How to Build Friendships: Taking the Whole Person Into Account

In this over-saturated, social media-driven world, we are finding ourselves lost, lonely, depressed and needing to return to the basics of life. (Anyone remember the song with that title by 4Him? I’ll supply the link at the end of this post.)

 

Building friendships and having a rich life—

Last month we started a series on developing and building friendships, something all of us need. Even the most righteous and Spirit-filled believer needs someone with skin on her. Even our Lord had His special twelve, and his intimate three. Why would we think we could go it alone?

 

First things first—

When you’re looking to make new friendships, deepen old ones, or considering whether or not a friendship has run its course (yes, that does happen), the first thing you can examine is you.

 

Take your whole person into account.

 

You’ll want to take a deep, introspective look at the five components of you, as a human being. Those components are:

  • Physical
  • Intellectual
  • Emotional
  • Social
  • Spiritual

These five components are needs you have. Needs that—when addressed and enriched—can provide you with a healthy, well-balanced and happy life.

To get started, you might ask yourself the following questions?

  1. What is my current physical (health) state, and what do I need to do to improve or maintain it? What kind of physical activities do I enjoy and does my body respond positively to? What physical activities enhance my other needs?
  2. How can I stimulate my intellectual side and keep my brain and cognitive functions active and as young as possible? (Physical activity is important for this too.) Would I like to learn a new language? Learn to play a musical instrument? Take a gourmet cooking class? An art class?
  3. Would I make new friends and receive more social stimulation if I join a fitness class or a local hiking or cycling group? Would museum memberships or outings stimulate my brain? What about book clubs, or newcomers club if I’ve recently moved to a new area?
  4. Is there a fellowship or Bible study group I could join that would enrich me in multiple areas—intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual? A volunteer position?
  5. Is there something you and a current friend can do together? A friend of mine has a weekly, standing lunch date with another friend of hers. Sometimes they sit for hours and chat while eating. Gathering around a meal is one of the best ways to learn about one another and deepen friendships.

 

This same friend and I had a marvelous day at the zoo on the first day of spring this year. I’d been lamenting the fact that my boys were grown and gone, and we would no longer celebrate the first day of spring together with a “spring fling” day, when I’d give them the day off from home schooling, and we’d hit the zoo and swings at a local park.

But while languishing in my self-pity, the Lord reminded me that I wasn’t dead yet and that I could still celebrate spring fling day with a friend. We had a glorious time together, and ALL of the animals (except the rhino) were out on full, happy display for us on the gorgeous first day of spring. It was truly a day made in heaven! I even took pictures and texted them to the boys. “You’re at the ZOO!” came the return texts. Sharing the day with them that way resurrected some sweet memories for them. And I made a precious new one with a special friend!

It was a stimulating day physically, (3 weeks post-surgery, I hobbled around in a knee brace), emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually.

A win-win all around!

 

Your turn—

Spend some time this week meditating on which areas/needs you’re not meeting and jotting down some ideas that could get you going in meeting them. Really take your whole person into account.

And here’s that YouTube video of the song—

 

 

 

Next week we’ll talk about getting out there and finding places to gather.

 

Blessings,

Andrea

Are Your Standards Higher than God’s?

Most of the stories the group members relayed were full of anguish and turmoil. Pain heaped upon pain. And as I listened to them tell their stories, a couple of thoughts crossed my mind.

It was clear that some had told their stories before. Many times. And a few of them seemed to enjoy telling their stories. I wasn’t sure if they went on and on because they were nervous, or they wanted or needed to be heard, or they had gotten so accustomed to the attention they received when telling the story that they craved it, had become addicted to it.

Certainly, being Christians, they expressed joy in the Lord, and gratefulness for His salvation. But the peace He promises seemed to be missing.

And then there was the shame. The deep, profound feeling of shame they projected over their weaknesses, failures and hurts they’d caused others. Some had confessed their sins and turned from their evil ways decades ago, and yet they still wept over their behavior.

They seemed to focus more on their shame and sins than they did on the dismantling and destruction of their chains. Their cleansing.

 

They still struggled with feelings of unworthiness.

While they possessed the head knowledge of their new lives in Christ, they clung to the pain and sins of their old lives. They identified them.

They didn’t focus on being a new creature.

They forgot that when God forgives sins, He will remember them no more. As far as the east is from the west is the distance God has removed our transgressions from us.

They didn’t seem to want to let go.

They weren’t going through the process of renewing their minds.

And they were beating themselves up about it.

