them, to cure pain, to erase suffering, to vanish loss. How easily we can cling to—and worship—the choices we think we could or should have made.”

 

Read these particular lines again:

How easily the life we didn’t live becomes the only life we prize.

How easily we can cling to—and worship—the choices we think we could or should have made.

 

Is there a memory or regret you’ve been clinging to, something you’ve cherished and won’t let go, to the point of worshiping and making an idol out of it?

 

There are several things on my list, and I’ve determined that I must—for my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health—boot them off the memory idol throne and put them in proper perspective.

 

And finally, two more quotes to rev up your New Year—

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.” Albert Einstein

 

And one by the most well known and popular children’s book writers that ever lived—

 

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

 

Happy New Year!

Start dreaming, hoping, healing and forgiving,

and make it great!

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

How to Prepare Your Heart to Give Thanks

They came to me through the mail. A surprise present from a precious friend for my BIG birthday this year. I hadn’t put in a request for them. They hadn’t even been on my radar as a possible present.

But they were perfect! And I cried when I opened the box and saw them.

Beads. Beautiful beads handmade into a special loop.

 

Prayer beads.

 

I do admit to an initial concern, since I try to avoid anything that resembles rote, repetitive prayer. Unless it’s the “Lord’s prayer” Jesus taught the disciples in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 6, verses 9-13.

But then I read through the accompanying explanation pamphlet, which offered suggestions on how to use the beads to pray.

 

The beads actually start with the Cross, which reminds us of Christ’s act of salvation for us.

The next bead up from the cross has been called the Invitatory Bead, which can be used as a call to worship. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer is a suggested prayer to call you to worship God.

Then comes the Resurrection Bead that reminds us that Christ has conquered death. For believers, we rejoice in the Resurrection that gives us eternal life.

Then the 4 Cruciform Beads that form the shape of the cross. The number 4 is a reminder of the four Gospels.

The seven little beads between each cruciform beads are called “Week Beads” (the number 7 representing spiritual perfection) that can also remind us of the 7 days of Creation.

The total number of beads, 33, reminds us of the years Christ lived on earth.

 

Now back to the cruciform beads—

The first thing that struck me in the instructions was the order the cruciform beads take you through when praying.

 

And praying that way has had a profound effect on my prayer life.

 

It’s suggested that the first cruciform bead above the Resurrection Bead be used to acknowledge God. Who He is, how He loves, what He’s done for us.

The next cruciform bead, as you move counter-clockwise around the beads, is where you Confess your sins and ask for forgiveness.

The third cruciform bead is the bead of Thanksgiving.

The final cruciform bead is the Intercessory Bead or where you offer up your prayer requests.

If you want to return to the first cruciform bead, you can once again thank God for Who He is.

 

 

Did you notice the order?

I found it a bit unsettling to my heart and brain the first time I stumbled through praying with the beads.

But then the light bulb in my head went on: how focused and right it seemed to pray that way!

To spend the initial time identifying with the cross of my Savior—the beautiful and somber identity marker of love, forgiveness, sacrifice and hope. What started out as unnatural quickly became comfortable.

Then I moved to praying the Lord’s Prayer at the Invitation Bead.

And then on to the Resurrection Bead. And as I prayed this way, something rather miraculous happened.

 

I slowed down and focused on the Lord—who He is, what He means to me, and what He means to the body of Christ—the “our” and “us” so often repeated in the Lord’s Prayer. A reminder that although this praying is personal it’s also corporate. I am part of a great body of believers stretching back a couple of thousand years. I am not alone in my faith, or in my relationship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

And then, instead of rushing on to my prayer requests and thank you’s, I had to focus on my faults. Those nasty transgressions that put a rift in my relationship with God, that stifle my spiritual health.

It struck me how those confessions came before the thank you and prayer request beads. And how important it is that I don’t skip this “step” before moving on.

It’s humbling. And freeing. To get it all out in the open, laid out and taken care of. So I can move forward.

 

 Forgiven.

 

When I did move forward, I felt free and unencumbered to really thank God for all of His marvelous blessings, big and small! After the somber aura surrounding my heart and soul during the confession stage, the aura disappeared to be replaced by unearthly, saturating joy at the thanksgiving bead!

And then my heart was truly ready to put in my requests. After the preceding prayers, the conduit between the Lord and me seemed to be open and flowing. Joyful. Rejoicing.

Supremely blessed and fulfilled.

 

Residual blessings—

When the praying is over, I’ve found I’m more in tune to the Spirit and His leading throughout the day.

 

Those beads came with me on the Camino, carried in my backpack’s hip pocket and into every church we visited. They helped keep me centered and focused, grateful and awed as we traversed country boasting centuries of Christian faithfulness.

 

Required form?

Do you have to pray this way?

No.

The only “set” way Jesus gave as an example for prayer is in the prayer He taught the disciples to pray. But the Lord’s Prayer gives a template that sets the form for praying with the beads.

  • He wanted us to acknowledge God, who He is and His position in the Universe, and His position with us, His children.
  • He wanted us to recognize that it is God’s will that should drive our lives and decisions.
  • He wanted us to recognize the source of our daily physical sustenance and spiritual infusion, and seek it daily.
  • He wanted us to ask forgiveness for our trespasses, in accordance to the way we forgive others’ theirs.
  • And then he tells us evil exists and we need protection from it.