 

In short, it comes down to what Dr. David Jeremiah told a young lady who just couldn’t get from the God-forgiving-her-stage, to forgiving herself,

 

“So your standards are higher and better than God’s?”

 

Wow! That’s looking at through a different lens, isn’t it? And He’s right. When you stop and think about it, it’s ludicrous what we project onto our loving, tender, long-suffering and forgiving God.

Does all of that sound too familiar?

 

Can you picture this scenario?

Jesus tells you: “Your sin is forgiven, but I’m going to be banging you in the head over it for the rest of your life. Just so you don’t forget how awful you are and awful your sin was, and how much you owe me for My sacrifice and salvation.”

 

Can you imagine Him doing that to you?

Well, he doesn’t and He wouldn’t.

 

So why do we act as thought He does?

It’s becoming more painfully clear to me that so much of our mental, emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical anguish is self-inflicted. And it shouldn’t be that way. In fact, I think it grieves our Saviors heart to watch how we punish ourselves, and others who have also asked for and received forgiveness for their confessed sins.

 

How about you?

  • Are you stuck in the self-infliction pattern?
  • Have you set higher standards than God has for you?
  • Are you continuing to beat yourself up over some failure you confessed and know you’ve received forgiveness for?
  • Is your behavior threatening your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health?
  • If so, what will you do to change your attitude and behavior this year?
  • Do you need to confess to Him that you’ve been punishing yourself and seek forgiveness for self-harm?
  • Do you know anyone who needs encouragement and maybe some enlightenment and correction in this area?

 

My prayer is that we can all take the Savior at His word, rest in His peace and joy, walk through life with a light step, and reject the self-incrimination that can bind our hearts, minds, emotions and actions.

Let’s make sure we allow God to set the standards for our lives!

Blessings,

Andrea

“Certainly there was an Eden….We all long for it, and we are constantly glimpsing it.” —J.R.R. Tolkien

 

BLOG SCHEDULE NOTE: As 2019 has dawned, it became clear that, in order to complete my memoir manuscript this year and prepare it for publication, and complete all of the writing set before me, that I would have to reduce my blog posting schedule.

To accomplish that, Free-for-All Fridays will be reduced to once-a-month posts, which will be published on the first Friday of each month.

So I’ll see you back here the first Friday of February, which happens to be the 1st!

Until then, walk lightly, and be forgiving—of yourself and others.

The Social, Psychological, and Neural Effects of Gratitude

Roman statesman, orator and writer, Marcus Tullius Cicero, is credited with saying,

 

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but is the parent of all others.”

 

I think Cicero’s point was that gratitude is the source and motivator behind all other virtues. They are driven and fortified by gratitude.

And if that’s the case, then gratitude must be a good parent indeed. Why would I say that?

Because research is showing that gratitude has beneficial results.

 

Some of gratitude’s effects—

Grateful people are more satisfied with their lives.

Grateful people are happier.

Gratitude is the social glue that nurtures new friendship formation and enriches existing relationships.

Some scientists even believe gratitude supports and strengthens the very foundation of a successful society.

 

Scientific fields studying gratitude—

While the study and science of gratitude is a relatively new field, the following disciplines are beginning to seriously study it:

  • psychology
  • neuroscience
  • ecology
  • sociology
  • medicine
Defining gratitude—

As we noted last week, when you study something at the scientific level, you first need to have a working definition of the subject being studied.

Religions like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Hinduism all encourage gratitude, and it has been a popular subject in philosophy.

David Hume, a Scottish philosopher during the period of Enlightenment, considered ingratitude the worst crime a human could commit.

Some consider gratitude a prerequisite for a world or social citizen and contributor to be considered good or moral.

 

Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough narrowed gratitude down to two working definitions:

1) Gratitude is recognizing one has obtained a positive outcome; and

2) Gratitude is recognizing that there is an external source for this positive outcome.

 

The addition of the second definition is important because it includes the fact that people can direct their gratitude toward outside influences, like God, fate, nature, etc.

 

Exploring some of the research evidence—

There is evidence that gratitude can be thought of asn an emotional experience with three hierarchical levels of an:

Affective trait—defined by psychologist Erika Rosenberg as “stable predisposition toward certain types of emotional responding.”

Mood—a disposition that can fluctuate with moments and days

Emotion—a short-term reaction to a particular event

And in theory, the trait can affect a mood and then an emotion. The reverse can also be true, with an emotion affecting a mood and trait. And all three experiences can interact and play off of one another.

And gratefulness can increase your level of gratefulness. It tends to feed on itself and produce more.

 

But do a motive and self-focus check—

Interestingly enough, if a person does not think a benefactor is really being benevolent in heart with their actions (their motives are suspect), then the gratitude quotient of the receiver drops.

And more self-focused people tend toward feelings of indebtedness (obligation and repayment guilt) and decreased gratitude.

 

The striving-for-excellence factor—

Researchers Sara Algoe and Jonathan Haidt found evidence suggesting that:

“[gratitude] elevation (a response to moral excellence) motivates pro-social and affiliative behavior, gratitude motivates improved relationships with benefactors, and admiration motivates self-improvement” (2009).

 

So there you have the interplay of response, affiliating with others, improved relationships, and admiration’s effect on self-improvement. With that in mind, it makes sense that a special mentor who motivates you to moral excellence, pro-social and affiliating relationships and good behavior result in a closer relationship between you and the benefactor/mentor. And that admiration for your mentor motivates you to improve yourself.

The mentoring factor—

That finding reinforces just how important it is for young people and new employees to have mentors, encouragers that motivate them to strive for the best, and to demonstrate gratitude and moral excellence. To know they have someone who cares about them, sees their potential (which we are all born with), and helps us in a positive way to achieve it.

 

Gratitude and appreciation. Is there a difference?

Another study listed gratitude as one of eight facets of appreciation, which was defined as “acknowledging the value of meaning of something.” But there continues to be a debate among scientists as to whether or not there is a true scientific distinction between gratitude and appreciation.

 

Gratitude scales—

Scientists have formulated different gratitude scales.

GAC—Gratitude Adjective Checklist, which includes thinking of gratitude in terms of different adjectives you might apply to varying life events:

1) Grateful

2) Thankful

3) Appreciative

 

GRAT—Gratitude Resentment and Appreciation Test that measures:

1) Your lack of sense of deprivation (or, in reverse, your sense or perception of abundance)

2) Your appreciation for Simple pleasures

3) Your social appreciation

TGS—The Transpersonal Gratitude Scale that has a 16-item gratitude scale; and

 

Expression of Gratitude in Relationships Measurement

 

Gratitude and the Brain—

Scientists have used MRIs to measure brain activity and specific types of brain matter. Their findings “suggest that gratitude involving assessing the moral intentions and actions of others is inherently social (or ‘other praising’), and likely provides a sense or feeling of reward too, especially in more grateful people.”

This finding indicates gratitude can be self-perpetuating.

 

Grateful people may also possess more neural hallmarks of altruism.

Behaviors like keeping a gratefulness journal or simply writing gratitude letters have long lasting, positive effects. Evidently practicing gratitude changes the brain in a way that orients people to feel more rewarded when the person they’re showing gratitude toward is benefiting.

And the great news?

The positive effects were still detected months after the journaling or writing!

Who knew that those thank you letters your mom made you write when you were a kid were good for you, not just the receiver!

Unfortunately, thank you letter writing seems to a rapidly diminishing art among the millennial and younger crowds, which may explain their tendency toward demonstrating more cynicism and ungratefulness.

 

And what about hormones?

Yet another study found that oxytocin—a hormone connected with social bonding—may also be involved in the production of grateful feelings.

 

Putting it all into practice—

Several months ago I bought myself a journal I wanted to dedicate solely to gratitude—writing down daily those things or events of the day that made me grateful.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, my first attempts resulted in my filling up so many lines in the journal and taking so much time that I abandoned the effort. But I’m starting it up again and trying to limit myself to three items or events per day. The top three, even though there may be so many more things I could add.

And Chris and I always make it a point of starting our evening prayers with gratitude for events of the day or the last several days, especially if it could be labeled a BIG thank you. As I write this post, it would be the blessing of getting to have brunch with my younger son who was down from Phoenix over the weekend; and for my older son finishing his first PhD thesis draft and turning it in last Saturday morning at 5:00 AM! Other events I could add to those two would be the wonderful weekend Chris and I enjoyed together, especially fixing my canoe and taking it 70 miles south to Lake Patagonia to paddle around, watching the blue herons, loons and ducks navigate the water and wetland area. Even laughing at a few stubborn cows that had infiltrated a campsite and appeared to have no intention of vacating it.

We also make a point of thanking one another for small and big things they have done to help us out or make our lives easier or more enjoyable. Things we appreciate the other person for.

 

Your turn—

Who could you call this week to thank for something they did for you, or to thank for what they have meant to you—as a mentor, provider, instructor or friend? Make a list and then give at least one person a call.

Or write that person a heartfelt thank you.