 

Using the prayer bead format to prepare your heart for Thanksgiving—

I think most, if not all of us, want to demonstrate grateful hearts on Thanksgiving Day, the ONE day a year set aside for it. Most of us are at least a little tuned into the meaning of the day rather than just on the feast and the shopping. (I do hope I’m right one that point!)

 

So how can we best prepare our hearts to give thanks? I’m talking about deeply felt thanks that moves your spirit to joy, and not just coming up with a quick list of things you’re grateful for.

Praying them, as the gratitude research indicates, is so life changing.

 

Don’t have prayer beads? No problem!

Even without your own prayer beads, you can do this. To get yourself focused and have something to follow, you may want to write down the order and take it into your “prayer room” with you.

Breathe deeply to normalize your breathing and settle your mind. When you’re engaged in purposeful, directed prayer, I find you’re far less likely to find your mind wandering. Always a bonus! And you’re also more open to the Spirit’s lead as He guides your thoughts in directions and to events and people you might not have had on your planned “prayer list.”

 

So well before the family and friends gather on Thursday, and you’re in crush-mode in the kitchen, I invite you to retreat to a quiet place—inside or out—with your prayer beads or prayer outline and be quieted, humbled, inspired and fulfilled!

In tune with your God.

More thankful in all ways and with all things and ready for your heart and soul to overflow with that thankfulness.

 

Let me know about your experience.

 

I will be praying that you have a joyful week, overflowing with gratefulness and Thanksgiving!

 

NEXT MONDAY we’ll head back to our regular gratitude posts.

 

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

How to Forgive What You Can NEVER Forget

“On the day I forgave my father, my life began.”

                                                                                                —Pat Conroy

 

Do you find it hard to forgive what you can’t forget? Do you think you need to forget in order to fully forgive? Do you think you must automatically trust and reconcile once you’ve forgiven someone?

These are just some of the hard questions Dr. David Stoop covers in his priceless little book Forgiving What You’ll NEVER Forget. I picked it up in the Midway airport in Chicago while suffering through a ten-hour flight delay. (Now I’m sort of thankful for the delay!)

For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Stoop, he is a clinical psychologist who can be regularly heard on New Life Live radio program. He founded the Center for Family Therapy in Newport Beach, California and is an adjunct professor at Fuller Theological Seminary.

 

The back cover blurb says:

“Forgiveness is an essential part of being a Christian, but that doesn’t make it easy. What do we do when confronted with the unforgivable—an act that shakes our moral foundations to their roots, often committed by someone trusted and loved? Murder, sexual, abuse, adultery—all leave lifelong wounds. Thankfully, they are all trespasses that, through the grace of God, can be forgiven.

“Dr. David Stoop compassionately guides you down a biblical road, from the pain of bitter hurt to the peace found only in heartfelt forgiveness, even for the worst of offenses. In doing so, he opens up the way for you to experience the freedom that forgiveness brings.”

 

So just how do you forgive the unforgivable?

I think most of us have asked ourselves that question at one point, or many, in our lives. If you’re a follower of Christ, you feel obligated or moved by compassion and love of our Savior to forgive. If you’re not a believer, you might be more moved to get even or stay angry. Forever.

 

The 160-page, almost pocket-sized book contains chapters on—

  • Apology Not Accepted—including the definition of forgiveness, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and when it’s difficult to consider forgiveness
  • Myths and Truths about Forgiveness—this chapter includes some great questions to determine where you fall on the forgiveness spectrum and understanding common fallacies and myths about forgiveness
  • A Radical Forgiveness—this covers the history of God’s forgiving nature throughout Scripture, including the Old Testament and a comparison of Jewish and Christian teachings on forgiveness; and Christians’ tendency toward conditional forgiveness.
  • Choosing to Forgive—Stoop discusses the false paths of denial and bitterness we sometimes take. He also covers self-blame, obsession with the event, depression and shame along with seeking revenge and withdrawing. And he talks about the potential dangers of denial.
  • The Path of Forgiveness—Interestingly enough, forgiving often involves a path that looks like the five stages of grief, with grief, anger, sadness, action steps to achieve forgiveness, exploring the possibility of reconciliation, and then learning     to trust again, which can be a huge obstacle for some to overcome.
  • Forgiving Ourselves—This issue can be tough for a couple of reasons: sometimes we don’t think about doing it; and, sometimes our standards are higher than God’s.
  • A Step Beyond Forgiveness—This chapter contains some amazing stories on the power of forgiveness and prayer—to move toward forgiving someone who really doesn’t deserve it, binding and loosening sins, and being freed from bitterness. It’s about stepping out beyond what you thought, and knew, were humanly possible to see God’s power work in and through you to change lives.
  • The Benefits of Forgiveness—There are numerous benefits received when you forgive, including physical, emotional, relational and spiritual benefits.

 

Dr. Stoop wraps up the book by addressing some of the most common questions asked about forgiveness.

This little gem is a short read, but not necessarily an easy one. It could rekindle some pain and bitter memories you wanted to keep dormant. It could challenge your beliefs and behavior. It could move you to positive action. But if you work through the questions at the end of each chapter, and put into practice what the author counsels, I know you’ll feel free!

 

Forgiving What You’ll NEVER Forget is available on Amazon.com in both paperback and Kindle editions and on barnesandnoble.com.

 

 

 

Until next week,

May your heart and mind be lightened by forgiveness!

Blessings,

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).