Do you have a parent you could thank?

One year Chris called his stepfather, with whom he never had the closest or best relationship, to thank him for teaching him manual skills like basic construction, car maintenance, removing and installing toilets, repairing household items and doing basic electrical wiring, installing hot water heaters and knowing vital handyman skills. His stepfather was overwhelmed and thrilled, to the point that for the first time in Chris’s 50-some years, he told Chris he loved him.

That one act has done much to repair and restore the relationship.

 

Spend some time thinking and praying about who you could thank, who you could surprise with a thank you note, call or special little gift that says you are thinking about them and they are special to you.

 

Be generous.

 

As the research shows, (and the Bible has told us for thousands of years), it is definitely in giving that you receive!

 

Improve your happiness quotient this week. Show gratitude!

 

See you back here next week as we look more at gratitude.

Blessings,

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

Photo by rawpixel on unsplash.com

Welcome to Workout Wednesdays!

When you hear the word “workout” what goes through your mind, and body? Excitement? Ambivalence? Dread? Do your hands sweat from excitement, or fear? Are you instantly transported via a PTSD flashback to your ninth grade physical education class where you loathed putting on those classy polyester gym shorts and block-shaped exercise top and got relegated to the worst team in the class because you were a bona fide “klutz” and couldn’t coordinate the timing of basketball dribbling or manage to get your foot to make contact with a slow-moving kickball to save your life?

I won’t tell you I can relate, because I can’t (except for the ugly gym shorts and top). Coordination (to precision) was my forte, and I oozed competitive spirit. I hated being shown up, and I seethed internally if I lost. (Although my hand-eye coordination with a tennis ball and racket was horrible, I was determined to overcome that failure and showed up on the tennis court every day one summer to learn how to play with the guys in doubles.)

And I was strong. Stronger than some of the guys in my class. Even guys who took me on in arm wrestling in college were stunned when I slammed their arms to the tabletop.

But as a coach and physical education teacher, I took a completely different approach.

My greatest desire was to instill in all of my students a love of the complexity of the human body and human movement. I wanted them to appreciate physical health for the sake of being physically healthy, not for the sole purpose of competing or beating someone else. I wanted them to develop a lifelong love of fitness. Not necessarily “exercise” in the traditional term, but general, overall fitness. So instead of grading them on what they could do, (because, frankly, some of them would have failed the class if I had stuck to a traditional can-do grading system), I graded them on how much they improved from the day they walked into my class to the day they exited it for the semester or year. And I also tacked on some brownie points for good behavior and honest participation.

And you know what happened? Some of those kids, who entered my class with their arms clamped across their chests and an I’m-not-going-to-do-anything-you-ask-me-to-do look on their face left the class feeling pretty proud of themselves and their accomplishments. They had fun. They ended up being able to pass a soccer ball to a teammate, which meant they were able to participate in the shear fun of doing that. They had strikes in bowling after weeks of rolling gutter balls. I actually cheered and cried with one of my students who never thought she could accomplish anything remotely related to physical education or movement.

And that’s what we’ll do with our Workout Wednesday time—help you change your outlook on fitness and develop a program that works for you. One you can adjust as you desire or need based on your current fitness level, future (improved) fitness level, age or physical capacity.

 

Not just for the body

Why is exercise important?

I’m sure you know the standard answers: Reduces your risk of heart disease and stroke, cancer, and other major debilitating and death-causing diseases. But do you know what scientists have discovered the most important side effect of exercise is?

            Your brain health and function. Neuroscientists say that when you exercise, so does your brain, and it probably benefits the most from it, by forming new neuron connections. In short, exercise helps keep you young and sharp!

But there are important tips to maximizing this effect. And we’ll cover those.

And we’ll explore connections like:

  • Exercise and sleep
  • Exercise and Mood and Mental Health
  • Exercise and Sex
  • The Importance of Flexibility, Balance and Mobility

 

We’ll also explore nutrition and the latest diet trends and fads. And we’ll learn how to identify food sensitivities and allergies that affect your overall health and mood.

 

Fair Warning!

Let me warn you ahead of time: I’m not a big fan of some of the extreme, “elite fitness” programs, which I won’t name here. I think a lot of you know what they are. And in succeeding posts, I’ll tell you why. I was a highly trained, competitive athlete for YEARS, and I’ve worked collegiate athletes and Olympians, so I know the mindset. I understand the obsession. But you could say I’m a recovered athlete. I’ll explain that in another post too.

But first, we need to get started and prepared for next Wednesday.

 

Getting started

Just as you do for the spiritual component of your life, you need to lay a good foundation for the physical. And that means getting some baseline measurements and assessments recorded. That way you know where you are, better decide where you want to go, and then track how you’re doing getting there. So, before next Wednesday, I invite you to do the following:

 

  • Buy yourself a fitness/workout journal. One of my favorites is BodyMinder: Workout & Fitness Journal. It’s got great grids in it to record cardio and strength workouts and dietary notes. I’ve provided the link for you at the end of this post.
  • Another great journal is the HealthMinder: Personal Wellness Journal. This helps you identify the health of nearly every part of your body. It’s one of the ways I was able to identify some of my food sensitivities. I can’t recommend it highly enough for tracking your overall health!
  • Finally, the DietMinder: Personal Food and Fitness Journal is also great to have handy.

 

Next, you’ll need to learn your:

 

  • Blood Pressure—Before you get out of bed in the morning, record your blood pressure. You can find a good cuff at your local drugstore or online. Wake up, take a few breathes, slap on the cuff and take your blood pressure while you’re still lying down.

 

  • Blood Pressure Again—Then sit up and take it again. Women will likely see a drop in their pressure. Wait another five minutes and take it again. It should have stabilized. Note both of these readings, both the big number (known as systole) and the smaller number (diastole). I’ll explain what each of these mean in the next post.

 

  • Resting Heart Rate—Now, if your blood pressure cuff doesn’t have the capability to measure your resting heart rate along with the BP, then you’ll need to do it manually. You can do that by placing your index and middle fingers on your neck to the side of your windpipe. You can also place these same fingers over the inside of your wrist. DO NOT use your thumb! It has its own pulse and will throw off your count. Now for the proper counting. While many medical office personal will take your pulse for just ten seconds and then multiply it by six for a minute count, I don’t recommend that method since it’s not as accurate as measuring it for a full minute with your fingers.

 

  • Weight—Then, hop out of bed, step on the scale and record your weight. This should be a first thing in the morning weigh-in, after you’ve emptied your bladder. Go ahead and disrobe for this. Record it in your journal with the date.

 

  • Body Measurements—Get out a measuring tape and measure the circumference of your chest, waist and hips. The waits measurement should be around the belly button area, or just slightly below it. Also record the circumference of your thighs and upper arms. You’ll probably need help for the arms.

 

  • Resting Breathing—Next, lie on the floor and breathe normally. Place your hand on your tummy to see if your abdomen moves up and down. Breathe deeply and check it again. Breathe in through your nose AND out through your nose. (I know, breathing out through your mouth was the standard for years.) Do the tummy check with your hand. Is your breathing smooth or jerky? Does your chest, and not your abdomen/tummy rise when you breathe in? We’ll be addressing proper breathing techniques too.

Looking ahead

That will be enough for us to get started next Wednesday. But do think about one more thing.

What kind of exercising do you like to do? What would you be most likely to stick with?

 

Reference/Journal Links:

Here’s the list of links for those journals, but any regular journal will do. These just make it easier to jot numbers down in the right columns and trigger your brain in all areas of fitness.

By the way, I don’t get anything from Amazon or the publishers for recommending these books. I just found them years ago in a Reno, Nevada medical facility I was visiting with my dad. Snatched them up. They’ve been around for 16 years and have great ratings.

BodyMinder workout journal

www.amazon.com/BODYMINDER-Workout-Exercise-Journal-Fitness/dp/0963796844/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522802240&sr=8-1&keywords=bodyminder+workout+and+exercise+journal

HealthMinder Journal

www.amazon.com/HEALTHMINDER-Personal-Wellness-MemoryMinder-Symptoms/dp/0963796879/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0963796879&pd_rd_r=J8BT3Q9KV0VSPJ53WXJH&pd_rd_w=WIgnS&pd_rd_wg=pOM4P&psc=1&refRID=J8BT3Q9KV0VSPJ53WXJH

DietMinder

www.amazon.com/DIETMINDER-Personal-Fitness-Journal-Exercise/dp/0963796836/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0963796836&pd_rd_r=J8BT3Q9KV0VSPJ53WXJH&pd_rd_w=WIgnS&pd_rd_wg=pOM4P&psc=1&refRID=J8BT3Q9KV0VSPJ53WXJH

 

I hope you’ll join me here again Friday for Free-for-All Fridays. We’ll cover a variety of topics, including recreational ideas, current news and recommended articles, stories and books to read having to do with balanced living!

Until then,

Blessings!

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

 Photo Courtesy of Andrea A Owan